(Closed) venting and accepting advice…

posted 5 years ago in Family
Post # 3
4794 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: January 2019

If she’s paying, she does get a say. Not the whole thing, certainly, but a say. Can’t you find a compromise with her somewhere? No +1s for anyone under 18, some traditions but not others, etc. 

Post # 4
3790 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: September 2018

@mepayne:  I agree with this.  She gets a say if she’s paying, the key is compromise.

Post # 6
1019 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: May 2013

See… I kinda disagree with PPs here.. yes she is paying, but that doesn’t mean she gets to become a dictator. I would say thanks but no thanks, not accept the money, and then do the smaller wedding YOU want (if you can afford it on your own) and if not, the I would say wait until you can.

Things get so tricky/messy when finances are involved from other people…

Post # 8
365 posts
Helper bee

I know this advice doesn’t work for everyone, and that it’s prob not as simple as I’m making it sound… but if this was happening in my life, and my wedding was turning out to be the opposite of what I wanted, I would tell her I don’t want her contributions and do whatever it takes to make it happen on my own. Especially if your wishes lean further towards simplicity and non-extravagance… you might end up with an even lower budget than you intended, but your wedding shouldn’t be her excuse to get everything she wants. If I were in your shoes, I’d rather do a courthouse wedding and a cocktail hour than get into the huge ordeal she’s trying to throw.

Post # 9
3790 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: September 2018

@Taylor25:  You’re right you shouldn’t be doing all the compromising.  The best you can do is try to put your foot down, but it sounds like she might just hit you with the “but I’m paying” excuse.  As @mayflowerbride13:  said the best way to stop the dictatorship is to say no to the money. I kind of made my first comment on the grounds of you accepting and agreeing to the contribution.

I’m sorry you’re having such a rough time.

Post # 10
1638 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: September 2011

@Taylor25:  I’ve never accepted the “if mommy dearest pays she has say in the wedding”. Money is a gift; not a negotiationg tool.

I would have a serious talk with your mother. Tell her you love her dearly, but she is turning YOUR wedding into something you don’t want, therefore you and Fiance have decided not to take her money and to go ahead and have the small wedding you want.

Expect tears and emotional blackmail, but stand your ground.

Post # 11
189 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: November 1999

Sympathy from me. Parents can be tough about weddings, I’ve already had to put my foot down a few times and make compromises on other things with my mother and I am barely beginning to start planning. I always feel if you can reach some sort of compromise or agreement then that is the best option, however I disagree with the idea that because your parents are paying they get to have more of a say then they would normally. If they are paying then it is a gift. You don’t give someone a gift of money at a birthday or Christmas and then proceed to tell them how to spend it (especially if your suggestions go completely against what the person actually wants).

Try small things at first. For example Children/those under a certain age not getting a plus one; but emphasise the point you still want the adults or those with known partners to be allowed to bring a guest. If she is still being unyielding, and there is no chance her dropping the bigger issues it may be better to simply decline her offer to pay and have the small wedding you originally wanted.

You may want to sit down with her and explain how unhappy this is making you. She probably doesn’t even realise how upsetting this actually is for you, she’ll probably feel guilty and back off a little if you are honest about how much this fills your with dread etc.

Good luck! Please keep us updated.

Post # 12
2781 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: October 2013

@Taylor25:  I really don’t understand what the problem is, you copmplain about her doing things that are over-budget, yet she’s paying so if she wants to go over budget then that is her decision. You complain about how many guests, yet you already agreed to have a big traditional wedding when what you want is 25 people in some exotic location. 

You agreed to have the bigger wedding to make your parents happy, so why do you even care who they want to invite and how expensive the food they want is, if you were paying for it I would understand, but you aren’t they are, so what is the big deal? 

If you really don’t want the big traditional wedding, then you should have never agreed to it. decline their offer to pay for it and do it how you want, but you pay.

Post # 13
5663 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: August 2012

Yeah I don’t think because someone is paying that its THEIR event. Remind her this is your wedding not hers and this is not what you want. yes she gets to have opinions and have a say, but ultimately all these things are your decision and you should put your foot down with her. People do not need plus ones, no one needs strangers at their wedding. And there’s no way I  can think of that you could have that kind of wedding for 10k. Maybe you need to sit down with her, Lay down the law and give her a cost reality check. 

Post # 15
663 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: June 2017 - Vegas Wedings

@Taylor25:  Have you told her this, what she is currently planning, isnt what you want at all? The thing about compromise is that there needs to be communication. I bet she has no clue that the various things she is doing is pushing you to your breaking point.

Post # 16
2961 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: May 2014

It it was me, I would tell Mom that I can’t stand the wedding she is planning, and if she doesn’t knock it off that I am going to elope with my beloved and she can have her big “traditional” reception when I get back.

But I am ornery that way!

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