(Closed) Vent: Why do I feel Guilt? Ending a friendship over 15 years

posted 7 years ago in Emotional
Post # 3
Member
124 posts
Blushing bee

I’m so sorry sweetie, but I think your FH is right. Looking at all the incidents in the past, she’s worth neither the trouble nor the heartache. You have been so paitient with her for so long dispite many, in my opinion, unforgivable things. Telling practically strangers informations you’ve trusted her with?!

You must realise that there’s nothing to be guilty over. Some people are just not worth the enrgy to keep in your life. Right now, just focus on your wedding, your FH, your other friends and all the other positive things around you.

Don’t worry, and as I’ve said, try to focus ont he positive things in your life. But once again, I’m sorry you are going through this.

Post # 4
Member
1438 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: September 2010

@smileygal: It’s hard when friends are manipulative with your emotions. I had a very similar situation. I met my former BFF when I was 5 or 6 years old and we were almost inseparable. When I hit my late teens we were partying and doing drugs all the time. I turned 17 and realized I didn’t want to follow in my mother’s footsteps and decided to stop partying. I told former BFF that I still wanted to hang out, just not as her wing girl at parties. She didn’t quite get it.

I went a little overboard in turning my life around, I stopped hanging out with almost everyone who had been in my life during my “troublesome” times. I didn’t find a balance between starting a new life and not ending my old one.

When I was 20, and was stable in my decisions and my life I decided to reach out to former BFF to mend the bridge. It went well for awhile, we had plans to meet up and for whatever reason I had to reschedule (I think my shifts at work got switched). She flipped. Then she started telling me that things that had happened in her life (she unfortunately had been raped at a party when she was 19) were my fault. I told her I didn’t needed to be treated like this and though I felt badly for the things that had happened, I wasn’t going to be her punching bag.

I never really spoke to her again. My brother ran into her at a bar and called me and put her on the phone, but it was 130am and I had to work the next day so I cut it short. She found out through a mutual friend that I was getting married and called my brother and told him she expected to be invited. She wasn’t.

Do I feel bad at times? Yes. Why? Because she was such a significant part of my life and you can’t help but to think you could have done something differently to make it work out.

Post # 5
Member
923 posts
Busy bee

It sounds to me like this woman has held your emotions and friendship hostage for years. Her unwillingness to acknowledge her hurtful behavior is a big red flag to me. I wouldn’t deal with that from a boyfriend or now my husband, why would I deal with that from a friend? But I have. I know how this has felt for you and all the things you have described I feel I have been through at one time or another with a so-called close gal pal. I’m so sorry you have had to deal with this, and I think you are a fantastic friend for staying in it as long as you have. But at a certain point a friendship like this zaps you of your energy and spirit. It is not a friendship that makes you better or adds to your life in anyway. It is definitely time to cut your loses, and I know the guilt you’re feeling can seem overwhelming at times. Know that you are doing the right thing for yourself by ending this friendship, and her manipulation and control can seem very convincing when you’re on the other end of it. But that’s all it is…. manipulation of your feelings to get you to do what she wants which is to forgive her and take responsibility for HER actions and by doing so basically saying that it was all your fault and not hers. 

I know you may think back to this and wonder if you could have done anything different. Could you have? Yes. Should you have? No. You’ve done everything right and when you’ve done something you wished you wouldn’t have done I know you’ve probably regretted it and beat yourself up for it for a while. At a certain point though, we have to move on from the past and you can’t keep letting someone hurt you the way she is. If you think something is up and meeting her feels wrong, TRUST YOUR GUT. Ask your mutual friends to please not bring her up anymore and say that you are ready to move on with your life and when they ask about inviting her to the wedding or bring her actions and what she says about you up in conversation that it hurts you and you want to focus on the positive in life. Gossip isn’t going to help you now and your mutual friends need to understand that.

I wish you the best and I think your wedding is going to be so much better without her involved. It may seem strange now but after it’s all over and it goes so well without her hurtful and negative behavior you will realize what a good thing you did for yourself and your new family by cutting her out of your life.

Good for you, and hang in there. It will get easier.

Post # 7
Member
2385 posts
Buzzing bee

If you think she would refuse the invite, I would send her a coutesy invite. If you think that she’ll start drama don’t bother sending it. It’s your day. Do what you want. 

Post # 8
Member
524 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: June 2011

OMG!!! I had to cut my friend of 28 years, its hard and I truly understand what you are going through!!!! Our friendship is not the same and I do miss that, but I know in my heart that I did not do anything but find a man who loves me and treat me with the respect I deserve, not only was she happy when I was miserable in my past relationship and crying all the time, now that I am happy she still has not met my FI she still hasnt come over our new home, she contiunes to speak with my mom on a daily basis and she calls my mom mom beucase her mom passed away and we were like sisters, but our relationship is over we speak only through text and that is maybe twice a month. I understand and I know this will pass for me as it will pass for you.

 

Stay Strong and keep smiling remember your getting married YAH!!!!!

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