Weddingbee boards

Okay so I haven't been waiting that long but SO and I have known we've wanted to marry each other since we first started dating 2 years ago. He has proposed twice in the past 2 years (not "for real" with a ring but very seriously asking me if I would spend my life with him etc). We're LD so we talk about everything, he asks me questions about what I'd want my wedding to be like and at this point we've basically planned the details of our wedding.

We've gone to look at rings twice (the second time we just ended up at the same place with the jeweler we'd gone to before whom we had loved) and tried on the same ring twice!! And on many occasions we've talked about a timeline.

SO has asked me how long I'd ideally like my engagement to be. He said he's aiming for 12-24 month engagement and the only thing stopping him is $$. SO has a lot of debt from various things (a house, a store he owned and sold, school). All in all he has about $70,000 in the hole.

BEES I'm so impatient, I want to be engaged and get married but I can't contribute to our funds because I'm in school and he's struggling with the debt. I just have to wait but it's so hard! It's so hard calling him my "boyfriend" when I don't feel that term comes close to expressing how I feel about him. What makes it harder is my parents think we're just "a phase" and my dad won't accept us dating. He's being very childish about the whole thing. I know it might seem silly but I think being engaged might force him to deal with his issues when he realizes we're not going anywhere.

That and SO's mom can stop ushering me out of pictures and saying "just in case!" UGH

I'm not going anywhere! :(

@shirasagi:  I agree! I mean, I understand where she's coming from (he was engaged before and her birthday present was professional family photos and he broke off the engagement shortly after) but at the same time it makes me feel crappy.. His sister had a baby and I went to the baptism in a church (I am so uncomfortable in churches and SO knows this) anyways we sat through the entire service and at the end it was a picture op. No one asked me to go up, I stood in the pew while they took pictures. EVERYONE else was in the pictures except me. I literally was in the pew alone.

Finally his mom had me come over and there's ONE slightly blurry half-dark picture of me.

I get it. I'm not "officially" in the family it just sucks. (I'm almost crying now reliving that moment!) Don't get me wrong, I love his family maybe even a bit more than mine and they looooveee me. But I just want it to be more official.

He did say though that he won't be waiting to pay off ALL his debt because it would take too long. In fact he's saving money now (I assume he's shoveling some of his savings off to a ring savings bank account!)

But I don't want to do the whole "we're engaged!!" thing until we have the actual ring. I don't know, I just.. I would be okay with a promise ring on my right hand but not 2 engagement rings

@kayberry:  I agree, that does suck.  Thankfully, when my cousin got married last fall they allowed SO to be in the family photo of us (I think it may have been because we were together for close to 1.5 years before my cousin and his wife started dating).  That made me really happy.

BUT, I've heard since last Canada Day weekend (July 1st) that his family is going on a cruise this Christmas and it's only going to be familly invited.  This is despite the fact that we will have been together for 4.5 years at that point and have spent Christmas together since 2009!  SO has said that he wonders if its because they'd have to invite his little sister's boyfriend as well (we've been together 2 years longer! They'll only be barely 17 FFS!!).  Plus, both his parents and grandparents who are going would have been married 3+ years after being together 4.5 years, so it sucks that they don't sympathize with this more.  SO has said he has something he wants to talk to me about when I see him next week for reading week (we're also LD) and I'm trying not to get my hopes up that maybe this has changed.

I hate feeling like I'm not entirely good enough because I'm waiting and I hate that others have to deal with this, but I'm glad I'm not alone.

@AnastasiaM:  AH another Canada bee :) I haven't seen my SO since New Years but I'll be seeing him on the 17th when I get to go back to stay with him for reading week (my birthday is on the 20th too!)

I mean, HIS family is awesome (the pictures incident has come up a bit more than I'd like..) but other than that it's awesome. They're throwing me a birthday party and I'm really excited because it'll be the first time that my birthday is actually JUST my day (I'm a twin).

In fact his sister is going on vacation to a destination wedding in the Dominican next January and his mom was talking about having the family go up to stay after the wedding is over and making a vacation out of it. She said she wanted to invite both me and SO so that was nice.

Except I can't go because it'll be right in the middle of January.

@AnastasiaM:  I hate that feeling too and you're definitely not alone!! <3 You are good enough.

I hate feeling like I have to proove to everyone that I'm going to stay with my SO. Like, we've arleady over come a lot of odds and hurdles to be together (he's 13 years older and telling my parents was a night mare, there was a lot of secrecy and then anger and my dad's STILL acting like a child and it's been 2 years). Do you think I'm going to leave him? NO! :P

@kayberry:  Thanks. =)

Yay, I didn't realize you were another Canada bee.  I'm also in university and my birthday is on the 20th too (but in September).  My father also has a history of acting like a bit of a child sometimes too, I hope yours starts being more accepting of you two.  I also hope things go well with your SO paying down debt so you can start planning your life together soon.

That's good to hear that your SO's family is usually good.  Mine are too, which is why this surprised me.  At least when we finally do get MILs, we won't have to worry too much about the evil MIL stereotype. 

@AnastasiaM:  What are you taking in university and how are you liking it?

Ha the stereotype! No I got really really lucky with SO's family. His mom is a very social person and will pretty much make everyone her new best friend but she pretty much loves me because I *ask* to bake with her, and I sew (poorly) and knit (kind of alright) and enjoy crafty things like she does. Gosh she's so funny!

Yeah my dad (he's actually my step dad) he's always been a child. He has anger and temper issues as well as being anti social. I'd LOVE for him to accept us but I don't expect it. I just wish he would stop avoiding us and getting grumpy when we show up to family things. My mom acts as the mediator so when she invites me she always goes "and it would be better if SOname didn't come just for some people.."

UGH. I don't know how I'm going to break it to him that I don't want him walking me down the aisle or saying a speech...

@kayberry:  I'm a 3rd year history major with a psych minor.  I plan to go to teacher's college in the fall of 2013, hopefully to teach high school.  SO graduated a couple weeks ago and will (hopefully) be a certified paramedic after his board exam on Wednesday. *fingers crossed*  What are you studying?

Ah, personality problems in a father figure.  My father has one of the worst tempers I've ever seen and is convinced he's always right.  We aren't close at all either, so I don't plan on having him walk me down the aisle.  I know both my parents want to and I don't know how to break it to them if I decide to walk down alone or with just my mother.   Ugh.  I'm even more worried about if I decide not to invite his side of the family, because of the way my sister and I have been treated.  I realllly don't want to have to deal with that.

Even though I don't agree with everything SO's parents do (his youngest sister is spoiled and both of his sisters doon't have as much expected of them as he does), it's nice that SO's parents are so welcoming.  Plus, the fact that they're still so happy after nearly 26 years of marriage, 27 years togther total, is encouraging.  I hope to still be as excited as they are 23 years in the future.

@AnastasiaM:  Wow we're like twins! Except my family's the one with the spoiled younger sibling and the one who doesn't have much expected of her and gets stuff handed to her (my little sister and twin sister respectively).

I'm crossing my fingers for your SO !!!

As for the wedding drama - definitely in the same boat although I have no prior experience to go by. I'll probably be the first from my immediate family to get married (twin is childish and never in stable relationships. She works at a stag shop if that's any indication) so I'm kind of worried.. I mean publicly he's never been bad.. but he gets grumpy and such so I don't know WHAT to expect

Oh I'm currently in my second year of a Bachelor's of Science in Animal Biology but I'm waiting to hear from the university if I got accepted to transfer into a Bachelor's of Science in Nursing

@MissTX:  BAH <3 so true. I discussed it with him actually - the name thing. He agreed. But at the same time I don't want to start calling him FI and get a not real engagement ring because I don't want to lessen the moment when it actually happens.

I feel like when I say "my boyfriend" I have to like, explain how serious we are ha!

@MissTX:  @kayberry:  I totally agree about the "boyfreind" thing.  I think people don't take my relationship with SO as seriously when I have to call him my boyfriend, especially because we're only 20 & 21.  I hate having to call him the same thing as people who have only been with their boyfriend for a couple months... it's been nearly four years for Pete's sake!  We aren't financially stable enough to get married yet, but being able to call him my fiance sure would be nice!

@AnastasiaM:  SO agreed. And yeah, we have no money too.

Also, don't get me started on the age thing!

How come at 20 I can't know what I want? HM? How come I can't know who I want to marry? ><

ugh. My parents seriously treat me like SO and I won't last

@kayberry:  Ugh, money.  We aren't really in debt, thankfully... I'm doing okay on grants and haven't touched my OSAP money, while the money SO borrowed was from his parents interest-free.  However, priorities at the moment include tuition and SO getting a post-college job, so I probably have a year + to wait for my ring.

Even though having no money sucks, it seems like your SO is smart with money... school and a house are "good" debt, and a store is not like credit card debt (it sucks that it didn't work out, but it doesn't seem stupid).  And being broke while in school, while not fun, is expected.

We can be broke, Canadian, university-attending waiting bees together.

@AnastasiaM:  Hee hee yes we will be broke Canadian bees together.

Yes SO is smart with his money he just can't catch a break. Honestly the poor thing, he often breaks down about how hard he's working and how every time he gets ahead there's something new. His store was actually quite a success but he ended up selling it due to a bitchy ex who demanded he sell it to spend more time with him (she was actually cheating on him at that time too! the nerve! thanks for ruining my SO's finances bitch!!)

So yeah. I'm thinking I have about a year to wait for the ring too. It depends - he also has excellent taste in diamonds and wants a H&A 1ct D-F coloured and as close to flawless as possible stone. So.. yeah that stone alone is like the amount I've paid for school and living so far.

You're lucky you haven't touched your osap. I'm only using OSAP and no other assistance so I'm pretty much living penny to penny

@kayberry:  Thankfully, I'm living with my mother so there's that.  Also, because she makes very little I got a lot of grants.  I did have to take 3 instead of 5 classes last year though (thankfully I had a transfer credit from high school), so I need to take a class this summer in addition to working.  Getting money (and information) from my father is like pulling teeth... even though he has been told he has to pay a certain amount of my school money (my parents have been divorcing for 3+ messy years) I am still waiting to see some of my money from last year.

Your poor SO. =( That ex of his sure does sound like a bitch.  You're already messing with the guy's personal life, leave his financial life out of it too.  Sheesh.  It does seem  like the nicest people end up being the ones with the worst luck while the obnoxious ones get everything they want though, ugh.

@AnastasiaM:  It's so true, my poor SO. He went through school to be a doctor and didn't get accepted to medical school and because his parents made "too much" (except they couldn't afford to pay for his schooling - go figure? he was using bank loans) he couldn't afford to stay and re apply so he graduated and started working as a lab tech in a hospital instead (very low paying job).

He doesn't come from a great background - has friends who do drugs etc. He knows people who make more in a day than he would in a year but he's very honest and believes a hard days' work is the only way to earn money but it's like everything he does never works out. Poor guy I just want to cuddle him until he has money!!

Living at home would be nice but I can't stand my parents' house. My step dad smokes a cigarette every 5 minutes, there's 2 dogs, 5 cats, every animal imaginable and CONSTANTLY something going on. I was glad to get away but lo and behold that means paying bills and groceries. I mean, I HAD to anyways because my university is 4 hours away but still.

@kayberry:  Yeah, the loan process is weird.  SO dropped out of university after two years because he hated it and was skipping all the time.  Because of that he did poorly (naturally) and his parents refused to pay for his tuition at the private college he went to this past year (even though he ended up getting better marks than his sisters in high school once he started, but I digress).  Same thing happened to him... his parents made too much money, he wasn't considered independent, and he wasn't able to get a loan.  Thankfully, he had some RESP money and his parents gave him a loan, because otherwise he would have collected a ton of debt on a line of credit and bank loans. *shudder*

I spent first year six hours away from home, living with SO.  Second year, I was back home, but in the same city as SO (we both were in our hometown).  Now, my mom and sister have moved to where my university is and I'm at home AND in an LDR.  I feel like I'm moving backwards instead of forwards sometimes.  I just keep trying to remind myself that I'm saving money, but sometimes there are days when it sucks.  Then again, I'd say it sucked living on my own and being broke.  I guess I need to cross my fingers and hope for the best when I graduate in a couple years and that it doesn't take me forever to find a teaching job (not likely in this market, but I can hope!).

Also, I just saw that you're 20, too.  This is weird haha.  My mom was kind of weird about it when SO first gave me a promise ring (on my 17th birthday) and didn't want me to marry young.  I think now that she's known him for so long, thought about how her marriage went even though she got married at a "safe" age (29, which was well above the average at the time), and realizes a wedding is still two or three (please not four!!) years away, she's calmed down.  SO's parents really can't say anything, because when his dad was his age they were married and when his mom was his age, they were a couple months away from getting married... plus, they dated for 2 months before getting engaged and we're looking at 5 years or so of dating before getting engaged.

@AnastasiaM:  Yeah that sounds like SO's situation but he didn't have any RESP so bank loans it was! My mom got married young and had me young - she met my dad in highschool and they became highschool sweethearts. He knew he wanted to marry her when they were still in highschool. So she can't really say anything about *MY* age because I'll be at about par with her.  (I'm not 20 yet - I'll be 20 on the 20th actually haha, I just say I am because it's so close).

I've got about $20,000 of OSAP debt which isn't bad because apparently as SO says they excuse you of a lot of it. I'll probably have about another $24k added to that before I'm done my bachelor's (If I switch into nursing it will probably take me 3 years to complete whereas if I stay here it'll be 2 years - I'm switching late into the program but it's so scheduled I can't skip that much.)

@Scottish_lassie:  Yeah she does do that. I mean Christmas was alright, we would all be in a picture and then she'd be like "and now Kay, you move over here" or I'd get to be the one at the camera trying to get SO's sister's baby to look that way... The WORST was the baptism, they didn't even take a couple pictures with me in and then a couple without.

All the pictures were taken while I stood awkwardly in the pew. Finally SO's mom noticed I was there and had me in one picture with SO and the baby but none of all of the family and me (I swear I had a huge lump in my throat I was almost crying. I came here to a church where I am uncomfortable to show my support and love for your family and I get to stand awkwardly like the uninvited weird person).

@Scottish_lassie:  As for the money, yes this is the first year that SO has been able to pay some of his debt down and save money. Not sure what all his goals are (he's so big on surprises that I doubt I'll know if/how much he's saved for the ring or when he's bought it!) but mine are to do my best in university (I've never failed an exam thankfully) and hopefully get accepted to the Nursing program so I can move back home and be with him while hopefully enjoying the program more than the one I'm in now.

So yeah. My goals are all school related but it's important. I'd like to get a job and keep one but not sure if I will be able to find one with the market at home being so crappy.

@kayberry:  Even though SO and I are high school sweethearts (we were each others first dates ever), I don't know how I'd feel if I had a child who wanted to get married very young.  Perhaps that makes me a bit of a hypocrite lol.

@AnastasiaM:  Ha! I understand it from my parents' point of view. But at the same time you have to realize you cannot make decisions for your child once they're an adult. You can advise but at the end of the day if they're happy you should be happy for them. If I make a mistake well, I'M the one who falls, not my mom or dad. I mean, no one ever wants their kids to make mistakes but it's a fact of life that it will happen.

No one can know until you jump in right? Maybe your parents think he's absolutely wrong for you but your marriage works out? Or maybe it doesn't. No one can know for sure.

(You in all these cases is general - I don't mean you AnastasiaM!)