Post # 1
I really don’t want to seem like a mopey whiner, but I’ve gotta get this off my chest in a place where my mom isn’t likely to see it.
I got engaged on Thanksgiving of last year, which was a really exciting time for me. My parents both seemed really happy and excited at first. My mom patted my FH on the back and said, “Welcome to the family, son!”
But now it feels like my mom just doesn’t care about the wedding at all. I want her input as I plan my wedding–if I have a question, I want her advice. If if need backup on a wedding dress style, I want her opinion. I don’t think I am expecting too much of my mom here.
Instead, every time I ask her a wedding-related question, she blows me off, saying “We’ll talk about it later.” Later never really comes, because she says she’ll call me to talk and never does. I think it’s even more depressing because my FMIL has been more supportive and involved in the wedding planning than my own mother.
She thinks I am rushing through wedding planning, which is frustrating. My wedding is in September. I really, REALLY need to get started. “Later” really doesn’t work for me. 🙁
I just needed to vent and get it off my shoulders. I just really wish that my mom cared about my wedding. 🙁
Post # 3
I’m sorry. Have you spoken with your mom to let her know how this is making you feel?
I know my mom loves me and has been awesome during the wedding planning, but she has said a few things that have hurt my feelings. Like saying she’s just going to get her hair done by her own girl and not get ready with me. Once I told her that it hurts my feelings that she wouldn’t want to get ready with my on my wedding day, she said she was sorry and didn’t think of it that way.
Sometimes people need to hear it when you are hurt instead of just assuming they know.
Post # 4
@Artificial-Sweetener: My mother tends to be the “brutally honest” type. I worry that if I were to confront her, she’d tell me I’m being a whiny bridezilla or something (which I am NOT going for here!!!).
We’re going to our first dress shopping appointment on Saturday. I’m hoping that it does the trick to get her excited about the wedding. Because right now I just feel like I am completely on my own.
Post # 5
@soupydoopy: Maybe in your mom’s mind, your wedding is still far away. I think brides had shorter engagements “back in the day.” My mom said to me yesterday, “You’re 5 months out now… I planned my whole wedding in 5 months!” Think about how much simpler things were then, etc.
But if the timing thing is not really the issue, maybe she’s just caught up in other things or doesn’t want to think about how things will change once you’re married, etc.
I hope your dress appointment goes great! I had a bonding moment with my mom when she went shopping with me… the whole tearing up when I put on a veil, etc. “It’s hitting me now that you’re getting married!” I hope your mom has a similar feeling and will realize she will want to be close to you during this time. Let us know how it goes!
Post # 6
@soupydoopy: Try taking your mom out for lunch, unrelated to any actual wedding-related activities, and straight up ask her what’s going on. Maybe approach it like “Hey Ma, I noticed we haven’t really had a chance to discuss xxx, so I was wondering if there was something going on? It hurts my feelings when you seem to blow me off about this. I understand you’re busy, and I just wanted to see if there was anything I could help with.”
If your mom is brutally honest, I’m sure you’ll know well enough to mentally prepare yourself for anything she might say, from bad news to insulting the groom. Just stay strong and let us know how it turns out!
Post # 7
She might just not be that into weddings. I’m not – I don’t get that excited about it. :/
Actually, come to think of it my mom doesn’t really either. She jsut gets emotional about it (I guess more now since it’s a month away – five months ago she wasn’t getting emotional about it)
I am sure the dress appointment will help. If it doesn’t, then I’d re-think having your mom super involved if it hurts your feelings this much. 🙁
Post # 8
My Mom also never got into planning–Apparently my grandma basically planned her wedding, and she didn’t want to do that to me!
So she stayed out of it, except for wanting me to try on a mermaid dress. And then she didn’t push it! She was like “You look so gorgeous/skinny/amazing! Do you like it? No? Okay! TThen keep trying on whatever dresses you like!”
Post # 9
I’m a MOB and I find a lot of my peers truly have no idea how long it takes to plan a wedding now! Things are much different than when we got married. I know we have gotten some of our vendors for our DDs’ weddings more than a year in advance and people thought we were nuts. Well, when you are sitting there a year in advance and that vendor only has 6 more open dates for the year you are getting married you better get busy!
Is she usually distant like this? Any chance she is having “letting go” issues?
Post # 10
I feel your pain. I was engaged the weekend after Thanksgiving last year and while everyone was excited the day that we told them, nothing has really come of it since. We aren’t planning a wedding for a long time (FI isn’t really budging but I’m hoping he comes around for a 2015 wedding) and obviously no one is going to stop their life and be as excited about your wedding as you are, but I’m a little disappointed.
FI isn’t extremely interested in planning, and we have to pay for it ourselves. We both have good jobs and obviously have some time if its a 2016 wedding so I’ve already started saving but he really does not want to spend much money at all on it and he thinks weddings are ridiculous (yet he asked me to marry him). I am an only child, and my mother is a planning extraordinaire…so I’m more than a little confused/hurt at her lack of expressing any interest to me. My dad is amazingly supportive, but really isn’t into wedding planning. The only thing my mom has expressed is that we should have a destination wedding (she loves going on vacations, but destination would be hard to accomodate for FI’s immediate family). I did talk her into going to a bridal show in a few months, she seemed excited when I suggested it (actually told me to go ahead and get us tickets) and then after I bought the tickets, she suddenly started acting like she doesn’t want to go to this one. So I’m not sure if she will even be going with me (I don’t want bridesmaids so I feel weird asking any friends to go with me in her absence, and FI would probably be no fun as he would be there against his will).
I’m hoping if my mother goes to the bridal show maybe it will be an ice breaker for us and maybe she will bloom into planning mode, but honestly I’m feeling defeated that I am literally the only person who is concerned about having a wedding.
I hope things turn around for you and that you find ways to create some excitement for yourself (that’s what I’m going to try to do). Please let me know if you figure out a magic method for brewing excitement (hmm brew, maybe we need to make everyone start drinking and throw ourselves a planning party!).
Post # 11
I am in your situation, including the part about my mother being brutally honest. What complicates it is that she lives on the other side of the country. We actually had a huge argument today and I spent most of the day in tears which is so not me. She tells me she wants to be involved and then when I try to involve her she is unresponsive/doesn’t care, and then extremely rude and defensive when I call her on it. At this point I’m about ready to not talk to her at all and see if she shows up to my wedding in 6 months. My sister/MOH also thinks she is being ridiculous and is going to try to talk some sense into her. Do you have a level-headed, somewhat unbiased person who could try to bridge the gap like that? Not sure it will work in my situation or yours but just throwing this idea out there. Good luck
Post # 12
I’m sorry to hear your having this experience. i feel the exact same way with my mom. She hasnt helped at all and any time I ask her she says I don’t need to worry this earlier. Like earlier this week I went by myself to meet a couple flowers. They all told me I need to choose by Feb on the florists for my Oct wedding (in AZ wedding season is march-April & oct-nov) because once march hits they will be busy with the spring weddings and will most likely be booked for oct. I told my mom all of this and she was like well come up here( she lives 2 hrs north of me) in may- June and it might be cheaper where she lives. I was like did you not just hear me that I need to choose someone by feb lol sorry I just vented on your vent.
but honestly I have had to change my expectations…. Which is hard because I walkways thought my wedding would be a special thing to plan together. I’ve accepted that she is doing the best she can with wht she has at the moment. That she has shown me she is not going to show up for me ( we have had some big issues) and at this point expecting her to show up is setting myself up to be hurt. The support and help i want needs to be found else where and it sounds like you are getting that through your mil which is good. Good luck