- 6 years ago
Hi everyone. The fact that I’m writing this while at work is a pretty good indication of how distracted I am right now. I feel like my mind is all over the place.
Some good news: my boyfriend is starting his ‘partial hospitalization’ rehabilitation program today. This morning he had an evaluation done. They said he doesn’t need to do the inpatient program, which is good to hear. It means he is doing well. The partial hospitalization will involve a few weeks of 5-hour days. After they think he is ready, he will be bumped down to an intensive outpatient program. Progress is being made.
I am having trust issues right now. Part of me isn’t convinced he has stopped, even though everything points in the direction of him being completely dedicated to this. I suppose that is just because I spent 3 years thinking I could trust him only to find I shouldn’t have. If I couldn’t trust him then when I thought I had no reason not to trust him, why should I now when I do, you know? I do know that if our relationship is going to survive that I’m going to have to trust him at some point, so I’m trying to remind myself that he is no longer in control of his finances (he put all his money into his mother’s account for now, and she’s being strict about the money she lets him have until he shows that he can be trusted with it). I’m trying to remind myself that HE wants this, and that he has the medication he needs to help it. I need to remember he is doing all the right things.
The thing that scares me the most right now is that I’m not 100% sure that I am in love with him anymore. Maybe that is because on top of all of these trust issues I also have not gotten to see him in a week and a half. I don’t feel like I miss him nearly as much as I should, but that could just be because I need time to myself, or because I know being around him right now is when the trust problems come up most. It might just be that I want a distance from the drama and am revelling in this relative peace. But then… maybe this has hurt our relationship to the point that I really don’t love him like that anymore. Maybe we can’t recover from this.
I won’t be jumping to any conclusions for now. Like I’ve said before, I’m planning on waiting until after he is out of his program and I am spending more time with him again first. I don’t think I can really know how I feel about him or us until then.