Post # 1
I so hope I’m not the only one who this happens to!
Do any of you waiting bees deal with people treating your relationship not as seriously as they would if you were engaged/married?
A lot of times when socializing with others, I mention future plans me and SO have or what is going on in our lives and I get reactions varying from odd to crazy and rude. Most of the time I laugh it off, make a joke, change the subject or ignore it. Some days though it just really grates my nerves.
It’s different than the generic ‘Are/when are you getting married’ comments, those are well-meaning most of the time. With this it seems dismissive almost, people act like we can’t plan vacations or buy a house or dog together or have joint finances without me wearing a wedding ring of some sort. When conversation of kids/family/job changes/life issues comes up I’m not allowed to shoot the breeze with other girls because what, me and my SO aren’t allowed to talk about our future since we’re not married? Blah.
Like I said, most of the time I shrug it off and I forget about it. This weekend though, I just needed to vent! Please tell me I’m not alone! Haha.
Post # 3
@southsun: Yup, definitely experienced it. I moved ~1200 miles away to attend grad school. My SO and I decided that he would move with me and find a job where I was going to be living. Most reacted like it was absolutely ridiculous and not okay. Why, because we aren’t engaged? We’re in a long term relationship for crying out loud!
Post # 4
@southsun: I remember one of my married friends said ” you all are so much more than bf/gf but he won’t give you that title of “fiancé” to tell the world it isn’t casual”. That was when I was waiting. She had to make her husband propose so I wasn’t sure why she was being rude. People are rude.
Post # 5
@southsun: This has happened to me a few times, but once that really hurt my feelings. SO and I had been together about a year and a half and I was spending a couple weeks at his (parents’) house over Xmas break. One night we went out with his younger brother (I think he was like 22 at the time). Anyway, after a night of drinking, a song I liked came on the radio and I was like ‘oo my Mom loves this song; she would love it if we played it at our wedding’. His brother started laughing at me and basically called me crazy since SO and I weren’t (aren’t) even engaged. I felt really bad (probably more so b/c of the drinks). We had already looked at rings and talked about marriage so it wasn’t that crazy!
Post # 6
Thinking about it more, I think people are just rude in general when it comes to engagements. My SO recently told his parents that we are shopping for diamonds, and they told him to just give me a CZ instead because I wouldn’t know/it would save him money. Like a PP said, people are rude.
Post # 7
@southsun: I experienced that a lot as a waiting bee. I was with me FI (then SO) for 8 years before he proposed. It would drive me nuts that a couple who’ve known each other only a year were taken more seriously just because they were married (not bashing anyone’s timeline, just a personal peeve).
Just know that YOU know how serious you two are, and while it can be frustrating everyone else will realize it someday too 🙂
Post # 8
Yes, people are rude! you are definitely not alone in this. It does seem like you’re not allowed to “plan” a future with someone if you’re not engaged At least. So annoying.
Post # 9
You are definitely not alone. My bestfriend got engaged in November and she is all the time making comments. “You live together, why aren’t you engaged?” or I tell her my plans because we do have a wedding date I just don’t have a ring and she just tells me that I am crazy. We have a date, know where we are going to elope and if I show her a dress or anything I like she just rolls her eyes. It’s pretty damn aggravting, especially since I am 2 years older than her, been with my SO longer, and I’m more mature and ready to get married. I just don’t tell her anymore and show my other bestfriend because she’s excited about it. People are rude.
Post # 10
@busybee3791: yes exactly! We’ve invested time, money and tons of emotional commitment and it isn’t considered ‘real’ until he gives me a ring specifically for my left ring finger? Sheesh how rude of his family too. Its one thing if someone wants a CZ but when they say it like that it sounds so dismissive of you.
@soinlove79: Yep I’ve heard that one a couple of times. Its actually nice compared to what others have said. I think some people don’t think before they speak O.o
@lawgirl88: I totally this! My SO has been going on and on for almost a year about wanting to honeymoon in Hawaii, where we would/stay and what we would do. I mentioned this once to someone I thought was good friend and who I thought understood us, but she said I was crazy and we weren’t engaged. Sad part is I thought she would understand as her and her bf had been together as long as us and she was in the same boat! I NEVER say anything that me and SO have talked about when it comes to wedding/honeymoon now.
@playdohpants: I can empathize with you! We have been together 3 years. Which to me isn’t that long but in the south that’s the equivalent of 10 years everywhere else apparently. Most people down in this area get married within a year of meeting so we are looked at as ‘weird’ for not being married yet and aren’t treated like the married couples.
@Squirrelz15: that’s for sure! Me and SO have hashed out money, kids, retirement, lifestyle, travel and all sorts of things. We are both very careful and conscientious(bordering neurotic perhaps lol) personalities so it was important to us to be on the same page before even thinking about getting married. Others think we’re crazy for talking it out before getting engaged.
Thank you SO much for the input guys. The venting has brightened up my Sunday for sure! I might have to bookmark this to go back and read if I get fed up again lol. I know me and my SO are doing what’s right for us and I’m confident in that. But man when I have had a bad waiting day and peoples buzzing gets in my ears, its a sour emotional cocktail. Its good to know I’m not alone! Really good.
Post # 11
@ksn1219: oh yes, I’ve gone through such similar things with other friends, just posted one example above. I’ve had to learn to keep things to myself too, which kind of kills the excitement. It feels like being unengaged but seriously committed everyone assumes you’re a delusional ring hungry man hunter if you mention any sort of wedding related things. Such a crappy stigma!
Post # 12
@southsun: My DH and I dated for 9 years before getting engaged (10 years before marriage) and I had people treat our relationship as “less serious” every so often. We lived together, had a strong relationship, shared finances, future plans, etc…and people still said things like, “you will understand when you are married” or “if you were married, things would be different.”
Guess what, we are married now…and things aren’t that different! Are we legally bound to each other? Yes. But do we act any differently? No. Do we treat each other any differently? No. I think it’s ridiculous when people think that signing a piece of paper makes your commitment more real than a couple who has already made a life commitment. Signing a paper garauntees nothing, it’s the intentions and actions of the couple that make it real and long lasting.
Post # 13
While no one should be rude to you about this, I’m a bit confused why anyone is confused that an engaged or married couple is taken more seriously than one that isn’t?
Of course they are. Getting engaged and married means something; there’s a reason why they do it.
They are being treated more seriously because they are telling everyone that they’re more serious…and while you can tell people that without being engaged or married and they SHOULD respect it, it isn’t at all surprising that people won’t take you as seriously until the commitment is official.
Post # 14
I think using the term “second class” is a bit overkill. Second class is when you don’t have the right to vote or you are discriminated against…not because people treat your relationship as less committed than that of people who are legally bound to each other.
Post # 15
I’ve noticed that there seems to be some weird hieracy about this, especially when I was working in the wedding industry, but I’ve also noticed it in social circles, espeically since now that DH and I are married, and were really the first ones in our circle to take that step.
I remeber one girl whom I used to be friends with had been engaged less than a week when we went for lunch she was going on and on and on about it, I said something about my boyfriend at the time and she told me that because he hadn’t put a ring on it yet I was nothing more than his glorified maid and prostitute.
It seems like there is always something that people use to make their relationship better than yours, a girl at work goes on about how they have been together longer, so obviously are better, some people it’s how long they’ve lived together, what they own together, if they are engaged/married, how many vacations, you get the idea.
More than once I was talked down to about my relationship when we were newly dating, not engaged, not living together, basically at every stage. Now ‘oh you’re married….. oooooh you’ve only been married for 1.5 years so THATS why”. Ugh yea okay.
Post # 16
I admit to squirming internally if an un-engaged couple comments about buying a house together. I feel like it’s a huge risk especially if they plan to be married. Because I just feel like, if being together legally is something you want, you should do it before making a big financial purchase together, to protect yourself. But I’d never say these things outloud. I have good friends who did this, and they just married last fall.
I understand that some couples never want to marry, and I get that.
But I dunno, maybe age is a factor. Because for the most part I don’t really care. My brother’s unmarried best friend just bought a house with his gf, and I just thought, Oh good for them! It wasn’t until this post that I thought they might get strange reactions.