- 3 years ago
I’m new here, I came across these boards while doing my crazy Googling of my problems as I like to do, and I’m really glad I found this place.
I am also waiting, and I’m hoping that someone out there has some advice to help me get my grip, because I feel like I’m losing patience.
My boyfriend is 32 years old and I’m coming up on 31. We’ve been dating 15 months, and have lived together almost a year. I’ve never been married, and he’s divorced with a 9 year old. He was married very young and divorced at 23, and his ex wife was terrible to him and emotionally abused him.
Before anyone goes *ding ding ding red flag*, my bf said that he never for a second doubted that he wanted to get married, or wanted more kids. Our relationship moved along fast and he was fast to commit, fast to move in with me, and has included me in every facet his life.
I’ve known that he’s definitely the man I want to marry from about 6 months in. I didn’t expect him to feel that way yet, but I did tell him in a gentle way that I felt this way.
I spend a ton of time with his family, and his son, and everyone is so nice and so accepting. My own family lives thousands of miles away on the other side of the globe, so this is important. I’m treated like part of the family, and there are constant comments especially to me about getting married, when are we going to do it, what are we waiting for. Well, I’m waiting for him.
To add to it all, his brother announced 2 weeks ago that he and his gf were expecting a baby, and a week ago they announced they were getting married in a month and a half. They started dating about a month before we did, and I always kind of assumed we’d beat them to the alter as they’re younger, moved in together later, but obv I was wrong about that.
At the 1 year mark I told him that I was hoping that he’d propose before a trip we were going on to see my family, and he told me that he wasn’t ready yet, he wants to marry me but it’s a big step and he’s not ready for it. After that we had a very rough patch, because I felt that it was a mistake inviting him on the trip as we weren’t on the same page. This is the same man who talked about our future kids’ schooling with, what we’d name them, who told me before he met me he didnt feel ready to have more kids but now he does. He’s ready for that but not to be engaged?
We’ve had discussions about this since, which always at some point turn into an argument. He says that he’s getting closer but he’s waiting until it “feels right.” He told me “I am going to propose to you but I need time.” I asked him how much, and he said no more than 6 months. I asked if more than 3 and he said he didn’t know.
I feel like we have access to the exact same information, we both know what an amazing connection we have, we’ve both had the same wonderful weekends with the family and trips, fun dates and surprises and adventures. We go on a date together each week and surprise each other with fun things and good food.
Yet, I am certain about him, and while he claims to be certain about me, he isn’t. I promised myself that I’d not bring this up again and give him until the end of October and if he doesn’t propose by then walk out.
The thing is that I don’t feel authentic to myself, I feel like I’m following other people’s advice instead of my gut. My gut is telling me that if he hasn’t committed by now, he won’t, and if this will take him forever to move along, I’m not willing to wait that long. I want to start building my future, and I really want it to be with him, but if he’s not willing to do it now I don’t want to waste more of my childbearing years with him.
He wants to be the one to propose, and I feel that he has all of the cards in his hand. He decides if this happens or it doesn’t, I’m supposed to play on his playingfield by his timer. We’re equals in our relationship in almost every way but in this area I feel disempowered.
Our lease ends in late August, and part of me wants to say “let’s not renew it”, but I know it’s the wrong move. I guess even though I don’t want to I should wait until October? Meanwhile, I just feel like I’m not being true to myself and it’s making me unfocused and unhappy.
Sorry this was so long, and thanks in advance if anyone out there is willing to try to talk some sense into me, I know it’s missing at the moment.