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It sounds like there may not be much you can do. It's great that you and your FI are on the same page though. The only thing I could think of would be for BOTH of you to sit down with her and tell her that her attitude towards your marriage is inappropriate and that neither of you will tolerate being treated like that. Make sure you show a united front and do it together if you're going to do it. Beyond that... if she wants to be crazy, she'll just keep on doing it, so don't expect much.
There's always a possibility that if you do have kids, she may come around then despite what she's saying now (though whether you'd want her in their lives at that point is a different story).
I am so sorry. I don't really have any advice. Hopefully, they will come around. All you can do is continue to be nice to them. Remember their birthdays and holidays and send them a card and/or small gift to let them know you are thinkng of them. You could try to write a letter from your heart; maybe it would open the door and their hearts.
That is awesome that you and your FI are doing premarriage counseling. Would it be possible for your counseler to mediate a conversation between the four of you?
rosepinkslipper - Unfortunately, that's not an option. His parents refuse to even look at me! And, they've dis-credited our pre-marriage counselor because she didn't side with them. We're actually seeing two - a fully licensed marriage counselor, and a minister, and neither can understand where they're coming from, other than that they're loving parents 'losing' their first son to another woman.
It's hard to not listen to this to some of the mean things they say. They're obviously passionate about what they feel. I just don't understand how we can have such different views on the situation?? Sometimes I start to feel like maybe there's a chance they're right. Then I go back to their other passionate statement - that I shouldn't have kids, ever, because the problems in my family (drugs, alcoholism, etc.,) will be passed through my blood. Apparently I'm only going to produce mutant babies! That always brings me back to reality. I don't care what type of science you can put behind a statement like that, it's just not something you think or say to someone... it's cruel!
I am sorry this is happening to you *Hugs* but on the other hand if its not making things between you and your FI tense/fight!...then I say let it be as long as you two are happy no one else should matter you hold the key to your own happiness no one else if they want to patch things up and stop with the drama let them come to you. Do not make an effort if you did not do anything wrong!.
oh how sad..
you can just hope that they come around. do you even know if there's any real reason behind it? or is it just that they don't want him to be with anyone..
sometimes people change.
other times they don't. i have a friend who was disowned from her parents (the grandparents and everyone else was for the couple..just not the parents).
i wish you well. glad you two are strong. if it were me, i would leave cuz my mom has told me that you marry a family not just the guy.
Im so sorry this is happening to you. Im glad your FH is supporting you and that your united as a team. Its just sucks that they have this view.
Their anger will only eat at them and become more miserable than what they are already are! (going by what it sounds like!)
Thanks for the support everyone :)
My FI's grandparents (the mom's parents) have told us that they feel they would have reacted like this to anyone, that it's not specific to me. I can be shy/awkward when I'm around people I don't know or that I'm not comfortable with, so that contributed to the problem, but I realize that I'm not at all the source. My FI has always been the "prized" child of the family, and they are just having a really hard time with him growing up. I think his mom was used to being the main woman in his life, and that she's devastated by anyone else being in the picture. His dad and sister just kind of follow along, and since they all live in the same house and don't really talk to me, they're only seeing one side of the picture.
His grandparents seem to think that they'll come around in time for the wedding. They said that they've seen this type of behavior in them before, and that they've grown out of it over time in the past. It's just frustrating that we have such a limited amount of time -- 5 months until a wedding that will never happen again. It's really getting to my FI... It's so important to him that they be there, I just wish there were something we could do.
I am getting married for the second time. My first husband's mother was a mean nasty B@!%H, and any time that he and argued which was a lot, it was always my fault. We were together for 15years and high school sweethearts. It was all well and good until I grew up and became my own person. She was not happy that I actually asserted myself and had my own thoughts. It was a big problem. I knew she hated me. It is a jealousy issues and insecurity on their part. Good luck. When we got divorced he and I had to go to court. It was 5 days of hell. She was there everyday making nasty, snide comments and being really obnoxious. It was aweful. I really hope you and your FI can work through it and be strong.
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I'm not exaggerating. They really hate me. My FI's sister lives with her parents, and the three of them would be happy if I disappeared from their lives forever. They think that I stole their son away from the family, and they've told us that we shouldn't be getting married - that we're just going to get divorced anyway. The first thing they did when we got engaged was find out whether there was any way to protect his pension. It's funny - I make just as much as he does, and am in less debt than him, so I'm certainly not marrying him for his money! They have gone so far as to stop inviting me to holidays (they still invite him, even though we live together.) They don't even acknowledge me, they've said that they're not coming to the wedding, and my FMIL has let us know that she's not interested in ever meeting her future grandchildren. It's a really nasty situation.
We've already been to pre-marriage counseling, we've sought the advice of tons of friends, and we've overall been able to work through it on our own. My FI's grandparents (mom's parents) and uncle (mom's uncle) have no issues with us or our relationship, and when it comes to holidays, etc., they "side" with us. We're going really strong and in the end it doesn't really matter as we'll be starting our own family soon enough, but I wish that there were something that I could do to patch things up with his parents and sister.
I know that this can be common of a FMIL, and in this case, she's very controlling of her husband so it makes sense that he's tagging along. His sister lives with them and they're very attached, so I guess it's easy to get caught up in the drama.
Does anyone have any suggestions? I've thought about showing up at their house to try to talk through it, or writing them a letter. I'm just not sure what, if anything, would help at this point.