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A month back I wrote a post titled “Sincere wedding photo comments…I know I shouldn’t feel hurt but I do!” and now there is part 2 to this story.
Sorry to whine and complain about this one person AGAIN but I really just need to vent since I’m too chicken to confront her face to face!
So it’s been a month and a half after my wedding. The day finally comes and I get my wedding album from the photog!! I had it shipped to my office since we don’t have a doorman at our apartment and then the mail just sits in the post office. I know I should have waited till I got home but I just couldn’t. I LOVED IT!! I was worried at first but when I saw it I was totally satisfied.
Anyways since I have already opened the package I couldn’t really hide it and later on today my evening class teacher (I’ll call her Miss S.) saw it so I just had to let her take a look…
Just a little background story Miss S. has known me for 2 years but has never met my husband. When I shared some sneak peeks of my wedding photos she made super rude remarks about his looks and his weight. One time would be fine with me but since then she always makes fun of him (to me...in class) and hinting I should have found someone better.
Well today within 5 minutes she managed to make the most hurtful comments that made me regret my decision of not waiting till I got home to open the package.
First she announces “Oh they should have titled the album “Strange Marriage” or “Beauty and the Beast” instead of naming the album “Congratulations”.
Next page. The photographer did some Photoshop magic to make the images look dreamy, her comment to that was “Why didn’t he trim off your husband’s fat face and body?”.
Next page. Her reply to a candid photo of my husband, “This photo is horrible!”
Next page. Her reply to a candid photo of me during the ceremony, “Weird expression on your face, were you bored?”
Next page. Her comment about my traditional wedding attire, “Oh my who picked this pattern? Looks like an old bed cover…well I guess you guys got married in the country side, not many trendy options”. (That gown costs my husband’s parents a fortune to rent and we all agreed on loving that one.)
Last random comment. “I always pictured your husband to be super handsome and slim, you got to put him on a diet!” (she was joking because he share the same name with some rock star/model from the 90s).
Anyone who knew my husband knows he has had weight issues on and off ALL his life. He gained around 60 pounds when he quit smoking and managed to lose 30 pounds before the wedding. But he still is around 40 pounds over his ideal weight. It was so hard for him and he was super happy to see himself 30 pounds lighter in the wedding photos
From my last post a lot of bees gave me super helpful advice to hint my rude friends which they have all improved and seemed to understand my subtle message…except for Miss S who still thinks it’s ok to say whatever. Since I’m too chicken to approach her in a more direct way (my hints were apparent though) over the past month I have considered changing classes…it might sound like I’m immature and can’t deal with a small issue but I feel like she has gradually been getting too comfortable with commenting on my personal life that are beyond interest and areas of the class (i.e. me and my husband’s future plans, my job, the city I plan to move to etc).
One last thing…she helped herself into showing my album to other random people (like the receptionist and another random student).
I’m not crying this time…I’ve just had it! Sorry! Just needed to VENT!!
i'd switch classes, you don't need that toxicity. i cannot imagine saying that to anyone!!
wow I dont even know what to say to this .... well i would know what i would say to Miss S if i was you but I am pretty sure i shouldnt post that here lol.
Sounds like to me that perhaps she is just bitter about her own life and feels the need to bring you down with her. You know what they say Misery loves company.
Congrats to your husband for losing so much weight before your wedding & you know what so what if he is a little overweight, so what if he doesnt fit her ideal mold. He is odviously fits the mold of just what you were looking for in life and that is all that matters.
Personally I would confront her about being out of line about sharing details of your personal life with others as well as just being rude.
I think I responded on your other post... But when I was reading this: I actually screamed at the screen (like a crazy person) "What a cow".
After she said "Beauty & the Beast" I would have snatched the book up & told her where to stuff it.
She needs to know she cannot spew such awful comments. She sounds very bitter & jaded. Instead of being happy for you, she's decided to piss on your parade. Will speaking to her change anything or is she just that ignorant that she'll think you're the rude one?
IMO: That person is a monster. A completely monster! Don't show her anything ever again. I wouldn't even look her way... I could never, ever speak about someone else's husband the way that she spoke about yours.
Keep the vents coming if you feel the need :) I'm always here & I'll continue to be enraged on your behalf.
can you go to hr maybe and file a harrassment charge against her? it is borderline harrassment due to her statements as well as her showing people that you don't know your pictures and a violation of your privacy.
I remember your previous post and I'm so sorry that you are still going through this....how awful!
Miss S. is really inappropriate and it actually sounds like she has crossed a boundary that could put her in serious trouble. Is there a human resources department where she teaches because I would definitely document and report these incidences to them (or her supervisor/boss). You shouldn't be put in a position where you have to hear these nasty and unsolicited comments from her (or anyone for that matter) AND you shouldn't be put in a position where you want to say something to her but don't feel comfortable (someone else of authority should seriously put her in her place).
The comments that she has made sounds like verbal/emotional harrassment which is just as serious as sexual harrassment and things of that nature. I would definitely be in support of you switching classes and getting away from this lady who sounds like she has serious issues.
(((((HUGS)))))
Whoa... to add to crebre: Did she take the photo album without your permission??? I'd totally bring this up with HR. She can't talk to you that way... or take your stuff.
Miss S has such a rotten attitude. She had to have known what she was saying would hurt you, but she knew you wouldn't say anything!
you're too nice. "One time would be fine with me but since then she always makes fun of him (to me...in class) and hinting I should have found someone better".
One time is NOT fine. I might sound harsh here, but honestly... I probably would have started crying in real life!
That is awful. Hideous. But is there any chance you could laugh it off (like, literally laugh at her for being such a cliche?) She is just so absolutely horrible that it is almost to such comedic proportions where the only thing left to do is feel sorry for her for having so few social skills.
It's like Michael Scott. As much as everyone wants to pull him aside and tell him that he is a douche, they know it won't change anything, so all they can do is find someone to roll their eyes with. I am sure everyone who knows this woman knows she is a beast.
I wouldn't ordinarily advocate talking behind someone's back, but it almost seems like it might be helpful to find out who feels the same way about her as you do so that when she starts again, you can roll your eyes and ice her out. When in the presence of a lunatic, it is always nice to have someone sane by your side reminding you that you are not the crazy person.
You really need to confront her immediately, the next time she says something like that about your husband. If you're afraid to do it to her face, write her a letter, telling her that it is inappropriate, and rude, and unkind for her to speak to you this way. Ugh!
Please post some of the photos here, so WE can gush over them! I bet you we will love the photos! My husband has way more than 40 pounds to lose, but he's still the sexiest and most handsome man in the world, to me!
Yeah, she sounds jealous/bitter. Is she always this rude? There's no excuse for those comments.
I totally agree that you should file a complaint with HR!! I think they would be especially interested in the way she took your album and showed it to people (w/o your permission?), the way she continues to make random comments about your husband & personal life DURING class (sooo unprofessional), AND the way she is creating a hostile work environment for you!!
I'm so sorry you have to deal with this! Maybe you should consider confronting her, even though it's tough, just for the vindication... switch the power dynamics!
Thanks everyone!! You all are making me feel better! I know a lot of you have responded since the last post and I really apreciate it!
After my last post I felt confident enough to actually draft up an e-mail to the manager...I felt like I had 20+ bees backing me up. Then I chickened out a bit because I felt like I should confront her before going to the manager, for the sake of us knowing each other for 2 years, but in the confrontation she would have made a scene. Plus I HATE confrontation...I'm so bad at it.
It's a class that could be replaced by anyone so I thought of just switching...I know it's avoiding the problem but I kind of shared the same feeling as jocelyn3476...she's hopeless.
I told her boldly that I chose my husband because of his brains (I still think he's cute in his own way though) but she simply replied "What good is that!".
sigh~
Dude... I want to punch her in the nose!
What good is brains? Uh...in 50 years we're all going to be wrinkly & our bodies will be falling apart. I'd choose brains over anything else. Who wants to be with a dope?
She is so superficial. Jocelyn is right: its borderline comical at how ridiculous this person is.
I noticed that you said he's cute in his own way... don't let her thoughts get to you! I'm sure he's an attractive man & he deserves props for starting to take care of his health! 30lbs lost + he stopped smoking? Bravo! Don't let her silly opinion make you think your husband is anything but a superstar. :)
You can confront this! We'll back you up in any way we can!
I fully support making a complaint!
But since that can have so many different outcomes, it's nice to know that you are prepared to deal with her regardless. For which I recommend a lot of obnoxious snorts when she talks and a well-deserved superiority complex.
I would much rather be with someone who found me attractive because I was ME - all those personality traits that make someone attractive - because otherwise what happens when you wake up with bedhead, or put on some weight? Marriage should be about more than looks!
And... she shouldn't go there, anyway. Not her place one bit.
I'm a lot like you, I can do confrontation in the moment, but beyond that, I always put off bringing it up. It might be easier just to talk to someone else about it.
Don't chicken out-- sometimes you NEED to confront people, to get things out in the open. Just do it, and you'll feel much better afterwards. Her behaviour is OUTRAGEOUS and completely unacceptable!
I would write a letter to her first, before involving HR. Let her know how out of line and rude these personal attacks are, and that if they persist, you will put in an official complaint with HR. Seriously, she's not one of your "buddies"-- she's a teacher and should be acting in a more professional manner.
I still think you should start a thread tomorrow with some of the pics, though, so we can oooooh and aaaaaah over them. :)
This behavior sounds utterly horrid. I can't believe that in this person mind saying that kind of stuff is even remotely ok . Sometimes in life we have to deal with outrageous behavior from others. Have you told her flat out how hurtful these comments are?
omg, what a BITCH! at the very least shes a burnt out man hater im guessing but what the ****.... who says things like that
if she starts up again i would be telling her that her comments are hurtful and unprofessional and she is to keep her comments to the course notes only
let me say it again - what a bitch!
i would have snapped. but that's just me~you don't talk about my man or my kids. i would change classes and also file a report. some people are just bitter and jealous. she can go and kick rocks and then play in highway traffic. maybe that's why she's a MISS and you are a MRS. lol
hmm, maybe shes just jealous..that is sooooooo rude, i too, would be soooo offended..
This is your professor, right? I can see why you didn't stand up to her since she controsl your grades. But goodness, you've got self control! I would have ripped her head off.
Switch classes. She's clearly a bully.
"Beauty and the Beast"???? That is totally beyond the pale. Don't show her anything; don't discuss your personal life. Avoid her as much as you can. Sheesh!
Girl, what she said was absolutely vicious. That goes way beyond inadvertent or just socially awkward or something. She's being horrible to you, and she's doing it on purpose. You need to say something to someone so she knows it is absolutely unacceptable to make awful comments about your husband, the man you love. Even if you hate confrontation, I think you should let your love for your husband drive you to stand up for him.
I'm so sorry to hear that. What a horrible thing to be told at such a joyful time in your life.
What a bitter, angry woman she is. You should try to take some comfort in the fact that her comments had way more to do with her own feelings about herself than her thoughts on your wedding or your husband. People put others down to prop themselves up.
But, it still hurts, very badly, I'm sure.
Her comments are rude and hurtful. If you can't confront her face to face, write her an email. If/When she reacts poorly, then bring it up with a dean (or supervisor). I would write something like this:
"I was excited to show you my wedding pictures. I worked hard to plan the wedding and my husband has been working hard on improving his health. Your comments were extremely hurtful and rude. I'm even more concerned about your comments because they represent an emerging pattern in your attitude towards me and my marriage. They have broken the bond of trust that we should have as a professor and student. Your comments leave me in a place where I have been seriously considering changes classes to avoid having to hear them. I would like to work things out, but this require a change in the way you address me and my husband. I will not tolerate you making inappropriate comments about his outward appearance. If you continue to do so, I will need to speak with the dean about it."
I'm so sorry that she's been saying such horrible things! I hope things take a turn for the better soon!
i wish i had a more constructive thing to say but...HOW RUDE IS SHE?! Ugh, is she like this about everything (bitter, cynical and just downright mean)?? If so, someone needs to report her, stat! That's not a happy work environment.
Sorry you're going through this. For me I had some great faculty and some completely socially inept faculty. I don't know if somehow a degree selects for this craziness or what. I would advocate for just being absolutely blunt with her. If she says something just say 'wow, that is so rude' or 'I hope I'm the only student you treat this way or I'm guessing you're not going for any teaching awards or I have no idea what that has to do with what is being taught or something. Some people are absolutely just rude and need to be told plainly and bluntly despite them being a 'superior'.
While I was getting my degree I had an advisor tell me the only way he knew students cared about their project is if he could make them cry about it - ugh. After a lab meeting where I had everything from an axis on my graph not being thick enough to a recent breakup with a boyfriend being brought up and getting yelled at for, I was definately beyond ranting, and all I was told in response was that no one will be this hard on you when you give a real presentation, I'm just preparing you for the worst so you'll always be ready.
I agree that she is very rude, but why are you sharing personal information with her if she is such a b***c about it? You are telling her your future plans, about your job, and hubby-just stop talking to her. You are setting yourself up to be hurt, and there is a way to put a stop to it-Just don't tell her anything.
She obviously can't handle being in a "superior" (using the word lightly) position and with people like that, it is pointless to get into a confrontation. They are bitter and angry about their own lives and take it out on others. At this point I think an email is pointless too-this has been going on for two years. Stop talking to her. I also don't understand why you are looking for her approval. You aren't going to get it. I'm not trying to be mean, but honestly it sounds a little ridiculous.
That lady sounds disgusting. You should switch classes and when she asks you why you did, you tell her that she's rude!
Wow. What a B. I had somebody at work once tell me my husband wasn't good-looking enough for me and it really pissed me off. To have somebody rant and rave at me like your teacher did is incredibly rude. Tacky. Obnoxious. Incredibly tasteless. And, unprofessional. Since she does it all the time, I'd tell her, point blank, that it's nto appropriate for her to say somethign like that. Now, if you're in college, I doubt it'll do yoiu much good to complain to a supervisor. At that age, you're expected to be able to confront issues with your professors. You probably need to meet with her after class and tell her that you really think her behavior is out of line. Or, next tmie she asks, just say, "no...you never have anything nice to say". it's true. Man, what a bitch. Seriously.
I'm kind of confused. Is this happening at work or at school? Is there some sort of overlap between where you work and where you are a student?
I think there are different ways to handle this depending on whether this woman is considered your teacher or someone you work with, but I imagine the lines can get blurred in a grad school program.
What a B****!!!!!!
I would definitely say something... but if you aren't comfortable with that I agree with lamb to write her an email!
Is it doable to change classes - how would this affect your future schooling?
I think confronting her instead of running away would benefit you in the long run. This way you still have choice and freedom of classes instead of avoiding Miss. S. and someone really has to let this woman know that she can't talk about others in this way!
Good luck - keep us posted!
P.S. I really want to punch her in the face for you!
Ugh, reading what she said literally makes me feel sick to my stomach. I am so sorry that she said those things to you...what a punk! I really hope that you are able to resolve things, whether it is switching classes, or possibly taking action in another way! I feel your pain though, the thought of confronting someone is really uncomfortable! Be brave! She doesn't have the right to make you feel bad...she should know better!
I agree with lamb!
I would have so told her off if that was me though! I wouldn't want someone telling me that my wedding day looked horrible.
I would write her an email & if that doesn't work, go to someone above her & complain. I would switch out of that class.
Thanks everyone! Your replies have been so helpful, and they have made me think a lot! You all are so supportive!
I talked to some students who I know take her class and they all agree she has this “bad a**-rolling-my-eyes, I-know-everything” attitude but they kind of like her for that. So I guess it’s not only me but I’m the one she happened to pick on about a sensitive issue.
Anyways, I’m going to e-mail her about it (finally) AND switch classes. I decided that this class is totally replaceable and I’m paying a lot of money for it, I need to be with a teacher I like.
@jocelyn3476 you’re going to think I’m ridiculous coz this class is not even leading to a degree and still I let her be mean to me! It’s a foreign language class I go to (right after work) so I can pass the language proficiency test in order to qualify to apply for a Doctoral course that happens to require you to know 3 languages (exam results required). All the student s in class are there for different reasons but we were supposed to share are goals in the beginning so the intensity of the class can be customized to each student (that’s why she know everything about my career). Writing this out to you helped make me understand that there’s no need for me to be scared of confronting her.
@flamingred good point. I was bothered too much about getting her acceptance which is a waste of time. Since this is a foreign language class and we have to talk a lot about ourselves (writing essays, conversation). On top of that most students at my level are taking the proficiency exam this year but I decided to postpone it ( because I wanted to focus on the wedding and changing my job) so when I had to explain why …I guess I let too much of my personal life out …I should have known by then that she was so insensitive.
@jhphi I’ll post some pictures:) I learned my lesson, I’m happy and confident with my pictures no matter what anyone says!
Thank you bees!! I think I’m going to do my best to move on and learn from it! And I’ll stop letting rude comments from insensitive people get to me:)
I bet she's jealous. But you should definitely say something to her along the lines of I don't appreciate you speakign that way about my husband.
Good - I am glad you are switching teachers. This woman is toxic & you do NOT need her in your life!!
switch classes she is jealous of you my dear!!!!!! Point blank she is a BITCH!
Keep your head up there are WEIRD people in this world
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