- Blog
- Bios
- Boards
- Classifieds
- DIY
- Gallery
- Vendor Reviews
- Shop Weddingbee
Weddingbee boards
Hi Hive! I'm a bit rusty at this - been away from the 'Bee since my wedding, so forgive me. And how are all of you?!
This question has been plaguing me:
DH and I just got married in Jan, and are ready to TTC. DH's sister (4 years older) got married almost 3 years ago and is planning on TTC-ing this summer. DH's parents seem to think that SIL should conceive first, as she was married first and is the oldest.
Our logic is that:
1. SIL has waited 3 years bc she wasn't ready, and that's great for her, but that doesn't mean we should have to wait for her to be "ready"
2. Having the "first" grandchild doesn't matter to us.
3. What if SIL (God forbid) has trouble conceiving - does that mean we have to keep waiting until she succeeds?
4. As far as we are concerned, we don't want when we TTC to have anything to do with anybody else, just the two of us (it's a big decision!).
So that's not really a question, but how about this - Should we give SIL more time to be "ready" / TTC first? If not, do you think there could be jealousy should we conceive first? What would you do?
I really am open to all input. I do not at all consider this a race to conceive. If I had it my way, SIL would already be pregnant so it wouldn't even be an issue lol!
Thanks Hive, I really do appreciate your advice!
Why should you have to wait for her? No one else should decide when you have kids. That should only be up to you and hubby. Your ready now and they had lots of time to have their time to conceive. Seems like if they are doing it right after your wedding maybe they are feeling the competition of being the first. Absolutely do it when YOU'RE ready.
i'm a little confused. this doesn't seem like something that should be a group decision. if the two of you are ready, great! if SIL is ready, great! it's not a competition. there's no one that can know if now is the right time for you better than you and DH.
personally, our families will not be involved in deciding when we TTC. we'll let them know when we have something to tell. i am not interested in other people's thoughts on it. our family, our decision. to each their own.
When you and your DH start TTC should be between you two only, not your families. They were the ones who decided to wait a few years to TTC, that has nothing to do with your timeline.
Start when you two feel ready to, not when your families feel you should!
@lindsay05 and @MrsE.tobe
that's what i was thinking. we live 1 mile between MIL and SIL (very "everybody loves raymond" lol). SIL has been vocal about trying this summer to everyone in the family, so it almost feels like she's staked a claim. i dont want people to think we were in a hurry to TTC to beat her to it. my in-laws don't keep their opinions to themselves, but i feel like this is such a private decision. i don't want my joy to be marred by any sort of gossip/controversy. I'm also trying to put myself in SIL's shoes - would I be jealous if my little brother's new wife just got knocked up right when i said i wanted to be?
I don't think you should have to wait for anyone. If you and your husband are ready to conceive then go for it. It shouldn't matter who is "first" when it comes to weddings, babies or anything else.
Oh my gosh! You are thinking of taking consideration way too far.
Have your children when you want to have them.
@superkate thanks for the cheerleading!
it's difficult b/c i truly love SIL and don't want to cause her any pain or deprive her of her vision of having a baby first.
hahaha oh my goodness you girls are too much. ok maybe i'm making a bigger deal about this than it needs to be. just scared that my happy moment may be met with "why couldn't you wait a couple months?"
I totally expected this to be one of those "lets be pregnant at the same time!" things. :( You and your husband should not have to worry about all that other drama. I say TTC when YOU want, the end result is the same so his family will get over it. Good luck!
No way!! You should not have to wait for her to concieve first just cause shes older and married longer! If you're ready, go for it! I can't believe that his parents would think that... Thats crazzzy!!!
@futuremrshc - i would love to be pregnant with her!!! it would be fabulous...but i think we all know the likelyhood of us getting pregnant at the same time, also, how difficult if we started trying together and one of us wasn't able to conceive! maybe it's best to try when we want and hope theyre not far behind.
and - about family getting over it - easier said than done! lol!
anyway it looks like i'm getting some consensus here, so this is very helpful!
I agree that when you start TTC should be your choice. However, if you are concerned about it, go straight to the souce and talk to your SIL about your concerns, and hear/weigh HER opinion on the matter. You know what they say about opinions, and your in-laws are allowed to express theirs, but ultimately you two get the final say.
@miss apricot - i think you're right. my concern is that SIL will tell her mom (my MIL) who is of the opinion that we are not ready (we are). it sounds like my SIL and I don't get along, but we really do! she's just very close with her parents, and her parents are very vocal. i'm not ashamed of our decision or anything, i'm just very private and don't want to hear unwelcome advice. so i guess that's the catch22 -
keep it secret and risk hurting feelings, or be open about it and put up with the talk.
btw i love my big in-law family to pieces, i just come from a cold WASPy family (lol) and i tend to work through things in private.
since you asked for opinions, I'll give you some tough love :-D
As a first time mom, part of becoming a parent is doing what is right for YOUR family (DH & you, not extended families). No, you don't have to be mean to them, but it's not really their place to tell you to hold off on TTC. I would say get used to standing up to our MIL but do it graciously. :-D Maybe you aren't like me, but I know I had to toughen up a lot, and my husband has had to change, too. DH has had to learn to stand up to his mom who watches our son.
I would just start trying, and not tell anyone.
Me and DH were open with my family, because we knew they would be excited, but not so much with DH's family because SIL had a really hard time conceiving, and had a few miscarriages and we really didn't want to deal with any conflict.
It turned out not to be a big deal, because she conceived right after we started trying, and we are still working on it.
@buzzingbee i'm afraid you're right. it's not so much that i'm scared of standing up to them as much as it is that they love me and have made me part of their family w/o question, and treat me like their own, and i don't want to displease them. But i'm a grown-ass woman! lol!
@ms mini - i think that's what we've decided. they really can't say anything after we're already pregnant. i just don't want it to look like we were trying to be sneaky.
waiting a few months for someone else to conceive is plain ridiculous - you've all made me realize that. especially since it can be agoninzing just waiting for yourself to conceive once you start TTC!
Thanks so much for the support!!
My DH and I are in a sort of related situation in fact. We found out (from his Mom) that his sister has been TTC for a year without success. (she's having some problems with her hormones unfortunately :( ) A couple of weeks ago, his Mom was talking to me about it, sort of giving me an update, and asked us (without actually asking) to try not to have a baby until his sister did because it would be heart-breaking for her. We aren't currently TTC, but I totally understand being sensitive towards my SIL since she is trying so hard to get preggo. DH and I talked about it afterwards and we are going to wait as long as we can, (our start TTC date is 2013) and if she hasn't been able to concieve by then, we aren't going to wait around for her to because we want our own family.
I say you get preggo and say it was a TOTAL accident and that you must be Fertile Mertyl or something ;-)
Good luck with your situation! I know how you feel!
Do what you need to on your own schedule! I actually have to disagree with @AbbyDabbyDoodleBug on this one- as someone who is having a great deal of difficulty TTC, I really must say that I appreciate honesty instead of just saying "Whoops!" I promise, for those of us TTC without success*, there is nothing that is more frustrating/sad than to hear "Oh, it was an accident! We just be the Fertile Faries!".
*sorry if this doesn't apply to you, I'm just speaking on behalf of those TTC that I know of!
@Bellini: Thanks for the well wishes.
@meganmp1: I totally agree, the "whoops" pregnancies make me want to scream right about now!
Lol, WHAT???! This is so crazy! No one has any say in when you start TTC other than you and your SO. To even consider otherwise is, well, crazy... and your DH should tell his parents that they are being absolutely RIDICULOUS. Good luck!
Actually, I can kind of see the point of waiting. I'm in a boat pretty similar to what you would be in. My sister and I are due 1 month apart... and I have a lot of guilt around that because of the position it puts our parents in (taking so much time off in a 2 month time span, splitting attn between 2 new grandchildren), as well as the perception of "stealing" my sister's thunder. I don't think it matters who goes first, but I do think it's worth considering how it may impact your family's experience welcoming their first grandchildren if you were to conceive around the same time... but maybe your family is different?
I wouldn't wait on ttc for anyone. There is no telling if she'll be able to concieve right away or if you'll have issues with it. If you and your DH are ready, then go for it! My hubby and I have been trying for close to a year now with no success, so no, I wouldn't wait for anyone!
@meganmp1: Oh hell to the yes. Being sensitive to someone that's been trying is breaking it to them gently, not going "whoops! I guess I must be really fertile!". I would scream if someone close to me told me that. "Oh thanks for rubbing the fact that I'm not pregnant yet and must NOT be fertile in my face"
@red_seattle: My situation is actually kind of similar to yours.
DH's sister is due in September and we've only just started TTC but I kind feel that if I got pregnant now that I would almost be stealing her thunder. Her baby is going to be the first Grandbaby for DH's immediate family and I want SIL to enjoy the time as much as possible and enjoy the attention. I don't think SIL would care if we got pregnant while she was pregnant but I feel kind of funny about it :-/
Having said all that we're still ploughing ahead with TTC and hope that we don't have to wait too long before we get knocked up :-)
How is your relationship with your SIL? Would you feel comfortable sitting down and discussing your mutual feelings on TTC? While I agree that it is you and your husbands decision, I can see your concern.
When did TTC become a thing up for public discussion?
Seriously, my husband and I were the only ones who discussed it or knew. Personally I think even mentioning it to anyone is crazy because then you have to deal with their opinions or the questions of "Are you pregnant yet?" And its nobody else's business.
As soon as you decided to let outside factors determine when you'll TTC you have to play the the "What if" game and it gets ridiculous. What if you wait on her and she can't conceive? What if she conceives then miscarries? Should you wait longer? The point is why are you letting wether or not she's ready for children determine if you are?
@camrie: When did TTC become a thing up for public discussion?
Exactly. Just like some of the "Can we get engaged when they just got engaged? Can we get married the same year? Am I stealing their thunder?" threads.
Do what's best for YOUR life when you want to! My little cousin is getting married and I'm pregnant. Does that mean I tried to steal her thunder? Nope. My life has nothing to do with hers. I certainly wouldn't have put off my baby for her. Please.
I've never heard anything like this in my life! You and your husband have children when YOU are ready! It has NOTHING to do with ANYONE else. End of discussion!
Well, I'm going to go out on a limb here with a slightly different opinion. Yes, I think it should be your decision, and yours only, but that doesn't stop outside influences from sort of infiltrating your train of thought.
In my case, my older sister, who has been married for 2.5 years, has struggled beyond belief with getting and staying pregnant. She has done IUI and IVF, and has had 3 pregnancies, which all resulted in miscarriages (they have no prior children). After the 3rd most recent miscarriage, she had me promise that I would not have a baby before her (I'm getting married in 1 month). I love my sister to death, I would do anything for her, and I have seen the pain and heartbreak she's gone through, so I made that promise to her, no questions asked. I know how she's always dreamed of having the first grandbaby in our family, etc, so there wasn't even a hesitation to me, or FI either. We didn't want to take that away from her when so much already has been. We have both seen what she's been through and holding off a bit longer than we planned is absolutely no problem for us in comparison to what she's been going through.
I am SURE we are the exception, though, and this is a very exaggerated circumstance. I say that if your SIL has voiced her true wants and needs to have the first baby, then it would make me take a step back. But I'm a people-pleaser - I always think of others before myself, which is a pro and con of my personality. Is she a jealous person? If so, things could get nasty pretty quick if you fall pregnant before her, and going through a family feud is the last thing you want when you get the happy news. I know you say that having the 1st grandbaby doesn't matter to you two, but what about to her?
Just things to take into consideration. Don't hurt me! :)
You and your husband trying to concieve should have nothing to do with her. I am going through a similar situation with my FSIL, because we are going through preperations to ttc and want to start a few months the wedding or immediately after. She is a bit mellodramatic and a drama queen and think that she could get to have the first grandchild because she was married first. I am younger than her, but FH is older than her. But she is also sorts of crazy. FH has shared our plans with his mom, so that she can gently broker the news to his sister. FH and I have been waiting four years to get married because my mom was diagnosed with 2 chronic illnessess shortly after we were engaged and neither of us is keen on waiting to have a child now. Everyone needs to make their own decesion about when the right time for them to start trying is. I would let your husband tell his family, that you both feel you are ready to start ttc and are going forward with your plans. Maybe your SIL and you will concieve around the same time and be able to share pregnancy stories. But this request is absoultely absurd.
@MrsMaine: I think is a very noble thing you did. Your bond with your sister must be very strong.
@MrsMaine: Is there a limit on that promise? While I absolutely agree it is an incredibly noble gesture I still wonder what happens if it takes her, say, 10 years? At what point does she return the favor, and give you her blessing? I don't think I could ever interefere with someone elses plans to make babies for my own purposes - that's just way too monumental. I guess I'm just firmly of the mindset that reproductive plans are between the two people executing them. I am sorry for your sister's losses though, I truly cannot imagine.
@Miss Lilac: Agreed.
And to add to that, what if @MrsMaine: has troubles getting pregnant with a sticky bean as well? I agree it's incredibly noble of you MissMaine, but I have to say that my opinion is that it was wrong of your sister to ask you to make that promise. She may never be able to have a sticky pregnancy, and you may have troubles as well. No one knows what the future holds. I'm sorry if that sounds harsh, I'm just giving you something more to think about.
Very nice of you to be considerate of your SIL and all, but I am in the camp that believes that this is a completely personal decision for you and you DH that should in no way be affected by what others think or say. Besides, you have no way of knowing how long it will take either of you to conceive.
Good luck and I wish you all the best!
I agree with most of the posters who stated that this is you and your husband's business. Honestly, I don't understand why this is out in the open with the rest of the family. If you are ready to try for a baby, go for it! I'm going thru fertility problems, so perhaps I am biased, but I wouldn't tell or wait for anybody else.
Yeah I go with everyone else - this seems highly inappropriate for your DH's parents to ask you to wait because his sister is going to try. Also, awkward that she would mention that.
I understand the jealousy issue about first grandkid, but I don't agree that she has a right to be jealous.
@Bellini:I think it is very nice of you to think about this but agree with previous posters that you should not wait. I also don't believe TTC needs to be discussed with anyone besides your husband, nor should you feel like you have to apologize if and when you hopefully are pregnant. Honestly its none of anyone's busienss if you were "trying" or not. I found those questions pretty rude when I was pregnant.
And if you SIL really wanted to have the first baby that badly, then she should have started TTC much earlier! by waiting, she was opening the door for you guys to have a baby soon too. Plus what is this whole "steal her thunder" business? Isn't a baby a wonderful blessing no matter the timing? Are people not going to be excited for whoever has the second baby? How awesome your kids could grow up together!! I WISH our brothers had babies at the same time we did (but they are all much older). I guess if you lived far apart that could make it hard on grandparents who need to travel but since that is not your case, I say enjoy and make yourselves a baby :)
You must log in to post.
| Visit our sister sites | eHarmony Online Dating |
eHarmony Advice Dating Advice |
Project Wedding Wedding Songs |
JustMommies Pregnancy Calendar |
Create the honeymoon of your dreams.
| User | Posts Today |
|---|---|
| kate02121 | 12 |
| ndreighton | 11 |
| rivierabridal | 6 |
| ladyartichoke | 5 |
| cbeyelia | 5 |
| ozpeony | 4 |
| takemyhand | 4 |
| ohmystars28 | 4 |
| bonkeyball3 | 4 |
| dressamore | 4 |
Sorry, there are no users yet.
