I’m upset and I need to vent. My best friend and I are both pregnant–I’m 38 weeks and she is 35. She got mad at me about 3 months ago when I told her bumpers aren’t safe, but then she asked me why and for some information, so I sent her links to pediatric websites and safety stuff about how bumpers aren’t safe. She told me something along the lines of, but they’re so cute. Then 2 months ago, we were together with our moms and she said something about bumpers and safety and her mom was all like, thats bologna, they’re safe. So anyway, I thought from this brief exchange that she had come to her senses about bumpers… And then today, she just posted photos on Facebook of her nursery… And there they are… Bumpers in the crib. I think safety should trump “cute.” And she KNOWS they aren’t safe.
I know how she will react if I say something. She already got pissed at me for telling her that her husband should go to her birthing classes with her. She is very stubborn. So I had to vent here. I makes me even more upset that I feel like I can’t say something, and God forbid… SIDS… I can’t even think about it. I would feel guilty for not saying something… Ugh.
In general, too, I’m constantly surprised by how little someone who wanted to get pregnant sooooo bad can research and prepare. When I saw her last, i had Braxton Hicks contractions and she had no idea what those were. Whenever something weird happens (like she has discharge or something), she calls me to check my books because I guess she never got any… Whatever, I’m just rambling now and being bitchy.
One thing I’ve learned is to just keep my mouth shut when it comes to others. A good friend of mine bought a drop-sided crib, has bumpers, and other things. I bite my tongue and just smile. Why? Because it’s not worth the argument. You mention it once, then let it go. That’s what I’ve done with people.
If my child was staying there at times, then I would be willing to argue my case. My mother in law seems to think that because DH grew up with bumpers, a drop-sided crib, and blankets that it’s fine to do. I’ve put my foot down with her and if things aren’t right when baby comes, then baby will not be staying with them.
What about giving her a book or two to read? You could also suggest calling her doctor, may get her to look up some things. I call my sister and text my best friends Mom (who works in l&d) when I have questions or concerns, but anything I’m really not certain of I would just call my doctor myself.
I understand! I tend to be on the paranoid side, and I can’t stand it when people are like “well, I did that and it was fine.” Well, I’m choosing not to and that will be fine. I know that you can’t prevent everything, but I’d rather not worry about something as stupid as crib bumpers/deli meat/wine/etc.
My girlfriend has bumpers that are equivalent to throw pillows on adult beds. She leaves them on for photos and for when guests are over but removes them when the baby is in the crib. Maybe she will come to her senses??
You are a good friend for worrying about her. It genuinely irritates me when people think people go overboard these days with protecting their unborn babies. I have a friend who is around 14 weeks and everytime it is something with her….
Example: “Well my sister had a 40 ounce soda a day with all of her kids so I think I will be fine”"Well my mom says she had deli turkey throughout her entire pregnancy with no negative side effects” “Well tylenol is ok during pregnancy so i take one almost every day”
There are enormous amounts of articles regarding these issues for a reason!!!! Maybe it happens to 1 out of 100 kids… but do you want to be that 1? Why risk it? Do you need soda and turkey THAT bad? Get over yourself.
stole your vent.
While most agencies discourage the use of bumpers, they aren’t illegal and using them or not is a personal choice for each parent to make themselves. I feel they fall into the personal preference category and when DH and I have a kiddo we may use them or not, depending on our child. Some kids are nice calm sleepers and never need them, others bump their heads or get their arms and legs stuck in the bars on a regular basis.
Furthermore, deaths directly related to bumpers have been due to suffocation or strangulation, not SIDS which still has no official cause. There is some conjecture about whether airflow/stale air plays a role in SIDS, but I learn towards the research that links SIDS to neurological defects, specifically low serotonin in the brain. When an infant is sleeping face down or has their face pressed against a bumper/fabric/pillow/something restricting their airflow, an infant with normal serotonin levels would turn their head. A baby with abnormal serotonin levels in the brain doesn’t respond to the lack of oxygen the same way.
Whether you choose to use bumpers or not, and I’m sure you’re just concerned about your friend, it isn’t really your place to parent her nor her child so I would probably stay out of it, especially since she’s made her choice clear.
A general pubmed search on SIDS.
In the end your friend is going to do what she wants. I had seen some pretty cute bumpers as well and ultimatly decided to go for ones that where mesh so if my baby DID end up against it, she could still breathe. I agree that safty is more important then cuteness, your kid isn’t gonna remember how cute her/his nursery is and if they die it won’t matter how cute it is. She’s pretty silly but she’s entitled to her own way of doing things, it’s not anything you need to continue to talk to her about since she isn’t going to listen.
If friends or family are doing something stupid or risky, I speak to them once, just to make sure they are aware of the risks.
After that, they (and their children) are on ther own.
I would just let it go, unfortunately it’s not your place to do anything more then you’ve already done. Like a PP said, maybe she put the bumpers in for the photo or got them as a gift so they are in to decorate until baby comes?
In the end, as crappy as it is to stand by, it’s ultimately her choice how to raise her baby and around what dangers. Bumpers aren’t illegal, so some people will still buy and use them.
You’ll strain your friendship if you let yourself get too invested in the choices she makes about her baby, because I’m sure there will be plenty more things you disagree on.
That has to be a frustrating situation. I have two FB friends who are the most wonderful and amazing moms. They both have multiple kids and make most of their families’ food from scratch (one even made all of her last child’s baby food) so that their children will be as healthy as possible, and, yet, FB pictures of their nurseries show not only bumpers but all kinds of stuffed toys in the cribs. I am hoping that the bumpers and toys are removed when the babies are in the cribs, but I have never felt comfortable asking them about it.
Ugh I can relate. I have a pregnant friend that is driving me bonkers too. Its for different reasons, but it’s very similar. I bet they will be annoying too when their babies are here. Venting is ok!
@Brielle: I tend to give people the benefit of the doubt on stuffed animals, because those can easily be removed and have a purpose other than crib decoration… but bumpers… sure they can be removed, but $80 is a lot to spend on something you’re keeping on the crib until the baby is born and then removing and I can’t imagine removing and reinstalling them daily.
Thanks for the feedback, everyone. I definitely don’t plan to say something again (unless it somehow comes up in a way not initiated by me). I know there’s no way I can change her mind. DH wants to send her links to articles again and stuff, but that’ll just piss her off. She’ll blame me and won’t talk to me for a few months and she won’t stop using them. In fact, she’s the type to insist even more on using them out of spite.
As for SIDS, I understand that the bumpers are not the direct cause of any SIDS deaths but rather a contributing cause, a trigger that results in a situation in which SIDS can manifest. Since there are absolutely no actual safety benefits (only perceived benefits) to bumpers and you actively have to put them in the crib, the risk is not just neglegence. You have to, as a parent, choose to do something you know endangers your child. It’s like unbuckling a seatbelt.
Just a thought… my girlfriend bought a bedding set that came with bumpers. The bumpers were put in for the nursery picture then taken out prior to the baby using the crib. Maybe she’ll do something similar.
@MyFavouriteChords: Her set did not come with the bumpers. She registered for them separately, and it was when I saw them on her registry that I told her about the recommendation that crib bumpers not be used. I had just read a lot about it a few days before and been told in child birth classes about the risk.
She did not get them at her shower as a gift, but she may have gotten them some other time since I last saw her in late November. I suspect that she purchased them. They are $80. If you don’t intend to use something like that and got them as a gift, why would you not return them? She returns gifts with no problem. She is not the type to feel compelled to keep something and display is just because it’s a gift. I would like to think they are there for the photos, but I highly doubt it.
I’m going to keep hoping that once she has a pediatrician, that doctor will give her a talk about safety and mention bumpers. Maybe that will make the difference and she’ll take them out.
Ahhh….. my SIL registered for bumpers and I even told my MIL why they’re bad. I know she told SIL! It kills me! I’ve heard of some people having them up for the cute factor until the baby is ready to sleep in the crib. But yeah, there’s so many things! I studied early child development, so I have a ton of knowledge on SIDS risks and SIDS reductions, yet no one asks me, and friends who are parents never listened to me because I haven’t had my baby yet. And then there’s the other early child development knowledge that I have. It stinks to have to be quiet, but when people don’t listen anyways, what can you do?