Post # 1
Following the flood of Christmas reunions laden with proposal / wedding interrogations from family and friends and the constant engagement updates on facebook arriving daily, my SO knew something was up with me.
I wasn’t expecting a holiday proposal at all, but it’s hard not to get frustrated when you’re surrounded with all of that constantly. It’s like rubbing what you want most in your face. You may know from a previous post, my SO is starting a new job (taking over a business). I’m still antsy about that, and the change in our “five year plan” made me feel a little bit like we were starting over. We’ve been out of school for a year, together for 5 years including a LDR. Starting his career over feels like a step back for us when we’re trying to work towards financial stability to begin our future together.
All that aside, we were talking about his career change last night and he brought up my frustration with all the proposals lately. It started a fight. =/ I know engagement isn’t in the cards for us right now; we haven’t hit the necessary financial milestones yet and that’s fine. But it doesn’t make waiting emotionally easier sometimes. I once read “When you find the person you want to spend the rest of your life with, you want the rest of your life to start ASAP.” How does he not understand that? The waiting is hard. Even if it may be necessary. And our lack of a timeline makes it harder when I constantly have friends being engaged. Not to mention the girls who get engaged after a year or 2 of dating when we’ve been together 2-5x’s as long! It feels like their BFs knew they loved them enough to make that commitment after 1 year or they at least are ring shopping, whereas we don’t even have a timeline after 5. How does he not understand how that feels? Does anybody else battle with feeling almost rejected or insignificant while waiting?
Am I really just crazy?! I feel like a needy emotional slob.
Post # 3
You are not crazy! I completely understand! What hit me where all the girls my little sister’s age (5 years younger than me) who were posting on FB about their engagement rings. The only one I’ve been able to really and truly be happy for is my best friend/college roommate who got engaged a couple months ago. But even that was a little bit of a slap to my ego since they have been together less than half the time my SO and I have been.
I don’t really have much advice for you since I’m trying to figure it all out myself, but just wanted to reassure you that you are not alone in your feelings! Try to stay strong and positive (I know that is easier said than done). As long as you know you are both on the same page about your future then you can keep moving forward. It seems like he understands your frustration a little if he brought it up first, so take some comfort in the fact that he probably feels bad that you are feeling down.
Post # 4
I remember exactly how that feels!
It’s funny how we can argue about something that’s supposed to be so wonderful – ‘but I just want to get started on planning NOW, damnit!’ ha
The time was (on paper) far from right when we got engaged – I was still in school finishing my Masters and DH had job goals he still had to attain. Though I knew this was true, I felt ready to make our commitment to each other ‘official’. He did too, really – but he was being more realistic about the funds required to plan a wedding rather than just getting a ring.
When I told DH that I wanted a small, rather simple wedding (and what my budget ideas were), I think that opened his mind up a bit more. (Not to mention that my European family gives envelopes as gifts for that sort of thing, so that would help counteract the costs.)
Maybe if you guys discussed what your expectations for a wedding are you can discover that an engagement now is possible?
Unless you do want a more lavish wedding – in which case would you be willing to sacrifice that, or is waiting to save up actually worth it for you?
Post # 5
@imsandradee: Ok, first: you can’t compare your relationship to anyone else’s. What’s right for them at the current moment isn’t right for you. Your SO is right to want to wait for financial stability; while money doesn’t make marriage easier it does help.
Second: you have to trust your guy. If he has consistently followed through on promises and makes you feel loved and wanted then you need to trust that he will follow through on this too. If he consistently fails to keep promises and doesn’t make you feel loved though, then it’s probably time for a state of the relationship talk.
Third: obviously you guys have had talks about engagement and marriage before. That’s a good thing. I would say, for the present moment, back off for a little bit. He’s probably stressed and worried about his career change and you bringing up engagement talk is probably making him feel guilty about the situation. Maybe you guys could revisit the topic in a few months when he’s more settled? Just make sure you’re both in a calm and relaxed mood; keep emotion out of the discussion to avoid possbily guilt tripping him.
Anf fourth: I think that some guys do understand the whole waiting thing. At least mine does. We’ve known that marriage was in the cards for us since around the time we started dating 5 years ago, but it wasn’t practical at the time since we were both 19 and in college. My boyfriend has been a real sweetheart about the entire waiting situation and that, in turn, has made it easier for me. It could be that your guy gets what you’re feeling (and that he feels it too), but he doesn’t know how to communicate that to you (especially when emotions are running high).
Try to be patient. I know it’s tough, but do your best.
Post # 6
@lorelai: I know right!! I feel like the biggest B even bringing it up to fight about. It’s so needy and pathetic and demanding, and I know I’m just going to end up ruining it for him. But sometimes I really just can’t stand it watching everyone else around me progressing at 90 mph, and I feel like a spectator not even moving. It’s not about the ring or the wedding, I’m just READY for the next phase in our life as a couple. Part of the issue probably stems from our different financial expectations. We come from very different backgrounds…his parents struggled to come up from nothing, I’m from a middle to upper middle class family. He feels like he needs to overcompensate to take care of his family and set a new standard, whereas I’m a very frugal person and would be fine cutting back in every way just to be together. Unfortunately, I think for him to reach the standards financially that he’s set for himself, I’m going to be waiting a while…
He thinks he needs to be able to provide for a wife and potential family to be able to propose, which I whole heartedly respect, but I also work full time with great benefits. He doesn’t need to support me NOW. If later when we have a family one of us chooses to stay at home, we can re-visit the issue. But that’s years away, so what’s stopping us?!! AAAH. haha.
Post # 7
Why can’t you compromise and just have a long engagement? You can have your ring and enjoy being engaged for a year or two before starting the wedding planning.
Post # 8
Sorry love, waiting effing sucks. You’re not allowed to talk about it because it will cause a huge fight or it will make you look like a crazy person but it’s YOUR LIFE so why shouldn’t you talk about it! It’s frustrating…I’m with ya sista! I agree with the PP about discussing a long engagement??
Post # 9
@beesbelle: i have no problem with a year or 18 month engagement. in fact i would like to have roughly a year to enjoy wedding planning with my mom and friends and not be stressed throughout that phase. he doesn’t want to propose until he feels he can totally provide for us both, which is in my mind unneccessary (although appreciated) as i can support myself and we’re a team. i’m not a dependent. it’s frustrating, because we just can’t agree on a timeline.
Post # 10
@imsandradee: You’re not crazy. What exactly are you guys waiting for, though? I am just curious… like are you wanting an expensive ring? Fine if you are… but if you’re open to an inexpensive ring and a small wedding/eloping then would he still feel the same way?
Post # 11
@canarydiamond: nope. I’m totally open to having a moissanite center or going lower budget (3k or under) from a wholesaler. Honestly, I wouldn’t want him spending anything over that anyway, the same way I will be bargain shopping for a dress. HE has higher standards set for himself financially than what i would ever ask or expect.
Post # 12
Try to get on the same page financially. While it’s true that you need to be somewhat stable financially (enough to pay the bills), there is nothing wrong with not being completely financially secure at the moment you are married. There is something to be said for a little bit of struggling together through those newlywed years that can bring you two closer together. He seems like a nice guy who wants to be able to give you everything you want- ring and wedding-wise.
My FI and I will be getting married when I’m right out of school. We will need to pay off my student loans, continue his truck payments, and I will need a new car by then. We will need to live in an apartment for a couple years to get this all under control (probably needing to scale back on our fun-money substancially), and then we are going to build a house. I would much rather get married and deal with this all together rather than wait to get married until we have both individually completely settled our financial situations, and then move straight into our new home. This means that we will have a smaller, more DIY wedding than many of our friends- with our families helping us and volunterring their time to make it happen- but this is fine with us since at the end of the day we will be married!
See if your SO could see it like this too. Good luck to you both!
Post # 13
@wildflowerbee: aren’t loans great? I’m pretty sure I’ll be paying student loans for the rest of my life. Lucky SO has none. neither of us have car payments right now either, although I’ll need a new car in 2 years I bet. Apart from my loans our bills are very low, but the cost of living here is insanely high, although I think we could honestly afford to live together now if we divided finances so I was paying loans and little bills while he paid rent and utilities with his income. Oh well, we will figure it out. Patience is just not a virtue I possess, especially when I know what I want and there’s really not much standing in the way of it logically.
Post # 14
Ebenezer Scrooge didn’t marry Belle because he didn’t feel financially stable enough, and look where that got him!
Ha ha ha.
Post # 15
@imsandradee: I feel like this is my life! I’m curious to see how your situation pans out because mine very very similar. I hope everything works out for the best for you!