Post # 1
A thread yesterday got me thinking about this. What are your thoughts on “I’m not ready to get engaged because of finances”?
I don’t necessarily mean something like not having a job yet because you’re in school. That makes sense. Or maybe saving for a ring. But anything else? I think it can be a lame excuse. Like, how much money do you need to be engaged? My H and I both had debt when we married, but that didn’t prevent us from doing it.
What do you thinK?
Post # 3
Based on hints my SO has dropped, he wants to get into a higher paying position before we move to the next step so that we can live comfortably. He makes okay money now but is still at his first job out of college and only supports himself. It would be hard for him to save for a ring, pay for part of a wedding, buy a house, and help support a wife on his current salary. Luckily he has been job searching!
Post # 4
@oneofthesethings: It of course varies per situation but I think it’s a bit of a cop out.
I totally understand holding off on having kids because of money issues, but getting married, not so much.
This I understand:
-Guy is single, doesn’t want anything serious until he is established in career. Makes this clear to anyone he dates.
This I don’t understand:
-Guy is dating girl for yeeears and stringing her along. Career isn’t coming very quickly but he is happy to have her act as a wife.
I just don’t think you can have it both ways. If you don’t want to commit, don’t get into a serious relationship.
I have to say though, that women (myself included – years ago) need to believe men when they say they don’t want to get married. Trying to convince/change a guy is silly.
Post # 5
I am 100% behind you on the excuse of money being LAME!! I think it might boil down to a man wanting to provide and feel like he can do it on his own. I know my SO has never said that before or used the excuse of money, but I think he has been waiting till he got his raise and soon a bonus. Stupid… I know! I could care less about the size of the ring. I just want to marry him!
Post # 6
Well we are young and have had money issues. Well I first got a promise ring. 2 years later (he saved up) for an engagement ring..much bigger. Due to money issues we have had a LONG engagement (and he has upgraded my ring since) LOL. We are saving up to get Married and move-out/buy our own house all at once (VERY EXPENSIVE and have never lived together before).
Why not get a ring you can afford and have a long engagement? Just my opinion.
Post # 7
We do not use the excuse…just have made engagement longer so we know we can stand on our own two feet. I do agree it can be lame to NOT get engaged or anything and claim money…he CAN get u a RING…maybe not as big as he would like but still!
To me its the thought that matters.
Post # 8
@canarydiamond: Yes exactly. I got jumped on by someone here for saying this in a different thread, but men generally say what they mean and mean what they say. You don’t really have to search for some deeper meaning.
Post # 9
I think it depends on the individual couple. If he’s saying he doesn’t want to get married because he doesn’t make enough money it could just be an excuse. If he’s saying yes I want to marry you, I’m broke, I have a plan and it will take me x amount of time, are you ok with waiting while I save? That’s a different storey. Guys who pull that lame oh I can’t afford to get married and I don’t know what the future holds crap can hit the road.
Post # 10
In other words of he’s serious about a woman he will make it happen and he will let her know what he’s doing to make it happen.
Post # 11
I think it’s a legit reason, in some circumstances, but I agree that it can be a handy excuse; how much is “enough” to get married if you’ve been saying the reason you aren’t moving forward is your lack of savings/ not a big enough salary? I know my dad keeps reminding me that he and my mom had $200 between the two of them after they got married and moved to where his new job was going to be. But then again, money is the one thing keeping my SO and I from already being engaged… I am a student and only recently found a job, he is in a rocky period with starting his own business, and my dad is still helping me financially until I finish school and can work full time. That being said, we’re looking at being married within about two years, and have given ourselves the goal of being financially independent as a couple by then. It’s nice to have a goal for both of us to work towards, and we have a definite timeline.
I think there’s a difference between being poor, and not being able to make rent without your parents’ help… But we’re young and we’ve got jobs and educations and are well on our way to becoming completely independent. If we were both able to pay all of our bills at this point in time without any help, I think we’d already be engaged, and wouldn’t be putting that off for a few more months. But with the way things stand, we just can’t justify moving forward with an engagement right away while we don’t feel like financially stable adults. Hopefully soon though, lots of incentive to work hard at school and my job!
Post # 12
Money is a legitimate reason, to a degree. Until he got a reliable job, we couldn’t afford the expenses of living together, so we were waiting for this point to buy the ring (which we did, a month later). I think it is silly to want to pay off all debt before getting married. You are allowed to work on it together right? I mean, partnership and all is how I see it. We both have car loans, and I have a personal loan out for major dental work I needed to get done, but we manage just fine, and will continue to when we get engaged, move in together, and get married.
Post # 13
I’m in the “not engaged for financial reasons” and I find it completely legitimate. Some guys may use it as a cop out, but some people really are struggling financially- especially in this economy! SO was making good money but he HATED his job. SO went back to school and school was more expensive than he thought and he blew through his savings. Now he is a starving student and trying to save up for an engagement ring that he thinks is “decent” enough to give me. Could he get me a hundred dollar ring tomorrow? Sure! Would I take it? You bet- and happily! But he wants to give me a nice ring because he is almost 30 and he is prideful. Getting engaged with modest rings when you are young and poor, it is very sweet and kinda romantic, but SO feels like we are old enough that he needs to give me something better. Would I prefer a ring that costs more than $100? Sure- I LOVE sparkle! And that’s why we aren’t engaged yet, because he is saving up and I am willing to wait for that (until August 2013).
But outside of school, I still think it is still legitimate. Playing devil’s advocate, once people are married their finances are joined and MANY married couples fight about money- debt, spending habits, etc. The reality is that finances are a big part of marriages and can drive people apart. Not having enough money to support yourselves is a huge stress on a marriage! And maybe you are fine now, but what if one spouse gets laid off tomorrow? Then will you be okay? What if someone has an accident and can’t work? What if that person didn’t have health insurance and you have astronomical hospital bills? My opinion is that finances can be a HUGE stressor on a marriage and marriage is already difficult without that added stress of the bill collector called, we may lose the house, they are going to turn the electricty off, we can’t afford a vacation, etc. I think people who want to make sure their finances are in order may legitimately just want the marriage to be successful in the long term by helping to eliminate or mitigate that source of stress and tension. Aren’t finances the #1 causes of divorces? Just another point of view.