Very upset – what would you do?

posted 3 years ago in Emotional
Post # 3
Member
944 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: September 2013

@sauerdragon:  Based on their history, if he was invited on your trip I would flat-out cancel and tell your mom to enjoy their little honeymoon together.

Secondly, do NOT move back home. Your mom needs therapy, and you are not a therapist. She has serious emotional issues and you will be in the middle of it all.

I’m sorry,this is a shitty situation.

Post # 4
Member
3223 posts
Sugar bee

@sauerdragon:  I think you need to tell your mom that you cannot and will not hear any more about Mike.  She can’t expect you to have a wonderful relationship with him, when she’s been shit talking everything about their relationship and how shitty he’s been for a year.

As for not moving home.  Do you have other options?  I personally think moving home is a mistake for almost everyone.  Get an apartment and live on your own.

Post # 6
Member
964 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: October 2014

@sauerdragon:  I think it’s hard for you to see that your mom is also a woman who struggles to navigate her relationships, just as many of us do. She is an older woman and probably doesn’t want to be alone forever, but realistically, there are less options available the older you get. It sounds like Mike is not a bad person and cares about her. And there were probably things going on that she didn’t tell you about. I highly doubt she “convinced” him to go to the movies and on a date. They are on-again, off-again; they clearly have feelings for each other, were probably talking throughout, etc. Men don’t come over to do chores for women they are over. And Mike WANTED TO MARRY YOUR MOM. That’s good. I hate it when the woman is chasing after the man. 

And it does sound like you’re making this about you. You are going to be out of school soon and hopefully have a job, starting your own family, etc. Be willing to put up with some “stress” if it means your mother’s long-term happiness. And I don’t think sharing a house with your mom and her BF/FI will kill you.

I do admit that it was weird of your mom to want Mike to go on the vacation but maybe she was just saying that as her “in” to tell you they were back together.

 

 

Post # 9
Member
1882 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: September 2014

@sauerdragon:  you are your mother’s daughter, not her friend or her therapist, and I’m sure you guys are super close but she cannot be putting you in this position. She cannot vent to you about this bad relationship and expect unconditional support when she decides to go back to him. And as her good, loving daughter, you do NOT have to support or enable her bad decisions. Make it clear to her that although you love her very much and will always be there for her, you think being with Mike is a mistake and you would rather vacation without him and cannot live with her if he will be living there too. She might not take it well, but your feelings matter too, just as much as hers do. As a good daughter, you can be respectful of her relationship, but nowhere does it say you have to like him.

Post # 11
Member
1802 posts
Buzzing bee

I would avoid being anywhere close to this situation for any period of time, so no I wouldn’t go back home this weekend, and I definitely wouldn’t rent the basement from mom. If you have to find some roommates and spend a little bit more money then I would just to avoid being the person mom comes to complain about everything to. If Mike does end up coming on the graduation trip I would also tell her you’re not going. That is supposed to be a special trip, and Mike being there would probably take away a lot of that specialness. It doesn’t sound like your mom is open to reasoning here, and it honestly sounds like she somehow manipulated Mike into coming back to her because he didn’t sound interested before. 

Post # 13
Member
2355 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: September 2014

@sauerdragon:  Honestly, by the end of your post, I was hoping that they got back together. Mike sounds like a decent guy to me, and 7 years is a long time.

Post # 15
Member
1882 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: September 2014

@sauerdragon:  let her talk about him. And then say neutral things like “that’s nice” and “sounds interesting” or “oh, that’s too bad” and change the subject as quickly (and discreetly) as you can. If you don’t respond or react in any way, she will have to find someone else to discuss him with.

Like I said, even if you know it’s a mistake, it’s unfortunately not your place as your mom’s daughter to keep her from making that mistake. She’s a grown woman and has to make her own choices. If they break up again, she will get through it.

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