VENT: Why am I so conflicted about a friend of mine?

posted 3 years ago in Relationships
Post # 2
Member
2725 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: August 2012

Without reading your other post, it sounds like you’re jealous of her. From what you’ve said she hasn’t done a thing to be a bad friend….it kinda sounds like you’re reaching.

I think it’s normal to feel a pang of jealousy when someone is doing something that you want to do (espceically when you can’t do it for some reason), but lashing out at her for it is just plain nasty, and you need to check that behaviour. 

Instead of focusing on all the things she has or does that you don’t, think about all the things you are lucky enough to have. All you’re doing is making yourself miserable with this behaviour.

Post # 3
Member
679 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: March 2013

Try to get your mind off her life. It’s really not worth it to spend so much mental/emotional energy comparing yourself and your life to hers.

Being jealous can mean you have some admiration for her deep down inside. Why convert it into something bad?

Post # 4
Member
4797 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: May 2014

leenh78:  I can see where you might feel jealous of a friend you perceive to be “better” than you (better at work, better vacays, able to go to hockey games). I don’t know. I just think there will always be people that have “more” than you. Always. I don’t go on fancy trips, ever. I can’t afford hockey games. And I am a definite follower. So really I could be jealous of you! But I’m not. somehow you have to find a way to not be jealous. Maye there’s a book out there about that? It’s really good that you recognize you might need to change your thinking. Some people are never introspective and I think we all need some of that sometimes.

Post # 5
Member
2087 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: October 2014

I agree with PPs. There is always someone who has more or better than you. The fact that your friend is doing something you want to do has no bearing on whether or not you can do it too. For example I have serious baby fever and everyone in FI’s family seems to be having babies. At first I was jealous but them being pregnant doesnt affect whether or not I will be pregnant soon. You should just be happy for your friend and happy for what you have.

“Comparison is the thief of joy”

Post # 7
Member
382 posts
Helper bee

leenh78:  As has been posted quite a bit on the bee, comparison is the thief of joy. It does sound like you are jealous of your friend and I think it is brave of you to admit that to yourself and to others.

The myth of scarcity can keep us locked into patterns of comparison that make us feel jealous, fearful and inadequate. In actuality, there is an abundant world around us where there is more than enough room for everyone to live full, joyous lives. There is room in the world and at your job for both you and your friend with your different strengths and talents to be valuable employees and amazing people. Her awesome trips, qualities, experiences, etc. don’t negate or detract from your awesome.

I think that if you focus on being grateful for what you have (your own talents/strengths, positive relationships, etc)  are intentional about devoting your attention to whole-heartedly living your own life and concentrate on enjoying experiences with your FI (like the trip or hockey game you mentioned) you will find that you are so busy living, loving and growing that there will be no room for jealousy for your friend, only more joy and gratitude about your own life.

Post # 8
Member
679 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: March 2013

 

leenh78:  I’m going to be real with you for a sec because I’m sure you’re not a terrible person or anything. Maybe you’re not doing this intentionally?

But just how you’re able to go back in time and even have a count in your head of when they went where….that shows you’re investing too much energy in their life. That’s a bit much.

Who cares when they go and don’t go somewhere? Anything beyond oohing and ahhhing their pics or an initial disappointment that you can’t go is a little odd imo.

Also, saying you and your hubs have way more material things than they do, by default, means you are comparing youself/your belongings to them.

Comparison can sometimes be the root of jealousy.Be careful.

It could also be that you actually don’t like her as a person, and when good things happen in her life it’s annoying because somewhow you feel she doesn’t deserve them?

 

 

Post # 9
Member
8016 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: September 2015

leenh78:  you just need to use your rational mind to override your jealousy. Whether her and her hubs go to Napa (which btw is on most peoples list and is an extremely famous and popular spot) has literally NOTHING to do with you and husband going.

same with a bruins game- they didn’t steal your tickets , you could have made it happen if you wanted to. 

Who cares where her inspiration for this comes from- 100s of thousands of people every year are inspired to see a hockey game and travel to CA!! You can’t help where these feelings come from, but you can learn about yourself and give less weight to them. They’re just feelings- they’re not gospel. Next time it flares up just battle it with consciousness and logic- “oh hi jealousy, there you are. You are irrational- my life is my own and has nothing to do with hers. You can go now” and go for a walk or otherwise distract yourself till it passes. 

 

I would also recommend some reflection of gratitude and what it means to be at peace and own your own life. Journal bullet points of what you’re grateful for, and find a helpful mantra to combat jealousy “my life is my own” etc

Post # 10
Member
876 posts
Busy bee

The funny thing is, my husband and I have much more material things and take more trips than they do. They’ve barely gone on any trips since their honeymoon in the Caribbean 10 years ago and a short trip to Indiana for her friend’s wedding because she was in it, which was maybe seven years ago. They surprisingly took a vacation to Naples, FL, this past November, and I say “surprisingly” because they’re the types who never spend money on anything. 

Maybe they see all the things that my husband and I do and it was inspiring for them to want to do those things, too? 

What are you doing? Why are you so focused on how much better you have it and how much better you are than they are? Even pointing out that the game they went to was crappier all around than the ones you go to. Why is it so important to you that you be better than them in everyway? It’s incredibly petty of you to begrudge her their small joys in life. and it’s complete bullshit that you even need to take credit for *inspiring them*. Seriously. Get off your high hores. It is incredibly obnoxious and distasteful. Honest to gods. *Maybe they see everything we’re doing and want to copy us*. Barf. Yeah, cuz it isn’t possible that something they are doing has absolutely nothing to do with you in any way shape or form.

I’m irate just reading this because I had a *friend* like you who was so full of herself she made everything in my life all about her. Funny because we haven’t been friends for years and dumping her like the self-absorbed cold potato she was didn’t change my life one. freaking. iota. It sure did bring back memories of how she was could never be happy for anyone though. She constantly down-graded other peoples events (oh its too bad she had shitty seats against a crappy team) in comparison to hers (we always have the best seats at the best game). And if someone did experience something she couldn’t compare to, she had to take credit it for it (they got that idea from me / are copying me / were inspired by me). Yeah, because none of us had the intelligence or capability of having a thought or idea that wasn’t provided by her. We all spent every waking moment thinking What Would Narcissa Do? and then set out trying to acheive that lofty goal.

I mean, why not just straight out say *well that’s nice but I’m still better than you* because it’s obviously vitally important to you to feel superior. There’s nothing like making your friends feel like they’re all just cheap knock-offs of fabulous, original you!!

Post # 11
Member
320 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: June 2010

Judging by what you wrote, you obviously know the way you’re acting is wrong. Now you need to take action to change your behavior. It is pretty clear that you’re very jealous of this friend of yours, which is probably why you minimize the things she does. I can pretty much guarantee she doesn’t spend her time thinking so much about your life, and planning activities and trips around what you’ve done. Focus on enjoying your own life and being grateful for what you have. It will make you much happier.

 

Post # 12
Member
173 posts
Blushing bee

You do you & let her do her. You don’t a “sole” stake in the Bruins, Napa, or anything she chooses to do! You are WAY too invested in her life/what she does, especially when it hasyou’re effect on you.

 

It sounds like you are jealous and envious of her, especially at work. Why not turn that envy into something useful if she has great leadership skills and you don’t, ask her to help/coach you in a peer-to-peer manner, provide observation and pointers, etc.?

Post # 13
Member
876 posts
Busy bee

I forgot to mention:

Yesterday, on a Facebook invitation for a mutual friend’s birthday weekend in Montreal, I mentioned how I’m maxing out my vacation time for the year with our 12-night honeymoon cruise in the Mediterranean and that I would be a ‘maybe’ for going to Montreal, and my friend chimes in with how vacation time won’t be maxed for her, but money may be since she and her husband are thinking about planning a vacation later this year in Napa, CA. When I saw that, the ugly green monster reared its head because touring wineries in CA has been a bucket list trip for my husband and I and we are even wine collectors, yet she and her husband hardly even drink it. So I let jealousy take over and said something to the effect of “I wasn’t aware that you two are into touring wineries — that’s been a bucket list trip of ours.”

Two things about this. One, it’s rather post-jacking of you to turn another person’s event discussion into a brag about you and your life. You could’ve just said your vacation time is maxed out or your yearly vacation time is maxed out by your honeymoon. But *my vacation time is maxed out by my 12-day mediterranean cruise*? Obnoxious bragging. It’s very *one-uppy* of you. Most especially in this context of someone else’s event. Like, *hey everyone! I’m thinking about a weekend trip to Montreal* and you respond with *probably not because 12-day mediterranean cruise!!! But I’m sure your little weekend trip will be totes adorb*.

And two, your *I wasn’t aware you had an interest in…* which you apparently have at least a smidge of self-awareness about. It comes off very a) if you aren’t aware of something, it must not exist and b) very I-liked-that-band-before-anyone-knew-they-existed and you’re all just copycats.

Maybe, just maybe, they aren’t into touring wineries. Maybe they just wanted to go for the romance, or the scenery or, I dunno, the wine.

I really feel for your friend who made the birthday post. I bet you a bunch of her friends sent private messages to her about your blatant one-upping.

 

Post # 14
Member
3637 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: September 2015

We can all get into a bit of a rut like this where it is easy to see what others have and harder to see what we have. So, how do you stop yourself from feeling this way? In a couple of steps:

  • Firstly accept the fact that perhaps it is a bit harder for you to be sacrificing things (like tickets) for your wedding/honeymoon than you originally thought it would be and try to think about your amazing trip everytime you feel envious.
  • Hide her from your newsfeed on Facebook to give yourself a break from her outside of work. This way you should have more “give” when at work because you don’t arrive already sick of her.
  • be very conscious about what you post on Facebook. If you think of something you want to post – wait 20 minutes and then post it, that is if it still sounds like a good idea after those 20minutes. 
  • I know that it sounds a bit silly but I do think that it will help – start making it a habit to write down one thing that you are grateful for everyday. Even if your day was sucky, write down something you are grateful for. It could be the awesome wine you are drinking that evening, the way your husband smells, the wedding dress you get to wear soon – anything! But consciously acknowledging your blessings will start to give you a better outlook automatically.
Post # 15
Member
397 posts
Helper bee

leenh78:  Eh… I won’t flame you, because at least you are aware you are being a bit jealous. I highly doubt she is trying to deliberately mimic your ideas, as much as she probably only realized how fun all of those things may be once she heard them from you (Example: Winery… I’m not an avid wine drinker, but I’d love to learn more about them, and have *always* thought touring wineries in CA would be beautiful, romantic, magical, etc.!).

It just sounds like you need to distance yourself from this woman. Due to your own issues. It’s not fair to her, and I think you’d find a whole lot more peace. Remain cordial, but it just seems like you don’t wholeheartedly like this woman. Though, it does sound like you tried to, which is why you have some “good moments”. However, the deeper you invest yourself into this “friendship”, the more you will resent her for things she does/says. 

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