Post # 1
Hi Ladies, I’m brand new to this Waiting Board, but I could really use the advice. I’ll try to be breif.
I’m 27, my SO is 29. We’ve been together for 7 years.He is totally comitted. We share an apartment, pets, a checking acccount, blah blah blah…. bottom line we are happy, he makes me happy.
(here comes my big fat) BUT he cant even talk about marrige with out becoming stressed. I suggested counseling a few months ago, becuse he does realized he is a bit extreame in his unwillingness to be married. He agreed but never followed through with the counseling. Even after i remnded him twice. And im just not going to nag him about it. If he cared, he would do it.
Ultimatum Time! I told him that i want to be engaged by the time i was 28. That was a year ago, and as it stands, I will be 28 in 3 months.
He has clearly put the ultimatum on the back burnner and is hoping i will wimp out and we can go on with life as usual.
Am i totally nuts for ending this really great relationship? What can i do?
I just can’t help but feel that after all this, if he does propose, it wont feel special because he clearly didn’t ever want to.
What can i do???
Post # 3
@MissMez: depends on if marriage is important enough that youre willing to walk away. Or if your pride is important enough. Also, consider whether ten years from now, being single and still his live in GF will be enough for you.
Post # 4
I looked at your post, because you said our situations are similar. And that they are…I tried the ultimatum route and it came right back at me saying, “why would you give an ultimatum to someone you say you love and want to marry?” I was at a loss after I got that response and I still am.
I feel what your going through 100% and its so hard. I wish we all had a magic ball to tell us what to do to find a happy future….
Post # 5
If you need marriage to be happy (which it sounds like you do), and he can’t even think about marriage without becoming unhappy… There doesn’t seem to be a way to compromise.
I would follow through. No ring, and I would go. Why spend more years on someone who might never propose?
Post # 6
@subtlebee: I agree 100% with everything you said.
You have to decide what will make you happy and what you ultimately want in life. If you just want to be committed to him and don’t need the title of wife, then let things go as they are. I mean you said you two are happy, so no problem. But if you’re like me, and you see marriage as a must when it comes to being in a long term committed relationship, then you need to stick to your guns. If staying with him without being married will make you miserable, tell him that and that you aren’t willing to compromise on having that in your life. At this point though, I’d really just talk to him and see what he has to say. If he really doesn’t want to get married and you do, you’ll probably be better off splitting up so neither one of you ends up resenting the other in the long run.
Post # 7
I wouldn’t give an ultimatum because you shouldn’t need to. He doesn’t want to be married, and you do. No one should have to compromise on something so important – you or him. Go find someone who wants to marry you.
Post # 8
@FutureMrsNRoss: in the fledgling stages of my SO not knowing if he was ready he said that. My reply was because in order to be a woman worthy of marrying you I have to love myself too. I might still love you but I would resent you for making me hate myself.
though it came out less poetic and in between sobs…
this was to the point about ultimatums…
Post # 9
Thanks for all the great advice.
Now if I could figure out how to actually go about breaking this off.
Again, advice welcomed…
Post # 10
Oh my gosh, you sound just like me and my SO. I have not advice for you, but if you figure “IT” out let me know!!! x
Post # 11
@MissMez: all I can say is don’t bring it up again but you really have to leave when you turn 28-unless you’re truly ok with not being with him but not married.
Post # 12
@MissMez: I don’t know how much this will help, but being someone who has had the same experience I will tell you this: for me personally, it was really easy to walk away once it hit me. I didnt even think about how I would break it off or what I would do, I just DID it. For a good year before that I shuffled with the idea of leaving, but one day, BAM it hit me like a ton of bricks. I packed my stuff, told him I was going to get what I want, and never looked back. I mean, I had my weak moments- I cried, ALOT. But I was determined to live life the way I have intended to all my life. And that was to find someone who saw me worthy enough for marrage.
And I did. 🙂 When you’re ready, you’re ready is all I can say . Best wishes to you and I hope no matter what you do you can find happiness!
Post # 13
@MissMez: I totally feel for you as FI and I were in the same boat. I gave him an ultimatum years ago – we broke up for a few months, and when he came back to me wanting to get back together I was very frank and honest with him, and said “If you don’t want marriage and I do, then what are you doing here?” He agreed that he had been unreasonable and his time without me really cleared things up. I said I wanted to be married before I was 30 and he agreed. He proposed last summer (three years after we got back together when I was 26) and we’re getting married late this year.
He definitely stalled on it though (we’re going on our 8th year together). I actually had to do some reverse calculations for him to help him figure it out. He said he wanted to buy a house (we currently share my apartment) and I asked him when. He said by 30, so I worked backwards for him. He knew I wouldn’t buy a house with him unless we were married, so I factored in the time it would take to save, how long we would need to be engaged for before a wedding, etc. Then he realized he was actually going to need to make a move sooner rather than later. Truthfully if he didn’t and we still weren’t engaged.. I would be struggling to decide if I should actually leave him or not. It was my practical side that probably shifted everything into gear (ie. not willing to purchase a house or have kids unless I was married).
It wasn’t the easiest thing ever, and there were times I thought he was never going to do it, but like you I loved him and was happy but I knew I would always feel slighted if he couldn’t actually make it official in front of friends and family. I don’t see it as a small thing – I see it as a very big thing. Like he needs to make sure the door is always open in case he decides to slip out in the night.
If you want to be married and you won’t be happy without it – then it’s worth sticking to your guns for. Maybe the time apart will smarten him up, and maybe it won’t. But if you don’t go after the things you want, you’ll never have them.
Post # 14
I think you’re well within your rights to be wanting to get married sooner rather than later. If marriage is a dealbreaker for you then I think you need to end the relationship if he is unwilling to get married. I don’t think anyone should have to give up what they want in life (whether it be marriage or not getting married, kids, etc) for another person that doesn’t want those things. For me, it would just lead me to regret and resenting the person for not giving me what I needed/wanted. I think marriage and kids are 2 very important things to be on the same page about for a happy, healthy, successful relationship.
Good luck! I hope he comes around for you.
Post # 15
“why would you give an ultimatum to someone you say you love and want to marry?”
Because you want to be married more than you want to be with any particular individual. Love isn’t all it’s about. But then I don’t believe in soulmates or ONE true love or anything, but think that any relationship can work out forever with basic compatibility and serious committment, and marriage to me is the signifier of that committment and willingness to work on the relationship no matter what. Not everyone feels that way, but I do, and I would never feel like my partner was 100% in it if he wasn’t willing to marry me. In the long run my belief that my partner wasn’t 100% in it would seriously damage the relationship. Even if he was, I just wouldn’t be able to believe it and that distrust would be really terrible.
Post # 16
I say walk. It’s not an ultimatum…You just don’t deserve to be with someone who isn’t willing to commit with a proposal/marriage. He’s old enough and has had plenty of time to know if you’re “the one” or not. I wouldn’t waste anymore time.
Keep in mind that sometimes they don’t realize what they have until it’s gone. Don’t be surprised if he proposes when he sees that you’re gone. If he doesn’t, you’ll know you did the right thing and you can start spending your time with someone who wants the same things in life as you. Good luck!