Post # 1
How does your guy view marriage?
Although I know we will eventually be engaged and married, I can’t help but be saddened and almost hurt by his views on marriage. He told me last night… ‘Why do I need the government and the church (which we don’t go to nor believe in per se) to say I’m married? We’re together, we know we’ll be together, and we don’t need a piece of paper to show it.’
Well, needless to say I absolutely do not feel the same way. Marriage means more to me than that. A lot more. He is a very, very simple person and tends to take things at face value. Some of his views on things I believe lack a deep or emotional understanding of the topic. I don’t know if he’s always had these views or if they’ve been brought about by us talking about marriage. Either way, I don’t see it as “normal” but they are his views and opinions so I feel I should respect them. We had a great conversation about it last night with no arguing, so that was good 🙂
However, it makes me almost think twice to even get married if he doesn’t see the point in it.
Post # 3
People always have different views, it has no weight on his love or commitment to you.
I felt like him, we don’t want to have kids, so we thought “why get married really?” but then the same question was in our minds “why not?”
We were more comfortable moving forward in our lives together (i.e, buying a house) only after we were married. Plus being married is fun!
But, try not to be hurt by his views, its just an opinion & also guys arn’t as sensitive as us women and don’t always see eye to eye. Just know that even though this is his opinion, he is pushing that aside and getting married; plus at the wedding he will prob be a big baby of love & joy; guys like this typicall are 🙂
Post # 4
I agree, as long as he’s committed to you and saying that he wants to be with you forever, I wouldn’t worry too much.
My hubby is more traditional. He was all about getting married.
Post # 5
Before we got engaged, DH knew that marriage was important to me and he always said that we’d get married, since it was important for me, but that if his girlfriend didn’t want to be married, he would have been fine with that as well.
To me, you weren’t really committed if you just said you’re committed and didn’t make that commitment official.. To him, marriage shouldn’t change the relationship; it was just a piece of paper.
That changed when we got engaged. It did change our relationship, and for the better. He didn’t see that coming, and neither did I. As important as marriage was to me, I didn’t think our relationship would change. However, we felt more committed than before, and it was like a weight had been lifted off our shoulders (I am using his words here).
I have to say though, for us, the step between dating and getting engaged was bigger than the one between engaged and married. Probably because the decision to spend our lives together was already made, and the marriage was simply making it more official.
Maybe he’ll see it when you get there.
Post # 6
My FI feels kind of the same but the way he’s explained it I feel like its actually kind of sweet. To him, he feels we’re already married. He said as soon as he asked and I said yes, we committed to spend our lives together and the rest is just details. I think its kind of cool that he views our commitment as something more important and internal than state-sanctioned paperwork. 🙂
Post # 7
I think it comes down to doing what you both feel comfortable with. If you really want to get married and he doesnt see why (or does he care or not?) then I think if it is important to you he’d do it. Which is stronger? You wanting to get married, or him not wanting to “just because”?
I can speak for myself. DH and I are not very religious and I knew from the beginning he was the marrying kind, as was I. He proposed after a year of dating and we were both ready. He just knew that once he found the right person he wanted to get married – he just always has I guess.
–His brother on the other hand seems a lot like original posters guy. He seems to have very similar views on things and I have no clue where he gets his stuff from sometimes!! It can be frustrating with him because often he doesn’t know why he feels that way, is very stuborn and rather anti go with the flow (just for the heck of it?) while being totally introverted.
Post # 8
Although my guy hasn’t come out and said those actual words, I kind of feel like that’s what he’s thinking. I just want to shake him around and scream and somehow force him to feel the same as I do…..but something tells me that won’t work, lol.
I agree with basically everything CorgiTales wrote, but sometimes it’s not so sweet for me. More often than not, the frustration builds and today I blew up at him. I told him at the rate he’s going we’ll never be married, and he just sighed heavily and went into the bedroom for a nap. It’s a sucky feeling.
Post # 9
@gocubbies: I don’t think marriage is necessary to validate a relationship. I DO think that it is necessary to provide certain legal privilages and protections. I want to be able to know what is going on with my husband medically if he is in the hospital, for example. I want to be legally entitled to our estate if he should die before me, and vice versa. There are a lot of reasons to be married that have nothing to do with “the government or church approving your relationship”
Post # 10
I had the same comment said to me by my BF, and then I mentioned, “Well…it was more meaningful when I was separated and divorced than it would be if I just broke up with him.”
Then I also added, “How do you feel about commonlaw marriages? I mean, skip the whole ceremony, party, and just live together and have kids?”
He was totally against it. Ask if he’d ever do that, and if he does…maybe then it’ll be time to think about what your relationship means to him?
Post # 11
I agree with @crayfish: despite it being a goverment or religious committment if you’re smart you won’t let those legal benefits pass you by! I want to have the power to say when it’s time to pull the plug in an emergency (and yes we’ve discussed this). I am his wife and I alone hold that power if I’m alive and capable. It’s an important thing to keep in mind if you’ve already decided you’re already committed and pretty much married. pretty much, not legally.
Post # 12
I never got the whole “what’s the big deal about marriage, it’s just a piece of paper” commitmentphobe mantra. If it’s not a big deal and you know your partner really wants to get married, why not do it then? I mean, it’s not a big deal, right?
Truth is, it is a big deal and your guy knows it, otherwise he wouldn’t fight you on it. It really is that simple. I heard this somewhere, I can’t remember where specifically but truer words have never been spoken (or written):
“If a guy says he ‘doesn’t want to get married, ever’ what that really means is he doesn’t want to marry you.”
As for my guy’s views on marriage, he’s all about it. We both agreed that we wouldn’t want to buy a house together or have kids together without being married. There’s just too many potential legal ramifications to both, not to mention other legal benefits that only apply to married couples.
Post # 13
@AudzinLuv: to be clear… the reason i probably think it is sweet is because we ARE getting married. He didn’t delay a proposal at all because he does think that proposals are important (something to signify moving from dating to forever)… he just doesn’t really get the whole wedding thing and doesn’t think the transition from engaged to married is nearly as important as the one from dating to engaged.
Post # 14
I thought I’d weigh in a bit, because I feel the same way about marriage that your partner does. Weddings have never been my “thing,” and I always assumed that I wouldn’t get married, or that if I did I would just sign the piece of paper. You might or might not be too quick to dismiss your fiancé’s feelings as “not deep” or “simple”; speaking only for myself, my ideas about marriage are very well thought out.
Now, while my attitudes haven’t changed, my life has. Most importantly, I’m deeply in love with a guy who wants to get married. So I’m trying to get into the whole wedding thing – and this website has really helped me get over my original discomfort. And as for real life, as other posters have mentioned, it DOES help us immensely financially, immigrationally (new word FTW!), and beaurocratically to get married. Moreover, our grandparents and our parents are getting older and sicker alarmingly quickly these days, and when we talked about that we decided that it would mean the world to them to see us get married.
So, that’s where I’m coming from. If you think it would help or you’d just like to chat, gocubbies, I’d be more than happy to talk about it more – message me if you’d like!
Post # 15
I honestly used to feel very similar to how your guy feels until a couple months before i got engaged…thats when i got marriage fever lol! so everyone’s viewpoints while they are different are also subject to be changed, However, i do see his point(trying not to be too biased because i agree lol) In it’s simplest form, a marriage certificate is simply a piece of papaer [ that does get you additional tax/healthcare benefits 😉 ] It is what you do at your ceremoy that makes things truly special. Maybe if you talk less about “getting married” and more about proclaiming your love things he may respond differently…or maybe he wont. Im not sure what you guys living situation but speaking from experience (me and FI have been cohabitating longer then we’ve been together…lol) Once you guys start living together and paying bills together you may find it easier if you can do it as a unit…or maybe you wont. The most important thing is that both you and your guy are comfortable with whatever you guys choose!
Post # 16
“However, it makes me almost think twice to even get married if he doesn’t see the point in it.”
It would be hard to marry someone who doesn’t believe in marriage anyway.