Waiting Feels Like a Game

posted 3 years ago in Waiting
Post # 3
Member
1241 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: April 2015

@DazedConfusedEtc:  Well, I’m going to start off by saying that 15 months isn’t all that long. I’ve been dating my SO for 3 years. I won’t discount the fact that you know you’re ready and you are gung ho about it all, but he told you point blank that he’s not there yet. He asked for six months, and you immediately tried to cut that in half. 

I get your impatience. I do. I’ve been ready for nearly a year, and mine has had the ring for six months, and I’m looking at possibly summer of 2014 before he actually proposes. If you want to stay, then give him the time he asked for, if you don’t, then get out now. Men have this need to be in charge of the proposal, most of them think we want some grand romantic gesture, and even when you tell them different, they feel they have something to live up to.

October isn’t so far away, although I can imagine it feels like a lifetime. I would say give him the timeline he asked for, and then decide what to do. Being divorced makes you gunshy. I’ve been divorced for 10 years, and I’m only just now ready to contemplate getting married again and risking it all agian. 

In the meantime, I’ll offer internet hugs and hope that you find a solution that works for you.

Post # 4
Member
131 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: March 2015

I am glad I came across your post because I am in a very similar situation. I am your age and my SO and i have been together 2 years. At 1 year he brought up marriage first and told me he was thinking about rings. He also would talk about someday being married and what our children would look like, having a combined bank account, where we would live, etc. I too am involved in every aspect of his life and his family. He seems to need me more than I need him. He gets super bummed if I make plans with a girlfriend for dinner as he really loves spending alot of time with me. Then at at around 21 months i expressed to him that i was sad because we hadn’t taken the next step yet. He then took me ring shopping and i found the perfect ring. Now 3 months later I asked him what his timeline is because I don’t live with him and my lease renewal is coming up. He said the same thing as your so. He tells me “When I am ready”…”Im not ready yet”…”When it feels right”.  I didn’t really see that coming. So I completely understand your frustration! I feel completely disempowered, sad, and even unhappy.  I too have an end of Oct timeline as I too feel like I don’t want to give my last years of my youth and childbearing years away. All I can say is that what I have been doing is spending a little more time on my priorities and myself. Last week I took 3 days to myself to focus on things and on the 4th day when i saw him he had a bouqet of flowers for me. Its not a ring yet but maybe making him miss you a little will give him time to even think about a propsal and marriage to set a plan into action.

Post # 5
Member
362 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: May 2014

@DazedConfusedEtc:  I understand that for now, him and his family are pretty much your family since you said you were halfway around the globe from your family. 

Usually, I am all for the guy to get in gear and committ, but I have to admit that 15 months is not a lot of time. Don’t get me wrong, at your age (and I’m older than you) the clock is ticking, I know it too well, but he did say he will be ready in six months. After two years with my boyfriend, I let him know I was ready to get engaged (I was turning 37, he was 28) and he said he agreed, but wasn’t ready yet. He did say he would be ready in six months… just like your boyfriend 🙂 And you know what? He was ready in six months and we are now engaged. 

I won’t say it was easy to wait six months, I had my doubts, I went into metldowns and I’ve been accused (by others) of pushing him. But I kept talking about it and about how I felt, and he kept reassuring me he would be ready while being true to himself. He said it wasn’t me he was not sure about, just the whole wedding thing, etc. He had to think about all the aspects, analyse it, etc. Then we had to make some adjustments when he was ready (how to propose, he wanted a surprise, I wanted to do it together, we are from two different cultures, so different traditions, etc). But we grew a LOT as a couple in those six months!

So for now, don’t take it as he is not sure about you. He takes you into his family and he told you he wanted to marry you 🙂 In six months it will be almost two years, and I think it is reasonable. Then if he keeps pushing it, then you’ll have to make a decision. But from what you wrote, I would not be worried 🙂 Sounds like you have a good and committed guy!

Good luck and courage while you are waiting. We all know how hard it is! 

Post # 6
Member
491 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: March 2015

@DazedConfusedEtc:  

@Ashley8200blue:  

I tagged you both because you’re in the same situation 🙂 my FI and I were talking earlier about  how his friend was surprised we didn’t get engaged right after I moved in in April. I asked him if he thought about proposing then and he said no. I was really surprised because this is a guy who measured my ring size after we’d only been dating a month. So I asked him why he wouldn’t have proposed right after I moved in and this is what he said: “I wasn’t ready then. I didn’t have that CLICK moment.” 

I tried to find out WTF a “click” moment is, but he couldn’t really explain. All he said was that it happened about two weeks ago when we were hanging out at home. I was really surprised that he only had that feeling two weeks ago because we’ve been talking marriage for at least 6 months. 

If you trust your SO intends to marry you when he’s ready, just be patient. If deep down you know it’s not gonna happen, then walk (I’ve been there too).

Post # 7
Member
1734 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: March 1998

15 months, given your respective ages and the fact you have already lived together (apparently for a little while) tells me that you’ve been together for a sufficient length of time. If either of you were much longer, I’d raise a skeptical eyebrow. You’ve laid out your cards…and he’s laid out his.

It’s promising that HE gave himself the timeline and gave you an accurate number (had he said, “I don’t know…” I would have told you to run). You don’t have to have a lengthy engagement if you don’t want to – it’s possible you could be married within the year.

I would wait things out a little while longer. I know it’s uncomfortable. Like the others are saying – I know your clock is ticking. You do still have some time.

But I would say six months is reasonable. The question is – could you wait longer than that?

Post # 10
Member
99 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: August 2014

Ok, so I understand where you’re coming from.  I’ve been with my SO for just about a year now, we moved in together after 6 months and we have clearly communicated our wishes (we’re on the same page about things) and I have been ready for a proposal since we moved in together.  Men are less emotionally driven to make decisions and need time to thoroughly think things through. 

He has a great career, as do I, we are financially stable and have no other complications in our lives.

I’m at the point where I hate calling him my boyfriend, he is so much more than that to me and I wish SO much for him to publically declare that to me!  It sucks but I think this is one of those cases where we as women need to back the heck off.  I think a guy needs to feel that he made this decision without being pressured, otherwise he could resent you for it later. 

If you’re sure this is definitely the man you want to marry and he has said so too, ease up, are you really willing to let go of this man for this?  You’ve got to find something else to focus your attention on.

Is there any way he could sign the lease renewal himself, rather than having your name tied to it as well? 

Post # 11
Member
353 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: October 2014

As many others have suggested, you should wait. He told you it is a matter of weeks but less than a month!! That means what? 4 more weeks of waiting!

I don’t think he is messing with your feelings, and I believe that he truly wants to propose. Just be patient!!

I wish my SO was so close!

Love

Post # 13
Member
1613 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: September 2012

@DazedConfusedEtc:  I know that I’m not getting the full story since I don’t know both of you….but do you want to leave him? There are elements of what you’ve said that strike that chord for me.

He has given you a timeline, a short one at that.  15-18 months isn’t “too long” to get engaged, especially with a divorce in the past.  He needs to consider his child too. (not sure how that’s playing into the situation, but it may be so that’s why I mention it)

You may feel like he has all the power, but you have the power too.  Your options are:

1. continue your (happy) relationship as it is and be blissfully in love and living with your partner until he proposes

2. leave.

I would clearly advocate for option 1, as (to me) being happy trumps being engaged.  While I realize not everyone thinks the way I do, he has been clear with his plans and has tried to reassure you, so unless you have reason to not trust his word, I think you should just relax and enjoy your life.

Post # 14
Member
177 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: December 2015

I guess I see it slightly differently, although I can understand your point of view.

I’m much younger (only 24), have been with my boyfriend about 2 1/2 years, and have been living together for a little under 2 of those. For me, I know he is committed to me, and that he will propose when he is ready. I don’t want to pressure him into putting a ring on my finger before he is ready, as in my opinion both halves need to feel 100% comfortable and ready for it before it happens. 

It sounds to me like this guy is committed to you, and will propose to you. But the worst thing you can do (just in my opinion) is pressurise him into doing something he isn’t comfortable doing. I started off hinting a lot at my SO when he first took me ring shopping of his own accord, but I’ve noticed that since I’ve kept more quiet, he is the one talking about it more. He feels more like it is all on his terms now, but knows I am ready.

I hope you do find a suitable solution that works for you – as others have saif 15 months really isn’t long in the greater scheme of things, and if you are truly happy with him, is it worth throwing away happiness for the sake of a few months’ of waiting? You might never feel that sort of happy again.

Post # 16
Member
177 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: December 2015

@DazedConfusedEtc:  

I really hope this all works out well for you – it sounds like you’ve found a keeper, and I’m sure he feels the same way.

Let us know how it works out, fingers crossed!

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