Venting to a mutual friend?

posted 3 years ago in Relationships
Post # 3
Member
2052 posts
Buzzing bee

@MrsNotSoSure:  I’ve been cheated on before the relationship that I’m in now  and I know that this can be hard.  UGH UGH UGH.  My SO is friends with many women, one who even introduced us, and I do get VERY worried about the possibility of him talking about our problems with her.  Why?  Because he said that he would complain about his ex GF to her when they were together, and she was very passionate about the two of them being wrong for each other.  (haha I agree with her there!)

 

But……even though it’s been 3 years since SO and I have been dating and we are talking about marriage, I still get concerned when they hang out after a fight that he will confide in here and she might tell him to leave our relationship and maybe her pull is strong enough that it will break us apart.

 

I’ve been to therapy too and I’ve been working on this and I’ve had to realize that if she is able to say something that will break us apart, our relationship wasn’t that strong anyway.  So far, we are good.

 

I have another friend, who is married, who went through this as well on a different level.  Her husband would complain about his wife to her when he needed to vent—and she would tell him to leave his wife!  This woman he was venting to was married, so it wasn’t like she was saying that so they could be together, but still, it’s a breach of trust.

 

They had to realize that when you are complaining to someone of the opposite sex about relationship problems, you are making yourself and your relationship vulnerable.  I would let your FI know that.  You could say ‘I am okay with you two hanging out, but I’m worried that you will be complaining about our relationship and making our lives more complicated than it needs to be’.

 

Good luck, and I’m sorry to hear about everything you are going through.

 

Post # 5
Member
2052 posts
Buzzing bee

@MrsNotSoSure:  I think I know the post you are talking about-Is it the one where the wife was sick and the husband was cheating and couldn’t leave because she was sick so she was the other woman for that reason?

Sometimes you have to take what you read with a grain of salt-because YES it will get in your head and fan the fire to your fears.  I try and take from this site the good and leave out the bad….It’s hard to do sometimes. 

It’s good that you are not worried about him venting and it’s good that he knows better than to bash you.  I get the insecurity though, I’m in that situation myself and after complaining, crying, trying to put my foot down about him hanging out with the woman who introduced us, I’ve had to realize that he is going to hang out with her if I’m with him or not, at one point they were BFFs and it was KILLING me to deal with it but somehow we made it through.

Do you have any guys that are friends?  I am not saying start hanging out with random guys.  But I am going to suggest that you live your own life a little more.  I realized that I have guys who are friends too, my SO trusts me with them, and I’ve been guilty of venting to them about my relationship too.  I’ve had to reel it in with one male friend, because he took my venting too seriously and made his stance that we should break up very clear-and, well, I just don’t have time for anyone not on the side of the relationship in my life.

If this woman is just really listening, and she has your back, you can at least take solace in the fact that 1)  She is not going to push him away from you and 2) at least your FI is telling you that he was with her and talked to her and didn’t try and hide it.  Which I would think both would cause issues in your relationship if it wasn’t. 

Anyway, I feel like some bees are slow posting today so I’ll stop posting so much so you can see what other perspectives are lol.  Good Luck!

Post # 7
Member
7654 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: July 2012

@MrsNotSoSure:  Could he maybe have aksed her becuase he needed a woman’s perspective on the situation? Men can’t really talk to their guy friends about this, so maybe that is why he asked her.

Post # 9
Member
1634 posts
Bumble bee

@MrsNotSoSure:  I can completely understand your frustration, I would be annoyed about that too. But when you think about it, guys (well most guys) dont really talk things through together. They dont have the same conversations that women do, so if a man needs to really discuss something they’ll likely talk to a female. Also, she may have been able to give him more of a “here’s probably where MrsNotSoSure was coming from”. I think its great that he wanted to talk it out and sort himself out before coming to you to discuss it. If its someone you trust, than I think thats OK. It might be a really good thing that he has someone unbiased to talk to that can actaully give him helpful advice!

Post # 11
Member
1634 posts
Bumble bee

@MrsNotSoSure:  FI is the same, he’s a mans-man, but ocassionally he needs to really talk something through and none of his guy friends are interested. He’d just get a “rub some dirt in it” response lol. So for him to have a female friend that he can go to, who you trust to not sabatoge your relationship is a rare find! Because of your past (and some of the stories on here) it might be hard to fully trust the bond between them, but you have to have faith in your relationship. If he didnt care much, he wouldnt have to talk it out… he’s totally invested in you, so I wouldnt be worried!

Post # 13
Member
1634 posts
Bumble bee

@MrsNotSoSure:  Gotta love the bee!! Unbiased opinions make a world of difference sometimes! 😀

Post # 14
Member
11668 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: November 1999

@MrsNotSoSure:  Do you know for a fact he was talking about your issues with her?  If not, then I wouldn’t jump to any conclusions.  Most men don’t tend to talk about those types of things with others.

If he was, then I’d calmly explain how it made you feel and would prefer if you guys kept your relationship issues private.  

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