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So...I've been dating my boyfriend for almost 4 years..(4 years this october) We have been living together for almost a year. I have known I wanted to marry him for over 2 years now. We have both recently graduated from college him with his BS and I finished my MA. I have just started a new job and he hasn't found his career yet.
Here's the thing....I am tired of watching all of my friends get engaged, get married and start their families, while i feel I'm in the same spot I was 3 years ago. I feel like we're basically already married because we're already living together. He has said that he wants to marry me, but that first we had to finish school. Now he says that he needs to find a job before we get married.
What's even worse is that I feel like I'm in a catch 22 here because if i complain that we're not married and that I'm ultimately not happy, he gets mad and says "i'm not helping the situation" But I feel that if I don't say anything then I'm just supressing how I really feel.
I do understand that he wants to be financially secure and feel like an equal contributor to the household. But I think if you look at it there will always be a reason to wait to get married, and that if he really loved me he would just do it. I'm so tired of feeling like I'm waiting for him. I mean how long am I supposed to wait?
The more I think about it, I feel like there's no reason for him to marry me. That makes me feel so horrible, and I can't even say anything because he thinks I'm just trying to manipulate him to get a freaking ring. Maybe I should move out? I'm really confused, and needed someone to vent to. Any advice would be good.
Thanks.
hiya! welcome to the hive!! there are plenty of us in the same situation that you are or very similar, all waiting for the elusive proposal! i swear it's like finding a unicorn!! lol!!! i think that your boyfriend is waiting to find a job. i bet he probably feels really bad right now that you're the only one working and contributing and moving forward into being an "adult". no matter how old fashioned it sounds, the guy still wants to be the manly man taking care of the home and the woman that he loves and he wants to be the provider. I know it doesn't help when you're so ready to be his wife. As to how long should you stay, that's a question that only you can answer. Does he know how serious this is? I would definitely try to talk to him in a non-threatening matter and let him know how you feel and that this is seriously impacting your relationship. Be careful to make this as non-threatening as possible because he may feel like you're trying to completely pressure him (it doesn't sound like this to me, but guys are crazy strange characters). HTH!
I think that him wanting to have a job first is really reasonable. No matter how much he loves you, maybe his pride can't allow to say, essentially: Will you marry me (and support me?)?
Now, if he gets a job and a few months later says he's waiting for something else... maybe then reevaluate (meaning... have a very serious talk with him). But for now, I'd say just chill.
A man's PRIDE is a very serious issue! I'm sure that's whats keeping him from proposing now. He probably wants to find a SECURE job, work a couple of months, then propose! How else would he afford to get you any kind of ring with no income?! So I would give him some time, just let him get through this job hump first, I'm sure he feels stressed even trying to do that!
Just ask him nicely if he does see you both getting married in the future and leave it at that for now. Just get on his case maybe a couple months after he lands a job!
hi! welcome aboard.
as for waiting, i totally agree with jingle96. my guy is the same way. i suspect it's hard on his ego for me to be employed while he's looking for something. i don't push the engagement talk because i know that he needs to feel like he's contributing and able to take care of me since that's his "duty" as the man. i wouldn't begrudge him that just so we can get married sooner. i understand not wanting to watch everyone else get married around you but this situtation requires a delicate touch. i agree with asking if he sees you two being married in the future and stopping at that. it's a frustrating job market at the moment so any emotional support you can offer him will probably be greatly appreciated!
hang in there, you'll make it through 
Hi, welcome! Yes, you will hear this same/similar story throughout the hive and I was there too. I guess you need to decide how important getting married is to you and have a conversation with him. You said he has no reason to marry you - you're wrong because if that's what you want in order for the relationship to go forward, then that's his reason (other than the obvious ones like he loves you and wants to be with you forever).
Before you decide to do something like move out, do some real soul searching and figure out what you really want and need from him. Do you really need to be married right now or are you willing to wait? What if he never wants to get married, are you okay with that or would you move out if that's what you heard? Can you have a conversation with him and establish a reasonable timeline other than "Once I get a job" or "Once X happens". LIke within 1 year regardless of the job situation.
Not all guys are born dreaming about their wedding day and sometimes they don't realize how important being married actually is. Especially when you two already live together. He needs to understand how important toyou it is and he might need a more structured timeline.
Good luck!
Hi Everyone,
Thanks for the good advice... I do think he's waiting for a job. Moderndaisy... I think you're right... I'm willing to wait for him, but I do think there should be some conditions. I'm thinking that in May when our rental agreement is up, that I might move out, not break up necessarily but just let both of us rethink things.
I think the part that scares me is that I feel I have no control, that it's all on HIS timetable. I'm a very independent, impaitent, and take control type of person, I know what I want, and I just do it. He's kind of the oppossite, independent and uncertain of his decsions, but likes to think things through (overthinks alot of the time) on just about an everything. So I think like you said, we need to decide on a timetable so that way he feels I'm not forcing him to do it, but so I don't feel I'm going to wait forever and be left high and dry. I should also work on my paitence and not get my feathers all ruffled when I see another engagement announcement...
divergirl: you should soo read my vent!! lol!! i went on for pages :D but i did it all here and didn't take it out on m, a lot of great advice was given as well. now i look back and laugh because i'm "over it". lol
Diva, welcome to the club! I know it's probably old news, but believe me, dudes are hardwired to be providers. Even if you were making 3 times as much money as he was, and were totally confident in supporting both of you from here on in, I' be willing to bet he would still need some tangible way of "proving" that he is contributing equally to the relationship. Most guys I know seem to want to make sure all of their "life ducks" are in a row before taking the big plunge. I can't explain it, but I agree with several of the other bees that getting himself set up financially before proposing is a pretty reasonable request.
I TOTALLY feel you on the agony of witnessing your friends drop like flies. It sucks. I, too, am horribly impatient in life, and particularly when it comes to my relationship. My SO isn't really a planner, so it's often like pulling teeth with him to think about the future. Which isn't to say he hasn't or isn't thinking about it or making plans. I think having a frank conversation with him about where you want your life to go, both for yourself and with him, would help. And I agree that talking through some kind of timeline that you both can stick to would keep you both on track. Good luck!
Update....
So a few weeks ago, he went to his parents...after his trip he told me he had a convo. with his mom, where he asked her what she thought if we were married in the next year.... so I think that's a good sign right?
Definitely yea! Especially if he is close to his mom, that is a good sign :) YAY!
that's great! you're lucky your boyfriend is willing to talk with his mom about it. my boyfriend's mom acts so weird when anyone mentions marriage when my boyfriend and i are both in her presence. she sides with me when i'm alone with her, but when my boyfriend is around and something marriage related comes up she tells us that we shouldn't get married until we're 40! WTH we've been dating for 5.5 years and living together for 4!!
definitely a good sign (depending upon her answer lol boys can love their moms too mcuh sometimes)... what was the answer she gave him?
yeah im curious to know what their response was... :)
so from what he told me the convo. went something like this...
He said what she would think if we were married in the year...She said really marriedin the year, that's really quick..he said well maybe not married, but definitiely engaged.She said, she kind of expected that it would be soon, as we've been together 4 yrs (as of October) but that she likes me and thinks we're a good match for each other.
This is kind of paraphrased how he told me... he also said that she was talking about how women tend to be ready for marriage soonerthan men(she's a therapist)
Anyway, I'm pretty happy he talked to his mom, they aren't super close, and he rarely talks to her about me or our future. She had told him while he was growing up not to get married until he was 30...so it kind of sucked we met when we were 19 and 20.
Yes I agree he's probably looking for a job, but four years out and living together? He needs MOMENTUM.
It's time for the talk that I say is good to have to know the direction you both are headed. Is it in the same direction? Is his different from yours or are you both on parallel paths?
Bottom line is you're living together. Sharing expenses NOW. The man knows what to expect after marriage. Other than buying the ring and saying the words, he's got that seriously committed living arrangement right now.
Have the talk. If he's on the same page, don't bring it up again for a long while. If he's not, you have some thinking to do. Be kind and sweet and loving during the talk and listen alot.
My guy was saving to buy the ring without touching his savings. I found that out. And he wanted a really great stone too. So time sometimes does explain itself.
It's easy to suppose things. But it's another thing to ask the right questions, scary and sometimes difficult, but it's imho the best thing to do.
Alright bees.... so I'm just updating you on what is going on:
So since I last posted, he promised me that we'd be engaged by August. Keep in mind this was around last Nov./Dec. So, this is what I have decided: I am going to be paitent for the next couple monhts; BUT on July 31st I am giving him his 30 days notice. If we aren't any further than we were last year, then he's moving out. I don't know if I'll go as far as breaking up, but I'm over playing house. Either I'm good enough for him to marry or not.... and after 5 years, you either commit or step aside. The way I see it, he's had his job for a couple months now...we've been living together for over a year, I don't think he has any other excuses.
I'll keep you updated whether he makes it or breaks it!
Good luck girl!! Im kind of in the same sitch right now as well..it really sucks!!!
Maybe give it a little cushion time rather than the cut off the day before august? Engaged by august means sometime in august, not the first of the month. Maybe he's plannign something awesome and just needs to get the details together. What if on July 31st you give him the ultimatum and shit goes down and the whoel time he's plannign an awesome proposal in just a couple of weeks? Give it a little time. Men get really nervous about proposing, which we think is crazy bcuase its like "of course were going to say yes what are you nervuos about"... but they do.
Just try and hang tight. I know you've been together for a long time but you're also still pretty young. Try and enjoy this time of your relationship together instead of rushing things. (ever heard the country song, "youre gonna miss this" by trace atkins? google it...)
What do these boys do??
Im in the same boat - been with the man for 5 years in June and have been living together for 2.5 and bought a home together 5 months ago.
We agreed together over a year ago that we would be engaged by my 27th Birthday in November, so not long to go now!
I think a bit of pressure helps, but talking is always the best option.
Although, im also waiting so perhaps my advice means squat! ha ha
Good Luck!
Just to clarify... I realize he said by August, that is why he get 30 days starting July 31st. So if nothing is new by the end of August then he needs to find a new place to live.
I don't think you are rushing it at all. 4 years, are you kidding me? And who cares how young you are? Please keep us updated and please please please keep your word with him. If you do not put your foot down he will continue to walk all over you.
Wishing you the best and do make sure the guy has a heads' up...a vague heads' up. Like maybe you doing a change of attitude? Maybe scheduling a girls' trip somewhere? maybe working out more or getting a new hair style or makeover? Something to make him see you're movin' ahead. Go out and don't tell him much. But all the while do let him know you've been doing some serious thinkin' and don't elaborate on it. Let him sweat it out. I had a gf who did this and one month before her dd (departure date from the relationship) she had a gorgeous ring. He had seriously no idea anything was even amiss, but he got it really quickly when he pondered how his life might be without her in it and he didn't like it at all!
Btw, they have 2 kids and are super happy. :) She gave no ultimatum per se, just changed her routine and actions and mixed things up a bit. It rocked his world. Esp the part when she went out with us (the gals) and didn't really call home or make a big to do about it. Just came home when she wanted to.
He needs to become a man with a plan (and a ring) or else become a man with some packing tape and a helluva lot of boxes and having to move himself.
Fantastic advice Bellenga! I read somewhere once that men fall in love with your absence. When you are not around they think about you more and miss you. Reminds them to appreciate you.
So I took the advice from my first post, and we did talk about it. He knows how I feel, and thats where the August time line came into play. Since then I have been very paitient and stayed off his case, so I think I should just hold him to the timeline He agreed to. We do talk, about this, and I'm just going to hold my ground.
good luck, I hope there's a guy (hopefully your beau) on one knee with a shiny ring waiting for you in August. =)
Good luck - I hope you get the proposal. This scenario is why I'm apprehensive about the moving in thing. My SO has brought that up and we've loosely starting talking through the logistics. What I don't want is for him to move in and it take another year, or two, or three for the engagement. Although, I do want to iive with him because I love him and we're an hour away. Tired of the commute thing on the weekends and missing him all week.
So - since no solid plans are laid yet for the move-in, I'm considering a "no" until I get a ring. I haven't decided. And we haven't talked about marriage yet. I want it to 100% be his idea and I don't want any ring shopping. I want the complete surprise.
we've been together a year and 8 months.
Oh - us poor little bees.
it'll happen...I suggest hanging in. It sounds like you're close.
Update: 3 more days left until August..... He says "it's coming" I'm skeptical....October it will be 5 years... this month is going to be crazy workwise...I'll focus on that and try to hang in there.
Try not to ask or pressure him. Let it be a surprise. Don't take that away from yourself. I waited 8 years for my FI to propose! Think of how longggg, that was!
Hope that makes you feel a tiny bit better!
Take NatDawn advice, and don't pressure him. Because I did and, well, we he proposed, we got married, and am I happy? No. I was so in love after 3 years of relationship, so expected him to propose, but he just joked around and made fun of the whole wedding thing. Everyone around was getting married we attended all these weddings and he kept talking how he wants his wedding to be, but apparently had no clue that I am waiting for him to propose. So I hinted, then I asked, then I cried, gave him deadlines (there were like 5 deadlines 2 months apart ), threatened to move out, etc. He proposed. Did not plan it or anything, just pulled out the ring in a community park. This whole thing felt so forced, I regretted it right away. So, now we are married and he says he is happier than ever, he wants children right away, loves being a husband, just beams with love and joy. Well, everyone expects me to be soooo happy now and I am not, I still have a bitter aftertaste. I hate myself for not being able to be happy, cause I wanted it so much, but I feel as I've robbed myself. I am not saying that's how you'd feel, but be careful.
@divergirl- good luck and I hope it happens early in August!
@Valaree- That really puts things into a different perspective for me and my waiting, thanks for sharing your story. I hope you can feel happier in your marriage. It sounds like he wouldn't have it any other way right now and is very happy with you as his wife so you should give yourself a break, he would not have proposed if he didn't want to.
I waited 7 years for him to propose - living together in a house we bought 4 years ago. He proposed last month. I never pressured him, asked occassionally, he knew I wanted it one day, and I knew it was a big step for him. He was not afraid, just wasn't ready. Basically, we knew we loved each other, were confident in our relationship and knew that in the end, even if we never got married, that we were together forever. When he did finally ask, you should have seen him. He was SO PROUD! He was ready. That moment, seeing his face (and the ring was beautiful too!), I knew WE were ready to make it official. The one thing I will always remember from our proposal - his face - proud. Everything else is secondary. Do what you think is right but know there are those of us out who waited & the prize at the end - so incredibly worth it!!
Thanks so much for your story. It's made me feel so much better about my situation. I'm actually in the same boat. I found this post by googleing "how long should I wait for my boyfriend to propose" lol... Anyways, we will have been together for 4 years in November. We've lived together pretty much the whole time we've been together. We never fight or argue (about anything serious) and we get along great! We've talked about marriage and kids a million times and I know he wants those things for us. It's just seeming to take forever! Not to mention, my mother has a lot of health problems and I get a lot of pressure from her to get married and have kids. And it doesn't help that EVERYONE around me is getting married and having kids. Plus, we live in a very family oriented neighborhood. Anyways, we've been through a lot financially and he was even laid off earlier last year. He's lost a house and is now filing bankrupcy. In this economy all kinds of craziness is going on w/jobs being lost as well as homes. He's gotten two jobs since then, the most recent better than the last. We're even making the same amount of money now...if not, he's making more. So, I know he wants to wait until he's financially secure to propose...but what drives me crazy is how he refuses to make payments on a ring. He wants to pay for it all at once. I don't know if he'll EVER have that much money at once. Not that I need some huge, expensive, extravagant ring but I did show him one I liked at Jared and now he's focused on getting me that one some day...even though I told him he didn't have to. He knows the general attributes I like in a ring and he could get one from anywhere. Everyone I know has made payments on a ring or used store credit (which he prob couldn't get rignt now) so I don't know where this idea of paying for a ring all at once comes from. ANYWAYS, thanks again for your story. You have helped me to see that I am not alone and I look forward to finding out what happens next for you guys. Keep us informed! :)
I gotta say, I think a lot of the 'he's not ready' stuff is a lot of crap. Not always, but when you're a certain age, you've lived together for several years, and you've been together for even longer? It's crap. I'm dealing with it too and the only reason I give him a break at all is because he's still in school and working a part-time job. He's doing his best to finish quickly though and while I'm super impatient, I appreciate his efforts and his desire to have a decent income. HOWEVER. The man spends around $150-$200 every two to three months on protein powder, supplements, god knows what else. We've been together for four years. Considering you can get a very nice, 1 carat solitare ring for $3000, I could probably have a very nice ring if someone could manage to save money instead of make excuses and then blow it on crap he doesn't need. Thus my frustration and why I'm on the waiting list, so I don't blow up at him. Honestly, men need to sack up and ask. I'm all for women being strong and independent, but I'm wondering if us being strong and independent is leading to men who are weak and girlie. Hmph.
@artichokey: I'm glad you got all of that out on here and not on him! I know how frustrating the waiting period can be. As I said, my FI and I were together nearly 8 years before we got engaged! It was a little annoying. Now you should see us, moving at a snails pace, getting to the wedding part! I bet my FI could put THAT off for another 8 years too! Patience pays off though. You do not want to spend your married life wondering if just a little bit of it, was forced.
Hang in there!
Hugs.
As I said, my FI and I were together nearly 8 years before we got engaged! It was a little annoying. Now you should see us, moving at a snails pace, getting to the wedding part! I bet my FI could put THAT off for another 8 years too!
I'm wondering if these types of posts actually serve their intended purpose. It seems like some posters will use this as justification for telling others not to pressure their SOs and just wait. However, hearing that your FI kept you waiting eight years does nothing to extend my patience. If anything, it makes me increasingly agitated, thinking to myself: "if he makes me wait eight years, I'm going to be forty and trying to conceive. Now I'm REALLY freaking out!!!"
I think that's what a lot of us Bees fear, that our SO's will keep us waiting 6, 7, or 8 years. All these posts do is reinforce the idea that patiently waiting without applying any pressure whatsoever might very well result in waiting an extraordinary long time, which seems to justify pushing a little even more, right?
@lezlers: wow! You hit the nail on the head. You always have such insightful replies!
If we don't push, who will? Most of the engaged Bees out there had the conversation with their SO's that they wanted to get married. Most of the time the woman brought it up. Not as an ultimatum, as a conversation. It's important for couples to discuss their future, right?
Alright so it's August 26th....He's out of town until September 1st...so it's obviously not going to happen. I know he says its going to happen, and that he already knows what he wants go get...I don't think he's even done any shopping... I would be lying if I said I wasn't bummed.
Our 5 year anniversary is in October, and if we aren't engaged, I don't think I want to celebrate our anniversary. I'm just really frustrated bees, I've explained to him how living together and not being engaged makes me feel and he said he could understand...but I can't help but think this just isn't a priority to him.
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