(Closed) Very emotional, Waiting for something that may never happen?

posted 6 years ago in Waiting
Post # 3
Member
9 posts
Newbee

Hi Sad Bee,

I feel we are in slightly similar situations and I actually just posted up my situation too in this waiting thread (also my first post).

My first questions is how does your SO feel about starting a family? Have you told him how you feel about it? If you two don’t agree on this that could be part of why he hasn’t asked

when he talked about finances and money maybe he means he isn’t so much worried about affording just the ring, but also the wedding/family/house/security that I think a lost of guys consider to be part of being financially ready to get married.

Maybe talk to him about those aspects and if you want to get engaged sooner rather than later maybe be a little more open to a longer engagement? 

Are you dead set on waiting to start a family until after you are married? 

If you two have good communication about wanting a family – have you talked to him about how you feel about the clock ticking? did you ask him how he would feel if when he’s ready to have a family the two of you are older and might not be able to?

Also, if you wouldn’t mind – read my post and offer your advice to me too! Thanks!

Post # 4
Member
1798 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: August 2011

It sounds like finances may just be cover for the real reason he’s delaying. Try to sit him down for a serious chat and take the ring out of the equation and find out what’s holding him back. It could be general concerns about financial security, but you really need to talk to him

Post # 6
Member
9 posts
Newbee

@sad bee:  A recent issue of Cosmo had an article you might want to leave open on the table while your in the shower and he’s waiting for you! The article was about timing and fertility and about how professional women sometimes choose the very expensive option of freezing their eggs (and that it is still difficult to have a family later on even that way). not sure if you are the type to leave articles like that open but he might take a look – I think a lot of guys hear about celebrities having kids in their forties and just don’t realize the real facts about having kids when you get older (risk factors, downs syndrome, difficulty in conceiving and pregnancy). He prolly just never learned about those things and knows of people who had kids in their 40s 

Post # 7
Member
2725 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: November 2011

I’m sorry you are going through this. It sounds like you are really struggling and I completely understand why! 

If finances are the reason you are not engaged then finances will be the reason you can’t have children either. A ring is a small chunk of change compared to the lifetime cost of a child. If having children is your priority I think you may want to re-evalute your relationship.

You said you were employed 5.5 years of your 6 year relationship but he said if you both had jobs it would have happened already. Well it was that way for 5.5 years so I see that as another excuse.

I’ve said this to other bees but if a man wants to be with you he will do everything in his power to be with you. Seriously if you haven’t seen or read He’s Just Not That In To You, then you need to. 

Additionally, people show you who they are and you need to believe them. SO has shown you in the past 6 years he’s not trying that hard to be with you otherwise you would have been engaged last December (or sooner). 

Post # 8
Member
532 posts
Busy bee

Sorry you are going through this, I am in a similar situation, so I can understand how you feel and unfortunately, I don’t really have much advice. Can you have a talk with him about what he thinks the timeline would be? Tell him you need a definitive answer (for example, “soon” is not an answer. his answer has to be something like within 3 months or within 1 year or something like that). It’s not fair to you to be in the dark about his plans when it is causing you so much distress. If he cannot give you an answer, I would think long and hard about my options.  Good luck to you!

Post # 8
Member
3626 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: September 2012

@MrsElopement:   I thought this too – maybe he doesn’t want to get married because you’re not in a financially stable place to start a family. I guess you’ll have to choose either being with him unmarried with kids, without kids, or without him altogether.

Post # 9
Member
2861 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: May 2013

Do you want to marry him in particular or start a family as soon as possible? Do you still love him? I guess the answers to those questions can help you decide.

Post # 11
Member
868 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: November 2011

If you are doubting his intentions, it is because he has given you a reason to doubt his intentions.

If you want to start a family, then you need to do it now.  After 30 years of age, a woman’s ability to conceive drops drastically and at 35, it is at about 50% from when you were 20.  (I used to work in a Fertility Clinic).

It does not sound like this is happening.  It is NOT your fault because you do not have a job.  It has NOTHING to do with you.  If he is not willing to commit to marrying you, then how can he conceivably commit to having a child with you?

I think you need to re-evaluate your priorities and determine if a relationship with someone who feels no need to take the next step is paramount.

Post # 12
Member
9614 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: April 2019

definitely sit down and talk to him! he needs to understand that you won’t wait around forever, if he understands that he may lose you, he may do what he needs to to keep you! you deserve better than what he has been doing, good luck!

Post # 13
Member
868 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: November 2011

@Jacqui90:  It sounds like she’s had that conversation with him before.  She gave him a deadline of December and he just kept saying it was money problems.  She gave him serveral alternatives and made a case for it and he still kept citing money problems.  While I think another conversation might benefit her, it would only be so she can say that she made every attempt to make him understand how important this is to her.

Post # 14
Member
190 posts
Blushing bee

If I were in your shoes.. I would start talking about getting eloped. No ring, no wedding. You can always have a ceremony later and he can get you a ring as well when you are financially stable. As far as family.. a baby is going to cost way more than a wedding and ring haha, but if you get eloped and start stashing away money throughout the pregnancy, maybe it wouldn’t be so bad? Just make sure you throw a huge baby shower 😛

 

(I have no idea what your mutual finances are like so just blindly making suggestions)

Post # 15
Member
347 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: May 2014

@sad bee:  if his reason is finances when youve been employed during the majority of your relationship i have to say that sounds like an excuse to me. whose to say after marriage one of you wont lose a job? then what happens? nothing is ever secure.

it doesnt sound like hes ready for marriage, if he wanted to marry you he would. theres financing options where he could pay off a ring, moissy is another alternative. i hate to see stories like this, women in their 30s planning a family is a critical time, those years are important, hes clearly dismissing your BIO clock and putting off marriage. if i were in your shoes, id walk. theres no reason why you two shouldnt be married by now.

since hes already passed a deadline im not sure another would make much of a difference.. just dont wait too long. sorry you are going through this :/

 

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