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I think you are COMPLETELY justified in your concerns. Personally, I am not sure I would want to be friends with someone who cheats on their husband repeatedly. Whether you should tell her husband or not is a toss-up, but it seems a bit strange to me that you would want to keep being friends with her, especially after she's started putting the moves on your FI.
If FI doesn't know about her background, I would tell him. Then I would cut off contact with her and ask him to do the same.
I would talk to your FI. I would tell him exactly what you posted here - that it's not that you don't trust him, but because of what you know about her, you aren't comfortable with them communicating at all. Just be honest and tell him what you know about her cheating, etc. It sounds like she's really the only one doing the communicating at this point, so I would just ask him not to respond to her or provoke her in any way.
Your FH needs to know you feel uncomfortable with the situation and he needs to know about her history. Yes, it might be nice to be flirted with but not by a woman with multiple affairs to be another notch on her bedpost. I'd certainly ask him to cut off contact with her and for yourself to cut contact with her as well - it may be hard enough to do that but it wouldn't be fair to ask him to limit his contact with her without you doing the same. A bit like dangling a carrot, if you see what I mean.
End the friendship and tell your guy that she has herpes :)
Okay well I'm kind of joking - if it was me I would tell FH that she's a whore and he might want to keep his distance before she whores her way into your bed. Maybe that's melodramatic of me, but it wouldn't be the first time I've told a guy which of my friends need to be tested.
Edit: okay that was snarky and rude and I apologize.
I agree with above posters that you should just talk to FI about this person.
Side note on the Facebook thing...that drives me NUTS! FI has a female friend that used to do this all the time! And the weird part is they were friends from "back home" but hadn't seen each other in years. And the minute he would post a status, she would "like" it or comment. I deleted her as a friend and she must have gotten the hint, because she knocked it off. Anyway I don't blame you for being annoyed by that /end rant
I agree with Tulip. You should definitely let him know about her cheating past. You could even say to him, "I just talked to So-and-so and she told me something that really upset me...." and talk about cheating and how it makes you feel that she would do that to her poor husband. And like, girlwitharing said, I would cut of contact with her socially. Let them be friends on FB but don't hang out with her ever again. Your FI is WAY more important than her.
Gosh. I was kind of hoping you'd all tell me I'm overreacting. :(
The real drag is that she's already been invited to my shower AND our wedding.
Sigh.
i'd talk to your fi about how you don't trust her, and tell him about her past. it doesn't sound to me like you have anything to worry about on your fi's side--i know my fi often becomes facebook friends with my friends after he's met them, that's very innocent. if it were me, i'd frame the conversation more around your being uncomfortable about whether you want to be friends with this girl in general, not so much about being worried about whether he'd fall for her flirting
I'd tell him she's a cheater with herpes. Seriously. You would probably share personal info about some of your friends with your FI anyway, so that's not weird, and it would probably curb any burgeoning interest he has.
Tell him about the affairs and the herpes. If your FI is as inexperienced as you say, hopefully that will turn him off and he won't want much to do with her.
I would be honest and tell him you trust him but not her. I would cut off all contact with her and if she inquires as to why tell her the truth, she was flirty with your FI and given her history of cheating on her husband you don't trust her. I would also tell your FI she has herpes, just to really nail it home that she is "loose lady" or whore lol. I don't think it's your place to tell her husband though, sounds like with her track record she'll get some std have to explain to her hubbs where it came from.
Since she's already invited, it will look really bad to suddenly not be FB friends with her. I would tell your FI about her cheating past and your concerns. I think your FI will probably understand and not provoke her attention. Don't make social plans with her, be really busy with the wedding, etc. You will have to see her at the shower and wedding, but there will be plenty of other people there too. After the wedding, I would not necessarily cut off all contact, but be really busy and unable to get together.
I would absolutely just have a talk with your FI about how uncomfortable she makes you. Especially since she's already invited to everything. Your FI sounds like a great guy with a good head on his shoulders...but he's just liking the attention right now (and let's be honest...who wouldn't be flattered?) I'm sure he will make a more conscious effort to make sure he doesn't make you feel uncomfortable with the way she's acting towards him in the future.
Ick.
I'd totally talk to your FI about her and your concerns. Not trying to sound judgemental, but I wouldn't be friends with her either, knowing what I know about her character. I had a friend from several years ago who was/is the same way, and I don't communicate with her anymore. There are just certain types of people that are not good to have in your life.
Yikes.
I'd definitely share what you know with your husband (though perhaps be discreet about the whole herpes thing) and try to gradually distance yourself from her. It sounds as though she's got some issues and it would be unfortunate for your family to be drawn into them.
Ok I have a friend like this to the T. The worse thing you can do it talk down about her, it only makes you look bad. Instead drop a very casual comment going like this...." Wow " blank " has much an amazing husband and it's great they are so in love. Not many guys would be able to look past the fact she has herpies and still marry her "....this way you dont look jealous. I won't worry about the FB thing, from what you've said she will move on in a few.
Honestly this type girl will hit on all guys, once she doesnt get want she wants she will move on, let her come to the wedding, shine and be happy. Don't sweat her or in her warped mind she will think she's won.
Okay, I don't think you need to freak out. Maybe its because all kinds of women want to get in my mans pants (I don't know what it is about him, really), but if he shows no signs of straying, it isn't that big of a deal. He is a human dude who is enjoying some attention. I would play off of that.
This is what I would honestly do: tell him you think she has a crush on him (pump up his ego), playfully tell him it makes you a tad jealous that such a pretty girl is hitting on her hunky husband (again, ego), tell him she is a bit of a, uh, loose woman (blame on her), and that she has herpes (and now he will never, ever sleep with her).
Something a little like: "Man, I think that X has a total crush on you! I mean, what woman wouldn't, but I'm shaking in my gorgeous engagement ring that such a hottie has a thing for my stud muffin! You probably get it all the time, though. And you know, she probably isn't playing either! I heard that she cheats on her husband all the time. And she told me a couple of years ago that she has herpes! You better watch out, mister, the herpes hotties are going to get you" (end scene with tickles)
Or, something less cheesy. Basically, find a way to tell him she has herpes without hinting he is going after that. No one wants herpes. She can FB him all she wants, herpes is a dealbreaker (IMO, and probably to anyone who would ever consider cheating. what a way to get caught!)
Um... I just need to say that just because someone has herpes, that does not automatically make them "loose" or a "whore." One of my very best friends got this from the first person she ever slept with... and he didn't tell her until after the fact. Just needed to get that off my chest. Anyway, yes, let your husband know that she has a bad track record, you were uncomfortable with the way she was flirting with him and you'd like him to quit talking to her. He should understand.
I would casually drop it into conversation with your FI that your friend has affairs, you don't approve, and oh, by the way she has genital herpes... karma, baby (in this situation, not a generalization with just anyone who has herpes, mind you!). Let him assimilate the info on his own. It works best that way anyway.
And then trust your FI.
Thank you all so much for your input and advice. I have a wonderful update.
My FI approached me after dinner and asked if something was wrong. I told him something was weighing on my heart. He asked what was wrong. I opened the conversation by asking him if he remembered a conversation we had many years ago about a friend of mine who was unfaithful to her husband. He didn't, but when I reminded him of his response (that it was my responsibility to tell my friend that what she was doing was a really bad idea), he vaguely remembered.
I told him it was the friend in question. He was very surprised. I told him she was unfaithful to her husband many times, and that she had been unfaithful to her first husband, as well. I told him I was very concerned about the fact that they were now Facebook friends and that she was very interested in his updates, and when he figured out where I was going with the conversation, he immediately took my hands into his and held me close and told me that he would never, ever be unfaithful to me. He said that imagining the heartbreak and sadness doing so would cause to me would absolutely crush him, absolutely break his heart, and he couldn't live with himself or knowing how much his infidelity would kill me. Of course, I cried and cried! And felt utterly reassured.
I feel much better. Thank you all so much for your input. The honest and direct route seemed to work.
Yay! I'm so glad you were able to be honest with him and you feel better!
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