Post # 1
So it is 12 days before the wedding and I just received this message from my cousin:
“Hi! Hope you are surviving all of your wedding planning. So, I’m not sure if you know or not, but the wedding is the same night as the Homecoming dance at my daughter’s high school. And at first she didn’t seem to care, but with all of her friends talking about it and getting asked to it she is feeling a little sad about it. That, on top of her boyfriend being gone to college, it’s been a pretty down time for her. Anyways, her boyfriend just texted her and said that he thinks he found a ride back to town on the 26th and so she would like him to come with us when we come over for the wedding. I understand there is expense in him attending and so he and my daughter could share a meal (she doesn’t eat much, and doesn’t eat meat). I am hoping it won’t cause any problems or hard feelings on your end. But, it would mean a lot to my daughter if he could come. It would help her feel better about missing homecoming for sure. Let me know what you think! Thanks!”
It completely baffles me that anyone feels like it is okay to add a guest less than 2 weeks before the wedding. I just needed to vent. I’m not sure if we are going to allow the boyfriend to come but we probably will. It still irritates me though.
Post # 2
jeg14: Can you still add a person to the catering list? I think it’s indeed quite short notice, and I don’t blame you for being irritated. Can he come with for the wedding and those two can just go find a dinner by themselves, if they really want to spend the time together? Not the greatest plan, but if they don’t see each other often, it’s a date night for them and not having to buy an extra plate for you.
Post # 3
jeg14: I would tell the mom that you’d let her know closer to the wedding if it’s possible for him to come. You might get a few last minute cancellations. At my wedding we got a few last minute cancellations after I already submitted final numbers. DH had a cousin that was asking about bringing a date. I let her bring a date to take the spot of the cancellations since I already had to pay for the meal. Let your cousin bring her BF if someone ends up cancelling on you.
Post # 3
This would annoy me. If the daughter wanted to bring her BF they should have asked before they RSVP’d. If you don’t want to allow him I’d just say you can’t add another person or you don’t have enough seats at such short notice.
Post # 5
I hope you’re not offended by me saying this, but I think homecoming dance should have come ahead of her mother’s cousin’s wedding. I think the best response is, “Honestly it’s ok if she attends homecoming”; except that I’m guessing it’s too late for her to attend that. (Because homecoming is a once a year dance, like a prom, yes?)
Now as for the request… yes it is a little rude, but these are fairly exceptional circumstances. Especially if the cousin’s daughter’s bf was originally invited. And 12 days is usually enough time to adjust the numbers by 1. I think allowing him is right thing, but only because the situation is a bit unusual.
Post # 6
- Wedding: May 2015 - The Fairmont, SF
As a bride, I totally empathize with you. It’s a stressful, hectic time for you and your family and I’m sure that 12 days out, a sudden add-on to the guest list is not what you and your FI want to deal with. Realistically, if this happens to me, I’ll probably be incredibly frustrated (but also unable to do anything as my venue has a very strict 80 person cap) so I can only imagine how you’re feeling!
On the other hand, I don’t think that the message you’ve received is all that terrible. It sounds very much like a mother who is, I think, somewhat worried about her daughter (“It’s been a pretty down time for her”) and wants to cheer her up while also respecting your big day. The fact that the woman acknowledged the cost of each plate and also said that she hopes she hasn’t upset you and to let her know what you think indicates to me that she realizes she’s asking a lot but is hoping that maybe you have the flexibility to accommodate her request. I don’t think that she expects you to say yes and I’m sure she’s even told her daughter not to get her hopes too high up. Obviously no wedding date is going to be “perfect” for all of your guests but I do remember how monumental high school dances felt to me at the time; the mother/daughter probably don’t mean to be inconsiderate but are just consumed by their own worries.
I’d personally try my best to let this one go… It may be awkward but I don’t think I could hold a request like this against a mom who’s trying to cheer up her daugher. 🙂 Hope everything goes well!
Post # 7
I would say that it cannot happen and that the meals are set. Also, where is the lad going to sit? Are you going to put another chair at the table and throw off the number? I guess its not a huge deal, but why should you accomidate her.
Let the two kids have a fun time on their own.
Post # 8
He wasn’t invited originally because they just started dating this summer and, since it is my second cousin’s boyfriend, he wasn’t really on my list of people to invite. My cousin had mentioned the dance to my mom about a week ago, and my mom told her that we would completely understand if the daughter wanted to stay in town to attend the dance. I completely understand wanting to attend a high school dance over a wedding. We’re going to wait a couple days to finalize seating and hear about any last minute cancels.
The only reason I’m upset is that it is so close to the wedding. I feel like she is putting me in a bad position because I will be the bad guy if I say no. He will probably end up being able to come, I just wish that people didn’t think it was okay to ask so close to the wedding when it is already a stressful time.
Post # 9
We accepted an add-on, two weeks before the wedding; we adjusted the seating plan, and then he was a no-show.
Post # 10
Rude is just showing up with the extra guest. It’s not at all rude to ask, though. It’s a legitimate question and it sounds like your cousin is trying to ask very politely. She can ask, you can say no. There’s nothing rude about asking a question.