Post # 16
thunderbuns : That’s how I look at it too. The ring is just a formality. My FI and I booked our venue before he actually proposed because we wanted an August wedding and there wouldn’t be enough time to plan if we had waited.
But I didn’t call him my FI or update Facebook until the actual proposal. It was more just quietly planning and just talking to our families and close friends.
Post # 17
I’m in a similar situation, “involved in the engagement process” like you said. I didn’t go to the jewelers and haven’t seen the ring, but bf did tell me when he set the appointment and picked up the ring! I think that he is just so excited and wants to share that experience with someone who will be equally excited. While I understand why some women would want a surprise proposal, I’m Type A as well and have enjoyed the anticipation of the proposal. If it was a complete surprise, these months leading up to the proposal would just be like any other but because I’m involved in SO’s proposal I get be excited now!
Post # 18
I am in such a similar position i could have written your post myself 😀
Its exciting and yet also wreaks havoc on the nerves… I find myself thinking about it even as i drift to sleep and wake up hehe.
Post # 19
It is invalidating to tell someone who just stated that they are not yet engaged that they ARE. “whoops, you just somehow didn’t know it… stupid.” I mean, come on. Yes, that’s invalidating them. You are disagreeing with their own version of their own reality.
You can try to get cute about the webster’s definition of the word all you want, but the emotional sense in which I used it is obviously different. https://blogs.psychcentral.com/emotionally-sensitive/2012/02/reasons-you-and-others-invalidate-your-emotional-experience/
And nothing about a proposal has to be materialistic. Someone who wants to be proposed to the traditional way can want that done with a piece of twine in the backyard. Nothing about the proposal ritual is inherently materialistic. Does our capitalistic society put materialistic layers on it? Sure, but the ritual itself doesn’t require any money or possessions. But it’s formal, nonetheless.
Yeah, sure, everyone gets their opinion. But having an opinion on whether or not someone else is engaged (when they’ve just stated they are not) is ludicrous. That’s like someone saying to you that they’re not pregnant, and you replying, “yes you are – but that’s just my opinion,” becasue they’re TTC.
My SO and I decided 10 months ago we wanted to marry each other granted that our relationship continued to go as well as it had thus far. We made that decision early, only 7 months in, and we both definitely wanted that clause of “as long as nothing horrible crops up, or it doesn’t turn out you’ve been putting on a show, etc.” Were we engaged then? Or was it when he casually told his family (when I wasn’t even around) about our plans over Thanksgiving? How about when we low-key wired the money over for the stone? Was it official then?
At which of these points would YOU like to decide for ME that I am now engaged?
Since everyone has a right to their own opinions, here’s mine: It’s absolutely patronizing and codescending to reply to someone’s post about plans to get engaged with “YOU ALREADY ARE.”
Post # 20
knotyet : Aw, congratulations! How exciting. Do share when he proposes, and I’d love to see the ring! I totally feel you on the Type A note.
Post # 21
duchessgummybunns : Great job on getting all worked up again and restating your opinion! If you’re looking for validation and can’t handle people having completely different worldviews, you should get off the internet. Internet forums are made for people who share what they think in a more frank manner than your therapist would. That’s internet culture.
Post # 22
Nothing is wrong with you lol. I am in a very similar situation–we’ve been together for about 10 months now, but started talking about spending the rest of our lives together after about a month or so together. He wouldn’t let me pick out an exact ring, which I’m totally OK with because there are so many types of rings I like, so I sent him a list of 25 rings from which he could pick or just get an idea of what I like (because although I like a lot of different styles, having been married before, I also have definite opinions on what styles and fits I do not like). We plan on getting married next summer, but otherwise I don’t know when the proposal will happen. And I also do not consider myself engaged because he wants to do the whole formal proposal thing. But it’s hard to think of anything else until it happens! I think Harry said it best: “When you realize you want to spend the rest of your life with somebody, you want the rest of your life to start as soon as possible.”
Post # 23
pierce : I’m not worked up, and you’re a troll. Have fun with that.
Post # 24
I love this!:
“When you realize you want to spend the rest of your life with somebody, you want the rest of your life to start as soon as possible.”
It’s so refreshing to have others in the same position and not think I’m crazy! I have a close friend at work who was absolutely appalled that he took me ring shopping. She said I was ruining the surprise and that I shouldn’t have an inkling when he’s about to propose. But, he was the one who surprised me one weekend and drove us to a jewelry store he’d researched. He asked for pics previously, and I’d emailed ring inspo pics, and when he asked for my size, I got sized and sent him that, but I never said, “Now take me somewhere and let me pick!” I don’t like surprises, and he knows that, so he’s been really sweet with sharing the experience with me. But I hate how she made me feel like I was ruining things for him somehow. She did the whole condescending head shake and everything lol.
But in the end, I know that whatever makes us happy is what we should do, and I am happy, if not a little anxious! Plus, he’s the meticulous sort who likes things to be “right,” and I think that’s part of the reason he’s asked for my input. Different strokes for different folks and all.
Also, that’s great advice about Pinterest! I was on it all the time on my secret wedding board, but now I feel like I just need to concentrate on other things to distract myself.
Post # 25
knotyet : I think your feelings of impatient are really just excitment. Who doesnt count down the days until they go on a big vacation?? Or even a day off of work??? The more exciting, the harder the wait IMO!!!
Post # 26
knotyet : what a downer that lady is. my sister said the same thing, followed with, “well, everyone’s different i guess…” girl work on getting yourself a date first and then give me your rules of engagement m’kay ;p some people!! hhah
Post # 27
Jeez, this thread got dramatic! lol
Let me clear something up here: My comment was made as a congratulatory statement, and to tell OP that she really has nothing to worry about. That’s what this is really about – people (usually women) who fret and angst over the “waiting” period are just borrowing trouble for no reason. I get that you all want to have your “special” moment like all the movies say we should. I get why you are all obsessed with the actual proposal and the ring, because that’s how culture works – even if it’s not very logical, it’s ingrained into us to expect these things. However, I don’t see the point in getting worked up over it.
There are SO MANY women on here who cry and complain and whine. There are so many who have considered calling it quits with their boyfriends over a stupid piece of metal and diamond. I have seen women who pitch a fit if they don’t get proposed to in JUST the right way, at JUST the right time, and they force their BFs to do it all over again just to satisfy this odd obsession that culture has brainwashed into us. They’re making themselves miserable, and it’s stupid.
So go ahead and get excited. Go ahead and feel anxious about it. Someone else on here said it’s an emotional time, and yes, it is. But don’t expect any sympathy from others, because “BOOHOO, I’m not engaged even though I am!” doesn’t fly. If you have agreed to marry, you are engaged. Simple as that.
OP, this statement isn’t mainly directed at you because you have been one of the most level-headed people on this discussion. It’s aimed at all the whiners on here who have come on saying “Don’t dump on OP! She has a right to be sad! I had to be engaged but not engaged for a long time! BAAAWWW!!!”
Suck it up, ladies. Act like adults.
Post # 28
knotyet : We have been working on “the ring” for what seems like forever now (over a year at best). At least been working with our “broker” since Christmas, and have now had 3 or 4 appointments. We finally have the bids back, we have all our hopes and dreams down, but from this point on, I’m out – I won’t get to see the CADs or choose the stones. I feel like the wait for the ring to make it official is just killing me.
I’m right there with you!! I still don’t call it official, either. Even though I have 90% of our day planned in my head.
Post # 29
thunderbuns : Not to be argumentative, but agreeing to be married is very vague. A lot of couples may agree to be married and then never have a proposal, tell their families, and they may break up. A lot of times those breakups will probably relate to the timing of when the agreement is actually carried out. A lot of couples talk about things and plan for the future. I know you mentioned your post wasn’t targeted at me, but it’s on my thread, so it does feel like it. I’m not “boohooing.” I’m anxious, and feeling a bit inpatient, which I freely admit is probably irrational, considering I haven’t had to wait that long.
I’m not worried about the diamond, or the metal, or the method in which he proposes. I’m excited for the commitment, the ability to be public with everyone about our happiness and future plans, the freedom to start planning, and to share this experience with the ones I love most. Marriage is important to me, and we won’t live together or consider children until after we’re married. My bf and I have always been open about what we want with each other, and we work because we want the same things. There’s nothing wrong with being willing to “call it quits” with someone if their life goals and desires don’t match with your own.
Post # 30
Not so sure why you think it’s appropriate to post a rant regarding your feelings about other women who are super high maintenance and whiney on this post, if you feel OP is being level headed. Women tear each other down way too much.
The way I see it:
If a woman posts that she’s being blocked out of any engagement discussion at all, she’s told she’s being strung along, and to take responsiblity for her own future.
But if she’s involved in the planning, and feeling at all uncertain or anxious, she’s cautioned that she may be “pressuring” her SO.
If she’s involved in the planning, and feels confident in it, she gets, “You’ve agreed to marry so you’re already engaged! – Congrats!” which is invalidating and condescending.
OR debbie downers telling her she’s being rude and insensitive to be posting about her happiness where (gasp!) sad people might see it.
ALL OP did was post that she was excited about her impending proposal and ask to hear from people in the same boat. Yet judgemental women still want to hop on the post spreading their unsoliticited opnions around.
Yeah, I get that everyone has their own right to their opinions, but people definitely need better filters about when and where to share them. They also need to be re-examining those opinions on a regular basis if they want to experience any continued self-growth.
Also, I hope I’m not coming across as harsh with YOU in particular. This is something I’ve become increasingly frustrated with over the past few months: seeing excited bee’s post about their impending proposals, looking for people to share their excitement with, only to get slapped down by some and invalidated by others. It’s basically gaslighting.