(Closed) vent/advice: helping friend with broken engagement

posted 7 years ago in Emotional
Post # 3
Member
4313 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: November 1999

I understand that you’re trying to be helpful, but how old is this guy?  I think he has overstayed his welcome.

Post # 5
Member
5096 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: June 2011

Actually, I think it is appropriate to call him on it.  Having your heart broken doesn’t give you free rein to be rude to your friends and hosts.

You can say something like, “hey, I know you’re in a bad place right now. But you haven’t been yourself, and it feels sometimes like you’re taking it out on us.  I know you’re not doing this on purpose, but it’s been kind of hurtful.”

Post # 6
Member
105 posts
Blushing bee

OP, you’re doing such a wonderful thing.  Going through a broken engagement sucks.  He’s lucky to have friends like you and your husband.

However, you can only be saints for so long.  I would continue to talk to him about how he’s doing, what he’s planning to do in the short term, and if there is anything else you can do to get him back on his feet (and in his own place!).  I don’t know if there is any way to alert him to his criticisms without him becoming emotional or defensive. Can I suggest you and DH plan a night out, just the two of you?

Good luck!

Post # 7
Member
5096 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: June 2011

Also, I think you guys are being really kind, and it’s not necessary to disrupt your own lives so much.  Having him stay with you, great, but don’t get less sleep or hurt your jobs because of it.

Post # 8
Member
646 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: October 2011

Aw honey, it sounds like you’re being the best friend that you can be.

Like you said, when he snips and says mean things, he doesn’t mean them. He’s in a really miserable place right now.

As for you and your FI fighting, it would happen to most of us. The added stress, the hurt your feeling for him, etc, all wrap into making things stressful.

The best thing you and your FI can do is just be conscious of the fact that he’s causing you stress and really try to work together to not let it get to you. Would it be possible for you and your FI to have one night a week together? Or to leave earlier than needed for work (you guys could then grab coffee alone) or to meet somewhere after work (before going home?)

Hang in there. M is lucky to have friends like you guys!

Post # 9
Member
442 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: August 2015

I have never been in this situation but it seems as though you and your husband need to set some ground rules. Let him know he is allowed to stay, but smart comments and such will not be tolerated. If you can’t say that, say something along the lines that you and husband need some privacy and schedule the times. I also think that your husband is the one that needs to speak with your friend. I really hope M moves out sooner than later. 

Post # 10
Member
4313 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: November 1999

@finnaroo:  Honestly I think those comments are coming out because he’s unhappy about his situation.  My old roommate used to say THE RUDEST stuff to me and my husband (then boyfriend) because she was going through an ugly break up.  I never really realized WHY she was doing it then, but I used to think she was being such an asshole.  For the generosity you’re showing this man, I really think he needs a reality check.  And, a lot of the other things you’re doing you don’t have to, ie, staying up late, drinking more, etc.  Those are things you can handle immediately.

Anyways, I’m sorry.  What a crappy situation.  I am sure he will look back and feel kinda bad for his comments.

Post # 11
Member
550 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: August 2011

So sorry about your troubles!!!! <3

I totally agree with mightywombat. Being in a bad place does not give you a free pass to be mean and hurtful to others. IMO it isn’t helping him heal either. I think you are awesome friends, letting him stay with you! But when it gets to a point when you and your husband are fighting, it’s time to speak up. However, if there is an end in sight (and I mean soon), it might make things more awkward than they need to be…

Post # 14
Member
2053 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: October 2011

@finnaroo: I’ve been in an extremely similar situation. My fiancé’s friend had a relationship fail, was living in the midwest and needed to return to a new and more stable life. My fiancé was an angel and opened his home to his friend. His friend certainly helped around the house, but just his presence was such a strain on the household as my fiancé has two boys, other obligations, and was dating me. It just got to be too much and yes, everyone was fighting more. His friend would make snide comments here and there about whatever. Finally his friend was given a deadline to get out. It helped that at the time I had a friend who was looking for a roommate so PHEW that helped alleviate the situation. So I would suggest to you that dude gets out of your home and FAST. You and your husband are probably best approaching him on this together. You are awesome people to be so accepting and caring of him, but he is totally throwing the dynamics off between you and your husband, and the entire household. Seriously, how much longer are you willing to let this go on? It is time for him to pick himself up by his bootstraps and moooooooove oooooooon. His recent experiences are projecting outward and poisoning your home. Give him an exact deadline (by the end of March, end of April at most!) for him to be out and that is all there is to it. You and your family need to come first here. Good luck to you!

Post # 16
Member
4313 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: November 1999

@finnaroo: That’s a tough one.  Yes, I think I would tell him.  And then unless you’re good friends with her–delete her!!

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