Very upset, fiance canceled engagement…

posted 3 years ago in Emotional
Post # 3
217 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: May 2012

That was difficult to read because of the one big paragraph..but I go through it.  It soulds to me like he isn’t ready to jump into another marraige.  He wanted a two-year engagement because he thought that in two years he would be ready and he wanted to make you happy by proposing.  When everything got fast tracked he freaked.  He’s not ready for what you want.  

I think that you should be very clear with him that you are willing to postpone the wedding to a date that makes him comfortable but I think he’s spooked and doesn’t want to be engaged right now and I don’t know if he’ll ever be ready for that level of commitment again.  Since his divorce from his ex was ugly be may be scared to put that level of trust in somebody again.

Good luck and be strong.  You get a say in how your life goes.  If you think he’s jerking you around then you should take control and leave.  It’s your life.

Post # 4
2042 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: September 2013

@faith0126:  He is right.  You are going about this in the wrong wrong way.  He has been there and done that…..LISTEN to him!  It seems your engagement was more about you getting attention rather than getting married since you wanted to get engaged at a certain time so kids could see it….really…come on!  You have only been together a year and a half, that is not very long. He obviously recognizes that and wants to wait but you dont care.  You are going about this engagement in the wrong way.  You should have just enjoyed the first few months of being engaged without the added stress of a wedding.  If he stays with you, you need to chill. 

Post # 5
2962 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: April 2013

I agree with PPs. You ARE rushing and pressuring him. You need to chill and slow things down. Sure he proposed but when reality set in for him this is really happening, he freaked out. Consider his feelings. It sounds like he loves you and wants to marry you ONE DAY but not rite now. Also, don’t start an arguement in front of his parents and kids. Keep arguements inside the home. Sounds like you want the wedding more than the marraige. Work on slowing things down and strengthening your relationship before jumping into wedding plans.


Post # 6
855 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: March 2008

@faith0126:  I read through the entire first part of your post and all I could keep thinking is this is so much about you, and very little about him. You wanted to control EVERYTHING. You wanted to get married this time even though he wanted to do this, so you pushed him for his. You wanted this and all he could do is go along with it. The only compromise I read is where he went along with what you wanted. I have to agree with @jesssamesssa when she says that it appears that this was more about you getting attention. I understand that as a teacher your kids grow on you and they become important, but honestly? It’s this year’s kids and next year it’ll be another set of kids and then another and the chances are nil that any of these children are so important that you’d be inviting them to your wedding, so that honestly sounds like an excuse. Maybe it was more like you wanted to be able to show all your coworkers because kids don’t care about weddings. Not like that.

I hate to say it, but I think he made a good call on this one. You’re not ready to listen to him and until it’s no longer all about you,, he needs to stay away.

Post # 7
4819 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: May 2012

It sounds like he was pushed into the comittment you wanted on your timeline…

Post # 8
2355 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: September 2014

I got the same impression as PP. It seems like every aspect of your proposal and timeline was dictated by you, and I think it freaked him out. I don’t know what you should do at this point. He doesn’t sound like he wants to split up, but he does sound like he wants to put the brakes on.

Post # 9
8720 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: September 2013

@vmec:  this. Number one reason why I disagree with giving someone a timeline. If and when they want to do it, they will.

Post # 10
967 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: June 2013

I think he made the right call. Stop pressuring him. He’s probably already gunshy from his first failed marriage. It takes time to really get over something like that.

Post # 11
3570 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: September 2011

I think you need to focus on the relationship and not on the wedding stuff.  Don’t be asking about whether you should throw out wedding magazines.  That is such silly stuff.  I would stop interrupting him when he is talking.  I find that to be such an obnoxious, disrespectful habit.  You are emasculating him in every way, including the way you communicate.

Post # 12
11379 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: April 2012

@faith0126:  i agree with your ex fi.  it sounds like you did control the entire engagement.  he wanted a longer engagement, did you listen to him.  no.

he has already been married and is still going through battles with his ex wife.  he probably doesn’t want to start a new life with all of this over his head still.   have you even considered his feelings?  allow him the time to gain proper closure from that, mentally and emotionally.  it’s very draining, trust me.  he doesn’t need the added pressure.

he made the right call.  if he’s worth it to you, you will wait until he is ready.

Post # 13
1254 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: June 2012

Boy, I struggled reading through your post! Anyway, if you really love him, you would give him time to come around and do the whole thing on his own. Like previous posters mentioned, he has been through marriage and divorce and he needs time to come to terms with his feelings. Just give him time and don’t be suffocating. You got engaged a month ago and already have a bunch of wedding-related things done. That is too fast for him! Take his feelings into consideration and act according to his wishes too!

Post # 14
117 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: June 2014

@faith0126:  i also agree with PP. he clearly loves you, but you are def pushing it on him and not thinking enough about his needs and his fears. you need to take a step back. from your post it seems you are a tiny bit aggressive concerning the whole marraige/wedding thing. you love him, but you clearly have your own agenda and he’s trying to stay afloat in your universe. he proposed to you and suddenly EVERYTHING was being decided in 2 weeks. that’s very overwhelming and a lot for a man to handle all at once.

the need to be married, engaged, having babies, etc. has the potential to really cloud our minds and judgement and put us into a false competition with ourselves and everyone around us. a wedding and a ring mean nothing if the relationship is not good and it seems to me he cares more about the RELATIONSHIP (as he should) than he does about a wedding. both partners need to feel good for things to work out and he’s right; you are taking away his voice and his ability to make decisions in his own life which, if i were a man, would scare me a lot when looking into my future with you. 

for now just calm down. take a good look at yourself and don’t be in such a rush for everything. the problem isn’t him, it’s you. he CLEARLY still loves you and wants to be with you focus on seeing how you look through HIS eyes and what made him back away from you.

best of luck! 


Post # 15
3635 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: May 2012

Another vote to give the guy some time to recover from his first failed marriage before forcing him into another one.

Post # 16
9019 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: September 2012

@DJones69:  +1.  This exactly.

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