Post # 1
Hi Bees !
I am having by far my WORSTE waiting day so far! I have only been ‘waiting’ for around 5 months BUT I am an incredibly impatient person. My SO asked me on our 4 year anniversary to do ring research ect and find a ring & specifications that I like. I have since sent him the spec and set-up the jeweller.
Last night I asked him to give me timeline so that I didnt have to feel so crazy and wonder when its going to happen. He wouldnt give me one because he doesnt want to ruin the surprise. I told him just to give me a rough estimate like ‘it wont be within the next year’ or ‘it will be within the next year” and he just wouldnt – he then went on to say that he doesnt even know himeself because he would rather buy a house than something small to sit on my finger! I have told him in the past am more than happy with a cz until we can afford to buy a diamond – but he isnt happy with that. So why make me look at rings when he knows how impatient I am when it may not be for two years! I feel like I have been led on to an extent and have been abit distant with him since he said this. I feel very emotional and I dont know why, I just missed my period so maybe its the stress over that as well.
We do need to save $60k for our house in the next 18 months – BUT I did just get a new job and a $12k pay rise! and we earn a pretty deceant amount of money, plus my income should triple over the next five years. I dont see the issue – but then I do handle all our finances because he has no idea about money (I work in Financial Planning).
I probably over reacting, I just feel abit silly that he told me to order my dress ect (which is now hanging in our closet) and started planning and chose a venue. I have packed everything away now and have decided not to talk about it any more with him even if he brings it up (he does quite often!) – do you think this will help?? I feel like I am going crazy!
Post # 3
First of all, you deserve chocolate. lots of chocolate for dealing with this. Its rude of your SO to get you all excited and then not do anything to take away your anxiety.
First of all, what’s wrong with a cz? you could just chose the setting you want and swap the stone out later. Sounds sensible to me – although apparently not your SO.
Perhaps, you should sit him down and go through a payment plan for the ring and the house ; “here is what we want and here is how we will pay for all of this”. One of my friends did this with her SO when he wanted to buy a house and a $40,000 car. After that her SO seemed to come to his senses and decided that maybe he didn’t need a turbo charger, ‘fully-sick’ Holden.
Post # 5
I think you need to have a talk. You guys need to be on the same page about your future – does that mean you’ll be getting engaged before or after buying a house? You should both be comfortable and working towards the same goal. I personally don’t buy the “it should be a surprise or it’s not romantic” thing. You are two adults planning a life together, you should be able to talk about and agree on your future.
Post # 6
@littlemissbossy: I think it was really bad form of him to ask you to do some ring research and then not give you a timeline. And also, why did he tell you to order the dress?!
Unfortunately, that’s the situation you’re in. BUT like @FuzzyBunnyB: suggested maybe sitting him down and going through the finances with him, might make him realise it’s more affordable and could happen sooner than he thinks.
But LOTS of chocolate is needed! STAT!
Post # 7
I wouldn’t recomend chocolate or else you will end up eating a ton!
Go for a walk in the park instead, way more healthy and relaxing. Back to your problem, my opinion is that you talk with him, maybe he was planning to propose really soon (that why he told you to plan and get the dress and all) but then got cold feet for some reason (probably money related) and he is freacking out. Talk to him about the future, like how much time will be until you can afford the house with you new income, and how are you guy planning on doing so, and how exactly would cost a ring that YOU love (not the one he thinks you deserve). Communication is the key. Keeping your distance may not help at this point.´
And I’m saying talk like two adults, this is serious business, it’s your future, so don’t go and make him feel guilty or it could go wrong. Just calmly, openly, express your opinion and then hear him out.
Post # 8
Is there a chance he’s trying to trying to throw you off the scent?
Post # 9
@littlemissbossy: wouldn’t even consider buying a house going into a legal contract with someone who wasn’t willing to commit to *me* with a ring and a firm wedding date.
Sorry you’re going through this but sounds like he is pretty comfortable with how things are. Your desires are secondary. You’re not crazy. I think you should take alwayssunny’s advice. If he doesn’t want to talk about it and be definitive, I’d consider it a red flag and would put the brakes on.
Post # 10
@littlemissbossy: That’s lame of him to act lik it is going to happen and then not act on it. I can’t understand why he would tell you to get a dress and look into rings and then never do anything about it. I would keep communicating with him so that he knows how you feel and so that resentment and tension doesn’t build (as it so quickly can). You should just tell him the truth about it- for example: “Hey so you told me to pick a dress and ring and venue X months back. I thought this meant the day was coming soon and plans were in the works. Now I have had a dress already and still nothing has changed. What is a reasonable person to think? That you’ve changed your mind? You owe me an explanation for all of this as I am trying to plan for our life together and these events do not add up.” Good luck!
Post # 11
Marry Jane gemgirl6 akitten lsimpson FuzzyBunnyB AlwaysSunny krayzay87
Thank you all so much for your help bees!
I ended up going shopping for the day to have some alone time (brought two beautiful vintage teacups for a bargain!) and then spoke to him last night. I just sat him down and told him what I was thinking and he was really good about it.
I think he genuinly wants it to be a surprise, was trying to throw me off & finds it funny tp tease me about the ring – he gave me a timeline within the next year & said it could be anytime this year, not neccessarily at the end of the year :):) Initially he told me a year and a half and I was like “WHAT” why make me prick a ring and go to the jeweller?! But he meant 1.5 years from when he asked me to prick a ring which was nearly 6 months ago.
He told me he is going to chose a diamond within the next couple of months & would have proposed last week (we went on a bowling date and then to the beach) but he didnt have the ring. So he is just going to do it when the timing is right – I think he was also way overestimating the price by about $6k.
So finally my mind is at ease and hopefully his is too – I really dont think they realise at all what we go through when we are ‘waiting’. But I will definately be doing the SIUP so that he doesnt think I am expecting it every time we go on a date!
Thanks again bees!!