Weddingbee boards

ok. I just have to vent about my future DIL, one is early 20 and one is mid 20 with 3 kids, I am venting because I see more and more how good they are at manipulating and getting money from their family members, it just really irks me to see that. To make a long story short, the older girl with 3 kids are living with their mom while her and her husband are saving up money for house. But everytime I logged on fb, I see that they are out eating or with their friends (no big deal). Then because of a major freak out with my FI (their dad), he decided to pay for his son in law's tux as groomsman because they "didn't have the money", the girls also had complained and got mad because they weren't invited to the only bachelorette party that I paid for which I only invited the bridesmaids (my sisters, bff and daughter). Then quite often, they would tell their dad (sometimes their dad and me) to meet them for lunch/dinner and then ask him to pay for them (not a big deal but one time when he hesitate because he is short on money, they pouted and he paid right away), and I saw on the fb that their grandma had given them money to buy dresses for our wedding, also when their dad mentioned that he got a few hundred back from a source, the older girl asked if she can have it so that she can pay off some bills. (Thank God her dad said he already made plans for the money). All these to me among other things that I didn't post are signs that they are all about money and what they can get. I don't doubt that they love their family but it also tells me that they equate love with money. Yes, I do realize that I will be dragged into it and I've had a talk with my FI about stopping the unnecessary freeloading once we are married, but still ticks me to no end because I've worked HARD for my own independence all my life and seeing these just irks me to no end.

I can understand your POV. I wouldn't like it if anyone took advantage of my FI. However, I do believe that this is a problem that your FI needs to take care of. You don't want to be the type of step mother that divides your FI from his kids. Can you imagine how devastating it would be for your FI if he had to choose between you or his children? They've had a relationship with him for 20 something years. You can't just come in and set things straight even after marriage. That's just the relationship they have with their dad. He and the other family members are who she relies on when things get rough.

At the same time try to understand a father's heart. How can you make your kids pay for food if you guys are eating out? To a father their daughters will always remain his baby girls. They're his flesh and blood. Once you two are married they're your children too even if they're in their 20s. You can't kick them to the curb to teach them a lesson. Just because they're saving doesn't mean they can't go out. If all the family members are giving them money you have to let it go. They're all family. That's what certain families do for each other. 

From my pov you're just stressing yourself out. Just don't let them take advantage of YOU. That's the only thing you can do. With everyone else in the family that's giving them money, that's their prerogative. You're not losing out. Right?

I totally understand what you are saying and I am trying not to let it get to me. I just believe that it is very immature of them and I've never said that I don't want them to NOT have a relationship. I've only asked them to show their dad some respect when they are together attitude wise, (which I know is not my place, but my FI gave me his blessing). I do believe tha this is something that my FI is concerned about also because after the I talked to him, he did have a talk with them and admitted that they have been taking advantage of family's generosity. He didn't have a problem with helping them out (honestly neither did I), but its the fact that they ASKED (almost demand) for it all the time. If they didn't ask for help and everyone offers, I wouldn't have said a word, its the constant asking that bugs me. I have kids that are 12 and 16 and they don't ask for things as much as they do. And after we get married, I will be the one with the house, the savings and no debt, he will be the one moving in and trying to pay off his debts, how can he if they keep asking/demanding all the time? My talking to him DOES affect me in that regard.