Very, very overbearing future in laws.

posted 2 years ago in Family
Post # 2
Member
398 posts
Helper bee

You simply don’t discuss your plans with them. You and your fiancé look for the type of place you want to buy / rent and communicate the news after the deal is concluded. Any suggestions from the in-laws have to be met with “thanks, we will have to think about it and will let you know”. If you feel that this does not help, you will have to be blunt and tell them there is no way you can live in that specific house. Accompany this with “as nice as it would be to live next door to you” and other flattery as needed. Obviously, if they buy the house without your agreement, it is their problem and you should not feel obligated to repay.

Post # 3
Member
769 posts
Busy bee

So sorry you are going through this 🙁

I would have a real hard time with this to be honest. I am no parent, but I would not want to force my kids to do something they do not want to do. I do not think this behaviour  from their end is at all healthy for him or you.

How does SO act when they act pushy and bully him? How does he feel about moving next to them?

Post # 4
Member
996 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: July 2016

That sounds really rough. What are your FI’s reactions to the way his parents try to keep him close? 

I can identify – my parents have been very insistent about the necessity of my living near them. At the moment though, I live on a different continent, so in reality our relationship is not what it used to be.

At the end of the day, you and your FI have to be up front, honest, and unapologetic about what you two want. A united front is the ONLY way to communicate with them, and really it is more his responsibility than yours to say no to them. If they feel he is only saying no to them in order to please you, that will be incredibly destructive for your relationship with them over the long term.

I don’t have much advice unfortunately, except honesty. I hope it works out..

Post # 5
Member
3828 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: November 1999

Your SO has to stand up for himself.  My DH has a very manipulative mother.  She uses alot of sob stories to get him to do what she wants.  He said it was just less of a headache to give in and do what she wanted.  

Then i came a long and said “um, no.”  I told him he wasn’t a child and it was his responsibilities to set boundaries and compromise when necessary. The key was compromise, not give in.  It took awhile, but he finally started standing up to her and she backed down alot and realized the mind tricks didn’t work on us anymore. 

However, you have to realize though we are alot happier now,  his mom treats us like the black sheep. We’re the only kids who have stood up to her. But thats fine by me. Making our own decisions and living OUR life has made us closer and much happier anyway. 

But it has to be your SO to stand his ground and let everything they throw at him fall off his back. 

Post # 6
Member
677 posts
Busy bee

Only solution is for him to be very firm.

Post # 7
Member
2657 posts
Sugar bee

You guys need to keep doing what you want to do with homebuying, but you need to keep his family out of the discussion.  I know that this is hard considering that he works with his dad, but it needs to happen.  They are just going to find more ways to emotionally reel him in or make him feel obligated to stay close to them (even though there is nothing they can legally do to make him contribute to that house if they were to buy it).  This needs to be done by your SO.  If you were the one to bring this up with them, it would be an opportunity for them to try and manipulate him against you.

I am an only child who works for the family company, so I completely understand the issues he is having.  It becomes very hard to separate things when parents are a huge part of work and personal life.  I found a good set of boundaries after meeting my husband and my parents are involved in our lives without being overbearing or manipulative.  This doesn’t work for everyone, though.  If they are truly trying to manipulate his professional life for their own gain, he needs to set up boundaries ASAP or consider moving to a new company.

Post # 8
Member
716 posts
Busy bee

I don’t think this is your problem to fix.  It is up to your FI to stand his ground.  Your role could be to provide a listening ear for his frustrations, but your FI has to be able to stand his ground on his own.

Post # 10
Member
906 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: May 2011

There’s no need to discuss any of your plans with them. If you don’t want their input, don’t tell them what you’re thinking about doing. Just do what you want and tell them afterwards. And if they bring it up: “We have to think about it. We’ll let you know what we’ve decided.” 

Post # 13
Member
996 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: July 2016

kayleighclaire:  You should be worried if your FI has trouble standing up to them. This is something that could become a lifelong issue, with him feeling “in the middle” of you and his parents.. I would sit him down and discuss long-term in-law strategy. I know it sounds ridiculous but I’m not kidding.. it’s very easy to become the “she-devil” in this situation. 

Post # 15
Member
769 posts
Busy bee

I agree with PP that it is worrysome he is having a hard time standing up to them. Thsi situation will affect you in the long term. It’s really unfair that they want to dictate how he should lead his life. What is it going to happen when you have kids? If they can dictate how their grown son lives, they will likely try to dictate how your future kids should be treated (assuming you guys want them).

Does he see a theraphist to work through his issues? 

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