Weddingbee boards

hi bees! so this is mostly a vent (and a pretty long one at that....); i don't really know that there's anything my hubby or i can do differently than we already are but i appreciate any advice or sympathy...

M is one of DH's best friends (and former college roomate and our groomsman). he broke off his engagement after he found out his fi had cheated on him. they had been living all the way across the country together, but as soon as M found out, he jumped in his car and drove all the way back to NY, where he'd lived before this past summer and where all his friends and family are. he's totally devastated; his ex-fi is really just awful and it's a really crappy situation. luckily he found out before they got married, and luckily they hadn't planned anything yet (even though they got engaged last may) so they don't have to worry about deposits or anything. but he's still heartbroken, of course.

this was about 3 weeks ago he's been staying on and off with his parents, sister, us, and other friends since; ie, in less than 3 weeks, he's spent about 5 nights on our pull-out couch, and then spent more days with us than that (in the same 3 weeks, my in-laws also came to visit, which was exhausting in and of itself). we're more than happy to be there for M--it's not a question at all of whether he can stay with us ever, we've opened our home to him, fed him, done whatever he wants to do with him (including spending way more time going out than we normally do, staying up way later than usual, drinking more, etc, which has meant our work productivity is slacking...). he's really hurting, and helping him out is our top priority. but on the other hand, it's also been really hard on us. we haven't had much down time or privacy. so much so that last week we realized we were picking more fights with each other than usual because of that. like, we got in a huge fight, with tears, over a stupid misunderstanding right before our v-day dinner.

on top of that, M sometimes says really mean or overly critical things, without meaning to i'm sure. i def give him the benefit of doubt about it--he's probably just so wrapped up in his own hurt that he's not really thinking through what he says. like, his filter is temporarily missing. but he's said really insulting things about some of my friends, who he wanted to meet and then barely said one word to. he's criticized our dog and the way he's trained, ie us. he said something like "oh you're married now, it's your job to break him down!" after DH and i were bickering over our tv remote, etc. we usually just brush it off or don't respond, but it hurts my feelings when we've been trying so hard to be good friends. neither DH nor i are very confrontational anyway, but now just doesn't seem like a good time to call him out.

the good thing is the situation is temporary--M is looking for a job here and then will get his own apt, and then we won't be spending days and days with him without a break. so things will resolve themselves eventually... but in the meantime, this is hard! not as hard as it is for M, of course, but we have needs too...

i don't know, i'm really just venting...has anyone else dealt with a situation like this? any advice about how to get through it?

@deetroitwhat: he's 29...he's been working in the restaurant industry since college, which i think accounts for his really different lifestyle (late nights, more partying) than dh and me, with our more 9-5ish type schedules...

@SnugglesKD, mightywombat, 7mom, and sonj818: thanks!! it feels really good to know that i'm not just being a brat about losing DH and my's quiet time! DH and i have gotten better through this at realizing that the tension is bc of M being here, and being more conscious of it and appreciative of each other. and i think you guys are right that we should say something to M when he's being rude; i think dh needs to do it since they've been closer longer. dh kind of lets M push him around a bit in general though, so i think next time i hear him say something i could just respond in the moment that it wasn't an okay thing to say

@brenna1035: thanks! the part about it ending soon is why i kind of want to just let things run their course. like, maybe M can stay here if he needs to, but we aren't going to go out, and maybe i need to study in the other room (i'm in grad school) while he and dh watch tv. or something like that...

@deetroitwhat: i agree, i think people just get so wrapped up in their own feelings sometimes they just don't realize they're crossing a line--sorry your roomate was so rude to you and your fi!

@Cornflakegirl: so sorry you and your fi had to go through that! with kids in the mix too, that definitely would be a stressful situation. the thing about our situation that's a little different is that M is technically living with his parents, who live in the suburbs, so he's here on and off when he wants to be in the city with us and other friends. if he was living here for real, we'd def have to give him a time line to move out! even so, we probably should make ourselves less available to him if he keeps going on this way...

okay a related question for all the bees: i'm still fb friends with M's ex-fi, even though M and dh defriended her. her relationship status says she's in a relationship with the guy she cheated on M with, and she's posted a bunch of pics with this new guy (i said she was awful, didn't i?!?) meanwhile, she's been telling M she made a mistake and wants to get back together. would you tell M about the fb stuff? dh and M's other friend think it would just hurt M more to see that, and i think i agree...unless M actually gets serious about taking the ex-fi back, in which case i think he has to know....

@deetroitwhat: i know, i really should defriend her....i'm just really nosy! :(

@karatechick27: thanks! you're right, we shouldn't let him interfere with our schedules. it's hard though--dh works at home, and i'm in grad school, so we're really only accountable to ourselves on a daily basis, there's no like direct boss or supervisor that we need to see each day. and M doesn't really get that we still need to be responsible...

@SnugglesKD: oh that book sounds great, thanks! i know he's seeing a psychiatrist who is helping him move forward too, so that's a really good sign for him. he mostly has no interest in contacting the ex, which is great, but he has had a couple conversations with her...