Waiting, but need advice!

posted 3 years ago in Waiting
Post # 3
122 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: May 2014

@Dogsbody92:  Just tell him how you feel! If theres one thing I’ve learned about guys it’s that you can’t beat around the bush. They just don’t get the hints like women do. If you want him to ask you parents blessing I think it’s perfectly fine to just flat out tell him. As far as living together first, I think thats great but then you’d have to wait longer to get engaged. 

Maybe you could show him pictures of rings that you like? I remember before I was engaged I would be looking on pinterest or something and see a ring or something I like and say “look babe, isn’t that pretty” still it’s dropping hints but I think that makes it pretty obvious haha.

My finace and I went ring shopping together. It was fun but we got engaged on kinda a whim (long story) I would have LOVED for him to have already picked out the ring and surprise me but thats just me. 

Post # 4
10219 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: December 2012

You just have to sit him down and have a heart-to-heart

(Sorry… there is no other way)

You have to clearly tell him what your CONDITIONS are…

(Especially the living together thing… I 100% Agree… I would NEVER Marry someone that I hadn’t lived with… because like or not some people can be super-secretive about stuff… that otherwise would be dealbreakers… and ONLY thru living with them are you going to know more about them… stuff like bad habits… like too much porn, gambling, drinking etc… but also other stuff like how they can be a team player when it comes to Finances, Chores etc)

As for the rest of it…

Well Parent’s Blessing & Looking at Ring Designs together… you just have to make it clear that is important to you.

Mr TTR asked for my Dad’s Blessing on his own (Bless his heart… and I am over 50).  It meant the world to my Elderly Father, and one of the best days of my life seeing my 60 something Fiancé and my 80 something Father talking such sweet things about me.

As for Rings… we talked about that too.  We had updated our LIFE PLANS, and had a TIME LINE.  I told him that it was important to me that we pick out the Ring together… because I didn’t want a SURPRISE Ring… as my taste (and hands) are very unique… and I wanted to make sure that I LOVED The Ring… cause I would be wearing it 24/7 x 365 FOREVER.  It had to be right.

Mr TTR being a traditonal man, thought this was a bit “out the ordinary” to say the least.** 

So I put it in terms he’d understand.  He is a HUGE Hockey Nut (find your guy’s soft spot) so I asked him how he’d feel if I went out and bought him a whole bunch of Hockey Equipment without his input or trying it on… and then I told him… THAT IS IT… This all you have to deal with for the next 25+ Years.  Hope you like it !!

Or what if I bought him a shirt… and then told him it was THE ONLY Shirt he could ever wear for the rest of his life ?

Once you put it into those sorts of terms… they tend to GET IT a bit more.

Explain you too are ok with the surprise element… THE PROPOSAL… he can do that as he wishes… with the ring in hand or not.

Lots of guys on WBee pick out The Ring with their girls and then organize The Proposal afterwards…

OR they Propose with some sort of cute / creative stand-in, and then they go shopping together

OR they Propose (sans ring) and then the two go shopping together

That is what Mr TTR did.  We had our BIG Talk around this time of year (end of 2011) for our 6th Anniversary… and we agreed that our TIME LINE was to marry within the year, before the end of 2012.  He told me he’d propose in his own way… and I agreed to that.

My Proposal came while we were on Easter Vacation… April 2012.  Without The Ring… but still special & romantic… and we began Ring Shopping the next day.

We were married as to plan (Eloped to a Destination Wedding) Christmastime 2012

Hope this helps (some).. if you want more details you can send me a PM

** I am happy that we went ERing shopping together… because he later confessed that if he had been left to his own devices he would have bought me a Solitaire Ring (all he said he ever knew to be an ERing).  And that would have been SO WRONG for me and my style… plus the fact that one of the things I DID NOT WANT this time round was a Solitaire, as I had one for my First Marriage.

You should also let him know that an ERing is a SIGNIFICANT Purchase… and it cannot be easily returned… so it should be something that you BOTH Love… and that it right right from the get go.


Post # 5
172 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: June 2015

@Dogsbody92:  the living situation is a bit of a tough one because both parties feel the way they do for reasons that seem valid to them. I personally am the same way you are and it’s great that my SO feels thay way, too. However, this might be one of those things that you find a compromise on so that you both feel comfortable. Moving in right after a proposal and having a longer engagement seems to be a great compromise. Have you spoke with him about this idea? Maybe if you approached it as “I understand where you’re coming from and why you feel the way you do, but this is something that’s very important to me. In order for us both feel comfortable and happy, how do you feel about…(insert compromise) 

As for the rings, my SO is the same way “it has to be a surprise” I think if you can just drop some not so subtle hints (ie lots of photos) he will probably get the hint. Or at least a very good idea of what you like!

And I think it’s perfectly acceptable for you to want him to ask your parents first. If you just express to him that this is something that’s important to you, I don’t see why it would be an issue. Plus it’s a great moment for him to bond with your parents! 

Post # 7
451 posts
Helper bee


Listen to TTR, she always gets it right.  I love the description about the sports equipment he’d be stuck with for the rest of his life.  My SO kept mumbling about surprises and such so on my birthday in August, after we had a wonderful day and meal at a scenic vineyard (that he surprised me with), I told him there was one other thing I wanted as a gift for my birthday that very important and would be very special to me.  Ring shoopping.  He took me that night (he had no intention of doing it, the wine may have helped) and we went to 4 jewelers and I fell in love with the setting that he bought for me yesterday.  He’s bought me a lot of jewelry and his taste is wonderful (or maybe my friend at my favorite jewelers taste is wonderful, whatever) but the idea of him picking out the ring without my input didn’t work for me.  I’ve been married before and had the ring reset 2 years after the wedding because I hated the yellow gold solitaire and over the top modern wrap (do they still even make those things?).  Turning it into something that would make me feel special and loved made looking at rings much more palatable to him.  He wanted to make me happy, I just had to let him know how happy it would make me.

Hmmmm, living together.  See, IMO that’s a tough one.  SO haven’t really lived together.  We have our children from past marriages every other week.  So, boys on, boys off.  The week we don’t have them we spend every night together but the other week none at all.  We technically could live together (ex spouses and court documents don’t have a problem with that) but we don’t want to.  Kind of that specialness of marriage thing, but a big part of that is the example we set for our kids.  But as the time gets closer we are so excited about moving in, falling asleep together each night, etc. that I’m glad we didn’t.  The wedding really will be a demarcation line.  I know you have one view, he has another.  I see you’ve suggested moving in after engagement for a long engagement.  But I almost feel like I am in your boyfriend’s mind and my stomach drops thinking “well, she agreed to marry me but it must not mean much because she wants a trial period of living together so she can walk if things aren’t perfect.”  I see getting engaged as pretty much being married.  Period.  Don’t ask and don’t accept unless you mean it 100%.  If you really need to live with him to be completely devoted it needs to happen before you get engaged, otherwise you’re setting him up for disappointment.  Marriage is absolute – we will work this out.  Engagement is a promise of that.  If you can’t be absolute until you live together I’m not sure where that leaves yall.  ***Keep in mind I am divorced so take anything I say with a grain of salt.  Maybe a whole bag of salt.

Oh, and as for asking your dad.  Just tell him to do it.  If he has a problem with it, you have a whole different set of issues.

@This Time Round:  

Post # 8
10219 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: December 2012

To @SomedaymrsWDS:  you said:

***Keep in mind I am divorced so take anything I say with a grain of salt.  Maybe a whole bag of salt.

I LOVE you gal… and your sense of humour.

I GET your POV in regards to living together… especially when it comes to your current situation in so much as both you and your guy have Kids and you want to do the right thing as a role model to these boys.

BUT seriously, tell me you two wouldn’t be living together if there weren’t kids in the picture ?

As someone who’s been thru the H3LL of Divorce, I’m betting you’d want to do all you could to make sure you don’t go down that ugly road again.

So altho I get what you say about her guy, maybe being a bit taken aback at her wanting to “try things out” before getting married even tho they are engaged (good point)

You and I both know… that if things look like they aren’t going to work out for whatever reason that altho breaking / walking away from an Engagement is hard… it is gotta be a million times easier than Divorce

And lets face it anything we can do in life to insure we don’t go thru that heartache (or anyone else does… I wouldn’t wish Divorce on worst enemy) must be a good thing.

Post # 9
64 posts
Worker bee

@Dogsbody92:  IMHO, you should live with him for a while before you’re legally tied to him. It’s *so* important. Don’t budge.

To bring any of these things up in conversation, wait for a lovely, calm, quiet dinner. Maybe pour yourselves some wine. 

1) For moving in, maybe something like “What would you think about me moving in with you sometime in the next month?” If he says no, it is important that you very clearly state your boundaries. Maybe “I want you to know that I am only willing to say yes to an engagement if I have been living with you or if I can move in immediately thereafter. This is hugely important to me and it would mean a lot if you were willing to reach a compromise with me.”

2) For rings, go try things on, figure out what you like, and clip out some clippings at a *very* broad range of prices. Write down your ring size and any real constraints (i.e., white gold only please). Tell him, “Look, I know you didn’t want to ruin the surprise by looking for rings together, but since I hope to want to wear this every day for the rest of my life, I want you to consider this array of rings that I like. Please let me know if you have any questions.”

3) I’d say you should just tell him. BUT if you want a casual, low pressure way to say it, you could make up a funny story about a fictional friend. That’s always the mature path that I take…. Something like… “Bob, my friend at work, just told me he asked his girlfriend’s parents for her hand in marriage while her dad was carving the turkey. Her dad was so surprised and happy he started waving around the butcher knife and Bob had to take it away from him! Anyway, I’m glad it went well for Bob in the end. It is really important for me that my partner ask my parents for my hand, but try not to do it while my dad is holding a knife, ok?”

Post # 10
451 posts
Helper bee

@This Time Round:  I know what you mean and I was thinking through some of that as I was typing.  I don’t think we would be living together even without the kids (hard to know because the kids are such a part of you, imagining choices without them is hard).  I was trying to think about what we would do if the kids were adults and our decisions didn’t really impact them.  I am fiercely independent and wouldn’t leave or sell my home.  Period. (It’s 250 years old, I’ve spent years researching the history and it’s a part of me).  He went through such a bad divorce he wouldn’t have sold or rented his house to live with me.  In fact he’s only begun getting it ready to sell or rent in the last week – after he finally took the leap of faith to get engaged.  We’d probably do exactly what we’re doing now.  Spend some time together but also some time alone in our separate abodes.  If we were living together it would probably be another year or so before he actually proposed.  He is so excited to live together forever that I know I’m wanted and not taken for granted (free milk, yada yada).  Plus, I lived with my ex-husband for a year between engagement and marriage (he moved in after the ring was on my finger) and it didn’t help at all.  I had committed to marrying him and I didn’t leave even with some red flags waving during the engagement.  I am the POSTER CHILD for not getting married after knowing someone for a month. 

***Warning to all future waiter-bees.  If a man shows up with a big rock and asks  you to marry him before he’s told you he loves you for the first time – RUN!  And tell him to go back to Virginia, his kids are looking for him.

Post # 11
297 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: November 2014

@This Time Round:  +1000

Have a heart-to-heart about it. Sit down with him purposely and discuss the things that are important to you.

My SO recently asked my Dad’s blessing to marry me, and told me a little of what they talked about. Apparently my dad got teary-eyed which is unlike him, and knowing that he is super happy for us is a nice comfort. I’m not especially traditional and I do believe that in today’s society it’s not particularly important, but it meant a lot to me and I’m really glad (and so is my SO) that I coaxed him into doing it. 

On the ring front, I definitely think it’s reasonable to want to be involved in choosing your own ring. The concept of an engagement ring itself is actually only a fairly recent ‘tradition’, pushed by films and advertising, as is the idea that it needs to be chosen by the man alone. I had particular things I wanted in a ring, and although my SO has great taste, I’m a bit Type-A and wanted to choose it myself. After all, he isn’t the one who has to wear it for the rest of his life! SO and I ordered my ring online without having seen it in person but I hadnt seen anything else like it before. It is currently sitting in our wardrobe but I won’t be looking at it until the proposal; that way there is at least a little surprise in the ring. Maybe you could compromise in a similar way? Besides, the actual proposal (when where and how) is still all up to him anyway!

I am also in the camp of “try before you buy” in terms of living together before marriage. As This Time Round said, there are things that you don’t know about a person until you live with them, and you might find you are incompatible.  I don’t think “it ruins the romance of marriage” is a valid reason to not live together before marriage. There’s not much romantic about learning about each other’s bodily functions and bathroom habits :p

Good luck for your talk 🙂

Post # 12
2052 posts
Buzzing bee

@This Time Round:  +1

@Dogsbody92:  OP I am going to have to agree with everything that TTR said.  I will say this–somethings are more negotiable than others.  For example–I really understand the importance of ring shopping but that is an area in which my SO would not budge.  However, he was also wearing about living together before being engaged/married and I am NOT suggesting this unless it’s what you want to do but in my mind–if we are going to get engaged/married anyway–what’s the hold up?   And when Mr Veryberry acted like us living together was a problem, I was seriously ready to walk.  Then he suddendly changed his mind.

My point here is to really focus on something that is more important to you first, pick your battles, and then go from there.  But a heart to heart here is key!

Good Luck!

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