virgin husband can't ejaculate

posted 3 years ago in Intimacy
Post # 3
7019 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: November 1999

@TAlexander48:  Wait, so he used to masturbate? So that means physically he can ejaculate, yes? If so it sounds like “performance anxiety”.

Do you get to orgasm? Perhaps in the short term he can bring you to orgasm then take care of himself later. Then if he gets used to that, the next step is take care of himself with you watching. And eventually get over his anxiety hopefully.

But if none of that works then yes you’ve got to get him to a doctor.

Post # 4
220 posts
Helper bee

@TAlexander48:   First of all, Dont let this define your relationship!!! Think for a minute ‘why did you marry each other?’ let me guess, you are bonkers about each other?

Maybe try NOT having actual intercourse and spend some time necking until your both turned on and then stop.

Try that a few times and just relax! your both beginners so nerves and expectations are bound to be in both your minds.

Im sure he thinks your gorgeous 🙂

Post # 5
716 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: June 2014

@TAlexander48:  Maybe you guys just need to slow down. Light some candles and give each other massages with warm oil. Caress, stroke, learn each others bodies. Let some anticipation build without any expectation. The next night, put on something sexy and trying giving him a blow job. See if that helps release some tension. Just relax and don’t let him feel pressured. 

Post # 6
7997 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: December 2013

Try lube.

It’s normal for him to jerk off sometimes… it says nothing about you.


Post # 7
3659 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: August 2013

It sounds like he’s stressed out. I’d be willing to bet that it will resolve itself without you having to do anything different once the two of you get more comfortable with each other.

Post # 8
7185 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: February 2013

Sex takes practice, it’s not like the movies! I will tell you that the more pressure you put on him, the more performance anxiety he might get. Try not to take it so personally that he can’t ejaculate yet.


Post # 9
327 posts
Helper bee

@TAlexander48:  this sounds like performance anxiety, getting angry with him will only make it worse.  I don’t know either of you at all but I think its extremely unlikely that he cheated on you.  Try to stay calm and understanding.

Post # 10
3557 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: August 2014

I’ve heard of a thing where when guys are more used to masterbating than actual sex they develop this kind of death grip when they masterbate. Later when they have sex with a woman the vagina doesn’t grip the penis as tight as they did with their hand and they are unable to finish because they are conditioned to the death grip. Do you think that might be a possibility?

If it is the problem, he will have to take some time and uncondition himself. A good way to do that is to only masterbate with the non-dominant hand, and make a conscious effort to not grip as tightly. I think Dan Savage wrote an article about it.

Post # 11
3889 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: September 2011

Ok first off, masturbation isn’t cheating; it’s normal, natural, and healthy, so you need to get that thought out of your head right away, and I hope you’re not shaming him into hiding it or lying about it. 

If you’re having sex for 40 minutes and he’s not ejaculating, he may be nervous. You may want to try increasing foreplay and having less actual intercourse; try different positions, as some positions can be more pleasurable to some men than others. Use lubes to keep both of you moist and reduce any chafing. If you’ve been having intercourse for a while (15 minutes of actual intercourse maybe?) consider asking him to “finish” by masturbating while you watch, or while you help. There’s a lot of things you can do; just keep trying until you figure out what works. He’s not got any experience so he’s not going to be an expert, nor will he learn how his body works and responds in a few short months.

go see a sex therapist if there’s no relief.

not sure why you’d assume he might be hiding that he’s gay though, and that’s another thought you have to get out of your mind. 

Post # 12
2291 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: Central Park

It could be a lot of things. Circumcision dulls the gland so that it takes longer to ejaculate. Plus, men do a LOT of work uring sex. It could just be that he’s getting too hot or tired during sex and can’t reach orgasm because of fatigue. Also, it can take virgin men a while to learn how to hold an erection during sex. I’d suggest doing lots of foreplay, adding a cock ring and some warming lube, then having sex and change position frequently until he finds the right one. Some men can only cum from one position like doggy. You can also do girl on top and take control to give him a break if he starts getting tired. I doubt he would have married you if he thought you were hideous, try not to put so much pressure on the orgasm.

Post # 13
169 posts
Blushing bee

Wow. Poor guy. He doesn’t come the first couple of times he has sex so you wonder if he might be gay?

Sex shouldn’t be a race to the finish. Maybe take the pressure off a bit so he can actually enjoy himself too!

Post # 15
420 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: September 2014

@TAlexander48:  I can understand why your husband’s inability to ejaculate is causing you to feel inadequate or unattractive.  I know this is how I would feel if I were in your situation.  However, I would try really hard to not blame either one of you for what is happening.  Try to avoid thinking that he is secretly gay, or that he was cheating on you for masturbating – those thoughts really aren’t going to help the situation any.  But also believe him when he tells you that he is attracted to you.  Sometimes when you just start out with a new partner, things are difficult.  When you’re one another’s first partners those difficulties can seem even more exaggerated.  

Take it slow!  Just make out and don’t do anything else, then give masages – so on and so forth.  Don’t make sex the main event – that is probably adding a lot of pressure for both of you.

Once you are both more comfortable with one another and your bodies, perhaps you can encourage him to continue masturbating while you are both trying to work through sexual issues.  Maybe you can have intercourse until you are satisfied then he can “finish” on his own.  You may also want to try different positions, hand jobs or oral sex to see what kind of stimulation works best for him.  Have him show you what he likes.  If you are using condoms, maybe consider switching to something else as condoms can sometimes cause a lack of stimulation for men.

If after a few weeks or months of experimenting, you might want to consider seeing a sex therapist if you both feel there isn’t any improvement.

Finally – lube may be very helpful for you so that sex does not become so painful.



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