- 5 years ago
- Wedding: October 2013
I’ve been running into major regret issues with dealing with certain wedding invites/guests. This is going to be a theraputic purge for me. So I thank you ahead of time for listening to my story.
Backstory: I am estranged from my father’s side of the family. My father passed away when I was very young and my mom always tried to involve them in my young life out of respect to him. They partially raised me. However, they have been emotionally abusive to me, disrespectful to my mother, greedy, manipulative, etc. The drama is soap opera worthy. They didn’t approve of my dad’s marriage to my mother. I’ve not spoken to them since high school.
Current Situation: I originally planned to not invite any of them to my wedding. However, my mom wanted to be polite — as part of Asian custom, my mom felt a sense of obligation to notify them of my marriage since I am my father’s only child. My mom works with one of my father’s brothers and she felt guilty and wanted to invite a few members to my wedding. They live in the east coast. My wedding is across country in Seattle.
I caved in and gave my mom a few invites — I figured they’d be too cheap to travel and figured it would be a “save face” gesture to my mom (ie, give her dignity and a polite out for her).
The problem: Through my father’s family gossip network, my aunt contacts my mom and badgers her about details about my wedding — who’s invited, who’s paying for what, giving her a woe-is-me story about how she’s unemployed, supporting 2 children, and oh-by-the-way it’d be great if I COULD PAY FOR HER AIR FARE/HOTEL STAY so she can come. My entire father’s family has this same expectation. My mom just avoids answering her questions. She tells her that I’m organizing the wedding, that my workload is very busy, and that she doesn’t think I can afford to do that. My mom eventually gave her my phone number and she started calling me.
Due to my issues with my father’s family (that were bad enough to cause me to develop suicidal tendencies, seek therapy, etc) — I knew I didn’t want to talk to her. However, out of respect to my mom, I figure I could take a single phone call from my aunt. I was wrong. My aunt called me 4x a day for 3 days until I found time to call her back. She immediately acted super cozy and demanding (despite the fact I havent spoken to her in like 15 years) — and asked if I invited my other estranged family — family who’ve treated my mother awfully. I dodged the question and acted non-commital to her requests. She kept implying I was lying about sending extra invites to my mom to mail to those family members. It was a very passive aggressive conversation on her part. I hate dealing with direct confrontation.
The phone call ended with my aunt promising to contact me for more details. After it, I found myself crying in a restroom for like 20 minutes. The call just triggered every unpleasant memory I had of this family. I ended up calling my mom (from the restroom) telling her how I felt really unhappy and how unpleasant this was. She eventually told me to stop taking phone calls from this aunt and that if my aunt wanted to contact me, she’d call my mom and my mom would tell her off.
Well, since then, my aunt’s been calling me non-stop on the weekends. We’re talking like 5x a day from morning till night. I don’t answer the calls. I delete her voice mails. I gave my mom’s a headsup about this.
My mom’s acting wiffle-waffly but I tell her that I really don’t want family who are going to make me and her unhappy on my wedding day. I’m seriously feeling like I will lose my shit if they come. I partially blame my mom because she started this chain reaction. I blame myself for caving in to her request.
I’m not quite sure how to deal with this aunt of mine — I doubt she’d come and at this point, no response is the best response for my own mental sanity. I hope that folks can relate — if you have any advice from a similar situation — that’s appreciated.
Thanks for listening. 🙁