Waiting for a looonngg time and losing hope :(

posted 3 years ago in Waiting
Post # 3
Member
1749 posts
Bumble bee

Unfortunately, it seems that you’ve made it clear to your boyfriend that he can do as he pleases and you’ll stay with him. He has no reason to propose and marry you because he knows you’ll stay with him without it.

You have a son with him, so I’m not sure what you’re willing to do to change this issue. If you didn’t have a child I would suggest you set a date by which he needs to propose or you’ll walk. You could still do this with a child, but I don’t know that you’d want to.

What you can and should do is have a calm, rational discussion with him about where this relationship is headed and what each of you wants in life. 

 

What is most important is that you make sure he would be a good husband for you. From what you’ve written it is clear that he is rather inconsiderate and unwilling to talk about things that are uncomfortable for him, even when they are important to you. That kind of behavior does not bode well for a marriage. 

Does he have the character qualities you want in a husband? Would you want be married to a man who acts how your boyfriend does currently? I suggest you take a step back from thinking about the proposal and consider these questions first. It’s possible that you and he aren’t right for each other, even though you do have a child together. 

Post # 4
Member
1779 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: August 1997

@mrsjenie:  I think you’re kind of stuck. You have a child together.

I think you should just face the cold hard truth–your childs father does not want to marry you, if he did, he would have already, you’ve told him clearly what you want…

Continung to ruminate, wonder how you can change his mind about it will only increase your resentment and erode the relationship with him further. Not good for your child.

Another option is to move out, but again, probably not good for your child as he will then have a part time dad and be from a broken home.

Sorry hon.

Post # 5
Member
544 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: July 2014

@mrsjenie:  Hug! I know how you feel! I waited 10 years! We discussed it for a few years (we are in our mid-30s) and nothing ever came up of it. Last year, our 9th year together, we went to the weddings of 6 of our friends and my little brother got married to. I hated it. All but one couple had been together with their partner less than us and I wasn’t even engaged yet. It made me upset and angry.

 

I had to give my then-boyfriend an ultimatum. He had better ask me to marry me, with a ring, by at least our 10th anniversary or I was leaving. 10 years is long enough. He thought I was joking at first but he realized I wasn’t actually kidding. I know he wanted to get married too but life happened for both us and suddenly it’s 10 years later (no kids, but several university degrees, jobs, a house, etc). 

 

I’m happy to say that he did propose! After our 10 anniversary. He did plan a romantic getaway and proposal but the ring was delayed and didn’t come in time. I was pretty miffed as I suspected he would ask me to marry him but he didn’t. He did about a month after that in a low key way and it was great. We had discussed it some many times and it’s finally happened! So don’t lose hope!

 

I would say though that you need to have a serious talk with him and if marriage is really important to you and he doesn’t want it, you have to make your own decisions. Hopefully, he’s like my now-fiance and is just a procrastinator and a little lost about the whole wedding process.

 

Post # 6
Member
1625 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: June 2014

@mrsjenie:  I think if you live and have a child together, you should be able to speak openly with him about how you’re feeling. Ask HIM these questions, let him know you’re still at the same place youve been for years.. You want marriage, for commitment and security for both you and your child. Before you have this conversation, decide what will happen if it doesn’t go the way you want. You might just want to carry on, you might decide you want to leave. I hope you can both get on the same page though! 

Post # 10
Member
2394 posts
Buzzing bee

@mrsjenie:  

I think she thought that it was just a fashion ring, and was going to give it to me as a gift, but I had to tell her that I want it for my ering! When I told SO about it he asked to see it and when I hesitated assuming he would shrug it off, he asked all the details and where to buy, which is big for him! 

Does your SO know that you want this to be your engagement ring? 

Or does he think it’s going to be a fashion ring too, like his mom did?

Post # 12
Member
2052 posts
Buzzing bee

@mrsjenie:  First of all, welcome to the HIVE!!

Waiting can be challenging at times.  I think it’s a good sign that he knows that you want this ring he plans to buy as your engagement ring.

I don’t think all is hopeless—I just think perhaps you need to have an honest talk with him about your wants and your feelings.  You could let him know that you want to be married, it’s important for your family to be recognized as one, and perhaps ask him what the hold up is.  When is the last time you’ve re-visted this topic with him?

Post # 13
Member
2169 posts
Buzzing bee

@mrsjenie:  When was the last time you talked to him about your desire to get married? 6 years into this relationship you shouldn’t feel like you cannot speak to him openly about this. That would be a red flag IMO.

Post # 15
Member
4043 posts
Honey bee

@mrsjenie:  I am sorry for your situation, but personally, I don’t buy the whole, “why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free” or that moving in together first always results in this situation. 

If a man wants to marry you, he will. Plain and simple. I think it is great that you two have a good relationship, but he may just never be ready to get married. It is unfortunate because you have a child together. But if he is 29, you have a four year old and you have been together this long…and he hasn’t proposed, my guess would be that he isn’t going to. Is that something you can live with and accept?

My DH and I dated for 10 years before marriage (9 before engagement) and lived together for 5 years. I NEVER felt like he was getting any “milk” for free. We were in a loving committed relationship in which we both benefited. We were open and honest about our intentions and mutually decided to wait to get married (due to age, finances, careers, etc). I only felt like I was waiting for about 3-4 months before the engagement because I knew the ring was coming. 

I wish the best of luck OP, but you should really have a very candid, long discussion with him about this. You deserve an answer and a timeline. If he doesn’t want to marry you, you deserve to know that. If does want to, then you should both agree on a reasonable timeline. 

Post # 16
Member
4043 posts
Honey bee

@mrsjenie:  Just wanted to say I wasn’t trying to say it is all doom and gloom, and never going to happen. I was just trying to say that the way you portrayed the situation leads me to believe there is a possibly he may not ever want to get married. So you must decide if that is something you are ok with in the long run. Have you thought about proposing to him or just mutually deciding to get married?

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