- 6 years ago
Okay…so I already typed this all and seriously my page refreshed and it alll disappeared. So I’m going to shorten it.
My FI and I met through his older brother, we have maintained a long distance relationship since we met and have occasionally seen each other over the past few years. I know this is undaviseable, but it was hard since he went to school in NYC and I was in school in NC. He did spend 3 weeks down here prior to our official engagement and we spent a lot of time together. But due to religious and cultural reasons we don’t really get to see each other without chaparones (We are Muslim and perfectly content with our situation, we video chat alone, talk on the phone/IM/email constantly he is my perfect match). I know this situation is different for most other people but it works for us.
Anyways, FI’s older brother initially met me at the end of my freshman year in college and was a complete flirt even after he got engaged about 6-8 months after we met. I drew the line, initially I thought he was interested and asked him and he denied it and told me he was with someone else. I dropped it and moved on with my life only to discover that his best friend started to contact me more and more. Turns out that his best friend was interested in someone else and would consider pursuing me in the “future”. I’m not sloppy seconds, I was never involved with any guys therefore wasn’t going to wait around for another guy to make up his mind about someone else. Fast forward to 4 months before FBIL’s wedding, he sends me a message while visitng family in NYC stating that we had to talk (this is a few weeks after best friend said what he said). When he gets back tells me his brother is interested and wanted to talk. I couldn’t imagine why he would be interested since we had never met and were only FB friends… I said he could IM me if he wanted. One month later I get a message and we hit it off immediately We met a few days later as his family was down in NC for Christmas and it just built up from there on out. Over spring break was FBIL’s wedding and so FI and I got to talk and hang out a little at the wedding, but nonetheless he was usually within a 6ft radius of me and constantly talking to the point his dad called him out on flirting =D. We had a pretty good relationship after that, he would call me about 6-7 times daily and at one point we had a 8 hour convo straight. I went up for his brother’s reception in NYC (cultural thing) and I met him at his school in Manhattan and he took me out for cupcakes, held all the doors, walked on the side of the street, I mean total gentleman. I knew he liked me and at that point I felt that I liked him too. Over the summer he wanted to get his ESL teaching certificate and would call me every morning at 7 am to talk to me and he started calling me “baby” etc. Basically–I KNEW he liked me but he didn’t admit it yet and i wasn’t going to be the first to admit it haha.
Finally we get around to admitting it to each other, cleared that we wanted to get married and that we were exclusive. Well around that time, his SIL re-took an organic chemistry class (even though she had already graduated, she needed a better grade to get into another class). I was taking it at the same time and we decided to “work together” i.e. me help her with homework and help solve problems. After the class was over, she never contacted me again. Never said thank you, never asked how I was doing, w/e I was used to it because I was always the “smart, helpful girl that never asked for anything in return.” Fine… cool.. then I come to find out she’s pregnant but they didn’t want anyone to find out, I wasn’t supposed ot know. So I stayed quiet. While renting camera equipment one day, I find out from the rental company that they are pregnant and if I was excited for them because I would know right? Nope..they told the whole world, even mutual friends that they were pregnant but even though I saw them multiple times, I wasn’t told. So I left it at that and never said anythign to them till a few days later, FBIL IMs me and starts talking telling me he’s going to be a dad. So I immediatly email her with a congrats and my well wishes, because I really did wish them the best.
I started to feel a difference early on how she treated me, it was always like I was stupid or lower than her. Then I come to find out that she had been arguing with the family calling me fake because I help a lot of people with random stuff (I have a problem saying no) and telling them that it would never work out between the FI and I because we were from different cultures. FI took care of these things and hid them from me till I started to see them. The hate in her eyes was apparent at her baby shower, that her sisters planned and invited me. I developed severe anxiety, including hyperventilation, stomach cramps, shaking, hives, etc. if I had to see her. I didn’t want ot step on her toes and I told my FI this. He told me I was overreacting and it would all go away. More and more come out about her opposing our eventual union and I start to feel judged and nervous and I decided I would completely cut relations off with them, even if we ran in the same social circle. Fast forward to the baby’s birth, I thought it would be rude if we didn’t congratulate them and my mom wanted to meet FMIL so that they could establish some working ground for the future nuptials. We went over my mom and I, I saw FI but again, it was my mom talkig I was silent, sotmach paints, fast heart rate, freaking out. Mom was really nice to FSIL and congratulated her, etc. So fast foward a month later, they have a party for the baby and my parents are supposed to be invited to this so our fathers meet and we start getting situated.
Invitation comes in, only in my name, with no additional guest mentioned or invited. Mom was mad, because one, if this is where my parents were involved or invited, they should have been on the invite rather than me. I didn’t get an email stating they were invited or anything and FI was suspicious that invites would get screwed with and surprise he was in town and not allowed the opportunity to see me as well (they made sure to keep him busy with her family). So luckily we were already invited to something at the same time/date so I called his mom apologized nicely said that we were already invited months before as a family to a different event and we would not be attending–since the invite to my family was coming from his parents. I tell FI that we were not coming, he asked if it was bad I told him yes, I ended up losing it because I had bottled up all the crap that I had dealt with from his SIL and went off and told him never to speak to me again. The next day I skipped classes and stayed at a friends house crying my eyes out–it had hit me what I had done but I wasn’t going back. He was still in NC and at his brothers house so there was no way we could talk to make things better. He had apparently fought with his brother and his brother and SIL got in trouble from his parents, because they were paying fo rht eparty and they chose to mess with the invites.
Fast forward another year after I graduate and his family is supposed to be coming over to officially ask for my hand, his brother and FSIL chose to have their son’s 1st birthday a month before his actual birthday on the day before the official asking. At this point my dad had already said yes, but it was a formal event and was a way for everyone to be on the same page– just custom. Well… I wasn’t nor was my family invited to this event because we weren’t considered “family” yet as accoriding to FBIL and FSIL. I found out from other friends, again mutual social ciricle, that they were doing this and thought I would be invited because I was “friends” with them. I never spoke that there were problems between us because I don’t believe in spreading personal family drama. So I tried to stay calm, but I had had enough, it seems like everytime there is an important step she tries to do something to mess with it. I never stepped on her toes and I flew off the handle and called my fiance who was abroad teaching English for a year woke him up in the middle of the night and asked him if he knew anything about this party and he of course, didn’t. So he calls his family and gets into it. Next thing you know, I get an email from his brother to me and the FI. It goes into his wife’s problem with me that I hit on him and I pursued him (which is not true) only to move on to his BF and then use my FI as a rebound guy so her concern was only for the FI as a good sister. And then tears into FI and is a full 3 pages of all his faults and how we probably cuss at each other when we fight, etc. I was horrified, my FI just sent it to his dad and was like, you said not to add fuel to the fire, we didn’t, he did. And he stood by my side. Then my in laws come over a few days later and all goes OK, I thought we were getting to a better place.
Prior to our engagement party the FI came down for 3 weeks and the plan was to hang out a lot because we missed each other and wanted to spend time before the wedding. His brother and SIL would not bring him over, always claiming to be busy and he didn’t have enough money to rent a car, just coming back from being abroad. My parents or my brothers or me would drive out every day to go get him and take him home, and granted he was really embarassed, but no help. Come to our engagement and she was huffing and puffing the entire time, never said two words to me and I even hugged her and thanked her for all her help, which was NOTHING other than picking up the cake that my FFIL insisted we have. I at this point had developed severe anxiety issues, severe acid reflux, migraines and angiodema (which is like hives but it looks scarier). The engagement my FMIL introduced my FSIL as her “princess, first DIL etc.” and then looked embarassed and goes about me and says, “oh this is my baby.” This was after I introduced them with a smile to my family as my ILs. Then they sat in a little corner as my FI’s nephew stomped food into the carpet and they just stared at him while my sister was on her hands and knees in an evening gown picking it up. When they took a pic together as a family FMIL forgot to call me up until someone told her, since you know, I was the bride.
It depressed FI and I, he saw how his family treated me and apologized profusely because he knew I wasn’t exaggerating and that it was the truth. I didn’t say two words about it, but he started to get disgusted by his brother’s and SIL’s behavior. His mom was in town for 2 weeks and didin’t even think to pick up th ephone to let me know she was here, so I found out and I took it into my own hands to try to take her out ot the mall. But, no she was too busy with the FBIL and FSIL. FFIL found out and got really upset that I was not called and laid into people–I was tired of all the games so I called FSIL and asked for a meet up and was clear about why I wanted to meet. When we met, I said I didn’t like the tensions between us, that we were family and that we would be the only people protecting our in laws and as a mother she must understand that we don’t want ot break two brothers apart, blah blah. I finished, she siad, no offense I don’t have any issues with you, those were in the past , years ago. THEN WTH IS THE EMAIL ABOUT THAT YOU SENT LIKE 3 MONHTS AGO!?
Then this is all while we are trying to set a date, my mom proposed a date, only to come to find out that his brother and FSIL have blocked off the whole summer bc his brother is a photographer. We were both suspicous that they could not be booke dthe ENTIRE summer, seeing that they take a limited number of clients a year. come to find out they didn’t actually have clients, or deposits, or anything because AFTER we set our date and were given a weekend suitable for US (FI’s doing master’s) they start opening up weekends and asking us to move the date. For no reason. His family has not been straightforward a lot of times and so my dad is the one now taking care of arrangements because it’s stressing me out.
I’m tired of calling FMIL and not getting a response, and trying to include her. FI’s getting annoyed because I keep panicking about all this and marrying into his family. I don’t know what to do, it’s depressing me that they are literally less than 3 months before the wedding. I’m scared of the future and what will happen. He tells me his dad has gotten fed up from them (since we found out also recently that she was posting crap on twitter). I’m just tired… I am NOT a passive aggressive person, I don’t know how to deal with them and Idon’t know what to do.