Post # 1
I just wanted to have a discussion about this article’s thoughts on cohabiting before marriage
it seems like the message is saying dont do it because you will be more stuck and less happy with your marriage when you finally do get married?
Post # 2
I feel like I can see both sides of the argument. I feel that your expectations are more realistic when you have already lived together.
I know a lot of people say that the first year of marriage is the hardest, and that certainly has not been the case for us. The first year of living together was defintely way more difficult than our first year of marraige.
Post # 3
I think the message is think about it more before you do it, and don’t just move in together because it is convenient! Also, talk about what the move will mean to your relationship.
Post # 4
- Wedding: April 2013 - A court...
Ms_Pink: maybe they mean the first year is hardest for couples that didn’t move in together until marriage? Would make sense :p.
Post # 5
- Wedding: April 2013 - Valparaiso, IN
atreyu547: that wasn’t the case for my husband and me.
Post # 6
Interesting article and I can relate. An old boyfriend and I did this in my mid/his late 20’s. We were together for three years until he left me for someone else. I was thinking we were getting married because it naturally was the next step. He was postponing commitment until something more… motivating came along. I was devastated and it cost a ton of money to break up. How we wound up together was exactly in the article. We spent a lot of time together, commuting to each other’s place was annoying, and it was more cost-effective to move in.
Fast forward four years later and I’m engaged and living with my fiance. I swore I would never live with another man again unless he were serious about me. But 6 months after dating DF and I were living together. My rent was going up, I was in grad school, etc.- it just made more sense.
The biggest difference this time is the amount of commitment we had/have for each other. We talked alot about our future and our commitment to being happy together. Being in my 30’s and being a bit wiser helped, so did finding a guy that’s head-over-heels in love with me. But mostly it’s having freedom to communicate EVERYTHING and the respect to make your partner feel valued and your relationship valuable. We’ve been together for almost two years and he’s my best friend. I don’t think living together has as much to do with that than just loving each other. 🙂
Post # 7
elliptical2013: I think the message is that moving in together should be a concsious decision that you discuss with as much weight as your would discuss marriage. <br /><br />
When my FI and I moved in together we had been together for almost two years. During those two years we lived an hour apart from each other so we only slept over at each others houses during weekends. It would have been really easy for us to move in together at this point because my FI was in school full time which was about half way between where I lived and where his mom lived (he lived at home at the time so he could go to school without working) but we really took things slow and waited. When we both graduated from our respective community colleges we made a decision to go to University together and decided we wanted to move in together. We both agreed beforehand that we were moving in together because we wanted to, and not because we wanted to save money. We also agreed we were moving in together because we knew we wanted to marry each other.
Before moving in together we had all of the talks we would have had before marriage. Do you want kids? How many? What do you want to do for a job? Where do you want to live when we finish school? Are we okay with me staying home with the kids, or do I want to work/you expect me to work. We also even agreed on a timeline at this point of when we were going to get married, even though we were engaged.
I see a lot of couples move in together because of the convenience. People get cell phone contracts together, and sign leases together. (My FI and I didn’t even get a cell phone plan together until this past fall!) It shouldn’t be about saving money, and convenience, it should be just as important to you as marriage, and in my opinion you should take the decision to move in together just as seriously as you would the decision to get married.
Post # 8
that is very true
a good roommate who shares bills etc doesnt automatically mean a good husband/partner
Post # 9
elliptical2013: I think that line about women seeing moving in together as a step closer to marriage and guys see it as putting off marriage. I see soooooo many stories on here where the woman is waiting and waiting to be asked and then you read her story. We live together, bought a house together, had a kid together, whatever. Why would he marry you? He has everything without that piece of paper commitment. I think you can get to know someone by dating them and spending a lot of time with them. You don’t have to live with them. Give ’em something to want, Bees!!
Post # 10
I did my master’s thesis research with cohabitating couples, so I reviewed this literature in detail (though that was 2 years ago now). The media has given a lot of attention to the potential “dangers” of cohabitation, maybe cause it attracts reader interest, but not to other studies which qualify these findings. More recent studies suggest that couples who generally decide they want to pursue something permanent before moving in together tend not to experience increased rates of divorce, marital dissatisfaction, etc.
As PPs have said, living together before marriage is more likely to be problematic for couples who make decisions based on convenience, money, etc. or who are not on the same page about where their relationship is going. This is absolutely not to say that these situations cannot work out well for some couples – we’re talking generalizations here. Also, “selection” factors may play a role in the findings reported in the article. Couples who move in together before marriage are more likely to demonstrate other characterstics also associated with higher divorce rates (when compared with those who only cohabitate after marriage). For example, cohabitators may be less religious and more likely to view divorce as an option when things go seriously wrong. Those who choose to wait for marriage for religious reasons may choose to stay together even when a relationship has turned sour. So cohabitation itself may not be the issue, but other related factors.
Moving in together a couple years before we got married was the right decision for DH and I. I think it allowed us to feel more ready for marriage when the time came. Though I have seen situations where people found it difficult to leave a bad relationship because they were living with their partner and felt they had nowhere else to go.
Regardless of the statistics, it’s important for couples to discuss their future intentions and potential concerns before moving in together, as well as for individuals to think about what the disadvantages and advantages might be for them personally. I am interested in some of these general trends, but telationships are complex and every one is so different!
Post # 11
- Wedding: October 2013 - Dalhousie Castle
I really thought that though the article talked about the drawbacks of living together before marriage, the main warning that came across was don’t just marry someone because it’s easy or convenient. The woman in therapy basically said she knew she wasn’t that happy with him, but she married him because they had been together so long. Probably not the best idea.
Post # 12
elliptical2013: I got married at 21 without cohabitating beforehand. I was happy in that marriage a little less than a year. By 2 years I was seriously considering divorce and by 4 years 8 months I looked at him one day and said “I want a divorce.” He looked at me and said “Ok, me too.” He moved out of our bedroom that night.
I think it hurt us in the long run to have not cohabitated. This time we’ve been living together for over a year and a half. I prefer this. I’m much happier and in love now than I had been with my first husband.
Post # 13
This sort of happened with my ex.. moved in together out of convenience and told me we would eventually get married but we just didn’t get along and ended up breaking up after we were both miserable for years.. which was lucky on my part. I’m glad I got out before I made a big mistake. But he changed his mind too and I finally stopped caring when I realized it was a dead end relationship.. we just had no respect for each other. That relationship ended after wasting years of my life but it’s ok because I met my fiance. We don’t technically live together and won’t until my lease is up, but I’ve been living at his place for the past 7-8 months. I’m thinking it will be a good transition.
Post # 14
elliptical2013: I do agree with the article because I have seen the slide in end poorly many times. When people view it as a rest with a quick exit that is but then realize the exit isn’t so easy and they stay because it is hard to move out! But not everyone that cohabitates thinks that way. My husband wanted to live together before getting engaged, I didn’t because I didn’t want it to be a way to delay engagement. We had open conversations about it and decided that within 6 months we would be engaged. There was never a doubt in my mind that he wouldnt propose because of all the marriage talk we had first. Too often I think women are afraid to talk marriage early and often because they don’t want to push the man away but if you don’t you end up in a situation you aren’t happy with anyways.
Personally I am glad we lived together first and ir made our first year of marriage totally enjoyable because we already had worke the kinks out!
Post # 15
No sliding here- I refuse to move in with out an engagement.