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I think you need to tell her how you feel ASAP. Crying and yelling is only going to make you feel worse. If you are having a hard time getting her to participate in a conversation (i.e. her walking away) maybe you could write her letter. Tell her how you feel and ask her to pick a time for you two to talk about it.
ETA: I hope things work out for the best. I am really sorry that your mom is avoiding involvement in your wedding.
@jordynrose thank you. I will try the letter. If anything, she'll know how I feel and I'll feel better getting it off my chest.
:( Hugs to you! That sounds like an awful feeling to experience. I'm really sorry you are in that position. I think jordynrose said it perfectly. The only thing I might add is that it sounds like your mom might need an invitation to talk to you about what is on her mind as well.
You can also enlist the other people who are interested in your wedding and are supportive to help you out with things, too. Good luck, adrigirl!
I would encourage you to read this thread: http://boards.weddingbee.com/topic/no-one-will-ever-care-about-your-wedding-as-much-as-you-do as it's helpful to read that you're not the only one feeling this way.
Lots of moms just aren't into wedding planning or wedding talk at all-- it doesn't mean she doesn't love you, or want the best for you, or care about you. My mom didn't really seem to be excited until two or so months before, and then she started asking lots of questions and stuff and getting into it. She cared about us, and wanted the wedding to be great, but she just wasn't interested in the details at all.
My mom and I have the same problem. When we finally talked about it, it came down to 2 things: 1. when we were dress shopping, we were there for 4 mintues and she shot down every dress i liked on the wrack. So I said "let's remember that this is my wedding and not yours". 2. She can't pay for anything... it's all on me and the Mister. Which is fine and was totally expected.
I bet if you talk to her, you will find that it's a few small things that just need to be addressed.
@jhphi- That was a great post! I have it saved too and I remind myself oftern that "no one will care about my wedding as much as I do." Helps when cutting the budget!
It sounds like you need to try to figure out why your mom isn't excited or involved in the wedding. Maybe she just isn't a wedding person? Is she bitter about you and your FI living there, or not having jobs? I can understand how my parents would have a hard time supporting a marriage when we as a couple can barely support ourselves.
I imagine that sucks a LOT and i think talking to her is a good idea. Also though... remember that people all over the spectrum have issues. My mom IS all over my wedding to the point it drives me a little nuts. At least you get to do EXACTLY what you want to do because you're not answering to her preconceived ideas and expectations, right?
Sadly my mom and I have the same issue as well. Which, as you mentioned, is a little hurtful. Especially when you see other mothers who are so involved. I have been told the same, that some moms just arent in to wedding planning. That being said, my mom is. She went nuts over my sisters wedding, which was canceled 2 months before the big event and never even said anything to her about all the money that was wasted which I am happy my sister chose to cancel it rather than worry about the money but still. My mom paid for everything my sister had for her wedding and was very hands on. My mom isnt really even interested in seeing my dress or the BM's dresses. When I was home for a weekend a few months ago, 2 of my BM's and I went to try on dresses and my mom didnt even want to come, but she was at every single thing when it came to my sister. I am a very independent person, I moved out shortly after my daughter was born which was when I was 16 and I understand my mom and I dont really have a super close relationship but my sister and my mom have an even worse relationship.
I am so sorry you are dealing with this too, I know how much it sucks. I also dont believe that its because your mother loves you any less and I wish I had words of wisdom for you but I truly hope it gets better! I know that it helps me that my FMIL only has 2 boys and would have loved a girl so she is excited about all the details and super grateful I include her but its not really the same.
That's too bad, this is def. an experience that you want to share with your mom. You should talk to her about it.. maybe there is some other issue going on?? Maybe she had a mom that was too pushy when she was planning, and she doesn't want to do the same.. you should def. talk to her.
Aww, I'm sorry. Has your mom mentioned any disapproval about the wedding or your relationship with your Fi? While it could be she's not into weddings, I would wonder if she's having an issue with your upcoming marriage.
I could see some apprehension about my daughter getting married, with her quitting her job, and now work less to go back to school. And FI having a hard time find good work. And going back to school is great But getting married throws this all onto another level. Maybe she's concerned that the two of you (not just you) will end up having to move in with her again.
If she explained any concerns already, she might shut down from talking because she feels you two won't get anywhere. But I would sill try to talk to her. Let her know she can voice her concerns, if she's also willing to hear you out. Good luck.
I don't want to be mean, but I think if I was your mom, I would feel the same way. Neither of you has a stable job or a place to live. You've been living in your parents' house, which is always a stressful situation for anyone concerned. FI especially has not had a stable job for over a year. You chose to forgo an income and quit your job even though you guys really need money right now.
So just that must be frustrating to your parents - you are living in their house with no plans to move out or even full-time jobs that allow you to save up for moving out. As far as they're concerned, that should be your main focus. Paying for a wedding is always hard - when neither person has a job, it seems especially frivolous.Why not save up that money to help you move out sooner?
I think becoming financially stable should be your priority right now. If you put off the wedding until you guys have jobs and can live on your own, I bet your mom would be very positive and excited.
It seems to me like your mom has some worries/issues that she might not know how to talk about with you. I know it must feel terrible, and maybe you don't want to hear what her worries are... but you should communicate with her that her behavior is hurtful to you and go from there.
I am wondering about a thing you said. You can't wait to get married so you two can move out... You live with your parents because you two don't have jobs right now... the wedding will not fix that... just a thought, not meant to be harsh... maybe your mother fears that you're not financially stable enough at the moment?
If it was my mom, she would definitely be acting the same way, and it would be because she doesn't think you're in the best position to get married. Moms care about their kids and they want them to make the best life choices, and that typically means not getting married until you're out of the house, living on your own, and supporting yourself. I'm not saying that everyone's life has to play out that way, but that's the way moms dream of it happening. She might feel that you're not acheiving your fullest potential and of course, moms want only the best for their children!
Sounds like you two need to have a talk and hash it out. Tell her you wish she'd be more into the wedding, and find out what her deal is. Maybe you can quell some of her fears by reminding her that school is starting soon and you will once again be on the path to success!
It reallys sounds like mom is not interested at all (duh) but to me, perhaps it is because she doesn't see your engagement as legit? You guys are living at your parent's house, FI does not have a stable job, and you are kinda in limbo thinking of going back to school and finding a pt job. Perhaps mom is not interested because she doesn't think the wedding will go through.
Honestly I'm a really emotional person when it come to my mom. We have a great relationship, but sometimes talking about touchy subject can get hard for me in person because I either cry, yell or just forget what I was going to say. So I often find it better to simply write her a letter. I get my point accross and I can do it at a time where I'm calm and can spell check! Try writing a letter for her maybe reading your words will wake her up!
It could be a lot of things (not into weddings, doesn't like your relationship), but I think the most likely thing is that she doesn't think you and your FI are ready/able to build a life together. To be brutally honest, I think it makes a lot of sense that she feels this way. To her, you and your FI are still living as a part of their family. She probably thinks it's jumping the gun to talk about starting your own when you aren't supporting yourselves / living in your own household. Not knowing your situation firsthand, I can't say whether or not that's the case, but it may be what she's thinking.
I'm sorry :( This is definitely a time in a girl's life when she wants her mother's involvement as much as possible, so I can imagine how difficult this must be. Does your mother usually have this kind of attitude toward you and your FI's relationship, or does this all seem kind of out of character? I think the other bees said it well, that a good heart to heart is in order here. If it does seem somewhat out of character, maybe she has some worries that she is just holding inside in order to prevent upsetting you? The only thing I can think of is maybe she is nervous about whether you two will be secure financially post-wedding or something since you've had job issues, but of course it is definitely wrong in any case to not be supporting you at this time.
Good luck and I really really hope that this works out. Either way though, you have your FI and in the end that is what matters most. *hugs!*
I'm with GirlWithARing - as I read your post, the thing I kept thinking was, "who is paying for the wedding?" Because neither of you have stable jobs, I'm sure your mom is frustrated that you're spending all of your time and energy on wedding stuff rather than finding a good job and moving out first. From the way you explained your mom's comments in your first post, it almost sounds as if she's starting to get resentful of you living there still.
My thought is to focus on job hunting and saving to move out. Your mom might be a little more receptive then to helping you with the planning.
Maybe she doesn't think you're ready due to your financial situation? This could be her way of dealing with her worries?
Sounds like you two need a heart to heart- the letter idea is a great way to start.
Hugs*
same problem over here, well kinda... my mom is in florida and she really cant help me out physically with the wedding and also bc of her money situation, which i completely understand..i rather she spends that little money she has for herself/family, house and groceries and stuff than help me out with the wedding, i mean me and Fi can afford it so we dont really need her help..BUT i wish she would ask me more about the wedding preparation and stuff...i wish she was here to help me out and go look for stuff, instead it is all on me! well my mom and i have pretty strong personalities so when i confronted her about this we got in a huge fight... after that then she kinda started to give me some suggestions, but hell no...my ideas totally differents from hers...so i figured to just let it go, BUT i know she will be creying as a baby on the day of the wedding..so that makes me realize that she really cares about the wedding and stuff..she is just a strong woman and she never shows off her soft side, so it is kinda hard to deal with her...after saying this, i would suggest to talk to her and see what happens..
good luck!
I kinda agree with GirlWithARing. I think she'd probably be a little more on board if you and your FI were in a better position and really and truly ready to start your own life together. I know that if I were in your position, my mom would not be having me and FI living in her house jobless and planning a wedding without real prospects for future self-sufficiency. She probably wouldn't let us live there for free if we had no jobs in the first place, so at least your mom is doing you that solid. She's most likely concerned about you and your future and not expressing herself. I think you two need to have a serious talk about these things and you and your FI need to come up with a plan for how you'll be moving forward with the job/school scenario. If you show her that you are actually thinking about more than just your wedding planning, maybe she'd have a little more respect for you guys and care more about the wedding.
im so sorry for the late reply, but thank you everyone for your input..
a little update...
financially things are better.. FH has been promoted at his job and also his photog job is doing well.. i'm working as much as i can as a nurse, and going to school full time to advance my nursing degree.. but we're still at my parents' house and its okay with them.. we told them we would be out once the wedding is over.. or a little before then..
i didn't get a chance to really have a heart to heart with my mother, but things suddenly changed when i got a little upset when she didn't want to go to a bridal show at first with me.. but it was all built up that i said, "i'm your only daughter and when it's time for you to be interested in the wedding, it will be too late." then she said she was going to the show. the show really got her pumped up :) our relationship is better and she is getting on board with the wedding.. her gift to us is the reception.. and the rest is ours which is affordable for us..
but thank you again for your advice.. it made me see how irresponsible i was being and how i need to grow up :)
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Okay we'll my mom doesn't.
Here's some background info.. We've been together for more than 2 years, 1 year of being engaged. To be wed in November this year.
From the beginning, we've pretty much lived together. I stayed with him at first and then he lost his job 8 months after and he hasn't been able to recover since. We were forced to move into my parents house hoping it would be a temporary fix. More than a year later, here we still are.
FI got a job but not as stable as his previous one. We get engaged, parents are happy.. then things just go back to how they were. They still refer to him as my boy friend... I was working then but then my Grandfather died around Christmas and work was giving me a difficult time about getting time off so I quit.
So right now I'm focusing on going back to school and working partime which neither of the two has started yet (will in the next month). And I'm focusing on the wedding planning which most of it has been done already without my mother's help.
It feels as if she's punishing me or something. Some silent torture.
We booked the venue back in June and she didn't even want to come with us to see the place. She was just like, "book it if you want." And when I mention something about the wedding she'll just say, "It's too early." When we were so happy we booked the videographer for such a great deal, she just muttered, "Thats good." No other response. She doesn't ask me about anything about the wedding. It's like she doesn't care about it at all. The only thing she initiated talking about was that she said she'd give us money for the wedding because we had to invite our overseas relatives. I could have sworn I heard her mutter that she'd pay for the wedding "just to get it over with."
It just makes me want to cry so bad. My best friend got married last year and her mom was all over her wedding.
My mom means so much to be but damn, why does she have to be so uncaring? I'd jump in a front of a car to save her but right now it feels like she wouldn't even do the same for me.
I want to approach her and talk to her about it but she just walks off because I get so upset I start to cry and yell.
I just want this wedding to hurry up and come so that the FH and I could move out...