posted 2 years ago in Family
Post # 2
42089 posts
Honey Beekeeper
  • Wedding: November 1999

MouthOfTheSouth:  As you said, everyone mourns or grieves differently. That includes your stepdad.

Don’t let our sister define who or what you are.

Frankly, I would let a few of her phone calls  go to voicemail.

Post # 4
6048 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: March 2012

When my mom died my dad shut down for 5years.  We were still in college and I wound up taking over his business and running it.  He could not function.  I was ANGRY, thinking that I never had the chance to break down or even cry.  Things had to get done and no one else was doing anything.  

She was my mom, she was his everything. His best friend, his companion, lover, and had been for over 30 years.  I can see both where you’re coming from but have you thought about what life would be like if your spouse passed?   Once I met DH and we got engaged my anger went away, I could see what happened to my Dad clearer.  Your sister sounds like she needs some friends.  Maybe let some calls go to voicemail but maybe see her a little more often?  She sounds lonely. We tried doing brunch for mother’s day, it was Brutal, but after the first one, my older brothers came around with us and we just spent two hours together and it was fun.  Maybe you all could try getting together.


I’m so very sorry for your loss I know planning for your wedding during this time has to be hard.

Post # 5
305 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: June 2014


im sorry for your loss. I lost my mom 3.5 years ago in a pretty traumatic (to me) way And. I know how hard it can be. I had to take care of most things as my sister was nine months pregnant, and my brother shut down (he found her). there were times my brother would not talk to me about it, and times where it was all my sister wanted to talk about (even if I didn’t). All I can say is that I think you are being a little unfair to your step dad. You have to remember that he lost his wife, probably the love of his life And is reacting the only way he knows how. I don’t think you should be holding his grief again’t him. It almost feels to me as if you are saying “why is he being this way! Does he not recognize that we are hurting too? He’s making it all about him”

i dont think he’s trying to do that at all. I think he’s just genuinely sad he lost his wife. whenever I think about the day I might lose my husband, I know I would be devastated. It might be nice if you tried to visit him, it might not be so bad. It might even help him move forward , and help you guys come to a common place. Even though he’s your stepdad, he’s still family. Maybe if you did talk to him he may even be able to make you feel like your grief matters too and thatyour wedding matters too. Just remember, your sister isn’t going to get all those things either in regards to nit having her there at the wedding, and her kids not having their grandma.

i think your sister calling a lot is her trying to maintain a relationship with you. Especially after your mom died, maybe she just wants to be close to you .. You never know. I know how hard it is, but I think you are being awfully closed off towards your family.  

Post # 6
3637 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: September 2015

I understand that this is a vent and I apologise if you aren’t really looking for advice but here is some anyway: It sounds like your sister and stepdad are starting to grieve the loss of the family rather than just the loss of your mother. You guys haven’t been together since Christmas and in hard time families need to make a bigger effort to spend time together to help each other pull through.

Why not make plans for say, a months time, to go out to lunch/dinner/whatever with the four of you (you, FI, sister and stepdad, brother too if that is easy to do). Offer to pay if you can. That way you don’t have to see the messy house, you force your stepdad to come out and be part of society, your sister gets some real quality family time which she seems to desperately need and you can start to include them in your life a little. Talk about the wedding, talk about the house, they want to be included, they want to feel like a family again. Not trying to make you feel guiltly but I’m sure that they are both feeling a little left behind by you, everything seems to be going so well. I’m not saying that it is your job to drag them along with you, to fill his pantry or clean his house or answer everyone of her phone calls – but perhaps spending a few hours together, away from the house and memories and starting to create new ones as a family will help them to heal and begin to stand on their own again.

Good luck, it will get easier with time.

Post # 7
576 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: May 2015

I’m going to make this short: I lost my mom a year ago. I hear you, I do. Sometimes other people will just drive you nuts.

But everyone feels/deals with/expresses grief differently, and if there’s one lesson loss should teach us, it’s to love each other while we have each other. 

Your sister and step dad are reaching out because get need you. Be there for them if you can.

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