very confused—long

posted 3 years ago in Emotional
Post # 3
248 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: August 2015

if you don’t trust him after two years, i’d let it drop. But then I would have left after the first issue – infidelity or lying of any kind is a dealbreaker for me.

Post # 4
8680 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: October 2014

Loss of trust is something that is healed over a very long time. It isn’t easy and during that healing period you will wonder. It’s not something that is easily earned again, and it causes alot of turmoil in relationships.

I see alot of things wrong in your post, OP.

First, and foremost, he has talking to one of his ex girlriends. Why does he still communicate with her? Are they actual friends, or is it they just talk to talk kind of thing. If they never hang out or anything, there’s no real reason to continue talking to each other unless they have feelings for each other. A simple text on their birthday or something is different.. but not everyday frequent texting.

Second, the ex girlfriend obviously isn’t ready to let your guy go. That’s a big problem, because even if your boyfriend is intent on being true to you.. she will always be a temptation.

Third, he hid and lied to you about communicating with his ex. Hiding things from your partner is just lying by omission. This is a HUGE red flag to me, because if he hid and lied to you before, there’s a good chance he will do it again.

Fourth is a sort of big deal to me, the girl he had plans with.. do you know her? Were they friends before you two got together? If you don’t know her, or if he met her after you two were dating, this would be a HUGE red flag to me. He shouldn’t be in situations where he’s meeting other women, it doesn’t matter if it’s strictly plantonic or not.

Fifth.. does he seem to care about your feelings at all? I would honestly NOT be okay with my fi contactly his ex, texting a girl and making plans with her.. and hanging around other females when I wasn’t around [exceptions made for long term friends]. My fi would also not like me to do any of these things with other guys.

I think you need to look within yourself.. do you feel like you will ever be able to trust him again? Or, do you constantly have a gut feeling that he may be lying to you?

If you honestly don’t have an answer, I would consider some time apart. Maybe not a split, but moving out and getting some fresh air to think on.

Post # 5
3016 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: July 2014 - Prague

I want to clarify something. This second girl– it sounds like this could potentially be a work-related thing… except “he texted her goodmorning”  What?  Were his text throughout the day about work? I’m assuming you saw them all.

I suppose the bottom line was in your own words: you don’t trust him. Is that a pattern for you? Do you look for reasons to break off relationships? or is this a unique thing? You have to go with your gut, eventually. Trust is pretty important.

Post # 6
802 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: August 2015 - Backyard Forest

This definitely comes across as majorly fishy and there are a lot of red flags. 

I am with PP, go with your gut on this one – you feel like something is up, because there probably is. 

Sure he might not be DOING anything, but regardless he’s hanging around the line a lot, and if he’s committed to you, this kind of behaviour wouldn’t even be on his radar. 

Post # 7
3787 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: June 2011

Well, if you don’t trust him you should break up. I know it’s difficult, but it’s not complicated. If you’re like this now before you get married, imagine later on when you are. Do you want to continually go through this? 

Honestly, it sounds like it could really go either way with this last incident. The other – totally inappropriate – although I don’t know why you called her and told her it has to stop (not awesome of her, but SO is the one committed to you and in control of his life). But overall, it sounds like you’re sick of feeling like this though and if you can’t forgive and actually move on then it’s only fair to both of you if you end it. 

Also, it might be worth chatting with someone (a counselor, etc) to help you get over this so you don’t bring your trust issues into your next relationship unfairly. 

*hugs* good luck!

Post # 8
236 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: June 2011

I’m sorry you’re going through this.  My ex-boyfriend lied to me in a similar way and although I forgave him at the time, I never could fully trust him again.  And he kept giving me reasons not to trust him.  Our relationship carried on for a few years after that, partly because I wanted to believe him and partly because I was afraid to let go. Our relationship became very toxic though because once that trust was broken (and continued to be broken), things were never the same… we just fought over everything and I never believed anything he said.  Only you can truly decide what to do in this case but if you decide to be with him, something has to be done to build up that trust again.  Otherwise it could cause more damage in the long run.  Just from my experience..

Post # 9
288 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: September 2014

There might not be anything going on…YET and I say this because there are all kinds of red flags.  He’s giving you plenty of reasons not to trust him. 

I would probably consider moving on if A. you can’t get past this B.  His behavior continues.  Easier said than done…I know.

Sorry you are going through this.

Post # 10
1333 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: September 2014

It sounds like he is not working to regain your trust. Texting good night & good morning? I’m sorry hun that would upset me, I’ve only ever done or seen that in the context of flirting. Do you know that girl at all? What is also concerning is all the secrecy. In this context, I would even be bothered by his making plans and breaking them, as it points to a kind of dishonesty and manipulation of people for his own purposes. It makes sense you don’t trust him, he’s not being open & honest with you. I dated someone who I could not trust, and no matter how good anything else was in the relationship, it could never really go anywhere because of that. Trust is so, so important. If you want to try to gain that trust, he’s going to have to shape up and go to counseling with you for there to be any chance.

Post # 12
724 posts
Busy bee

I am dating a friendly guy who was a very flirtatious friendly guy when he was single. The kind of guy who is catnip for women. Completely charming, so chivalrous… just one of those people that everyone adores. Myself included!

We were friends for many years before dating, so I knew this was his nature.

As our relationship grew serious, I could tell that he was emotionally invested in me, but his habits and affinity for being the friendly guy were something I had to address with him. He gave me no reasons not to trust him, but it was important for me to tell him that the way he treated other women could be perceived as a green light for them to become close with and make moves on him, and that’s not something I was comfortable with.

Without accusing him of doing anything wrong, we had a really good talk about the little things he could do to make his social boundaries less vague and to honor me and our relationship by being more aware of how women interpreted his friendliness. By no means did I ask him to be the bad guy. It was simply stating that I can’t rid the world of morally-bankrupt floozies and my idea of a lasting relationship is not one in which I have to police his outside relationships. The ball is entirely in his court, and I’m willing to help him define boundaries that I feel good about but I can’t enforce those boundaries at all.

It hasn’t been an issue since, and each time I see him let a girl down gently or put me before a female friend makes me glad that I didn’t just write him off as a perma-flirt.

Post # 13
1626 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: November 2013

Sorry this got longer than I meant it to!:

I am going to chime in and say that I personally (my experience is probably not akin to yours, but just for the sake of argument) talk to one of my exes that I dated before my DH, as well as my first highschool boyfriend (who is obviously an ex, lol!) who I have known for 12 years.

I text the highschool ex pretty much every day because we both work in really super monotonous positions and the joking and talking tends to help the day pass. He is married, has a lovely wife who I absolutely respect (and she’s pretty as all getout too! He definitely upgraded hahahaha!) and I would never cross that line, because we are both married to who we are supposed to be married to. Basically memes are fun to exchange via text and bring some humor to the workplace (we work for separate agencies but we have the same schedule).

The other guy is occasional – he has been dating a totally awesome chick (I wanna say for like 7 or 8 months by now) who I just love with him (they are super great together!), and she has a kid, who he is pals with and takes care of and I am so happy for him! 🙂 We text occasionally (we’re talking maybe every couple days to every couple weeks, depending on what’s going on, and even then it’s not continuous or for long. It’s usually just a couple lines, but occasionally can be a conversation for like an hour) and just catch up. I comment on his FB sometimes, and I have engaged in comment conversations with his current gf too because she’s awesome!

I never hang out with either of these guys, we all have vastly different schedules and lives and hobbies, etc. Just because we text but don’t hang out doesn’t mean at all that I’m still interested in either of them or would ever cheat on my husband. Ever. We just broke up on good terms and remain friends/acquaintances.

That said, my DH also knows that I talk to them both. The ex from highschool plays Warhammer 40k (table top game) and my DH used to, so they have actually talked thru me occasionally about the game and lore, haha. I always offer to let my DH read my texts, and he says no, but the offer is there nonetheless because I want him to feel secure and know that everything is platonic and just chit chat.

I think that might be where the divergence is, in your case. You aren’t informed of these exchanges. That would be a red flag for me, and I would also have a hard time trusting him. 🙁 And the ex that “can’t imagine her life without him” is a huge flag for me. = Why he isn’t telling you what’s up is the problem, I think. And that he deletes them shows he has something to hide (to me, anyway).

Soul search for sure. Good luck! *hug*

Post # 14
679 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: October 2014

@shaka:  Your boyfriend sounds a lot like my FI.  I met my FI through my college roomate and when I first met his, my roomate told me he was a player.  He eventually got over that, but was still (and still is) very friendly and charming and his niceness can sometimes be confused as him being interested in the other person.  Since I knew he was like this, I had to be OK with it if I was going to be in a relationship with him (and he was the one that pursued me).

Once we started dating, I was super jealous at first and had to put a lid on it.  Fi knows a lot of people, and has several female friends, but no one that he texts on a regular basis.  He had one female employee that started texting him quite a bit last year, and I told him I was uncomfortable with it for obvious reasons, so he told her to stop it.  My point is, he respected my feelings, something, OP, that I don’t think your boyfriend is doing.

As another poster said, when that trust is broken, it’s really hard to get it back.  He’s not doing anything right now to get it back!  He should be busting his butt to show you that he is trustworthy and instead he’s doing the opposite.

I don’t know if I could be in a relationship like that.

Post # 15
4878 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: November 2010

He’s making dates with other women to go to shows?

And you’re supposed to just accept that he’s just a natural babe magnet & can’t help it?

A break sounds like a great idea to me.  Would be interesting to see if he replaces you right away.  I’d brace myself for that possibility, OP.

Leave a comment

Sent weekly. You may unsubscribe at any time.

Find Amazing Vendors