Post # 1
My SO and I have had quite a few arguments because other people who are younger and/or have dated for less time than us have got engaged. I’m 33, I’ve been with my SO for almost 3 years and he still isn’t seriously considering marriage.
Last year we had huge arguments because his cousin (9 years younger) got engaged, and then our friends got engaged after dating for 1 year, and then our other friends (who’d been dating for 2 years) got engaged at Christmas. A few months ago we had an even bigger argument because my friend got engaged to his girlfriend of 14 months. This weekend my close girlfriend got engaged after 10 months. I’m happy for her, but it hurts that her SO has decided to spend the rest of his life with her after only 10 months together while my SO has been with me for 3 years and still hasn’t decided whether he loves me enough to stay with me.
My SO is indecisive at the best of times but it shouldn’t take so long for him to decide whether he loves me and wants to be with me or not. He knows that the clock is ticking because I’m 33 but he doesn’t love me he enough to do anything about it. Since my friend got engaged yesterday I just feel really resentful towards my SO because he doesn’t love me as much as her SO loves her.
My SO says that marriage is something he wants in his lifetime but that’s as much as I can get out of him. He’s said a few times that we won’t be getting married, for stupid reasons like I don’t clean the bathroom often enough, and I don’t want to take his surname, and my cat leaves hair on the couch which sticks to his clothes, and I keep borrowing his jackets. But I don’t think those things should be important if he loves me – he’s just making excuses.
Tonight I confided in my sister that I don’t think my SO will ever marry me. I think he’s comfortable because we live together, and he takes me for granted and sees no need to make a proper commitment to me. Actually I don’t think he has it in him to man up and make a proper commitment. I think I’ll end up leaving him because he wasn’t man enough to make a decision and commit to me in a reasonable time frame. It’s becoming very difficult for me to make an effort in this relationship because the more time that passes without a proposal, the more I feel that he doesn’t really love me and won’t ever propose. So I’m feeling very upset and unloved right now 🙁
Post # 3
@Lillianna: so sorry to hear you are feeling this way.
here on the boards there are any of us in a similar boat. But, what concerns me about your post is that he is not even talking about it in any time frame, or at really. Most of the bees here have had this discussion and a lot have a timeline. Sometimes a guy gives a timeline and doesn’t follow through, but he is not giving you much hope at all.
it seems like your only recourse is to move out, or start thinking about it. If he will consider marriage it will probably take this extreme to make him realize it.
Post # 4
I understand your pain Lillianna. I have been with my SO for 7 1/2 years. My best friend started dating SO’s cousin (which we didn’t know at first, they knew each other from work about 6 months before they started dating) 2 weeks after we did, they have been married 4 years now. 3 weeks ago my brother (who always said he would NEVER get married) married my SO’s sister. (I know all this inter-family marriage sounds insane).
SO and I have talked about getting married for 6 years, off and on. He frustrates me because he was the first to say I love you, the first to bring up a wedding, etc. When ever I bring it up though his answer to everthing is “Sure”. That is his “I hear you, but am to busy ignoring the question to answer you any further response”.
I’m almost 40 (in Feb.) he is 2 years younger, and I feel that men don’t look at getting married like women do. Women get older, men age gracefully kind of thing, I guess. My biggest fear is that I have to change things because of my age. Which I am slowly working myself into I don’t and WON’T! 🙂
Anyway, I sort of agree with what Waitingtoexhale said. If he isn’t prepared to even discuss it, you may have to reevaluate the relationship. The problem is if you leave to try to get him to make a decision, and it isn’t the one you want are you prepared for that.
I LOVE my SO and even though I would love to be his MRS. someday, if it never happens I have decided I am ok with that. I tried to give him a timeline once and then I got really sick and had 6 surgeries over 2 years and he was there with me every single step of the way and that was what made me KNOW I will stay with him no matter what.
YES, I want the wedding and the dress and all the girly stuff of a wedding, but I want HIM more!
Just my two cents worth! Good luck in your decision!!!
Post # 5
No, he has no time frame in mind. I asked about his plans for the future and he said he doesn’t have any. I asked where he wants to be in five years time and he said he doesn’t know. I asked if we’re going to get married and he said he doesn’t know. I have no idea how to progress that conversation any further, because the answer to every question is just “I don’t know”. So I told him that the ball is in his court and if we’re not engaged by Christmas 2013 I’ll start making plans to move out. He just said ok.
He has mentioned buying a house together, and I said no because I don’t want to be tied into property ownership with someone who I’m not married to (or at least engaged to). I don’t understand why he’d be happy to sign a 25 year mortgage with me but doesn’t want to marry me.
Post # 6
That is incredibly frustrating. 3 years in a committed relationship and no thoughts whatsoever about the future? especially when you’ve expressed that marriage is something you want. some men get really comfortable in the day to day and don’t think about the future. yea 5 years seems a long time from now, but time flies! I really feel for you and sometimes all the talking in the world doesnt help in the conversation is one sided.
Post # 7
Is proposing to him out of the question?
Post # 8
@waitingalongtime: “YES, I want the wedding and the dress and all the girly stuff of a wedding, but I want HIM more!”.
I want him more than I want a wedding – but the way I see it, if we aren’t married then I don’t actually have him. I’m not bothered about the wedding. We don’t have much money anyway. I don’t even need a wedding dress or flowers, I’d be satisfied with a civil service for just the two of us. I don’t want a wedding – just a legal commitment.
Post # 9
@GoldfishPie: Yes, proposing to him is out of the question. I’d be resentful and angry because he denied me the opportunity to be proposed to like every other girl, and I’d feel like he didn’t really want to marry me, because if he did then he would have asked me. If I had to do the proposing instead of him, I’d lose all respect for him as a man and wouldn’t want to marry him anyway. If he can’t man up and propose to me then he doesn’t deserve to marry me.
Post # 10
@Lillianna: I was with my ex for 8yrs and talked about marriage for a minute. He was always going back and forth, he wants to get married, he’s never getting married, you don’t do this or act this way, why would I make you my wife, etc… Besides, he was abusive so its a little different situation, but 8yrs of going back and forth about marriage and kids. Now I’m glad I didn’t commit and just got out of the relationship alive. Sorry a little off topic, but my point is, if he’s using those excuses then that doesn’t sound very good or like a person who wants to commit in marriage. I’m now getting engage, hopefully next couple of days, to my SO of 8 months. My dog sheds ALOT, it my dog and it gets on my nerves, but my SO doesn’t care. I wear his shirts and when he sees it on me he laughs and says, “I’ve been looking for that shirt.” So those little things shouldn’t bother your SO.
I’m sorry you’re feeling this way. My only advice is too really contemplate what you’re willing to accept and what you’re not. And then be firm and strong with your decision. We don’t know your SO or your relationship, but perhaps there’s someone out ther that can give you what uou want because they want the same. Just by your post, you don’t sound too happy and just settling for now. Although my situation was different, I needed to get out, but just don’t waste 3 more years to still be unhappy about your desicion. Good Luck! 🙂
Post # 11
First of all stop comparing your relationship to other peoples. You shouldn’t live your life comparing and contrasting to others, making choices based on what others on doing.
Second of all your So has been very honest with you about his intentions. My peice of advice listen to all that he has told you and beilive him!
For fuck sakes he can’t even committed to knowing or wanting to be together in five years?
Trust me it isn’t easy I been in the same position. Dating for five years, he wants to buy a house and talk about kids. I told him to make up his mind and I would be moving up when our lease was up and I did.
It took us being separated and me dating for him to finally proposed. When he finally did it felt awful. He proposed because he had to not because he wanted too. For some other ladies they may be fine with that, but it made me sick and I didn’t want to live my rest of live constantly thinking about the fact that I had to practicually force him to propose.
My advice is to be clear about your expectations and life goals. If he doesn’t agree with it or have simular ideas then move on! Yes it will be hard but I think it’s better to be single then in an unfulfilling relationship.
Post # 12
I guess that sucks but i don’t get why you just can’t be with him regardless?? I’ve never understood this. Like PP said, she does want a wedding but she wants HIM more.
I would never call off a relationship because he didn’t propose within a time frame. But at the same time, i’m not one of those brides, and i actually never did want to get married. Maybe because he felt no pressure from me, or signs, he decided to do it?
I really believe that if a guy feels pressure before he’s ready(it doesn’t just have to be verbal signs, but non verbal too), then it will take him a lot longer. Doesn’t mean he doesn’t love you or want to be with you. Why can’t girls accept that if he’s not ready, then he’s not ready, and can’t you just still be with each other until that day comes… even if it’s 5, 10, years down the road??
there’s SO much pressure on guys to propose these days, i don’t think it’s fair to them. Not just from their SO’s but from society and other people as well.
Post # 13
When/if he wants to, he will. It’s not his fault that other people are getting engaged. Everyone’s different.
Post # 14
I agree with echolove. Going back and forth about marriage is one thing – it is a huge committment and guys sometimes don’t deal well the pressure. However, the fact that he uses things like cleaning the bathroom, borrowing his clothes, and pet hair as a reason that you would not make a satisfactory wife is not okay in my book. I totally get that peope have different personalities and pet hair drives me insane too but come on. I sometimes don’t clean the bathroom as much as my Fiance would like but he’s never said I’m going to be a crappy wife because of it.
Post # 15
YES, I want the wedding and the dress and all the girly stuff of a wedding, but I want HIM more!
for this, and @RockStar33: for a lot of women its not about wanting a wedding (aka the party) tis about wanting the committment, and not wanting to have kids outside marriage. I wouldnt have waited forever for my fi if he didnt know how he felt about marriage as i want to start a family, and personally i want kids within marriage
Sometimes pressure makes a man not want to propose, youre right but other times women spend years with men who have no real intention of proposing – ever. If marriage is something thats important to either partner, they need to establish how the other feels and if there is someoen else more compatible
Post # 16
Don’t let him decide your life for you. If a marriage is what you want, then a marriage is what you deserve. If he can’t even tell you if he wants to marry you at all, I’d leave. And the excuses are a big red flag. A man who is truly in love won’t make excuses or make you change just so you’re his “marrying type.” Three years is plenty of time for him to know if he wants to marry you or not, and IMO, he just seems like he simply does not want to get married.
Sorry he’s putting you through this, I wish you the best!