I'm upset and I need to vent. My best friend and I are both pregnant--I'm 38 weeks and she is 35. She got mad at me about 3 months ago when I told her bumpers aren't safe, but then she asked me why and for some information, so I sent her links to pediatric websites and safety stuff about how bumpers aren't safe. She told me something along the lines of, but they're so cute. Then 2 months ago, we were together with our moms and she said something about bumpers and safety and her mom was all like, thats bologna, they're safe. So anyway, I thought from this brief exchange that she had come to her senses about bumpers... And then today, she just posted photos on Facebook of her nursery... And there they are... Bumpers in the crib. I think safety should trump "cute." And she KNOWS they aren't safe.
I know how she will react if I say something. She already got pissed at me for telling her that her husband should go to her birthing classes with her. She is very stubborn. So I had to vent here. I makes me even more upset that I feel like I can't say something, and God forbid... SIDS... I can't even think about it. I would feel guilty for not saying something... Ugh.
In general, too, I'm constantly surprised by how little someone who wanted to get pregnant sooooo bad can research and prepare. When I saw her last, i had Braxton Hicks contractions and she had no idea what those were. Whenever something weird happens (like she has discharge or something), she calls me to check my books because I guess she never got any... Whatever, I'm just rambling now and being bitchy.
One thing I've learned is to just keep my mouth shut when it comes to others. A good friend of mine bought a drop-sided crib, has bumpers, and other things. I bite my tongue and just smile. Why? Because it's not worth the argument. You mention it once, then let it go. That's what I've done with people.
If my child was staying there at times, then I would be willing to argue my case. My mother in law seems to think that because DH grew up with bumpers, a drop-sided crib, and blankets that it's fine to do. I've put my foot down with her and if things aren't right when baby comes, then baby will not be staying with them.
What about giving her a book or two to read? You could also suggest calling her doctor, may get her to look up some things. I call my sister and text my best friends Mom (who works in l&d) when I have questions or concerns, but anything I'm really not certain of I would just call my doctor myself.
I understand! I tend to be on the paranoid side, and I can't stand it when people are like "well, I did that and it was fine." Well, I'm choosing not to and that will be fine. I know that you can't prevent everything, but I'd rather not worry about something as stupid as crib bumpers/deli meat/wine/etc.
My girlfriend has bumpers that are equivalent to throw pillows on adult beds. She leaves them on for photos and for when guests are over but removes them when the baby is in the crib. Maybe she will come to her senses??
You are a good friend for worrying about her. It genuinely irritates me when people think people go overboard these days with protecting their unborn babies. I have a friend who is around 14 weeks and everytime it is something with her....
Example: "Well my sister had a 40 ounce soda a day with all of her kids so I think I will be fine""Well my mom says she had deli turkey throughout her entire pregnancy with no negative side effects" "Well tylenol is ok during pregnancy so i take one almost every day"
There are enormous amounts of articles regarding these issues for a reason!!!! Maybe it happens to 1 out of 100 kids... but do you want to be that 1? Why risk it? Do you need soda and turkey THAT bad? Get over yourself.
stole your vent.
While most agencies discourage the use of bumpers, they aren't illegal and using them or not is a personal choice for each parent to make themselves. I feel they fall into the personal preference category and when DH and I have a kiddo we may use them or not, depending on our child. Some kids are nice calm sleepers and never need them, others bump their heads or get their arms and legs stuck in the bars on a regular basis.
Furthermore, deaths directly related to bumpers have been due to suffocation or strangulation, not SIDS which still has no official cause. There is some conjecture about whether airflow/stale air plays a role in SIDS, but I learn towards the research that links SIDS to neurological defects, specifically low serotonin in the brain. When an infant is sleeping face down or has their face pressed against a bumper/fabric/pillow/something restricting their airflow, an infant with normal serotonin levels would turn their head. A baby with abnormal serotonin levels in the brain doesn't respond to the lack of oxygen the same way.
Whether you choose to use bumpers or not, and I'm sure you're just concerned about your friend, it isn't really your place to parent her nor her child so I would probably stay out of it, especially since she's made her choice clear.
A general pubmed search on SIDS.
In the end your friend is going to do what she wants. I had seen some pretty cute bumpers as well and ultimatly decided to go for ones that where mesh so if my baby DID end up against it, she could still breathe. I agree that safty is more important then cuteness, your kid isn't gonna remember how cute her/his nursery is and if they die it won't matter how cute it is. She's pretty silly but she's entitled to her own way of doing things, it's not anything you need to continue to talk to her about since she isn't going to listen.
If friends or family are doing something stupid or risky, I speak to them once, just to make sure they are aware of the risks.
After that, they (and their children) are on ther own.
I would just let it go, unfortunately it's not your place to do anything more then you've already done. Like a PP said, maybe she put the bumpers in for the photo or got them as a gift so they are in to decorate until baby comes?
In the end, as crappy as it is to stand by, it's ultimately her choice how to raise her baby and around what dangers. Bumpers aren't illegal, so some people will still buy and use them.
You'll strain your friendship if you let yourself get too invested in the choices she makes about her baby, because I'm sure there will be plenty more things you disagree on.
+1! Great info!
That has to be a frustrating situation. I have two FB friends who are the most wonderful and amazing moms. They both have multiple kids and make most of their families' food from scratch (one even made all of her last child's baby food) so that their children will be as healthy as possible, and, yet, FB pictures of their nurseries show not only bumpers but all kinds of stuffed toys in the cribs. I am hoping that the bumpers and toys are removed when the babies are in the cribs, but I have never felt comfortable asking them about it.
Ugh I can relate. I have a pregnant friend that is driving me bonkers too. Its for different reasons, but it's very similar. I bet they will be annoying too when their babies are here. Venting is ok!
@Brielle: I tend to give people the benefit of the doubt on stuffed animals, because those can easily be removed and have a purpose other than crib decoration... but bumpers... sure they can be removed, but $80 is a lot to spend on something you're keeping on the crib until the baby is born and then removing and I can't imagine removing and reinstalling them daily.
Thanks for the feedback, everyone. I definitely don't plan to say something again (unless it somehow comes up in a way not initiated by me). I know there's no way I can change her mind. DH wants to send her links to articles again and stuff, but that'll just piss her off. She'll blame me and won't talk to me for a few months and she won't stop using them. In fact, she's the type to insist even more on using them out of spite.
As for SIDS, I understand that the bumpers are not the direct cause of any SIDS deaths but rather a contributing cause, a trigger that results in a situation in which SIDS can manifest. Since there are absolutely no actual safety benefits (only perceived benefits) to bumpers and you actively have to put them in the crib, the risk is not just neglegence. You have to, as a parent, choose to do something you know endangers your child. It's like unbuckling a seatbelt.
Just a thought... my girlfriend bought a bedding set that came with bumpers. The bumpers were put in for the nursery picture then taken out prior to the baby using the crib. Maybe she'll do something similar.
@MyFavouriteChords: Her set did not come with the bumpers. She registered for them separately, and it was when I saw them on her registry that I told her about the recommendation that crib bumpers not be used. I had just read a lot about it a few days before and been told in child birth classes about the risk.
She did not get them at her shower as a gift, but she may have gotten them some other time since I last saw her in late November. I suspect that she purchased them. They are $80. If you don't intend to use something like that and got them as a gift, why would you not return them? She returns gifts with no problem. She is not the type to feel compelled to keep something and display is just because it's a gift. I would like to think they are there for the photos, but I highly doubt it.
I'm going to keep hoping that once she has a pediatrician, that doctor will give her a talk about safety and mention bumpers. Maybe that will make the difference and she'll take them out.
Ahhh..... my SIL registered for bumpers and I even told my MIL why they're bad. I know she told SIL! It kills me! I've heard of some people having them up for the cute factor until the baby is ready to sleep in the crib. But yeah, there's so many things! I studied early child development, so I have a ton of knowledge on SIDS risks and SIDS reductions, yet no one asks me, and friends who are parents never listened to me because I haven't had my baby yet. And then there's the other early child development knowledge that I have. It stinks to have to be quiet, but when people don't listen anyways, what can you do?
The thing is everybody is different and it's all about personal choices you did the right thing by giving her the information but if that's her choice well you wouldn't want her arguing with you about how you're going to raise your children so try to forget about it
@mrsSonthebeach: urg I hear you. I feel crazy these days. Almost all my friends who have been pregnant drank and when I see them they offer me drinks and then raise eyebrows when I don't. Why should I be the one apologising for not drinking? Alcohol is a toxin that I don't want to expose my growing baby to!
Then, another friend just had a baby last week and is all over FB with her drinking sessions where she is massively boozing. I know she chose not to breast feed to have more freedom it just upsets me. I 100% know I have no right to judge anyone and I have no idea why I am!?
Both situations just grate on me where as when I wasn't pregnant I wouldn't have even thought about it. I feel terrible.
@MrsPadlock2B: ITA. Everyone makes choices that others find questionable.
I feel your pain!
At my work Christmas party I was actually PRESSURED by colleagues to drink alcohol though I am 6 months pregnant, have hyperemesis and am on medication.
People are mad!
I would be irritated to, but as others have said, it sounds like you did what you could and at a certain point you just have to step back and let others make their decisions and live with them.
Coming back to this thread totally reminded me of another pet peeve, seriously almost everyone who posts a photo of their baby in an infant carseat doesn't have the harness clip up high enough. Again, I don't say anything because how do you judge someone like that, but it drives me crazy when I see peoples harness clips low on the torso. I'm hoping most of these photos are taken when baby has been loosened a bit while strolling around and not actually ready to drive, but who knows.
@MrsPadlock2B: At the same time, sometimes personal choices aren't in the baby's best interest. I can understand the OP being frustrated that somebody else is doing something that endangers their child for the sake of looking cute, and is refusing to acknowledge danger. I find the modern rhetoric of whatever a mother chooses being automatically correct to be incredibly misguided and dangerous (vaccinations are a great example).
I'm not saying parents should have no choices, but that if someone is doing something dangerous, it doesn't mean everyone should automatically stand back and not say feel frustrated, because somehow the parent's "choice" trumps the rights of the baby.
I was just having this discussion with DH yesterday! We've been shopping for crib bedding, and it seems like almost all the sets come with bumpers. I don't really feel like paying the extra $$ for something I'll never use, and yes they're cute, but I had thought it was common sense at this point that they are unsafe! And to me it's completely different than having a debate about vaccinations, how long you breatfeed, all the tons of food/drink restrictions, etc. There are zero possible benefits for either the mother and the child - it's just something to look cute. But I have several relatives who had their infants die in their crib, and I sure as heck won't be taking any chances.
Good link for repurposing bumpers if they happen to come in a bedding set you buy...
@MrsSawyer: That's pretty cool. Luckily, most sets don't include them anymore, so this will become less of a problem, but some still do.
As long as you said something once, you've done your job. If she was trying to get pregnant, she should have known this already.
I also get irritated by people who get upset because people try to be protective of their child. You should hear the stuff I had to hear from my coworkers because of my taking my daughter's lunch to daycare because all their foods come out of cans and I had a problem with the BPA and can thing I had read about.
@farawayviolet: I didn't say she shouldn't feel frustrated but she did all she can gave the information, and the friend is choosing something else and i dont believe it is her place to keep commenting on the persons choices, once and info are fine, any more and I'd personally be annoyed if anybody did that to me too.
And like other people have said she doesn't even know if they are just for photographic purposes or not.
Also I am very pro vaccination as a childcare worker so I hardly think the two situations are even comparable.
I also find the limited information and insufficient research available on the link between SIDS and bumpers is too insufficient to say that bumpers are definitively linked to SIDS. But in saying that I understand the choice to be cautious, it's not worth the risk, so I'd personally probably not take the chance and go bumper free or the mesh ones.
What I am saying is its not her baby, it's not her choice. And im not saying personal choices are also okay. The friend is not doing anything illegal or proven negative for baby, if she was on crack or beating a child different story, I'd be the first person calling the authorities.
@bklynbridetobe understanding personal choices seem to cause a lot of conflict for most members
@MrsPadlock2B: 27 dcumented deaths attributed directly to suffocation from crib bumpers is a pretty clear indicator that my friend is doing something proven dangerous. Smoking while pregnant isn't illegal either, but it's certinaly dangerous. Not all dangerous things are made illegal. I've also pretty clearly made the point that the bumpers are most likely not a photo prop.
It really is amazing how little some people will research things. Just the other day, this person I know was talking about how birth control pills are her only option for not getting pregnant because she thought the fertility awareness method means she could only have sex once a month... lol.
I'd say you did your piece warning her and shouldn't push it anymore. As horrible as her decision may be, she does have the right to make decisions for her family and we all know how annoying unsolicited advice can be. I see people who have bumpers on their cribs and I wonder if they just don't know about the potential risks, but clearly that isn't the case for your friend. Hopefully nothing comes of it!
@mrsSonthebeach: I've understood your point and my point is it's her child and her choices if its not illegal and you've given her the facts what else can you do.
@dreamocracy: totally agree with what you've said about not pushing the point and how annoying unsolicited advice can be. She did the right thing making sure the other women knew the information but once you've done that its out of your hands and should be left out of it
ok so im probably going to ge a lot of stick for this.... i have cot bumpers in my cotbed. Baby isnt due until April. Baby will not be in the cotbed until 4-6 months old. I have spoken to my midwife and the staff at babies r us and the advise i was given was to only use the bumpers at the head of the bed and put baby in the feet to foot position at the bottom of the bed. ensure the ties are securely fastened and make sure the bottom of the bumper is tucked in well so baby cant get its head underneath. As soon as baby is able to kneal the bumpers must be removed.
I had no intention of keeping the bumpers in the cot when baby goes in it and only serve purpose as decoration however my mother expressed concern at NOT having them. My brother has Brain damage caused by severley banging his head on the cot when he was a baby. There was no padding to take the force. I might leave the bumpers in and just use the guidelines given to me. i may still change my mind and put them to use another way.
@ChocolateLime: Just so you know, because I understand your mother's concern, scientists do not think crib bumpers stop that kind of blunt trauma. So you may be using bumpers to do something they don't actually do while also introducing a new risk into the equation. Your mother's concern is one of the reasons crib bumpers were introduced, but it turns out that they don't actully do that. The researchers of the major study on bumper safety below admit it is conceivable bumpers might help, but there is no evidence, whereas there is evidence that they aren't safe for other reasons and can actually worsen limb injuries. Also, once the baby is over 6 months old, he/she can lift his/her head above the level of the bumpers and hit their head on the railings above. Bumpers are supposed to come out once the baby can pull him/herself up on things, which is about the same time frame you are thinking of transitioning your child to the crib.
@mrsSonthebeach: dont get me wrong i completely agree. i never understood the point of bumpers because a) they go at the head end of the crib but baby is at the bottom and b) you are supposed to remove them when baby is big enough to kneal, stand, pull up etc which is surely when a baby is at more risk of banging its head.
IMO they are purely for decoration but i too understand my mothers concern. Mine came with a set someone bought us. I cant use the quilt either until its a year old so will be using this as a play mat instead, and i might turn the bumpers into pictures for the wall. but i must admit, it does look prey in the cot at the moment until the codbed is in use.
@mrsSonthebeach: Two nights ago I woke up to check on the baby. Not sure why I did but he had rolled over (he's only 5weeks so he hadn't yet) and he was pressed against the side of the bassinet. It freaked me out. So we have stopped using the bassinet. Having said that I get the whole bumper safety thing. So not worth it. The fabric on the bassinet seems breathable but I'm not risking it at all! As for your friend I agree with others that let her figure it out on her own. Not worth fighting with her or getting yourself worked up over her.
@vintage2010: I often worry about how my bassinet and most bassinets are fabric lined. If our little one starts to move like yours, we may end up putting the pack n play in our room until it's time to transition to the crib. I'm glad you woke up!
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