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I am supposed to be getting married in ten weeks. That's not a very long time period. I guess I am having doubts about getting married. It's not that I think it's not the right guy, it's that I think it is not the right time. We got engaged in June (of 2011) because he joined the Navy and we decided since we were planning on getting married eventually, we might as well get married soon enough for me to go along with him to his Navy school after bootcamp. Here is why I am questioning getting married now and wondering if it would be better in a year or a few years:
1. Our budget is less than $1,000, including my dress, which is half of that. Not going to be the wedding I wanted at all.
2. My dress is beautiful, but just an A-line gown, not a ballgown that I have always been dreaming about, because those were too expensive.
3. We have to have the ceremony in a small room in my church that has couches and only 30 people can come to that because of its size. I made a committment to get married at my church with my pastor and he is doing all of it for free. Booking the actual sanctuary was almost $500, out of the question.
4. Because the ceremony is so small, we aren't even having a rehearsal. This scares me. I don't want to mess up.
5. The reception is going to have more people, but our family is basically catering it and I don't want them to have to work so hard the day of our wedding. It's mostly our moms, and it's their day too, I feel. But they both really want to have a meal at the reception.
6. Compared to other bee's rings, my ring is a joke. I am embarrassed to post it. It's not even intended to be an engagement ring. It's only sterling silver so it's scratched and probably won't last as long as would white gold. I'm afraid it wont look right with a wedding band either.
7. I am having health problems. I just had surgery two days ago. I am afraid I won't be healthy for the Big Day.
8. I'm only 19. I will have to change my college to be moving around all the time with him. Also I don't want to regret my marriage and wish I had waited and lived my life a bit longer.
9. Everything just feels rushed. I wanted a good year to plan everything out. I am so stressed out with everything right now.
I want to get married now because I want to go with him, and I love him, and I'm ready to be married to him and live with him. I don't mean to whine or complain, I'm just so stressed out and disappointed with everything and I don't want to make a mistake.
I have talked to my bridesmaids and mom and even my fiance about this, but basically they all said I just need to buck up and be more positive.
Sorry this is so long. If you read all this, thank you.
Granted, this is not the wedding of your dreams.... but it sounds like you want to marry this guy! My advice: is it worth putting off a wedding to have the wedding you want... if it means you will be apart from him when he goes away? From what I hear from so many brides, the day goes by so fast.... you hardly remember most of it anyway! In the end, big fancy or tiny small, a wedding is a ceremony resulting in you being together.
Is it worth going through with the small wedding just to be together now? Only you can answer that. For some girls, their wedding day is more important than others. I am not having the wedding of my dreams but we are making the best of it... you can still have a beautiful wedding for 1k ! As for everything else, yes that IS overwhelming. :( I'm sorry things are so hard for you guys right now.
@SimplyChic11: I appreciate your response. Most of the time, I do feel it is worth it to be with him now. But other times, I just have doubts.
I think you have to weigh the 2 options and figure out which you want more: 1) to be with him or 2) the wedding of your dreams. You can have a small, intimate ceremony now and a larger vow renewal later. Also, there are many military benefits that you can only take advantage of as a spouse. You could still go with him to Navy school and get married after that if you decide a large wedding is more important. And a ring can always be upgraded. Get a nice wedding band!
My ending thoughts are this: A large wedding really isn't a necessity in order for you to be married and it sounds like you really want to go with him where he goes. If you know you're going to get married, go for it! You guys can experience your 20's together. Just because you're married doesn't mean you can't have fun.
I'm sorry that you're stressed. The wedding stuff - small ceremony, no rehearsal, moms making the food - is probably not something you would regret. Lots of people have small weddings, and you could always have a vow renewal or anniversary party if you wanted to celebrate with a larger group later.
The concerns about moving for college, and about regreting getting married so soon, sound much more serious. What would be the harm in waiting? Yes, you would be apart from him while he's in bootcamp, but you could go to school. Be married before you can support yourself - I mean you, individually, rather than you as a couple - means that you have no back-up plan. How does your FI feel about you uprooting yourself? Did you make the decision about the Navy jointly, or did he decide that unilaterally? If he's in the Navy, you're going to have to be able to live long-distance sometimes anyway, depending on his assignment.
I hope everything works out! Just keep in mind that postponing is always an option. You do sound like you have a strong relationship and you really love your FI. Waiting for a year or two to save some money, go to school, and plan the wedding that you really want is not a bad idea. Best of luck!
ditto @Canuba
Note: My opinion is extremely biased because I married young and later wished I hadn't; I gave up on my dream school/career, and now wish I hadn't. I'm slowly getting to a place, 7 yrs later, where I am building the life I wish I had been living all along, and now with a 2yr old and divorce in the mix.
Wait. If you're with the right man, he's going to be the right man for the rest of your life, and a year or two isn't going to change that. Go to school, get a few more years under your belt, and then build the life of your dreams with the man of your dreams.
If you are certain about your relationship, getting married now is a good idea. Even if you don't live together at the moment, you will still get BAH which makes a huge difference in income. Plus, you'll get healthcare and other spousal benefits. Did you know you could get money towards an associates degree or licensing program? Also, you'll be considered a resident of any state you move to (for tuition purposes, huge deal!) after 30 days instead of 1-3 years. You'll be eligibile for more scholarships and financial aid.
Being married in the military often means a long distance relationship. We're dual military, and won't be living together for another 2 years because of his duty station and my education. There are definitely ways to be together though. You could get an associates degree at his first duty station, then transfer to a four year school close to the second one, be together and still get a traditional classroom college education.
You do have options on HOW you get married. Lots of military couples start off doing a small ceremony or courthouse elopement and plan a big wedding for later. You could also have a simple ceremony now and let your friends and family know you'll be celebrating with a reception in a couple of years. You'll meet a lot of people in the military who have gone both routes.
@canuba: This was my first thought.
Wedding stuff is your decision and as others have said is about you two and you could always try to do a renewal for your 10 year anniversary or something.
The other social, health and education reasons ARE reasons you may want to really consider delaying. The right education can really make a difference in getting a job, in getting the job you want and making you proud of what and who you are. Getting married young works for some and not others.
And being healthy is really important. Not just for your wedding day, but because you will be moving and with no family or friend support. Your FI will be very busy once you move.
Can you handle the stress of a new married life, moving, education and healh issues by yourself?
@canuba: He just up and decided he was going to join the Navy without consulting me. I was upset about it. And I'm not exactly looking for the military lifestyle. He wants me to go with him and thinks it is the best decision, but he wishes I could have moved out of my parents' house first and lived a little on my own before we got married. Thanks for your thoughts.
@Opus: Our families really want us to have a reception right after the ceremony. It's important to them. I guess it's important to us as well, to celebrate a little.
There may never be a "right" time to get married. If he's your guy, then thats all that matters. You can always do a vow renewal or upgrade your ring(s) down the line. Just make sure that if you want to get your degree, you can do that while you're travelling with him!
And planning a wedding is stressfull regardless of how big or small, rushed or not rushed, so it's not just you!
Good luck!
@lefeymw: I don't know. I ask myself this a lot. FI's best friend also confronted me with the same question and I didn't know what to say. It's like if I say no, I'm weak and a bad person for making a commitment I couldn't exactly keep. Not saying anybody thinks that, but I feel that way.
Sorry that you are going through this! Like PPs have said, it sounds like you really want to be with him.
I like the suggestion of a small ceremony now and then maybe a bigger one, say on your 5th anniversary? I was a BM for a friend who got married at the JP due to the fact that she wanted to offically adopt his daughter before something happened with the ex-wife. (can't remember exact details)
But then they did the big wedding a year after they were married at the JP. It was still beautiful and meaningful.
As far as school, have you looked into doing some or all of it online? I go to the University of Phoenix, but there are also many other choices.
Best of luck to you!!
@Stammie16: Thank you, I guess I just always thought that there would be a "right" time. Honestly the thought never crossed my mind that there might not be...
Yuppity-yup yup to what you've said! :)
@vampywolfgirl: Actually because of my health problems I do my school online right now but I'm not sure if I want to do it all online (have looked into bachelor degree programs though) and he will be in the Navy for at least the next 6 years.
It concerns me that he joined the Navy without consulting you. The military lifestyle can be really hard, and I've seen quite a few spouses build up resentment and blame if they didn't also chose it. Being in the military brings with it a lot of benefits and opportunities, but also has a huge downside.
@MrsCoachBtoBee: The benefits are very helpful and part of why we want to get married, but I don't like to think that we are getting married for the benefits.
@Opus: Yeah, I really worry about deployments especially. I really wish he would just finish college and get a job instead of wasting years being told where to live and what to do.
@Opus: As another Navy Bride (who is technically already married), I agree with all of this.
I would say wait to have the wedding of your dreams. However, I know from personal experience how little consideration girlfriends get from the Navy(for a lot of valid reasons, but it's as though you and your fiance might as well not know each other - you're not involved in anything, regardless of how much he may want you to be). So, I could see having a small ceremony and reception now, low-key and low profile, and having a 5 year "blow-out" - vow renewal, combined with hopefully a graduation party for you and a "congrats on nearing the end of your first term of service" for him (assuming 6 yr term). You will definitely have plenty to celebrate by then!
I also agree with PPs and say DON'T put off school. Regardless of what route you take, make school a priorty - you can complete it in any of these situations.
Good luck! I am sure it will work out, it sounds like you've found a great man and will be very happy no matter what.
It sounds like you are really unhappy about the military involvment here. How much have you been around the Navy and military lifestyle at this point? If you don't know what you're getting into, I'd highly recommend waiting to see.
@baliahi1029: Thanks for your input! You have good ideas and it's nice to hear from another Navy Bride.
@Opus: I haven't been around anything military at all. Going to the recruiter office with my fiance is like culture-shock for me. But I don't know, I am getting prepared for military life. I talk to other Navy SO's on other boards, my FMIL (who was a military wife) and have read a lot of information about it.
Im so sorry that you feel so stressed out. This is alot of change, so I can understand why you feel this way. It sounds like you want to be married, and you want to marry this guy spacifically. I think it will be good if you can go with him. This wedding granted may not be your dream wedding, but at the end of the day you are marrying the man of your dreams with your families being their supporting you. This is just the start to your life. Your wedding day is just one day, and it will go by so fast!! You can always after a few years when you guys are more financially stable have a vow renual and have the wedding of your dreams!! As for your ring, The ring just symbolizes the love that you have, and stands for the marriage vows that you will say. Its just a visual reminder. Your vows are no more serious, and and mean no less because your ring isnt as big or exactly what you dreamed of. I think e rings really symbolize where you are in life when you got engaged, and you look back and see how much you guys have grown, changed, and prospered. You are young if you feel like you are going to resent that fact that you are married after a while and you didnt live your life to the fullest before that, then maybe you should deley, but I think that if you want to marry this man then you should do it, and then you guys can expereience life together! As far as your health issues. That is a reason to postpone. If you feel like it is going to put your body through to much stress then maybe now is not the time, your health needs to be your first concern. But I think with all the butterflies and stress that come along with wedding planning maybe it will never feel like the time is "perfect" you just have to embrace your day!! I hope you get feeling better *HUGS*
@organizedbride11: Thank you, I really like your thoughts on the ring!
I've found that what you read and hear about the military lifestyle is still very different from actually living it. In many ways, it's just like mainstream America, but in others it is a completely different culture. If the recruiting office is culture shock, being on post definitely will be. See if your recruiter can take you on post somewhere, even if it's one of the other branches' posts. You could see what on post housing is like and get more of a feel of what your next few years will be like.
@ThePrincessMaggie: I know that's not a reason to get married, I just approach things that way sometimes. :) It's important to consider every aspect of getting married including the less "romantic" things. Getting married also gives you the benefit of making decisions should something happen to your husband. Since his family probably won't be living close.
Also, see if one of the recruiters at the station is married and has a spouse that would be willing to talk to you one on one. It could really help!
As for wasting time, try not to think of it that way. Your FI will gain job experience, get college paid for should he chose to go (the GI bill is a huge benefit, make sure he's signed up to pay into it!) and will have a lot of opportunities. These days, going to college is very expensive and not a guarantee of a job.
We both joined after getting our undergraduate degrees, and the military is paying for my graduate program. There are lots of opportunities for both of you to get an education, as long as you make it a priority.
@Opus: Oh...I hope I didn't offend you by saying it's a waste of time. He's almost done with school anyways (he's older) so I just feel like he doesn't need to join the Navy, because it's not like he feels its his duty to his country, he's doing it because he can't find a good enough job to support both of us here and so he can get the benefits (like the GI bill) and paying for school loans.
@ThePrincessMaggie: Just an aside - military life is definitely not for everyone, but you're not doomed by being a late entry. I didn't grow up with it, and wasn't ever part of the community until the serious relationship developed with my FI (at 25). We still have conversations about how interesting, unique and a bit weird the whole military life is - your doctors are Navy doctors, you go grocery shopping on base, you have a sticker on your car that identifies you immediately to world. So different.
It will help that your FI is learning this all too - I still have to stop when my FI is talking about work, and uses an acronym: "I don't know what that means".
There are good and bad aspects of being a part of the military community, but the most important part is the strength of your relationship with your future husband. If you have that, this is all just an adventure for the two of you. Sometimes hard, sometimes really crappy, but if you're with the man you love, it's just a part of your life together. Even though I NEVER thought I would become one, I am and will be so proud to be a Navy wife.
PM me if you ever need to talk. It's an adjustment.
@Stammie16: I agree. A wedding is a headache, usually... no matter how big or small. The adjustments you may be facing in marrying now may be no bigger or more serious than married life after school. He will still be busy. You will still have health, etc to worry about and take care of on your own. ( I totally feel you on this, having chronic conditions myself... it's hard!)
I'd be more worried about your FH not being able to support you in the future. Yes, you may be giving up school etc now if you marry.... how does he feel about that? Will he support you in the future so you can follow your own dreams and goals as an individual? If the answer is yes, I don't see why NOT to get married now. It will work out, I promise :) He needs to be behind you making these life changes, just as you are behind him in moving to be with him in his decision.
@SimplyChic11: Sorry you're sick too! :( We're hoping this surgery has fixed some of my problems, but it sounds like I'm always going to have to deal with my random fainting that happens once or twice a week. So yeah, I probably will have to deal with that even if we wait a few years.
He doesn't want me to give up on school now, even though I'm not really into it anymore (I'm just doing my gen eds and have no idea what I want to do yet). And YES he will support me following my own dreams, he is one of the most supportive people in my life, and it's very important to him that I go to school and become what I want to become.
Thanks for your positive energy!
@canuba: Well said. The size of ceremony, size of ring, etc. really are not reasons not to get married. The feeling like you may be too young to get married, worrying about the life changes that the marriage will require you, having to change colleges, etc. are VERY good reasons to postpone. There's no shame or harm in postponing and, IMO no need or reason to rush into things.
@mckernae: Well it's important to me to have a special ceremony. Maybe I'm asking too much, but it's my day.
I think the bigger issue is possibly regretting getting married now instead of waiting after you finished college. I know you both want to be w/ each other but this can easily turn into a long distance marriage quickly.
My brother is ex Marine and his marriage didn't survive his deployment to Japan. She didn't want to move even though it was a short deployement and would have been a great adventure.
My Bestie's younger brother just got married prior to his Germany deployment and his new wife is going for the entire 3yrs. They waited to marry until she had finished school and lived on her own.
I say don't rush. If your relationship is strong, it'll survive. Finish school.
Also inregards to not knowing what you want to do. I graduated w/ a Soc degree. I thought I wanted to be a teacher but discovered it wasn't for me. I was a store manager but was tried of working every weekend as well as holidays. And then I found my calling, I'm a buyer. I discovered I have a natural business mind which works great w/ my love of #s. So don't worry about not knowing what you want to do right now. Just finish your education.
@ThePrincessMaggie: Sorry if I was unclear. I'm not saying you can't have a special day--countless brides have amazingly special, intimate ceremonies on a budget. If you don't think this is possible for you, then by all means, postpone.
I'm just saying that, in the scheme of things, your concerns over major life changes (in my mind) are long-term issues that will affect your marriage, rather than just your wedding. That, to me, is a bigger red flag than the size of your ring, which can always be upgraded in few years when you two are in a financial position to do so.
But in the end, it doesn't really matter what my priorities are. If a big, joyous wedding and a more substantial ring are things you've always dreamed of, then postpone until you can afford those things! It's all about understanding your priorities, listening to yourself, and making decisions that reflect those priorities. It sounds like you have plenty of reasons to postpone (age, size of desired wedding, budget or lack thereof, not much time to plan, schooling, etc.), and IMO this major life decision is not one that should be rushed or that you should feel pressured into making because of a strict deadline. I'm of the mind that "if it's meant to work out, it will work out." I think that if you and your fiance are a great match, then you will work out regardless of whether you get married RIGHT NOW.
Good luck, and keep us posted as to what you decide!
The budgetary issues are separate, in my mind (I would marry my FI in a parking lot so long as it meant we were getting married!), but wanting to wait until you are financially stable is very smart. Also, being 19, you might want to wait until you've seen the world a bit, finished college, and chased your dreams. I considered myself a mature 19 year old, but I had a lot of living to do. A strong relationship will survive despite waiting. Good luck! In summary- I agree with @mckernae 100%
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