(Closed) Vent: Yet another friend is engaged :(

posted 5 years ago in Waiting
Post # 3
218 posts
Helper bee

@Lillianna:  so sorry to hear you are feeling this way.

here on the boards there are any of us in a similar boat. But, what concerns me about your post is that he is not even talking about it in any time frame, or at really. Most of the bees here have had this discussion and a lot have a timeline. Sometimes a guy gives a timeline and doesn’t follow through, but he is not giving you much hope at all.

it seems like your only recourse is to move out, or start thinking about it. If he will consider marriage it will probably take this extreme to make him realize it.



Post # 4
397 posts
Helper bee

I understand your pain Lillianna.  I have been with my SO for 7 1/2 years.  My best friend started dating SO’s cousin (which we didn’t know at first, they knew each other from work about 6 months before they started dating) 2 weeks after we did, they have been married 4 years now.  3 weeks ago my brother (who always said he would NEVER get married) married my SO’s sister.  (I know all this inter-family marriage sounds insane).

SO and I have talked about getting married for 6 years, off and on.  He frustrates me because he was the first to say I love you, the first to bring up a wedding, etc.  When ever I bring it up though his answer to everthing is “Sure”.  That is his “I hear you, but am to busy ignoring the question to answer you any further response”.

I’m almost 40 (in Feb.) he is 2 years younger, and I feel that men don’t look at getting married like women do. Women get older, men age gracefully kind of thing, I guess.  My biggest fear is that I have to change things because of my age.  Which I am slowly working myself into I don’t and WON’T!  🙂

Anyway, I sort of agree with what Waitingtoexhale said.  If he isn’t prepared to even discuss it, you may have to reevaluate the relationship.  The problem is if you leave to try to get him to make a decision, and it isn’t the one you want are you prepared for that.

I LOVE my SO and even though I would love to be his MRS. someday, if it never happens I have decided I am ok with that.  I tried to give him a timeline once and then I got really sick and had 6 surgeries over 2 years and he was there with me every single step of the way and that was what made me KNOW I will stay with him no matter what.

YES, I want the wedding and the dress and all the girly stuff of a wedding, but I want HIM more!

Just my two cents worth!   Good luck in your decision!!!

Post # 6
717 posts
Busy bee

That is incredibly frustrating.  3 years in a committed relationship and no thoughts whatsoever about the future?  especially when you’ve expressed that marriage is something you want.  some men get really comfortable in the day to day and don’t think about the future.  yea 5 years seems a long time from now, but time flies!  I really feel for you and sometimes all the talking in the world doesnt help in the conversation is one sided.

Post # 7
1458 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: January 2015

Is proposing to him out of the question?

Post # 10
1202 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: May 2013

@Lillianna:  I was with my ex for 8yrs and talked about marriage for a minute. He was always going back and forth, he wants to get married, he’s never getting married, you don’t do this or act this way, why would I make you my wife, etc… Besides, he was abusive so its a little different situation, but 8yrs of going back and forth about marriage and kids. Now I’m glad I didn’t commit and just got out of the relationship alive. Sorry a little off topic, but my point is, if he’s using those excuses then that doesn’t sound very good or like a person who wants to commit in marriage. I’m now getting engage, hopefully next couple of days, to my SO of 8 months. My dog sheds ALOT, it my dog and it gets on my nerves, but my SO doesn’t care. I wear his shirts and when he sees it on me he laughs and says, “I’ve been looking for that shirt.” So those little things shouldn’t bother your SO. 

I’m sorry you’re feeling this way. My only advice is too really contemplate what you’re willing to accept and what you’re not. And then be firm and strong with your decision. We don’t know your SO or your relationship, but perhaps there’s someone out ther that can give you what uou want because they want the same. Just by your post, you don’t sound too happy and just settling for now. Although my situation was different, I needed to get out, but just don’t waste 3 more years to still be unhappy about your desicion. Good Luck! 🙂

Post # 11
3569 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: April 2013

First of all stop comparing your relationship to other peoples. You shouldn’t live your life comparing and contrasting to others, making choices based on what others on doing.

Second of all your So has been very honest with you about his intentions. My peice of advice listen to all that he has told you and beilive him!

For fuck sakes he can’t even committed to knowing or wanting to be together in five years?

Trust me it isn’t easy I been in the same position. Dating for five years, he wants to buy a house and talk about kids. I told him to make up his mind and I would be moving up when our lease was up and I did.

It took us being separated and me dating for him to finally proposed. When he finally did it felt awful. He proposed because he had to not because he wanted too. For some other ladies they may be fine with that, but it made me sick and I didn’t want to live my rest of live constantly thinking about the fact that I had to practicually force him to propose.

My advice is to be clear about your expectations and life goals. If he doesn’t agree with it or have simular ideas then move on! Yes it will be hard but I think it’s better to be single then in an unfulfilling relationship.

Post # 12
2359 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: September 2012

I guess that sucks but i don’t get why you just can’t be with him regardless??   I’ve never understood this.    Like PP said, she does want a wedding but she wants HIM more.   

I would never call off a relationship because he didn’t propose within a time frame.  But at the same time, i’m not one of those brides, and i actually never did want to get married.   Maybe because he felt no pressure from me, or signs, he decided to do it?  

I really believe that if a guy feels pressure before he’s ready(it doesn’t just have to be verbal signs, but non verbal too), then it will take him a lot longer.   Doesn’t mean he doesn’t love you or want to be with you.   Why can’t girls accept that if he’s not ready, then he’s not ready, and can’t you just still be with each other until that day comes… even if it’s 5, 10, years down the road?? 

there’s SO much pressure on guys to propose these days, i don’t think it’s fair to them.  Not just from their SO’s but from society and other people as well. 


Post # 13
1556 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: September 2012

When/if he wants to, he will. It’s not his fault that other people are getting engaged. Everyone’s different.

Post # 14
128 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: May 2013

I agree with echolove. Going back and forth about marriage is one thing – it is a huge committment and guys sometimes don’t deal well the pressure. However, the fact that he uses things like cleaning the bathroom, borrowing his clothes, and pet hair as a reason that you would not make a satisfactory wife is not okay in my book. I totally get that peope have different personalities and pet hair drives me insane too but come on. I sometimes don’t clean the bathroom as much as my Fiance would like but he’s never said I’m going to be a crappy wife because of it.

Post # 15
2874 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: March 2013

YES, I want the wedding and the dress and all the girly stuff of a wedding, but I want HIM more!

for this, and @RockStar33:  for a lot of women its not about wanting a wedding (aka the party) tis about wanting the committment, and not wanting to have kids outside marriage. I wouldnt have waited forever for my fi if he didnt know how he felt about marriage as i want to start a family, and personally i want kids within marriage

Sometimes pressure makes a man not want to propose, youre right but other times women spend years with men who have no real intention of proposing – ever. If marriage is something thats important to either partner, they need to establish how the other feels and if there is someoen else more compatible

Post # 16
10 posts

Don’t let him decide your life for you. If a marriage is what you want, then a marriage is what you deserve. If he can’t even tell you if he wants to marry you at all, I’d leave. And the excuses are a big red flag. A man who is truly in love won’t make excuses or make you change just so you’re his “marrying type.” Three years is plenty of time for him to know if he wants to marry you or not, and IMO, he just seems like he simply does not want to get married.

Sorry he’s putting you through this, I wish you the best!

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