Virgins before your first marriage, divorced, found new SO – how does it feel?

posted 2 years ago in Intimacy
Post # 2
Member
6744 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: October 2010

I was raised in a religious home, went to a religious college, had a ring on my finger before I slept with my (now ex) husband. We were married 10 years before we divorced. I am now remarried and I did not wait to have sex with my new husband. I think that many of the things I was raised to believe were detrimental for healthy sexual development. My family was extremely supportive after my divorce-and never made me feel bad about a “failed marriage”. Although I was devastated- my “perfect” situation collapsed. Now,  with time and perspective, I am raising my daughters differently- I want them to share intimacy with someone they care about who treats them well- but I don’t believe in waiting for marriage.

Post # 3
Member
127 posts
Blushing bee

eeniebeans:  I know of a few couples that were the same.

I definitely understand the spirituality/sentimentality of it, but in younger brides in my circle it was THE reason to marry. One of my friends described her new relationship post-divorce as more relaxed. She didn’t choose celibacy again, but they did wait a while. She says she liked feeling at peace with her needs.

Now that the shiny new is gone about sex, it becomes an issue that most sexually active women share. If you’re spiritual, I’d meditate/pray on it. Is the intimacy of sex still greater than that of marriage? I don’t think so. But that is definitely personal. If you think it is, it might be easier to be celibate because you know what you’re missing and might gave a better lens for your decisions. 

  • This reply was modified 2 years, 5 months ago by  Mattyfeets.
Post # 4
Member
4884 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: September 2012

MrsJenningsToBe:  I personally was not before marriage, and I’m also not divorced. However, I did attend a Christian college (transferred out to another school because it just wasn’t for me, but maintained close relationships with many people who were still there). In my experience, sex was THE reason everyone I went to college (at that school) with seemed to get married. Yes they loved their partner, but there was SUCH a rush to get married so they could live together, have sex, etc. Several of those marriages failed, and I think with all of them they did not wait with future partners. While I don’t think there is anything wrong with waiting if you feel strongly about it, I do feel like (again, based on expereince with many of my friends from the Christian school) I also think it pulls people to get married for the wrong reasons. I think you should do whateve rmakes you feel comfortable.

Post # 5
Member
13 posts
Newbee

I wasn’t a virgin before marriage either, and I’m not divorced, but widowed. So that may have a difference lens on how I feel about it. When I got married the first time around, I chose to remain celibate until we were married even though I wasn’t a virgin. I think it was more to placate my Christian upbringing more than anything. I’ve never believed that the original intent was to remain a virgin and celibate until marriage, and a study of ancient Jewish culture is reflective of that (which Christ was born into, if you are a believer). So this time around, my fiance and I have chosen to not be celibate (I’m 31 with 2 kids and he’s 44 and never been married, but he wasn’t a virgin when we started dating either)… so I guess it’s to each, their own, and what they feel comfortable with.

Post # 6
Member
3195 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: October 2010

eeniebeans:  

*applause* You are a very wise woman.

I have heard and read so many stories about women who waited for marriage to have sex, only to discover that they have too much shame and guilt to enjoy sex with their husbands. 

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