(Closed) Vent: Ready to Call it off

posted 6 years ago in Emotional
Post # 3
2616 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: October 2010

Yes and no. 

First of all, I’d fire my wedding coordinator if she’s not helping you achieve your vision and certainly if she’s not keying into your budget. 

Second, one thing you should realize as all brides usually have to come to terms with is that your wedding doesn’t matter as much to anyone as much as it matters to you. That’s just the way it is. I understand that it’s frustrating and disappointing when BMs don’t seem to be into the process, but bear in mind that it’s ultimately YOUR shindig–not theirs–and well, they’ve got their own lives to take care of. Are you unhappy because they’ve failed to demonstrate enthusiasm? Becuase that’s not really fair. It’s one thing to make a specific request (“Can we all go on Day x to try on dresses?) and have htem blow you off, but it’s another to have an unsaid expectation that they don’t fulfill. In short, if you want something from your BMs, you have to ask them for it, directly. And don’t be offended if they have justifiable reasons for NOT doing whatever it is (within reason). If your BMs are not into DIY invites and dress fittings, then perhaps you should look upon them as in their original role, the one they had when you asked them–as your friends, and lean on them for emotional support. Buy them a cup of coffee and commiserate. 

And last, wedding planning IS stressful. It just is–and it’s never, ever advertised that way. Most of us have never tried to plan a party for more than 50 people, let alone 100 or 300 and the truth of the matter is that all the fun Martha Stewart-ness stuff is 5% of the job–the rest of it is the logistics. Take a deep breath and commit no more than 1-2 hours per day on wedding planning and then forget about it otherwise. Oh, and I highly recommend a glass of wine for planning–takes the edge off 🙂

Post # 4
1309 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: December 2011

I’m sorry you’re having a tough time! I’m sure every bride can relate to the feeling of just wanting to chuck it and elope.

Please keep in mind, though, that your bridesmaids only have to buy the dress you choose, wear it and show up on your big day. Everything else is optional! Your wedding is four and a half months away, in the fall, which may as well be for eternity for everyone but you and your groom. It’s still spring! I am sure when you are a month or so out they will be very excited and happy to help you with any last minute thing.

If you don’t like the direction your wedding planning is going, remember that the coordinater is your employee! If you want to plan the wedding yourself, you can let her go and save some money probably, too. But it will mean more work for you and therefore probably more stress.

One way to combat stress is to try not to think of it as the most important day. There are so many other days that could compete for the top spot – the day you were born, the day you met Fiance, the day your children are born, your last day. Not to be morbid but always remember the last day because that’s what all these years are building towards, making memories and relationships that will last until the end.  Don’t build the wedding day up more than it needs to be. Relax and just enjoy.

Post # 5
7653 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: July 2012

First, either fire your coordinator or make sure he/she is on the same page as you are. I think that is probably cuasing a LOT of underlying stress for you because it involves your finances. If you have a budget, your coordinators job is to stick to it. If he/she can’t deliver on that, then get rid of them.

Second, it’s ok to feel stressed, but don’t elope. Your family and true friends want to share your day with you.

Fianlly what PP said–bridesmaids don’t have to have a huge obligation to the wedding. Consider how far away they live, what they have going on in their lives–everyone has stresses and busy days. Like a PP said as well, it is still spring and the wedding is 4 months away in the fall. You have plenty of time to get things done, and if you BM’s are too busy or what not, then you do it yourself or maybe some family or Fiance can help. My BMs haven’t helped a single bit, but I’m not mad. One lives too far away and the other has a job and kids and is a nurse. My Maid/Matron of Honor helps when she can, but otherwise I do it myself and honestly don’t care either way if they help. I’m thankful when she does, but not worried when she can’t or won’t.

Relax and enjoy the ride. Everything will come together. I was bat-shit crazy for a while trying to make everything perfect and now the last two months I’ve been shurgging things off and not worrying myself to death of things. I feel a lot better, and I’m able to focus on the positive things about my wedding. Just take a step back, take a deep breath, and trust that everything will fall together because it will.

Post # 6
95 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: July 2012

Kick the wedding coordinator to the curb, her job is to help you achieve your vision. My wedding coordinator for our church (we don’t have a choice – we have to use her), pissed me off royally in our first meeting when she basically told me that I was crazy for wanting to musicians at the ceremony other than just a cantor and the organist (i HATE organ music it physically gives me a headache). I made it extremely clear to her that no matter what we would not have organ music and we would have a band. She tried to nix several of my ideas, but I’m going above her head and “ignoring” her “suggestions.” (Like no pew bows – which I already paid for and not being able to write our vows – thanks but I’ll ask the priest!).

It sounds to me like your SO has been super supportive, so my recommendation is to plan one night a week that you do something together (doesn’t have to be going out) and not talk about anything wedding related. You get the chance to remember why you are marrying your SO and be relieved of the stress.

With your friends set up a time to see them in person individually, find out whats going on in their lives – then gently tell them how much it hurts that they seem so uninterested in this really important event in your life. Maybe it’s jealousy or just that they’ve worked with bridezillas before (trust me I have a friend – non bridal party that freaks if I mention the word – because of her past experiences). The only way to solve the problem is to face it head on.

Post # 7
1371 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: August 2012

Ditto all the above ladies about your wedding planner.  They work for YOU.  THeir entire job is to create YOUR vision in YOUR budget.  Pull the plug asap, or get a manager on board to defend it.  You should have a contract or something?  You cannot deal with budget stress on behalf of your planner, that’s crazy!

My ladies ar epretty uninvolved also.  No input unless it’s to bitch about a plan.  My Maid/Matron of Honor is ok, but lots going on.  It sucks and I;m kind of lonely too, but whatever, I can’t force them to be involved so I just have to let things roll off.

Hang in there, don’t quit on your magical day.  But definitely, give your wedding planner a reality check and go postal if necessary!  Might make you feel a bit better too lol!

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