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@Bostonsmom: Do you have to go to this wedding? Are you close to your cousin? Becasue you could always tell her that $2000 is too much for you guys considering that your own wedding is soon!
I agree with Bakerella if you arent close I would explain with all the expenses in your life it just isnt the best time for you to go right now.
I agree w/ bakerella - if you don't have the money to go to this wedding b/c of your own, then it might be your way out of this.
My FI has made it clear that he thinks I should cancel my stagette, because he is going to this wedding whether I go with him or not. Its his cousin, not mine. I don't think he is being resonable AT ALL because he didn't say this, but I know that he thinks I am being bratty about wanting my own way. I don't want to go, I don't think it's a wise choice to spend $2000 4 months before our own wedding. Not to mention, before I had realized that it was the same days as my bachelorette, we had toyed with the idea of going but then decided that if we went to her wedding we would wait a little while longer to go on our honeymoon. So now I don't get a honeymoon or a bachelorette party all because of this other wedding.
Have your BM's planned anything yet? if they made deposits it would be really bad of you to cancel, you should tell your FI this, that its not fair to your BM.
I understand that you're disappointed, and I'm sorry that it upsets your plans. But you need to keep in mind that the cousin has not actually done anything wrong. Destination weddings are expensive, yes; but the people having them generally understand that not everyone will be able to make it due to price, time, etc. Further, the idea that a weekend would be off limits because there's a local festival going on is simply absurd. Did she even know you were planning on having your party that weekend?
(Also, I'd let go of any resentment you have about her engagement timing - presumably her FI asked her, not the other way around, so she couldn't control the timing even if she did have reason to think you would be getting engaged around the same time.)
I agree, if neither of you are very close to his cousin I would just say that $2000 is too much since you are saving for your wedding.
@Bostonsmom: Okay, after throwing the HM in there I would not go. That sucks. I think for a cousin that's a bit removed to be "expected" to go to a destination wedding. Is your FI close to his cousin? As far as budgeting goes, I would consider my own HM to be more of a priority than attending someone else's DW.
In that case, it sounds like this is an issue between you and your FI, not his cousin. Have you told him, calmly, how much you feel like you'd be losing out on (money, bachelorette, honeymoon) by going to this wedding?
I probably wouldn't go--$2,000 is a lot of money! And considering you got an invite OVER FACEBOOK?!?! I mean, that's just wrong. I'd just send a gift. I'd have to be really close to someone to fly to Mexico during an off season.
Also, if it came down to our honeymoon or her wedding, it'd be our honeymoon all the way
How come you can't have your staggette, though? Are all the BMs going to the wedding? If not, have it anyways
I completely realize that it's not his cousin's fault, the timing is just really really crappy, and disapointing for me. He thinks we have to go. He said family is more important, than my stagette or our honeymoon.
oh boy that REALLY sucks! i feel for you. i have had some things not go my way during my planning and it is all very disappointing. the best thing you can do is learn to live with it and accept that life is always what we want, but you can make the best out of whatever situation you are in. but first take the time you need to be angry, mad, frustrated. it will get better somehow.
i am not overwhelmed with emotion like you so already i can start brainstorming....like do you HAVE to go this other wedding for a full week? if her wedding is a on a weekend, just go for the weekend, or half the week! your stagette is only one day, so you don't necessarily need to be in town the whole week, do you? talk to your FI, explain in a calm and rational manner that it was super important to you, and ask if you can work out something so you are BOTH happy.
You need to discuss these issues with your FH. It's not the other weddings fault, that wedding doesn't need to check with you and I think you're focusing on the wrong thing. You need to focus on why your FH wants to go and is being so insistent. What are his feelings and if the situation was reversed how would you feel. If it was a cousin I was close to I would go and expect FH to go with me. If he told me he couldn't b/c of something I considered sillly, I would be upset.
His cousin's wedding is more important than a honeymoon for the two of you?
Oh goodness. Something would be hitting the fan if my husband told me that. WE come first. US. Always.
@mightywombat: I agree with you there. BUT I think the OP is just frustrated with the timing, not angry at the cousin if I'm reading between the lines correctly. I'm assuming since the cousin is on FI's side, there would have been no expectation of said cousin knowing about the bachelorette party plans and it's the timing that's annoying, and FI's response to the situation.
@ejs4y8: THANK YOU!!! My FI doesn't seem to think that it matters what time of the year it is. There would be a much better chance of me actually wanting to go, if they didn't pick the rainiest time of year. And you think we would get it for cheaper, considering the shit weather!
Gotcha. I'm sorry I misread it, and I REALLY hope you and your FI can work it out!
It stinks that it conflicts with something you really want to do but that's life sometimes. I'm sure your wedding will end up conflicting with something someone else wants to do and they'll bitch and complain but they'll go cause your family and/or friends. Maybe the date is the only one that fit with their schedules. Again, you can't make everyone happy. Just remember someone will have issues with your wedding as well, that's just how it is. But you definately don't want to have issues with the family, that never makes for good conversation around the holidays. :P
(Totally agree with you, there is a short window of warm weather in the North and i'd rather go to Mexico..hmmm...right now! Since its only -10 degreess!!)
Maybe you can get your FI cousin to babysit next time you want to go out!? :)
I'm not mad at his cousin at all, I'm more or less mad at my charming FI who thinks we are obligated to go to this wedding. If we go to this wedding, it means our honeymoon will be put off by 4-6 months at least. And I have to re-plan my stagette. And I get to spend a good chunk of change that I would rather put towards my own wedding. Who gives someone an invite to their wedding over facebook!
@Bostonsmom: Don't go!! If there is one thing that I've learned in this horrible wedding planning process is you can't wait to know when everyone else is doing things. Your wedding only comes once in your life and the momments you create for yourself you will always remember. Do what you want to do or you will regret it in the end. Youcan't make everyone happy if you try to by the time your wedding comes around you will be miserable. You can see the pictures from her wedding, that's good enough. I missed wedding in the past because I was double booked and you know what, once you make the decision of what's really important to you then you can move forward in flying colors!!
If the wedding is in July, I assume they just giving everyone a "heads up" on FB. It's too hard to get save the dates out considering they just got engaged. So don't be surprised if you get a save the date and then eventually a formal invitation. They probably are worried about people booking things, so they wanted to quickly get word out that they have a date. Doesn't mean that is the only invite. And be careful, because if she just got engaged, she could be on weddingbee eventually.
If you don't want to go, don't!! It seems important to your FI, though. These are never easy situations. DW are tough ones, I could never afford to be a guest at one. But I'm sure DW couples know there are people who cannot make it because of that.
I would honestly feel terrible if she was on WeddingBee and read this! I do feel like I am being a tiny bit unreasonable, but my issue is more or less with my FI than anything else and we are definetly going to have a long talk about this. I am glad I could get all this crybaby business out of the way first though, that way we can have a rational discussion
@Bostonsmom: if you are worried about her seeing this, you are still within the hour to delete everything you wrote
I have an hour to delete this post? I didn't know that! However, I doubt she is on WeddingBee, but I would worry about her googling mexico or something and having this pop up!
i wouldnt feel too bad about declining just send them a nice gift! - a lof of FI's cousins have declined ours. (thank goodness because we are wayyy over our number)
YET - a trip to mexico..i would want to go!
Calgary Stampede is two weeks long. Can't you still plan your stagette during stampede either right before or right after the DW? If its really important to you to have it at that time then you could still make it work.
@Bostonsmom: I would totally be upset if we had to postpone our honeymoon for a DW (that's not immediate family, perhaps?). You are going to need that honeymoon, you guys have waited more than long enough to enjoy it and yourselves.
Let it die down, there is plenty of time! Bring it up again when it's not such a "fresh" discussion.
I always worry about other people joining... especially when they are searching for a dress or whatever... Weddingbee quickly comes up in google! She may be looking for DW planning help down the line. You could always ask for this thread to be deleted, if that ever happened... I'm not sure if they would do it.
We were thinking about making it work, we would be in Mexico from the 6-13. Get back on a wednesday and then I would stay in calgary thurs fri sat go home on sunday. But thats just too long without seeing my kids, and my FI can't really take anymore time off of work. I would NEVER be able to leave them at their grandparents for that long.
send him- stay home- he can room with someone- save lots of $$$$
A similar situation has occurred for me and FI. We were talking about the wedding to one of my FI's friends who is also getting married and another friend (who I so very appropriately dub Mr. Butthole since he's always been a complete ass to me) said oh well we are getting married in april. (my wedding is March 31) So I say, "are you engaged?" Which he replys with a "no". And he said so you're going to have to post-pone your honeymoon if you don't mind. I would hate for you to miss my wedding.
Not. Happening.
So just put your foot down. That's what I did(;
A situation like this came up recently. One of my bridesmaids (I was not chosen to be one of hers) was getting married the week before our anniversay on a Sunday without a holiday the next day and they choose Ashville, North Carolina - where NO ONE is from. (They thought it was really pretty.) This means, it would have been 10 hours of driving, a pretty expensive wedding and we'd have to take Monday off of work.
To make matters worse we were in the midst of planning our anniversary trip the next week and my DH wouldn't be able to take time off for both.
We decided that if we could find someone to go with me (share a car/hotel room) I would go alone - if not, we wouldn't be able to go. We choose our week long anniversary cruise over their wedding. And I have no regrets.
In the end they canceled their wedding - so all of those headaches over nothing!
So - I say that if it is that important to your DH, he should go. He can crash with a brother or cousin, you can have your stagette and you both can take your honeymoon together! Perfect solution for me!
Am I the only one thinking: MEXICO? Are they nuts? I just watched a whole special about the drug wars and how dangerous it is right now for tourists (especially Americans). Even I wouldn't travel to Mexico right now and I've lived there.
I don't think you should have to spend your honeymoon $$ on a trip to a DW for your FI's cousin UNLESS this cousin is like a sister/brother to him. If they are really close, I get what your FI is saying. If not, then you don't both need to go, especially with your kids having to stay home. And if you can't afford a honeymoon AND go to this wedding...don't go. I have no idea why your FI even thinks that is an option. I would tell him "no honeymoon, no wedding." But then again, my SO and I have a different relationship and he would never have considered that in the first place, so take my advice with a grain of salt.
I haven't had time to talk to my FI, so I typed him an email this afternoon outlining why I am so against going to mexico. (postponing our honeymoon, drugwars, weather, my stagette) He very sheepishly walked in the door from work and admitted that he didn't think of it as putting them before us, and now completely understands why I was so worked up in the first place. But he was only home for a few minutes before work called and now he's gone again! So our conversation will have to continue another day, and he's going to respond to my email tomorrow if he has the time.
I hadn't even thought about the drug wars until there was a thing on the news about a man from British Columbia who caught a stray bullet in the leg while he was at his resort!!!! The Canadian Foreign Affairs are not recomending ANY unnecesary travel to Mexico from Canada at this time. I really hope FI's cousin knows this, and I don't want to be the one to break it to her.
I have a very common problem happening to me...We have had our wedding planned since last year and 3 months after us, my fiances brother got engaged. They planted their wedding 3 months before ours. Doesn't sounds too bad right, except she is from Scotland and well there you go, we have to put down 5K 3 months prior to our wedding and I had to change my shower date. She is from edinburgh so she wanted the wedding there in the dead winter. I have heard about traveling to Scotland now for a year and I can't tell you how overly excited I am to just go get it over with and then focus on ours. He is in the wedding, and well there was no way out of this one because its HIS BROTHER! We are paying for the wedding ourselves so I can't tell you how furious I was about putting money down and not only that remember we have to do currency exchange to pounds so we are actually spending more than we wanted! Just take a deep breath and relax! No one said planning a wedding was easy! Just be the bigger person..believe me I was so angry and upset for a long time, but it only ruins the excitement for your own!
@Bostonsmom: Well I am glad your FI is starting to see how you feel. Good luck and update us when ya'll talk!
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I am shaking right now, I'm so upset!! I don't even know what to do, and my FI has made it clear that I better suck it up and stop whining. (paraphrasing)
UGH!!! I think I'm going to cry. So my FI and I have been together for 8 years and we have two kids together. Finally got engaged on Christmas day, would have been engaged alot sooner but he got transferred, then we had to sell our house and move plus we had to find another house to live in, then before selling our house we had some unexpected renos and so it goes. So EVERYONE and I mean EVERYONE knew that FINALLY this holiday season he was going to propose at long last! We already set our date in October/November because we really needed to book our venue a year in advance and we are having an October wedding. Anyways, his female cousin gets engaged three days before christmas, but didn't tell us until the day we got engaged. I was, and still am, very excited for them! But I kind of felt like WTH everyone in the family knew we were getting engaged, why would you do that?? But no big deal, just a minor annoyance.
So I have been planning my wedding in my head and for my Stagette me and my maids decided to do a Stampede Stagette. The Calgary Stampede comes once a year to Calgary, its like an outdoor rodeo plus there are other events and tons of rides and games, its huge its the biggest outdoor show in canada.There is always alot going on in Calgary during this time, like brunches and pub crawls and that sort of thing. Its like a party in the streets. I have been so so so excited, because its a once a year thing and I haven't gone to the Stampede since I had my first born so I'm really excited. Until I find out on friday that his cousin is planning a destination wedding. For the week of the Stampede. And now I have to cancel my stagette. Yahoooo.
REALLY??? who goes to mexico in July, thats the rainy season for starters. So now I hav to pay money to go to mexico during the freaking off season where it will probably rain the whole damn time. And it's going to cost us upwards of $2000. Great just great. Awesome. I can't wait. And I really hope my sarcasm is coming across. I'm sorry to bore everyone with the disaster that is now my life and I'm probably being melodramatic, but its how I feel. I''m disappointed I'm mad this sucks. And my FI says we are going to this wedding regardless because it is more important than my stagette. I agree, that his cousin's wedding is more important. If it were not in mexico, maybe. They truly can't expect their whole family to show up. And we were invited over facebook for crying out loud! UGH