Waiting and Second Class Status

posted 3 years ago in Waiting
Post # 3
Member
525 posts
Busy bee

@southsun:  Yup, definitely experienced it. I moved ~1200 miles away to attend grad school. My SO and I decided that he would move with me and find a job where I was going to be living. Most reacted like it was absolutely ridiculous and not okay. Why, because we aren’t engaged? We’re in a long term relationship for crying out loud!

Post # 4
Member
771 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: October 2014

@southsun:  I remember one of my married friends said ” you all are so much more than bf/gf but he won’t give you that title of “fiancé” to tell the world it isn’t casual”. That was when I was waiting. She had to make her husband propose so I wasn’t sure why she was being rude. People are rude.

Post # 5
Member
3 posts
Wannabee

@southsun:  This has happened to me a few times, but once that really hurt my feelings. SO and I had been together about a year and a half and I was spending a couple weeks at his (parents’) house over Xmas break. One night we went out with his younger brother (I think he was like 22 at the time). Anyway, after a night of drinking, a song I liked came on the radio and I was like ‘oo my Mom loves this song; she would love it if we played it at our wedding’. His brother started laughing at me and basically called me crazy since SO and I weren’t (aren’t) even engaged. I felt really bad (probably more so b/c of the drinks). We had already looked at rings and talked about marriage so it wasn’t that crazy!

 

Post # 6
Member
525 posts
Busy bee

Thinking about it more, I think people are just rude in general when it comes to engagements. My SO recently told his parents that we are shopping for diamonds, and they told him to just give me a CZ instead because I wouldn’t know/it would save him money. Like a PP said, people are rude. 

Post # 7
Member
2455 posts
Buzzing bee

@southsun:  I experienced that a lot as a waiting bee. I was with me FI (then SO) for 8 years before he proposed. It would drive me nuts that a couple who’ve known each other only a year were taken more seriously just because they were married (not bashing anyone’s timeline, just a personal peeve).

Just know that YOU know how serious you two are, and while it can be frustrating everyone else will realize it someday too 🙂

Post # 8
Member
2105 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: September 2015

Yes, people are rude! you are definitely not alone in this. It does seem like you’re not allowed to “plan” a future with someone if you’re not engaged At least. So annoying.

Post # 9
Member
4758 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: May 2016

You are definitely not alone. My bestfriend got engaged in November and she is all the time making comments. “You live together, why aren’t you engaged?” or I tell her my plans because we do have a wedding date I just don’t have a ring and she just tells me that I am crazy. We have a date, know where we are going to elope and if I show her a dress or anything I like she just rolls her eyes. It’s pretty damn aggravting, especially since I am 2 years older than her, been with my SO longer, and I’m more mature and ready to get married. I just don’t tell her anymore and show my other bestfriend because she’s excited about it. People are rude.

Post # 12
Member
4043 posts
Honey bee

@southsun:  My DH and I dated for 9 years before getting engaged (10 years before marriage) and I had people treat our relationship as “less serious” every so often. We lived together, had a strong relationship, shared finances, future plans, etc…and people still said things like, “you will understand when you are married” or “if you were married, things would be different.” 

Guess what, we are married now…and things aren’t that different! Are we legally bound to each other? Yes. But do we act any differently? No. Do we treat each other any differently? No. I think it’s ridiculous when people think that signing a piece of paper makes your commitment more real than a couple who has already made a life commitment. Signing a paper garauntees nothing, it’s the intentions and actions of the couple that make it real and long lasting.

Post # 13
Member
584 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: May 2015

While no one should be rude to you about this, I’m a bit confused why anyone is confused that an engaged or married couple is taken more seriously than one that isn’t?

Of course they are. Getting engaged and married means something; there’s a reason why they do it.

They are being treated more seriously because they are telling everyone that they’re more serious…and while you can tell people that without being engaged or married and they SHOULD respect it, it isn’t at all surprising that people won’t take you as seriously until the commitment is official.

Post # 14
Member
772 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: September 2013

I think using the term “second class” is a bit overkill. Second class is when you don’t have the right to vote or you are discriminated against…not because people treat your relationship as less committed than that of people who are legally bound to each other.

Post # 15
Member
1025 posts
Bumble bee

I’ve noticed that there seems to be some weird hieracy about this, especially when I was working in the wedding industry, but I’ve also noticed it in social circles, espeically since now that DH and I are married, and were really the first ones in our circle to take that step.

I remeber one girl whom I used to be friends with had been engaged less than a week when we went for lunch she was going on and on and on about it, I said something about my boyfriend at the time and she told me that because he hadn’t put a ring on it yet I was nothing more than his glorified maid and prostitute.

It seems like there is always something that people use to make their relationship better than yours, a girl at work goes on about how they have been together longer, so obviously are better, some people it’s how long they’ve lived together, what they own together, if they are engaged/married, how many vacations, you get the idea.

More than once I was talked down to about my relationship when we were newly dating, not engaged, not living together, basically at every stage. Now ‘oh you’re married….. oooooh you’ve only been married for 1.5 years so THATS why”. Ugh yea okay.

Post # 16
Member
1590 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: March 2014

I admit to squirming internally if an un-engaged couple comments about buying a house together. I feel like it’s a huge risk especially if they plan to be married. Because I just feel like, if being together legally is something you want, you should do it before making a big financial purchase together, to protect yourself. But I’d never say these things outloud. I have good friends who did this, and they just married last fall. 

I understand that some couples never want to marry, and I get that. 

But I dunno, maybe age is a factor. Because for the most part I don’t really care. My brother’s unmarried best friend just bought a house with his gf, and I just thought, Oh good for them! It wasn’t until this post that I thought they might get strange reactions. 

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