Waiting and not nagging

posted 2 weeks ago in Waiting
Post # 16
Member
41 posts
Newbee

My SO are at two years and I have been nagging him so much, which was triggered because so many of our friends are getting engaged or married. It’s not that I’m impatient, I just want to marry him already!

Post # 17
Member
656 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: August 2018

tiskaren :  That totally makes you impatient, but there is nothing wrong with that!  I’m a proponent of nagging, and think whatever this “Shut Up Pact” is, is completely insane. 

Post # 18
Member
14 posts
Newbee

The fact he is turining it into a negative against you by saying you are nagging him signals a red flag to me.

If he were serious about wanting to spend his life with you he would be excited about it even if he wasn’t ready. You’re not nagging, you’re wondering what the hell is up because by now he should surely know whether he wants to be with you or not right?

Be upfront, tell him when you would like to be engaged, married and whatever else. Communicate it so plainly to him and see how he reacts. Tell him it’s important to you. If he brushes it off or gets annoyed with you then to me that is your answer.

 

 

Post # 19
Member
162 posts
Blushing bee

I agree with other bees in that his absolute refusal to talk about it is not good. I told my boyfriend three months into our relationship exactly what I wanted in life and the rough timeframe of when I would like things to happen (when we were 17 too! I’m lucky he didn’t run away).

However, it wasn’t until years later that I started bringing up engagement more and having more thorough talks about it (mostly due to financial reasons). Since you haven’t been dating even two years yet, I would give him some time yet. 

The balance between these two things would be to talk about what you want, roughly when, and that you’re not messing around or going to wait forever. As long as he participates and listens to you, from then on I would drop it for a year or two and see what happens.

If he refuses to talk about it, won’t listen, etc. That’s another HUGE red flag and I would get out of there. This is supposed to be your future TOGETHER, which means you get a say in it!

Post # 20
Member
35 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: November 2017

I so much understand you! I was in a very similar position and it was driving me absolutely insane.

I started occasionally bringing up a topic right at around our 1 year mark. Surprisingly he was very open to talk and it sounded like he was very serious about it. His only concern was is that he comes from a religious family and I am not. We spent a good amount of time talking about religion, I joined his church and then… nothing. After that he brought up a few completely different issues such as visiting parents at their home town – I already met them multiple times but not at their town, having another conversation about finance, kids, etc. Sounded like he was just dragging time and that was driving me crazy 

I had to have a serious conversation with him, otherwise I felt I was going to break up withhim and then regret afterwards. Here are some things that helped me:

Don’t have conversations too often. Mine were spaced out ~2-3 months apart. But when I talked they were very serious and direct conversations.

Don’t do ultimatums. In opposite I told him that I don’t want to put timelines on our love however I am not willing to wait forever and explained why. I was already 32 at that point. I also outlined time that is acceptable for me, such as I said that I am seeing us getting married some time next year. I also added that is is very important for me to be engaged for at least 6 months as I have out of country family that will need to get visas and tickets to attend wedding. So I sort of put an ultimatum but I gave him some wiggle room on this. I also checked if he had any issues with this timeline that he would like to discuss.

If he does not have any good reasons other than him just not being ready after 2 years, then it is a not a very good sign. Anyways just try to understand what is holding him back. If he is not ready what does it mean? Finances? Job? Family? Anything else?

It’s hard… push him to some answers, but make sure you are not too pushy. Sorry, for too many words, hope this helps:)

Post # 21
Member
40 posts
Newbee

QueenBee32 :  Once I stopped nagging, it happened. We were together 8 years before he proposed, so I’d say be a little more patient and it’ll happen once he sees that you are busy with other things. Good luck! 🙂

Post # 23
Member
549 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: July 2017

I don’t agree with “stop nagging and it’ll happen” idea. It irks me. It gives him 100% of the power ( a mistake I used to make when I was younger).

i told my SO upfront I wasn’t going to wait around forever . Like, when we first started dating,  he was telling me about friends that had been together 5 years and weren’t married and I was like, “Well, I won’t wait that long.” You should have seen his face!!

I had no need to nag, he’s not an idiot, he won’t forget what I had said. I had an internal “big talk” date, and an internal “walk date”, neither of which came to pass cause he proposed and had been planning it awhile!

you need to be clear and in control. Let him know you won’t wait around forever and follow that. Then you don’t need to nag because you have a plan to take care of yourself if needed.

Post # 25
Member
14 posts
Newbee

littlecats :   Yes!!!!!!! You said exactly what I wanted to say but didn’t know how to word it.

Post # 26
Member
14 posts
Newbee

 

QueenBee32 :  I agree with others, it is fine to ask questions. It is your life as well and you have every right to try and compromise on things. If he won’t even talk about it with you, then how are you supposed to make that compromise? My SO and I have both turned 27 this year and have been with each other for 4.5 years.. I wasn’t the one who started nagging him, but his mother after we built our house together. Then it started to bother me, he just said to me by the end of the year I will have a ring on my finger… it’s August and I am still waiting lol. But I think it is important that your SO is open to have this discussion, communication is really important and if he can’t communicate openly about something as important as a life long commitment then you may struggle to communicate later in your relationship? 

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