Virginity and my wedding… (advice? stories?)

posted 3 years ago in Intimacy
Post # 3
Member
7195 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: November 1999

@kittywolf13:  I was married 20+ years ago (I’m her as a MOB-to-be) but at least where I lived, being a virgin was uncommon even then. I don’t think a lot’s changed in the last 20-odd years. (e.g. About half a dozen people where I worked married around the same time, and I was the only one not living with my SO).

Wear whatever you want. I didn’t wear a veil even though it supposedly signifies virginity. And I know plenty of non-virgins who did wear a veil.

As for the wedding night… have LOW expectations of the actual sex. I mean being intimate together is wonderful in itself, so in that sense it was one of the most wonderful nights of my life. But the sex was painful and almost nothing went to plan. But it improved quickly!

Especially if you’re waiting because you’re a Christian, I recommend this site: http://themarriagebed.com

ETA: Re birth control – we used condoms mainly. We eventually had a happy “oops”, but that was after 6+ years of using them successfully. We decided we were prepared to take the risk (since we wanted kids eventually anyway). We went “bareback” at times I was meant to be infertile, which is probably how we had our “oops”. I did go on the pill at first but didn’t like it and went off it after about 6 months, but it had the nice side effect that I could time my period to miss my wedding night. And tampons are very safe, I recommend them even pre-marriage 🙂

Post # 4
Member
2355 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: September 2014

Just relax and have fun. It will probably be awkward and not-so-awesome at first, but with lots of fun practice, it will become amazing. : )

Kudos to you for doing this. It’s amazingly special that your first time is going to be with your husband.

Post # 5
Member
236 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: October 2013

@kittywolf13:  Kudos to you, girl! FI and I both wish we would have waited, but he had been with several other girls and lived with a girl for a year before we met and I also had been in a long-term relationship. Once you start having sex it’s hard not to.

All I can say is relax! It must be really sweet to explore this with your husband for the first time. I know this may be TMI, but especially considering you don’t use tampons maybe you should buy a toy and sort of “prepare” yourself if you guys don’t already do insertion when you fool around. It is different for everyone, but losing my V card was really painful for me and it bled. If you don’t want to do that then take things slow and be gentle. Foreplay is your friend.

As far as BC, if you aren’t using a condom I would say pull out. FI and I did it for nearly a year, but it doesn’t work for everyone. If he is a virgin it will be even harder for him to control it. Good luck!

Post # 6
Member
10986 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: May 2009

I actually share your values, and so does my DH, though he had been married before for more than 20 years and has four children.

Because of my faith, and by the grace of God, I was a 47-year-old virgin — by choice — when I married my DH.

I, too, chose a light-ivory dress, because silk doesn’t come in bright white, and I wanted a 100-percent silk (for the fabric) gown.

My DH and I both had compromised to some extent beyond kissing in some prior  dating relationships and were resolute that we would do nothing but passionate kissing before marriage, so the transition from our dating and being engaged to being married was a very dramatic one.

For decades, I had built up in my head this romantic and wonderful image of what my wedding night and honeymoon would be like. I spent a boatload of money on our honeymoon suite at our departure-city hotel and our five-star, top-notch resort in the Caribbean. However, things did not  work out exactly as I had envisioned. 🙂

I had been under SO much stress and pressure with working full time, trying to sell my house, having an LDR with a crazy-busy single dad who lived a six-hour round trip away, pretty much single-handedly planning a semi-destination wedding that was a three-hour round trip (without traffic) away from where I lived, and dealing with all kinds of last-minute stress and a some major snags the day before  (my car wouldn’t start; AAA couldn’t help, and I had to wait for rental to get to the salon and rehearsal and rehearsal dinner; the rehearsal-dinner venue promised us their front room and, instead, gave us a single, long, row of banquette seating in front of the kitchen and leading to the bathroom — no ability for speeches or group interaction) and the day of the wedding (barely slept; had to fit in a pedi that I couldn’t make the day before due to the car fiasco; had to make that long trip to the venue again during heavy, holiday-weekend traffic with two traffic accidents blocking lanes along the way; our timeline at the wedding fell apart and I never got to talk with or even greet the vast majority of our guests — I was CRUSHED beyond words), so I was not anywhere near  happy, excited, relaxed or ready for romance on my wedding night. In fact, I was majorly stressed out, completely shocked and upset that my wedding was OVER, my parents had spent tens of thousands of dollars, and I hadn’t even had the chance to greet  people or introduce my DH to them; and utterly exhausted from not having had a good night’s sleep for several days. To top it off, due to the lack of sleep and extreme stress, I began getting sick about two hours before the wedding, and I had a sore-throat and runny nose for the majority of our honeymoon.

So, needless to say, all of my planning and dreaming didn’t really unfold the way I had hoped, haha.

As for the intimacy factor, it was definitely quite  different to have a switch flipped that went from “we’re not allowed to spend the night in the same room or see each other undressed or touch each other inappropriately” to “HELLO! — we’re MARRIED” haha. However, we gradually did accomplish all of that in various stages while on our honeymoon.

Post # 8
Member
1754 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: July 2012

I was a virgin on my wedding night. I wore ivory on my wedding day. No one cared except my mother-in-law. The rules for colour of dress and veils are much more relaxed now – no one is going to see anything but a beautiful bride no matter what type of veil or colour of dress you choose!

As for birth control, Planned Parenthood has a great online quiz which helps you choose which birth control is a good option for you: 

http://www.plannedparenthood.org/all-access/my-method-26542.htm

Two or three tips for your wedding night:

Buy lube. Don’t be afraid to use it. It will make everything more comfortable.

Tell him what you like or what you don’t like. If it’s awkward to use words, then make happy noises. He’ll figure it out fast.

Buy a book. Seriously. I know it might be awkward to look at diagrams and read all about it, but it can help. Start with something simple and comprehensive – The Joy of Sex is a good place to start.  

Post # 9
Member
528 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: June 2012

I reccomend using a condom… maybe atleast the first time. Hes going to be super sensitive down there and he will go quick and might now know how to control his sperm. I would have him wear a condom to be safe.

Post # 11
Member
1234 posts
Bumble bee

I’m answering as someone who has had sex and isn’t married.First, I want to say that wearing ivory is fine! Plenty of non-virgin brides wear white— why can’t it go the other way around? 🙂

I’m not really sure what to tell you to expect, as a lot of that depends on you and your SO. But I can share my experience (and try not to give TMI). It was really special- he lit candles and incense and we took a shower together before. We started off in missionary, but that kind of hurt- it was like I was too small and the walls were keeping him out, so I ended up on top, which was sooo much better. The angle helped, and I could control the speed and pressure. It definitely made for a better experience. We also used lots of lube, since it was my first time.

Now, on birth control, it really depends on how bad you want to prevent a pregnancy. If you’re okay with an “oops” you can try charting your cycle, or using the withdrawal method (although I really don’t reccomend that for a virgin- withdrawal is really something for men who are experienced). Condoms would work too, and you can try ultra-thins for a more natural experience (I’ve also heard tht lambskin condoms feel more natural, but I’ve never personally used them). There’s also a diaphragm or cervical cap, which block sperm from getting in, and I believe you remove them right after sex? 

Then there are all of the hormonal methods; the pill, ring, patch, shot, IUD (which may or may not be hormonal). For information on hormonal and non-hormonal birth control methods, I highly recommend http://www.plannedparenthood.org/health-topics/birth-control-4211.htm   They even have a little quiz which helps you figure out the type of birth control right for you.

Post # 12
Member
75 posts
Worker bee

@kittywolf13:  I was a virgin until much later than most (I waited until it was the guy I knew I would marry – though we’re not married yet!). It was somewhat painful (I agree with being on top – it gives you much more control) but what I didn’t expect was the subsequent UTI that I got. Ugh. Not something I would want on my honeymoon! So, (TMI?) it might help to pee when you’re finished (maybe even shower) just until your body gets used to it, especially since you don’t even use tampons (I don’t usually either).

Post # 13
Member
1706 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: December 2012

I can’t offer much in the way of virginity…it’s been a while since I was a virgin.  But I can tell you that an ivory dress is just fine, and in fact the white wedding gown originally had nothing to do with being pure or a virgin, but in fact everything to do with class and money.  White wedding gowns were made popular after Queen Victoria wore one because she wanted her dress made of a lace that she ‘prized’.

I believe that in Christianity the white is something that comes from the christening gown, which is where the purity part comes from, but it’s not the original meaning of a white gown.  Ivory will do, and you’ll look amazing I’m sure.

Post # 14
Member
1574 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: May 2013

As a sexuality educator, I can tell you that you’re not the only virgin out there. While I didn’t wait til marriage, many do – and I have several friends that did. One of my best friends married the only man she has ever kissed (and they only kissed and held hands before their wedding). I think our culture is very about sex, so it seems like everyone else is doing. I’m really tired, so I can’t remember the stats, but people graduate college virgins (I am pretty sure it’s under 10% but more than 5%…don’t quote me). When I teach college classes (typically juniors and seniors – so 21+ on average), several of my students are virgins. Some are waiting for marriage, some for others. Some wait due to religion. It’s all very personal. 

I wore ivory (I just got marreid – but I was divorced) to this wedding not b/c it wasn’t my first wedding or I wasn’t a virgin, but b/c I liked the dress and that was the only shade. I also tried white dresses on and they weren’t as flattering on my (pasty pale) skin tone. It matters if it matters TO YOU.

As for birth control, the Planned Parenthood link is great! Hormones are not for everyone, and that’s again, very personal. Would you be open to an IUD? They have ones that are hormonal and others that aren’t. Anything (even Tylennol!) can have side effects, so of course, so do these. While they’re not as popular, I think diaphragms and cervical caps can be great! 

Post # 15
Member
237 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: November 1999

I got married in April. Both I at 38 and my husband at 37 were virgins. My best male friend is around 40, a virgin, and he’s engaged (not sure about his fiance). (We waited based on our Christian beliefs.) I actually heard on a t.v. special about sex last week that 5% of Americans wait until marriage. (That’s 1 in 20. I would have thought it was more like 1 in 100.) You are definitely not alone! It will be special in that you will have this intimate bond that is just for the two of you. And knowing you both have this self control, you have a good chance for sexual fidelity in your marriage.

Our wedding night was interesting, as we had trouble with the angles. When we began basically scratching our heads, going “hmm?”, and fumbling through things, the nervousness went away and we couldn’t help but laugh about it! Plus he was very patient to not cause me pain so we took a couple of days to actually finish the act. I’d used tampons and menstrual cups all of my adult life, so perhaps it will take you longer to not feel pain. Be patient, have fun, and use lubricants.

Post # 16
Member
531 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: August 2011

I was a virgin until I got married too, and I was also really nervous about the wedding night.  After it was said and done I thought it was more awkward than special/fun/exciting etc etc…though it did definitely get better over the honeymoon.  I have found that I definitely enjoy it more if I’m feeling confident and pretty – so my advice for you would be to get a beautiful/sexy/flattering set of lingerie for your wedding night.

As far as BC goes – we are using the Creighton model of Natural Family Planning (http://www.creightonmodel.com) and have been really successful at it (we’re avoiding pregnancy right now and have been married almost 2 years and are still not pregnant).  It does require that you don’t have intercourse for a week and a half to two weeks out of each month though (not in one big chunk -but during your period and during your “fertile days”).  The model is based on scientific studies of fertility and works by just recognizing changes in your body and avoiding intercourse when they say you’re fertile. Several of my aunts and uncles use the Billings model as well, and like it.  If you’re interested in NFP the best way to find a class will be to contact a Catholic church’s office or call the Archdiocesan office and they’ll be happy to direct you to a teacher.  They will be happy to teach you the method and probably won’t even ask you if you’re Catholic, so don’t worry if you’re not. It would be good to start using the method a month or so before you get married so that you can practice recognizing the signs of your cycle without having to worry about other fluids that can be confusing if you don’t know what you’re looking for.

Good luck with your wedding and everything!

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