(VENT) So annoyed with my church right now!!!!!!!!!!!

posted 3 years ago in Catholic
Post # 2
Member
723 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: May 2014

alot of this actually sounds similar to my parish. We are NOT allowed to have flower petals at all, we are allowed to use outside musicians/cantors, BUT they must be professional and meet with our director of music first (but that is included in his fee). Our wedding prep packet included those sheets for our vendors (florist and photographer/videographer) about how to act/where they can and cannot stand/what to wear. Any song no in our hymnal needs to be approved by the priest before we can use it. At least you got sample programs, we didnt even get that and i’m worried about making them wrong. :/ Good luck!

Post # 4
Member
2839 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: June 2013

That’s super frustrating! 

We had a sort-of similar issue with our Catholic wedding. Our priest said it was fine to pick pretty much whatever music we wanted, but the musical director flat out refused to let us do Mendelssohn’s wedding march for the recessional. Like, literally, he said it would be a travesty, a profanity and a mockery of the sacred ceremony to have that song played. Our priest was like, “Um, what? I’m the boss here, tell him I said it’s fine.” And then the musical director was like, “Nope, priest is wrong and I ain’t playing it. If you want it that bad, I’ll resign.” 

They don’t make it easy, do they?

Post # 5
Member
1044 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: December 2013

I’m so sorry about all of this! It sounds super frustrating. We got married in a more liberal Catholic Church, and loved the experience. I will say that we were not allowed to have flower petals thrown, I was told this was b/c of lawsuits in the past. There were a few other rules as well, but they were not a big deal. Our church was also pretty cheap to get married at. 

is this your normal parish church? Have you thought about getting married at another one? Not every church is like that!

Post # 6
Member
2871 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: October 2012

When you say “married in the church” do you really mean you want to be married before God? As a Christian, I do believe we can be married before God anywhere. Technically, the “church” is supposed to be the people of God, not a building. So if you want to have a religious ceremony elsewhere, I’d say that God would be totally cool with that.

Post # 7
Member
3769 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: December 1999

Unfortunately a lot of the things you posted are things that are pretty common. Like a PP poster said you can look for a different location, but someof the rules you might have a hard time finding a church that will allow you to do what you want. The music, flowers and alcohol things are pretty standard in our area. I am suprised about the comments about the programs though, usually they recomend them since the mass is a little more involved than other religions.

Post # 8
Member
2661 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: May 2014

I was previously married in a Catholic Church. Those rules sound pretty standard. The Catholic Church has a lot of rules in general.

Post # 9
Member
1670 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: August 2014

I’m not catholic, but most of those rules apply for my church. I don’t think it’s that unusual.

Post # 10
Member
1583 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: November 2014

All of that seems pretty common although she does sound rude. I have played at many weddings at my church and secular music is definitely not allowed although The Prayer was done at one wedding I did. I think it was the Signing of the Register but I can’t be sure.

I’m on the Parish Council at my church as well and we most definitely do not have a custodian or someone to clean up. There is a maid service that comes in once a week to vacuum, dust, etc but other than that everything is volunteer. Once or twice a year the parishioners get together to do a good cleaning of the building.

I think many churches want to make sure people are respectful on church grounds. Some priests here make a point to tell people to stay in their seats and not take pictures. Photographers don’t have free reign either (they cannot for example go on the altar) and can’t be in your face during the service.

Rice, confetti, etc can’t be thrown either.

Post # 12
Member
943 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: October 2012

We had a similar experience… The music director even went so far to assume that, since I was the bride, I was controlling everything, and told me (without provocation) that the wedding “isn’t all about the bride”. Really awkward when we were trying to pick music, and she kept asking DH “are you sure this is what YOU want?” She also told me my dad would not be allowed to walk me down the aisle, and that DH and I would have to greet guests at the door and walk in together before the ceremony.

Luckily she quit that church a whole month before our wedding, and our pastor didn’t even mention anything like the things she said were “rules”. Hopefully your pastor can sort it out for you– after all, he is the one who marries the two of you!

Post # 13
Member
3866 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: September 2012

howtobeawife:  Catholics usually have to get permission from the bishop to have a Catholic wedding take place outside of a church (and he is not required to give it), so it’s a little more complicated if you’re Catholic than some other denominations.

Post # 14
Member
588 posts
Busy bee

Most of that sounds totally normal to me, unfortunately. The fees you’re paying cover a specific amount of time/staff, so extra cleanup for petals or extra rehersal time means adding more staff hours (therefore more money). It sucks, but it wouldn’t make sense for them not to charge for things beyond what they do for most weddings.  Where I live, it’s also illegal to have open alcohol on the street, so a champagne toast in front of the church would be out of the question here.

Post # 15
Member
1491 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: June 2013

Frankly everything you mentioned is pretty standard.  This is their venue, they can have rules and guidelines to follow as they see fit.  If you don’t agree with the rules and the suggested donation/fee, you can see if you can find another Catholic church in a different parish who will marry you with this parish’s permission.

the Pastor doesn’t make up these rules, the governing body of the church/parish as a whole does.  Most churches do not allow petals or other things thrown, due to liability concerns. If your desired song is secular, they most likely will not allow this…but you knew this going in, not sure why you feel that they should bend the rules just for you.   I’m sorry that some of these things are a shock to you, but they have rules for a reason and its up to them to enforce them. If you are going to have your wedding ceremony here, it is also on you to respect the rules they have put forth.  

 

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