Very confused about my engagement, should i walk now, or stick it out?

posted 3 years ago in Relationships
  • poll: should i leave or should i go?
    You should leave , run away now! : (116 votes)
    83 %
    You should stay and try and work things out : (8 votes)
    6 %
    I really have no idea what you should do : (11 votes)
    8 %
    You are being dramatic, things will get better : (4 votes)
    3 %
  • Post # 3
    Member
    1398 posts
    Bumble bee
    • Wedding: March 2013

    I don’t know anything about prenups but they can work in your favor if you are smart about it.

    honestly though putting prenup aside, sounds like you are involved with a typical commit-phobe. I was involved with one when I was 25, he was 11 years older, when I realized what I was dealing with I took the courage and left. It was the most difficult thing but am sooooo glad I did. I found someone close to my age, i am turning 30 and we married this year.  

    Post # 4
    Member
    1179 posts
    Bumble bee
    • Wedding: August 2013

    Maybe have a lawyer check I out for you… IDK sounds like a lot of odd requests…where you can live? Kind of a red flag…

    Post # 5
    Member
    3389 posts
    Sugar bee
    • Wedding: June 2013

    I’m still stuck at the part where he says he lost a bit of love for you since the arguments. How does that happen? I think it’s a cop out. It sounds to me like he is very unsure about making a commitment.  I think you both need time to sort out your feelings. I’m sorry you’re going through this.  Whatever the outcome of your break, I wish you luck.

    Post # 6
    Member
    3420 posts
    Sugar bee
    • Wedding: July 2015

    @Birdi:  +1 

    good luck OP! I’m sorry this is happening to you :/

    Post # 7
    Member
    2457 posts
    Buzzing bee
    • Wedding: October 2012

    you need to both sit and make this pre-nup together… not just something HE came up with for you to sign. if you are going to have a pre-nup, it needs to benefit both of you.

    Post # 8
    Member
    2627 posts
    Sugar bee
    • Wedding: November 1999

    Prenups are OK, but a prenup should protect BOTH parties, not just one. If this one only protected him then I could see why it would upset you.  Is his living arrangements restricted as well? Are there provisions for “getting permission” etc or if you end up a SAHM and leave your career? etc.

    But that aside, as that is really a symptom of the problem and not the problem, he is afraid of commitment. He has told you he is so there is no reason for you not to believe him.

    He “Thinks” you can be happy together. I would want my fiance to know, not think.  I think he has some soul searchign to do before you move on with your plans and he has to come to terms with how he feels and why. 

    And then you need to readdress that prenup. You both need to sit and draw something up that protects both parties.  Only then would I begin wedding planning again.

    Its scary to think about leaving especially since you have invested a lot of time and emotions into this relationship. 

    Its always easier to stay than to leave because leaving is change and change takes effort and there is an element of unknown. Also, you can love him, but that doesnt mean you should be with him.  

    Post # 9
    Member
    143 posts
    Blushing bee
    • Wedding: August 2013

    Oh I’m so sorry.  That must have been awful to hear!  I can’t imagine.

    Honestly, if he’s having doubts of that magnitude, it’s not going to work.  And these are just the doubts he’s fessing up to.  You really don’t deserve to put yourself through that.  You’re just so young still, and it would be so easy for you to find someone who wouldn’t make you sign a prenup, wouldn’t be a selfish jerk about it when it hurt your feelings, and wouldn’t have doubts about whether he wants to marry you.  Please do yourself a favor and run away.  It will suck for a while, but then it will get better.  You can find someone who treats you right.

    Post # 10
    Member
    660 posts
    Busy bee
    • Wedding: April 2013

    @daynalenore:  @Birdi:  +1

    Yes, what the hell is this, that he lost a little love for you since the arguments? That is just ridiculous.

    Also, my then-boyfriend made a similar comment about not being excited about the prospect of engagement. I was never so insulted in my life. So I dumped his ass. However, after some time passed, I had my ring and also the excitement on his part.

    I would walk from this guy. He just seems to have too many doubts. You deserve someone better.

    Post # 11
    Member
    2419 posts
    Buzzing bee
    • Wedding: May 2013

    Th pre-nup, itself, doesn’t have to be a reason to walk but the content of this particular pre-nup would bother me since it seems to go way beyond protecting both of your interests. He cannot, and should not, want to specify where you can live in the event of a divorce.

    As for losing a little love after the arguments, it sounds as if he’s very emotionally shallow as well as controlling. I fail to see what a little break will achieve since it is only by discussing the whole issue of the pre-nup that is likely to allow you to move forwards together. If he plans to run away every time he hears something he didn’t want to hear it is no basis for a happy marriage. 

    You say you want to cling onto him. I’d say you’d be far better letting him go and finding happiness with someone a lot more committed to you and a lot less controlling. 

    Post # 12
    Member
    1696 posts
    Bumble bee
    • Wedding: October 2013

    I’m totally fine with a pre-nup. As someone once told me, make the hard decisions for if things go bad while things are still good.

     

    What confuses me here is that it sounds like he dictates this entire relationship. This is a partnership, why is he the one making all of the decisions. The pre-nup should be worked on together. If you go on break, you should decide that mutually or just break up.

     

    It sounds like he’s afraid of the commitment and is trying to push you away. 

     

    I wouldn’t say run, but I would say that you guys seek out some couples counseling. Remember, this is your entire life ahead of you that you are committing. It is better to be patient and wait a bit longer and be 110% sure than rush into things and make a mistake you’ll regret. You’re already with him, slow down until you are completely certain.

    Post # 13
    Member
    65 posts
    Worker bee

    You are so young and you are talking about the rest of your life. Please go with your red flags! You already see them , most people don’t. He was honest with you and told you he was scared he would want to leave. Thats an important piece of information he disclosed. It does sound like he might be afraid of commitment, some people are. I personally don’t understand it and think there are some issues there.

    To me the prenup and threatening to leave you and taking this extreme break sounds a little manipulative.

    I don’t know the whole situation & and I dont want to tell you want to do. But, if I was in the situation I would hope someone would tell me to run for the hills (& hope I would listen). This break might be a good oppourtunity to do that. Age doesnt matter to me, but you are so young I’d hate to see you in a miserable situation. Look at the signs.

    Goodluck! Let us know what happens.

    Post # 14
    Member
    920 posts
    Busy bee
    • Wedding: November 2018

    Maybe you two just need to take a year or 2 before getting married to make sure this is what you both want.  This could just be a small step back and it’s possible his love for you will easily retutn.  However this might be the end of the line for you both.  I think you two should just take as much time as you need to figure this out and then worry about the wedding.

    I’m all for prenups but this one just seems far too controlling.  What if your career requests you moving to a place that’s not allowed.  Why is he so controllng about where you live? Is he that paranoid he will see you or he wont be able to run back to you any moment.  Who you can live with, seriously? If you divorce it’s none of his bussiness who you live with.  Honestly if he wasn’t willing to change it I wouldn’t sign it.  Have you shown it to your own lawyer?

    Post # 15
    Member
    1302 posts
    Bumble bee
    • Wedding: June 2013

    @rosworms:  I completely agree. You should at least have a lawyer of your own look at it.

    Post # 16
    Member
    13010 posts
    Honey Beekeeper
    • Wedding: June 2011

    He was with someone else for 10 years on and off and that wasn’t serious?  10 years is a LONG time not to be serious.  Not sure? Not excited?  Lost some love?  Run for the hills!!  This guy does not sound ready for this at all, and he’s warning you.  Listen to those warnings.  Find a guy that is excited and can’t wait to be your husband and is sure of it.

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