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Some days it is so difficult to share your space. Are you fairly new at this? Mr. L and I have been living together for 2.5 years now. It was horrible for the first year!!! Somewhere along the line we adapted to our roles in our home and I can't imagine living without him! Our biggest issue is always cleaning. He is working and in medical school, so he doesn't have much time to help me around the house. I feel like a maid most of the time, but he helps out in other ways. I think the worst part was discovering how gross guys are---Mr. L sweats like a pig in his sleep and I hate that I am always washing our linens (or buying new ones)! Dirty beds are so disgusting, I refuse to let his sleep sweat win! (***GROSS***)
This is month 3 or 4ish of living together, and I pride myself on typically being adaptable...
I think my issue is that for the next 4 years, I will be somewhat supported by him... which means (in my opinion) I have very little say on what happens, what is purchased, and what we do. Don't get me wrong, he's ridiculously awesome. He takes care of me, and I am truly, truly blessed. But sometimes, man... it will completely suck to not having financial control. Like calling a plumber. That had to be HIS call.
I hope it gets better, or at least I get better in managing it.
Why doesn't he want to hang the paintings if they are already in the room along the floor?
I don't know, his answer was "I like them the way they are and they will stay that way". :)
When Mr. L gets like that I call him Castro. No room for dictators in a marriage, no matter who pays the bills! Good luck babe!
It was horrible and chaotic initially moving in--our methodologies are completely different and we both hated the other's way of doing things. I am into details, and he's very much a big picture person. Like with the kitchen, I wanted to clean all the shelves, line them, and then carefully organize how I wanted things set up, but he just wanted every box marked "kitchen" opened up and the contents shoved anywhere they fit so long as they were unpacked. He was adamant that my way was a complete waste of time and illogical, and I refused put anything on dirty surfaces or unpack haphazardly only to have to redo it again at a later time. Ugliness!
He also freaked out when he saw how many clothes I have. I take up at least 90% of our relatively large walk-in closet and have a dresser all to myself. The real issue of that was finances and how we spent our money. He thought I wasted way too much money on clothes, and I felt that Mr. jet ski/boat/Corvette owner had no room to talk about spending money.
Many fights and lots of compromise later, I think we're getting the hang of it. :-) Seriously though, there is nothing better than getting off work and knowing that I get to see him every day.
@ Paz- I hear you there!!! Hubs was so frustrated when we moved into our new house in September (like we had it built new...) I refused to put anything away without wiping all the cupboards out and washing all the dishes. He has pretty much gotten used to it now, but it still makes him crazy.
I think the biggest thing is being able to compromise. It's pretty crazy that he said "that's where they are staying" what about how you feel? I mean...what if you bump one and the glass breaks? Hubs made me put all the pictures away until we get the walls painted because I refuse to hang anything until the painting is done. He just doesn't want anything to happen to our pictures.
Once you live together past a year it gets a little easier. the longer you live together the easier it gets. :)
I have been married for 30 years. Hubster and I are completely different personalities. He's conservative, I'm a rebel. I like to fix things, he runs away screaming at the sight of a screwdriver. I have learned and accepted that I will never change him. I can only change the way I react to the situation. My advice? Stay true to yourself and be assertive but always be ready to compromise. Ask for their input before vocalizing your own. (men have strange egos) Hubster finally got over his "I'm the man" way of thinking and now we have a mutual consideration of each other's way of doing things. Remember that marriage is a work in progress, every single day, and some days it feels like more work than it's worth. It's those moments when your heart is filled with the wonder of him, and your love of each other, that makes it all worth it.
The first YEAR of living together is hard, so hang in there. FI and I have been living together for four years now and I would never ever ever wish to re-live that first year again. My only advice is patience and pick your battles.
We've lived together for a year or so now, and overall it's gone very smoothly. We both make a huge effort to be easygoing--this is easier for him and harder for me. We also joke about our foibles rather than getting upset about them. I find that this diffuses any possible disputes and allows us to openly discuss our differences rather than allowing them to cause conflicts.
BUT... Living together can be hard! Sigh. Guess it's just the way it is.
Good luck!
Lol yeah M and I are a lot a like and actually spent a LOT of time together before we lived together but when it was official man was it HARD!!! The kids fought all the time, M and my son didn't get along well, his daughter and I didn't get along well. It was crazy... But now it's smooth sailing, I definitely say it's growing pains and it too shall pass. However if I had to go through all of this when we were married I probably would have gotten it annulled or always doubted our relationship. For some reason it was easier to work it out knowing that I could leave at any second or that we were choosing to be together, not forced to be together (via marriage)... I know that doesn't make sense to a lot of people but for us it made perfect sense. Now marriage will only be an extension of something that is mostly great and smooth sailing!
@mmmtacos - you have no idea how many paintings we have that are leaned up against a wall!!! I think I ask like once a week for them to be hung~!!! One of them finally (after 5 months of living in our current place) got hung! Who knows how long it will be til the next one! Living together can be difficult, but its all about good communication. Knowing what to say, how to say things and when to say them is really important. GOod luck! Im sure after not too long you will love having your boyfriend or future fiance!!! :-)
we've been living together for almost 3 years now - AND we are legally married and own our own home...and yet STILL we fight over things in the house. it's natural - everyone does...our biggest thing is cleaning - but it's opposite in that he's a serious clean freak and I'm a lot more relaxed when it comes to cleaning! lol
Plus there's certain things I want to do such as put up picture frames or candles on the wall in the living room that he does NOT want anything on (the wall behind the tv - c'mon it's EMPTY! :(
I understand, though, your freelings of "it was technically HIS home first - HE'S the one paying for everything...do I really have any say?..." well - I would say yes. he invited you to live with him - right? you BOTH live there now and you BOTH need to be respectful of what each other wants. it's hard - especially if one is more stubborn than the other - but try sitting down and setting boundries and comprimising on certain things...
ie - if he'll let you put up his paintings, on the WALL where they belong...you can comprimise and do something he wants you to do!
all I can say is good luck!
Girl, hang those paintings at least - once they're up on the wall, he'll say (to himself, probably) that they look nice, and wonder why he didn't do it sooner. Trust me! When my husband and I first started living together, I didn't have a job, and then when i had one was not getting paid much. I felt like I didn't have a say in the house, but that was in my head. Once he told me flat out that I can make house decisions too, and that he'd appreciate it. Maybe you could talk with your SO and test the waters - the whole time I was treading lightly in "his" home, he wanted me to be the boss of the house, haha.
hehe. Here's a great update! Mr. Tacos went on one of his "it's so cluttered" rants! That means I get more closet space, and he is starting to get rid of things he doesn't need.
I say, only a matter of time until something is done about the paintings!
He's a pack rat, I purge and cleanse my surroundings regularly for peace of mind. Needless to say, our areas stay distinct. I should post pics on here of our respective sides of the bedroom. Mine has a dainty little bamboo desk he made me with neat stacks of wedding mags, a nightly reading book, coasters, lamp, some other knicknacks and below files of our medical records, finances, passports, cat doc. reports ect. I'm the organizer.
His side has dishes I haven't seen in months, a mountain of kleenex (cat allergies), an awkward coffee ringed end table that serves no useful purpose and a wad of every kind of charger available for all our electronics (a twin wad exists in the middle of our living room). He's got the basics and I hate cords on my side so that's good but at the end of the day, I look at our bedroom and smile to myself about our differences. I find his messiness cute and endearing and he teases me for my obession over stacking everything (I like right angles, he like obtuse)
But like everyone else above, the first year was hell. I tried to control him and our surroundings, first time co-habitor, and that just flat out didn't work and never will.
Well Im a neat freak and Mr Crane well he is what you would call... messy! His appearance is always neat tho and his clothes are always neatly packed. But he likes to leave stuff out.
For example :Say if having breakfast he would leave the milk out, cereal, dirty dishes and then head off to work, I was always saying Im constantly putting away things.Well, I got even. I had bought some milk the week before and I decided that I would let it go off outside.. he went to work one morning left the milk out and I usually put it away.. So i did... I went and got the off milk put it the fridge. When he opened it in the morning and poured it on his cereal it was a great sight to see his reaction. GOLD. I win the round, he never leaves the milk out and puts away his breakfast stuff :)
I have accepted the fact tho I will always be cleaning however, if mr crane sees me cleaning, he will literally turn off what hes watching or come help me clean. So its not a bad thing. We have been living together for 5 months.
This is normal. It takes some time to see what irks you too, what weird little things set them off, and how to navigate through some of these domestic issues. It just takes time. At 3 -4 months, you two are still newbies living together, don't worry about it. In time this all works itself out.
My FI constantly gives me the "this is OUR house, not MY house, you make some decisions!"
But then when I make a decision - choose a paint color, hang a picture, rearrange furniture....he questions my choice to the point where I (almost) change things back. It's getting better, but it's definately tough.
A lot of people have a rough first year, but honestly, this is the end of year 2, and things just started getting rough. I guess we had a "honeymoon" period.
Eventually, though, I'm sure things will work out eventually.
I didn't read all of the posts again so I'm really sorry if I'm repeating... but I think its way harder when one person moves in with another vs. moving into a place that is new to both of you together. Its just harder to go from "mine" to "ours", I think. Give it time. :)
FH has learned that when I'm quiet, I'm up to no good. I've notified him ahead of time, but if he's away for work or a boys' weekend, oftentimes he'll come home to a freshly painted room, new artwork or a new furniture arrangement. Although he earns (way) more than me, and if I still had my own place I wouldn't have been able to afford my new car or other purchases, I don't feel that gives him any extra rights over what I can and cannot do in the house. After one too many "my house" statements, I got it through to him that when he says that, I feel like a renter. Now, it's "our house" and as long as I ask him about any significant changes (or things that require money) he's okay with me doing home improvements that will make both of us happen (esp. if I try to undertake them myself and he doesn't have to help)
FI never voiced opinions about our apartment before he moved in, but then again we don't own it so the management company fixes everything. Once he moved in though it was a different story - suddenly I had to get his 'ok' on things like a new rug, towels, etc. It has actually been a very fun experience! We both have slightly different taste, but actually very similar in style so it's easy for us to navigate our little compromises.
The one major thing we are compromising on now is staying in our place until the lease is up in May 2011. I have been living there for 5 years and cant' wait to get out. The rent is amazing, but the building is old and falling apart and we live on the ground floor which sucks. He is so adament about saving money and feels very different than I do about turning 30 in a 'starter' apartment.
I'm telling you - it never ends!
Living together was definitely an adjustment. We fought like crazy the first few months but mostly it was about finding our own space. I joke that the container store saved our relationship! It is my apartment so I try hard to make him feel like he has his own space and its not just "mine". That and cramming two adults who'd lived on there own into a 1-bedroom apartment took some doing. Hopefully we'll be moving soon!
Fi has 73 button down shirts. SEVENTY-THREE! I gave him the bigger closet when he moved in and since he had all wire hangers from the cleaners I was going to go get those thin fabric hangers, so I counted his shirts to see how many to buy -- no exaggerating, 73. The man could wear a different shirt every day for over 2 months and never have to do laundry. Which I really don't get cuz um… he's currently unemployed. LOL
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Mr. Tacos isn't a handyman. At all. And after a horrible day yesterday, all I wanted to do was take a bath... nevermind the faucet doesn't work in his tub and everything comes from the showerhead. While cleaning the tub, I turned on the water and immediately it filled. I jammed a screwdriver down to see if there was a hair clog, no. I poured a bottle of Draino in and that had NO effect. I was so frustrated, I told Mr. Tacos we needed to call a plumber. His response was, "But they're not free!" I was so frustrated with my lack of control in my unofficial living in/not living in place, I spent some alone time.
Mr. Tacos did eventually call a plumber who came by today to fix both the tub and the sink.
This got me to thinking about power struggles. We're currently butting heads over the bedroom. I want to move the bed and hang up paintings he has along his floorboard, he doesn't. I don't get it.
Anyone else having some cohabitation issues? What are your struggles about?