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My situation is similar in some ways: I'm the only child, and go back every few weeks for a couple of days... mostly because my mom gets upset otherwise. I'm the only child, too, and she's really dramatic. I mean, oddly so... always thinks I hate her, mad that I'm independent even though they stopped paying for my groceries when I was 16, etc.
Luckily R's parents live pretty close to mine, and we have a wonderful relationship with them. They're really awesome about taking us out to dinner sometimes, or meeting someplace in between the city and where they are.
I do think they'd be upset if we moved away for anything other than grad school, though. FSIL & FBIL were talking about moving to Arizona (where his family is) last year, and FSIL put it very rudely - she would say things like, "I'm finally going to get away from you!" so that really hurt FMIL.
(Ironically, FBIL & FSIL still live rent-free in a house that is owned by my FILs.)
I'm not an only child, but I live with my sis--so when one of us goes home, the other does too (for right now). We've slowly, slowly built up to only going once every two to two and a half months. We know it's hard on them, but the longer that we wait every time, the better it is that they get adjusted into their routines, not waiting every other weekend for us to come home.
Good luck!! I know it's hard. FMIL acts like this sometimes, but we have to move out of state regardless of how she acts, so she's trying hard to not show it. Perhaps you could talk to your mom? FI did that and I think it helped.
I do! Actually FI and I both deal with this. We both grew up in the same general area (about 45 minutes away from each other) We moved away together and have zero intentions of ever going back. We both didn't love growing up there and we don't like it now.
We get guilt from both sides. Honestly, we do not have the desire to visit that often and it seems more like a hassle than anything. If it wasn't for the wedding, we would visit about once every 2-3 months. My parents visit us a few times a year and his parents never visit. My sister and her BF also visit relatively often but his brother/his FI will not visit us.
My mom is giving me more grief now by claiming that she'll never be able to see her grandchildren. If she thinks she'll guilt us into moving back, she is incorrect ;o)
BTW, we live about 2.5 hours from my parents and about 3.5 hours from his.
Edit/addition: My sister and her boyfriend still live in my hometown and will probably never leave.
My parents live about 4-5 hours away also. I see them probably ever 4 months. They come up about twice a year and we go down about 2-3 times a year. I just don't have a bunch of time to take off, drive down there, and go visit.
I have my own life now and my parents are very respectful of that. We chat a lot on the phone but they know if i visited them every month, that's a full weekend out of the month that I don't tend to my own house. I have laundry to do and traveling just takes it out of me. My parents don't guilt me about it--they can't possibly expect me to have a real job in their town of 500. I live in a city and i'm much happier here. It's just the way life works out sometimes. My DH's family lives about 30 minutes away. I see them probably every other month for various things. He has lunch with them every wednesday but it's just not practical for me. I have my own shizzles to do! And it's stressful going home =]
lilyfaith, our moms are very similer :) Maybe it's an only-child thing. My mom will think that I am avoiding her or mad at her if I am not able to come up for more then 6 weeks or so. I know it's her issue, and we have talked about it a lot because she feels guilt over it as well. It's such a cycle!
My mom does the same thing to me. I'm actually from Somerville, MA! I have an older brother, but he still lives at home and doesn't have any intention of leaving, so I'm the "weird" one for leaving and doing what I want. I went away a few hours for college, and my parents expected me to come home at least one weekend a month and they called me everyday. I spent one semester abroad and didn't see them for 6 months, so that kind of prepared them for my moving to Florida. Now I just see them a few times a year, but I talk to them multiple times a week. If I could afford it, I would go home more often than twice a year, but I can't right now. For me, the key was to move out of driving distance. haha. I'm also very blunt with my parents and tell them that I don't plan on moving home for a few years, so they stopped guilt tripping me.
Somewhat of a similiar situation but not 4 hours away...
I live in a town near the VT border, about 45mins from where I grew up and lived for 24 years of my life. When I moved to my current town, my BFF FREAKED OUT!!!! We would hang out about 1xweek...I would frequently take her kids and do things with them I LOVE them!). When I moved away she told me that I was too far away (45 mins straight down the highway!), that she would never see me, that I wouldn't have time for any of my friends. HELLO!?!?!?! Let me also say...she was MORE devasted than I was when I broke up w/ my ex-bf of 6 years....we all did things together.....
I see my parents 1xmonth, sometimes more if there are events going on. I talk to may parents several times throughout the week....sometimes more due to wedding planning. My aprents didn't care....they like having a quiet house :o)
I live 10 hour drive/or an easy flight away from my parents (I have for six years now) and I only see my parents twice a year.
I would like to see them more, we get along great. It just works out that we can't usually make it happen more than twice a year. I miss them.
ejs4y8, I would love to have that type of relationship with my mom! Good for you! My dad is more understanding, he hates to travel, and he always tells me to visit only if I have the time and it is safe driving weather. I think that mom's just have a pull on their daughters that is hard to break.
hotchildinthecity, I think my mom is concerned about seeing her grandkids too! By the time they come she will be retired...so hopefully she will feel welcome to come down to visit them instead of us hauling them all over New England.
laboroflove, I'm glad you have a sister to help in setting boundries! I almost feel like visiting less would be helpful for all of us. I am lucky in that my mom and I are able to talk about it, but the sadness in her voice really gets to me. It's a process...I feel hopeful it will get easier in time.
I live about 22 hours away from my parents, and we're about 12 hours away from FI's parents, so there is not a lot of visiting going on. We see each other around holidays, and then we see each other usually once or twice during the rest of the year. It sort of depends. But definitely not more often than every 3 or 4 months. I do, however, talk to my parents (both of them, they're divorced) once or twice a day. We're very connected, they know everything that's going on with me, they're a huge part of my life, it's just not practical for any of us to be visiting each other on a more regular basis. It's 6 or 7 hours from airport to airport (and really expensive), and 22 hours in a car....it's just too much. But they've never made me feel bad about that at all. My FI's dad never visits us, which is totally ok with us; his mom makes an effort to visit once or twice a year, but she has three kids spread all over the country, and she has to get to all of them!
@Rosiebear - glad to hear I'm not the only one. I feel it's very cyclical with us as well. She'll be fine for a few weeks, and then call in tears asking why I hate her... I walk her through the whole thing (usually with R standing there wide-mouthed at what she's saying - she's a loud phone talker) and she calms down until it starts over.
The worst thing is, she's super competitive with the FIL's. They've helped me through college by giving me a steady job when my parents decided it'd be best to cut me off except for some tuition help. Which was fine except that they changed those terms after I had accepted a place at a university in the city, where rent is sky-high. I worked about 50 hr weeks just to get by and she would get mad at me for not having time to talk on the phone.
This info is great. It's nice to get your different expereinces and persepctives! Adult child-parent relationships can be so complicated :)
I'm on the mom-guilt train too. I have a brother, and he lives about 10 minutes away from where I live now (random that he got a job here after I moved here for school)-- so at least when they come to see one of us they can see both. I think it is a little harder on my mom because almost all of my cousins went away for college then came home (to Cleveland area). So she gets to see my aunts/uncles having their kids near them and she doesn't get to have either of her kids who moved two hours away.
Regarding visits... There are actual reasons to get together generally in February (brother's bday), April (Easter), May (mother's day), June (father's day), September (dad's birthday), October (my birthday), November (mom's bday and Thanksgiving), and December (Christmas). The hardest time of year is from Jan-April because usually my parents come here to celebrate my brother's birthday, so that is like 4 months without actually going home. Usually I try to get home at some point in there but sometimes its hard. I feel like the longer I am away from home the less and less I go.
The hardest part for me is the calls. When I first moved away I called about twice/week and that was fine. Then my brother was in the hospital for 3 months and my mom was calling me every day to give me status updates. When he left the hospital (4 years ago)... she kept calling. And if I missed a day calling her or didn't answer her call she'd kind of freak out. She has some kind of anxiety where if she doesn't talk to me every day she is convinced that I'm "dead in a ditch" somewhere. It can be really oppressive... sometimes I feel like it is SO ridiculous that I'm 25 years old and I HAVE to call my mom every. single. day. But on the other hand I feel really bad for being upset about it because my mom has done a lot for me and it isn't really that hard to just do it. Meh-- i dunno.
@Corgi - same here. If my mom texts and I don't hear it, she'll send the same text over and over for the next 2-3 hours, and eventually call R. I've tried telling her I can't always get to my phone, but she's downright convinced I'm hurt/dead. She also does that all the time when I'm at work - she'll even know I'm working, and think something's terribly wrong because I don't pick up. It gets really hard on R, because he's constantly having to explain to her, but she took offense to it when I asked her to stop calling him every time she couldn't get ahold of me. (Obviously, an emergency would be different.)
We'll, my parents moved to another continent... so... I guess they have a healthier perception on "normal amount" of seeing each other. Right now, we're lucky at twice a year!
They will be moving back to my hometown (city) eventually when my dad retires or his job brings him back, and they'd like me to be there too.. but for now, we're buying a house here. Sometimes they are a little sad and think "we'll never see you." But, they moved away from their families... so.... I learned from them! lol
@lilyfaith, I sometimes wonder if my mom has an issue with my future in-laws too. They are very different parents (my parents are over-protective and very focused on me, FI's parents are hands-off and rarely initiate communication with him...it's a really hard balence). I get the feeling my mom would rather us ignore FI's side of the family. We already visit my parents more then his family, but he is trying to be closer to his family, so we need to mind that relationship as well. It was harder for me when I was in grad school too, because I was not able to call as often as I wanted and my mom felt neglected. And yet I love her so much. I'm glad to know another person in a similer situation :)
Corgitales- Phone calls can be so hard! My mom seems to make it a point to call more often when I am on vacation. It's because she is excited for me and wants to know I am safe, but it can be difficult to enjoy a vacation when you have to fill in your mom on all the details ever day :) My mom would like me to call every day, but I am fortunate that we have been able to get by with a few times a week. Most of my cousins live close to home too, I think that makes it much harder for her. She see's a her sisters going out to dinner and having their adult kids over every week and wants the same with me.
@rosiebear-- seriously, what is up with cousins? lol. Fly the coop people! You're making us look bad!
Well- you could have my problem. I'm an only child and moved across the country (Los Angeles to Baltimore) when I was 23. After about two years my parents decided to move back East also. Now, the enitre East coast is pretty big and there are lots of places to move to- but no- they moved about 25 minutes away from me. You might want to thank your stars that your mom only gives you guilt- she could be like mine and pack up her life to move to YOUR town! :)
I am away from home for the last 4 years at college. I go to school about 3,000 miles away from my family, and my immediate family ALL live on the West coast so there is really no reprieve :( I usually only make it out every 6 months, but once in a while I'll get out there every 3 months.
I am the kind of person who is really, really attached to my family, and when I am visiting I spend pretty much every night and day with them. But that may be because I travel so infrequently. I can see how it could tiresome going back and forth. Maybe just explain to your parents that the traveling is really wearing on you and for your own sanity you're going to have to cut back the visits. Parents are never easy about that kind of thing, but they will eventually understand.
This is something my fiance and I are going to be experiencing soon. We live in CT currently (and both always have.) Currently we live about an hour away from my parents, 15 minutes from my fiance's mom, and maybe 40 minutes from his dad. We see my parents maybe average once every 1.5 months, his mom at least once a week, his dad pretty infrquently because they aren't very close. However, we REALLY want to move down to FL in about two years when we are ready to buy a house (we own a condo now). We have a lot of reasons to go: we travel there together a few times a year and love it; we'll get a house for half the amount we would spend here; we're both REALLY sick of winter; and we both want to try living somewhere new for a while. If we never live anywhere but CT, how do we know we might not like it better somewhere else? Now seems like the perfect time to go since we don't have kids yet and could both easily move our jobs down there.
My parents HATE HATE HATE this idea. My mom is super needy with my brother and I. I talk to her on the phone or text with her just about every day... which is fine though she does do the "rapid fire text freakout" if I don't answer a call or text right away, and even though I have expressed how much this drives me crazy she continues... lol, what can you do, moms are moms. However she CANNOT HANDLE the move thing. The few times I have mentioned it I get super passive aggressive how can you go away and leave me type texts, so for now my fiance and I have decided to just drop it... it's two years out and hey at least we put it out there so it won't be a total shock.
But omg, do I see MAJOR DRAMA in my future. And lots and lots of plane tickets!
It's a tough situation... my family is extremely important to me, but I have to live my own life too, you know?
Ween them off, they will learn! Eventually, lol. It's just hard for them, realizing you're starting a new life with a 'new' family.
My parents are currently trying to guilt us into spending Christmas with them. My job is to manipulate my husband into coming home with me this year. Unfortunately, not gonna happen b/c Christmas at my parents' house is boring. Christmas at his family's house involves food and beer and games.
I live 24 hours away from my parents by car. I definitely get a guilt trip about not living in Texas anymore. I was just in Texas a few weeks ago and half, if not all, the times I talked to my dad, he was trying to convince me to move back by offering to buy a place and letting us rent it, or turning my old upstairs room into an apartment with a kitchenette. I've flat out said that I have no interest in moving back as well and he still doesn't listen. And he tries to bring my less-than-amazing relationship with my in-laws into it. We live with them for now, and while I don't communicate with them often (MIL works 2 jobs, FIL 1, and they're usually gone a lot in general, not avoidance), we aren't fighting.
I've only visited them that one time since the wedding last July. I talk to my mom about once every two weeks, once every month minimum and that's partially becaue I sometimes don't answer the phone. I know they wish they could talk to me more, but I'm definitely trying to make it clear that I can make my own decisions now.
My parents are extremely overprotective though. If I was home, they wanted to be home. Honestly, they rushed home from a gas station, in their town, so they would be home when I got back from a trip visiting friends. They wanted to do absolutely everything with me.
And I have a feeling there will be even more guilt trips once their first grandchild is here in June.
Oh my gosh, I have such a different relationship with my parents than most of you! My parents live an hour west of where FI and live, and his parents live two hours north. We don't see his parents as often - maybe every 3 months - since when we go we usually stay over for a night or two, and we can't take our dog.
But I see my parents AT LEAST every 2 weeks if not more. We are having our wedding in my home town so we have to be there almost every weekend right now to meet vendors and such, but even when FI has school or is busy I'll head home for an evening or weekend. My mom is one of my best friends and my dad is amazing, my older brother still lives at home but is saving up to move out. I love love going home and taking my dog to play with their dog (both standard poodles). I desperately want to move back to my hometown. It's not possible right now because of both of our jobs, but I won't plant any roots or start a family where we live now - I want to be near either my mom or my FMIL when I have kids and I don't see us ever moving to where FI's parents live. So my hometown it is :)
I cannot imagine dreading going home, that would be so sad! Some times I really want to move out to the West coast and experience a different life for awhile, and I've ALWAYS wanted to move to Fl, but I can not imagine being away from my parents for an extended period of time! I think we'd both have separation saddness!
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I wanted to put this question out there to get an idea of what is "normal" :)
For those of you who live away from your parents, how often do you visit them?
I live about 4 hours from my hometown and make an effort to visit my parents every 4-6 weeks or so. They visit us 1-2 times a year (cities make my dad nervous...he's very much a woods-man). My mom has really struggled in the past few years with feeling like she does not get to see me enough. It is especially hard because I am an only child and therefor am the ONLY person my mom focuses this type of energy on.
While I enjoy visiting my parents, we have friends and FI's family (they live 4 hours in a different direction) who we like to visit as well. It is getting tiring to travel 2-4 weekends out of every month.
The big issue is that I left home 8 years ago, moved to another state and eventually fell in love with a man who grew up 4 states away. We are not planning to ever move back to my hometown, but may settle in my home state of Vermont (which is small) at some point. While she does not mean to, my mom has a habit of putting intense guilt on me about moving away and building my own life. The wedding seems to make it a little worse.
So how do you bees handle this? Does anyone else have a similer situation with their parents?